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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow parents to drink alcohol on xmas day?

267 replies

Lima1 · 13/12/2021 14:31

I know it is my decision at the end of it but just wondering what people think as I am not sure if I am going too far.

We have always has issues with alcohol in my family. I married a man that doesn't drink and I rarely drink.

The routine for Christmas over the past few years is that myself, DH and kids (10,12 and 13) have dinner at home on our own. We go to my sister's house about 5pm for 2 hours (she lives 10 mins drive away). My parents have dinner in her house so when we leave my sister's we bring my parents back to our house for the evening and DH drives them home at 11pm (45 min round trip)

I am fed up with this arrangement and it doesn't suit us. First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house. By that time we have cleared up after dinner and are just sitting down in front of the fire relaxing. I love going to my sister's normally but her house is chaos on Christmas day. Food everywhere, toys and wrapping paper everywhere. I am tired from a long day at this stage and don't be in form for it.

My parents will have been drinking during the day in her house so they cant drive. They come back to our house from about 7-11pm. It doesn't work as we are all in the one sitting room, the kids want to watch a movie and my parents keep talking over it. The kids go to bed about 9pm and my parents want to stay, having a drink, playing cards, watching tv. Myself and dh just want to chill and go to bed early as we have usually been up since 6am. Then DH has to drive them home.

My parents don't get on and with drink taken the tension gets worse, they make snippy comments to each other, argue about when to leave (dad always wants to go home early but mam complains that she doesn't want to go home to a cold house early on CD..)

They want to do the same again this year but I want to tell them that they are welcome to come over whenever they want but I am not leaving my house all day and I don't want anyone drinking alcohol.

They will have to make their own way over and home. Essentially this will mean that if they want to come to me they cant have been drinking beforehand (as will have to drive) and they cant drink in my house.
I have had many Christmases ruined as a child because of them fighting with drink. I literally start dreading CD from mid November as it is all geared around them, getting them to my house, entertaining them and getting them home.

To be fair to them I haven't told them before that it is a problem, I just silently seethed but I need to put a stop to it as it isn't fair on my family.
AIBU?

OP posts:

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 15/12/2021 09:46

Bit left field. If the biggest thing for your parents is needing to be away from each other on Christmas day and the toxicity goes when they're apart, could you host one parent and your sister the other then swap next year?

mildtomoderate · 15/12/2021 09:53

This is an utterly toxic situation that you have the power to extricate yourself from.

Their issues do NOT have to be your issues, on any day, not just Christmas Day.

All the long responses baffle me. You are entitled to put boundaries in place that protect you and your family.

mildtomoderate · 15/12/2021 09:53

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

That would just be feeding the monster, not a good idea.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 15/12/2021 10:03

Not read all 10 pages but why don't you just do what you want to do on Christmas Day?! It sounds like you want to have Christmas Day at home with just your husband and kids which is completely normal and acceptable.

See the nightmare relatives on other days 🤷‍♀️

BatshitBanshee · 15/12/2021 10:10

OP, I knew you were in Ireland before you said it - I'm Irish too and recognize this toxic arrangement, it's so common in Ireland. Worse than the "he has to go to his mammy for Christmas day and me & kids go to my mammy and we'll see each other on Stephen's Day " arrangement that is also v popular.

Honestly: stay home, stay at home, stay the fuck at home. Your Christmas shouldn't be about pandering to fucking toxic parents. Why do ye have to be the taxi because others want to drink? Tell them you'll be at home with your kids for the day and if they want to come in the evening that's fine but ye won't have drink in the house and DH will not be running a taxi service. You've been doing it X number of years, you only have three days off and you won't spend it ferrying your parents around the place. Or just that you'll see them on Stephen's Day. Your sister has already cracked that window open re: their drinking so I would also hop on that bandwagon with her and lay down the consequences of their drinking. Otherwise this will just continue till one of them snuffs it.

And if your aul fella tells either of you to fuck off again, tell him same to you and the donkey you rode in on. Well for them to resort to expletives and almost having a stroke when confronted with the truth about their own behaviours. Ye have to deal with them.

tcjotm · 15/12/2021 10:18

I really feel for you @Lima1 . Even so many here saying you can’t ban alcohol shows how prevalent it is in society. But I too had childhood where family drank too much and it got was very upsetting and stressful. Frankly if you don’t want alcohol in your home anymore (or at least, when they are there) that seems reasonable to me. They can make other plans if needing a drink tops spending time with you! Your children don’t need to see that nonsense either.

So I say have this out now rather than deferring it for another year.

Elisemum · 15/12/2021 10:22

Yup totally Irish thing. My DH used to go to his parents every Christmas Day and his parents are absolutely lovely! But we now have 2 very small kids and it’s very inconvenient for me to go anywhere at this stage (nappies, milk, etc) so this year I said NO. I’m not going anywhere becouse it doesn’t suit ME. I invited them over to our house which they have accepted thankfully but if they didn’t I wouldn’t budge. People need to do what suits them and spend Christmas the way they want x

FangsForTheMemory · 15/12/2021 10:28

You and your sister need to present a united front and say you will visit your parents on CD for an hour (either separately or together) but that's it. I wouldn't have people in my house being unpleasant and your sister shouldn't have to either.

Hmumoftw0 · 15/12/2021 10:39

@Lima1 If I could sit and write about my parents this would be it, arguing, bickering and alcohol! Thank god they finally separated this year.

Op I would simply just send a text "Hi everyone just to let you know we will be staying home this Christmas, as I only get 3 days of work and the kids get up early so we don't want to be driving round on the day anymore as it becomes exhausting especially for DH, you are more than welcome to come for a couple of hours but I won't be asking DH to do any driving this year as he has said he doesn't want to do it he just wants to be able to relax"

TommyJoesMummy · 15/12/2021 11:42

Can you have a parent each for dinner?
Go to your sister’s at 5pm with them for a bit and then they drive off at 7pm? This being arranged on the understanding that they don’t drink until they’re home safe, and then alternate parents every year going forward?

TommyJoesMummy · 15/12/2021 11:59

Hats off to your sister for saying something by the way. You just need to join together and decide what you pair would like to do and let them know that that’s the only option being offered. Good luck

GrannytoaUnicorn · 15/12/2021 12:07

You take the day shift this year! Then they go to your sisters...

justasking111 · 15/12/2021 12:56

You and sister need to stick together, back her up

AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2021 13:14

@FangsForTheMemory

This^^ 100%.

If you want things to change, you have to change what you're doing. Both you and DSis are enabling your parents bad behaviour. Both of you need to stand firm and tell your parents there will be no alcohol served them and no rides given. Tell your sister that a 'dry' Xmas this year is a small price to pay.

Maybe the threat of spending Xmas Day with only each other for company will be the shock they need to behave, at least one day a year.

Blossom64265 · 15/12/2021 13:33

We never truly get away from the damage caused by our alcoholic parents. We can set boundaries. We can learn and grow from the experience. It’s always there though and it’s so easy to slip back into that scared feeling.

It’s no way to spend Christmas. I do hope you and your sister can find a way to enjoy the holiday. I understand you don’t want to destroy your relationship with your parents. It’s a careful balancing act.

A compromise might be attending lunch at your sister’s and giving them a ride straight home afterwards instead of having the visit at your house. You can use the excuse that you are just exhausted by that point in the day, but will see them again on Boxing Day. Plan this in advance of course so it isn’t a surprise.

TraumatisedinTwickenham · 17/12/2021 16:50

On a completely separate note, I think it's very sad that your parents have stayed together all these years when they clearly dislike each other.
Life is too short..

SunnyUpNorth · 26/12/2021 09:10

@Lima1 I was thinking about this thread this morning and wondering how you got on in the end?

We have a similar toxic situation in our family with my dad, but it’s religion not drink. Also an Irish family. We finally took a stand against it this year (we are three sisters in our forties and were sick of being treated like children), it was quite traumatic and awkward and things aren’t fully back to normal but we also feel good that we have finally put a boundary in place. It got to the post where we felt risking the relationship was worth it as it just caused us stress. I listened to a lot of it Glennon Doyle podcast We Can Do Hard Things, it was like therapy for me. Her and her partner were raised in very religious environments and also had some addiction issues. Their episodes on boundaries made me cry. It is ok for you to politely but firmly put your boundaries in place.

Hope yesterday went ok x

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