To not allow parents to drink alcohol on xmas day?

[Lima1]

I know it is my decision at the end of it but just wondering what people think as I am not sure if I am going too far.

We have always has issues with alcohol in my family. I married a man that doesn't drink and I rarely drink.

The routine for Christmas over the past few years is that myself, DH and kids (10,12 and 13) have dinner at home on our own. We go to my sister's house about 5pm for 2 hours (she lives 10 mins drive away). My parents have dinner in her house so when we leave my sister's we bring my parents back to our house for the evening and DH drives them home at 11pm (45 min round trip)

I am fed up with this arrangement and it doesn't suit us. First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house. By that time we have cleared up after dinner and are just sitting down in front of the fire relaxing. I love going to my sister's normally but her house is chaos on Christmas day. Food everywhere, toys and wrapping paper everywhere. I am tired from a long day at this stage and don't be in form for it.

My parents will have been drinking during the day in her house so they cant drive. They come back to our house from about 7-11pm. It doesn't work as we are all in the one sitting room, the kids want to watch a movie and my parents keep talking over it. The kids go to bed about 9pm and my parents want to stay, having a drink, playing cards, watching tv. Myself and dh just want to chill and go to bed early as we have usually been up since 6am. Then DH has to drive them home.

My parents don't get on and with drink taken the tension gets worse, they make snippy comments to each other, argue about when to leave (dad always wants to go home early but mam complains that she doesn't want to go home to a cold house early on CD..)

They want to do the same again this year but I want to tell them that they are welcome to come over whenever they want but I am not leaving my house all day and I don't want anyone drinking alcohol.

They will have to make their own way over and home. Essentially this will mean that if they want to come to me they cant have been drinking beforehand (as will have to drive) and they cant drink in my house.
I have had many Christmases ruined as a child because of them fighting with drink. I literally start dreading CD from mid November as it is all geared around them, getting them to my house, entertaining them and getting them home.

To be fair to them I haven't told them before that it is a problem, I just silently seethed but I need to put a stop to it as it isn't fair on my family.
AIBU?

Can you go away for Christmas

I can relate to this for many reasons although my parents are divorced and remarried but similar challenges with mum/stepdad and years of feeling bossed around by my mum and step mum on what the arrangements were to be at Xmas.

I would tell them you are having Christmas at home this year and you will see them on BD. I think you will be happier with a bigger change to the arrangements. Even if you stated the no drinking/no lifts, it’s doesn’t stop them drinking all day at your sisters and still being tetchy and irritating when they arrive. I think you will just dread them arriving so brazen it out with the wholesale change to CD,. If they ask about coming over, I would still try and steer to the plans at their BD and just say your kids are getting older and want to do different things now on CD and you don’t want to be running about in car or having alcohol in house.

Tell them you are staying home on CD and that they can come over if they want but there will be no lifts given. And that you are having a dry christmas so don't want alcohol in the house. You may have to explain why, and there may be fall out but IME it is better to be honest about your reasoning.

I think keep it simple with both yr sister and yr mum. Just say this year we are staying at home on CD and won’t be ferrying people around. We both just want to stay in and chill out. See you guys on Boxing Day !
And repeat. And repeat again. You don’t have to justify yourselves. If anyone asks why just say because we want to..and repeat that!

You don't have to do what you've always done. Do not silently seethe. You don't even need to give a reason. Just call them and say you're having Christmas at home by yourselves this year and I'll you in a couple of days.

@Mygirlruby

This is why I loved last Christmas when no-one could go anywhere. Why do people have to trail around just because it's what they've always done, especially with kids in tow? Is it any wonder so many women dread Christmas and usually have some sort of meltdown in the run up to it?

I agree. Why do people feel obliged and why can't they say what they feel?

@Lima1I suspect you're going to have to box a little more cleverly than just banning alcohol, because if your parents use it to continue their life-long sniping, what's to stop them drinking anyway and then simply refusing to leave unless you drive them home?

Lots of suggestions here, but if you want to avoid the usual repetitions you're not only going to have to change your practice on CD, but risk damaging the relationship with your parents when you discuss their drinking. Much love and good wishes.

If I were you I'd be inviting the parents over for 10am brunch then driving them to DS for lunch and leaving them all to it. You'll have your parents before they are drunk and are offering them some nice (limited) time with your DC.

I was going to say the same!!!! ‘Positive lateral flow!’ 😬🤣

@Hemingwayscatz

I’d personally tell them you’ll visit them Christmas Eve or Boxing Day but just want to have the actual day at home alone because it works better for you.

👆👆👆👆

Have the Christmas that you want in your house and host a Boxing Day breakfast which no one will come to because of their hangovers.

Just say No. You are adults. You are allowed to have what you want on Xmas day. If you are seeing them in Boxing Day you don't need to see them on Xmas Day. As for seeing your sister, could she waddle round first thing, then go home to get on with her own dinner. Time to grow up abd stand up to your parents. If they want to behave badly, they can do it somewhere they won't annoy you.

Tell them you have a cough.... waiting for our postal test.... but I'm chicken and I can't confront. It would be good to have a chat but for Dear of falling out over Xmas I would say I had symptoms....

"DH and I have decided to spend all Christmas day at home with the kids this year.

We look forward to seeing you all on Boxing Day".

If the parents object, you just say " If you'd like to come, you'll have to drive yourselves this year. WE are just going to chill out completely and better warn you now, we will ALL be watching the evening film starts at

Why not ask ds to swap this year. Parents to you for dinner then she collects then to go to hers or they drive themselves to her. She can either put them up or work out their way home.

@TeeBee

It really is easy to just say 'we're staying at home and having a quiet one this year. See you Boxing Day'. They get to see your sister on CD and you BD. Don't enter into conversations about it...that's what you've decided. Then in the future just tell them that it worked much better for you to do the new arrangement.

Excellent suggestion and it can work for future Christmases as well. Once they have had one occasion like this it's easier to continue. I really wish you the best, it will be hard to take the initiative but you won't regret it.

I had most of my childhood and adolescent christmases ruined by a parent / step parent drinking. I hate it. Like you I’m with a man that rarely drinks, and I wouldn’t entertain this bullshit now I’m an adult. Just from my own point of view, I would either tell them the truth (that their drinking upsets you and you don’t want to be around it) or I would outright say that plans have changed and they will not be invited to your house because you want to spend Christmas alone this year.

This is meant from the heart; please don’t let this selfish behaviour ruin your Christmas - life it too short x

I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to say I completely understand the parents’ sniping and ruining the atmosphere. My dad has always been awful to my mum, and it gets worse when others are around. Then she retaliates, and it’s just horrible and embarrassing.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas ❤️

Arrange to see sister a different day and explain to parents they are welcome to come and see kids for a bit but your not driving and don't want a late night.

You absolutely can tell them that there will be no drinking in your home. You can’t control their behavior beforehand, though you could decline them admittance if they are obviously intoxicated when they reach your door.

I draw a hard line on protecting my DC from the difficulties and tension of my parent’s alcohol use. Kids pick up on more of this than the adults realize so if it is bothering you, there is a chance it is starting to bother them.

I would tell them that the festivities at your house will be dry this year. I might still offer to drive them home, but if it needs to be earlier, tell them that in advance.

You can change things up. I'd say you won't be coming to your sisters cos the kids want to do abc and you'd like a Christmas day on your own this year.

Tell them you'll see them over the break, but not on Christmas Day.

Maybe take mum and dad to a pub for a couple of drinks versus let them get comfy in your home when you do see them.

Invite your sister over to yours during the break, at least there won't be chaos and wrapping paper everywhere, lol!

I think I'd be upfront with them "Sorry we won't be coming over to SILs this year. You're welcome to come to us on another another but no alcohol - it honestly makes you bicker and causes arguments". Then you have CD by yourself and deal with their drama another time.

Absolutely go home after your sister and say you’re not having anyone over. I know it’s hard sometimes as people expect certain things but it is YOUR Christmas and you deserve to have a lovely relaxing time with your family.
I’m sick of people expecting others to do certain things to please them. You should please yourself in the first place and enjoy Christmas the way you want x

Wow 10 pages - thanks for all the replies!

A number mentioned the getting a taxi but unfortunately we live in rural Ireland, you couldn't get a taxi from my house to parents on a normal Saturday night let alone CD - it is definitely not an option.

They dont arrive drunk but will be tipsy/well on and they are generally not nice to be around in that state. They are not falling down drunk or shouting at each other, but under the influence and not caring about the bickering/eye rolling etc. It causes tension rather than full out madness iysyim.

I dont know what is going on with me but I cannot stop thinking about all the issues over the years and the upset they cause me. I love them and care for them but I feel everything is coming to a head.

My sis had a big argument with them last week about how they ruin things for us and my mam was apparently very upset about it (sis told me afterward she thought mam was going to have a stroke she was that bad), my sis rang dad to come home to mam and said a few things to him about what was going on and he told her to f**k off and hung up on her!

I feel like I cant go on pretending all is ok and not calling them out on their behaviour. I want to go over to them and have it all out but I know mam will start crying and dad will walk out and nothing will change. They both treat each other terribly and both are fully convinced the other is totally in the wrong.
I am absolutely emotionally exhausted from it all. My brother lives in the UK and he thinks he misses out on being around family, he doesn't know how lucky he is to be out of it all.

Your parents both sound very manipulative.

Honestly, the only thing you can do is draw your boundary and stick to it. You're staying at home on Christmas, you hope they have a lovely day, you'll see them on Boxing Day, thank you, goodbye. They will yell and cry and swear and guilt you and make out like they'll literally die, yes. But they won't die, and you don't have to listen to it. You can hang up the phone or walk away, and you should.

I would gently advise you to get your own therapist to help you unpick this relationship. It's clearly cast a very long shadow for you and it sounds like you could really use some support in disentangling yourself.