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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£300 on Xmas presents?

234 replies

TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:00

My partner and I have 4 children. 2 each from previous relationships. Parenting is split 50/50. All teenagers.
So in our house we have a rule of £300 on each child for Xmas. Which I think is ok.
However, my step children's dad (my partners ex h) always has and always will absolutely spoil his children. They get a lot, and I do mean a lot, all throughout the year, nevermind Xmas and birthdays. Latest iPhone, ipads, 4 or 5 pairs of £150 trainers, lots of very nice clothes, both of the latest xbox and playstation, the list could go on.

My 2 have older games consoles, older phones, not apple products, more reasonably priced clothes.

I've suggested to my partner that we level things up a bit. And only a bit. But she says that we have to treat them all equally. I do agree with this. But it's really hard seeing the ever increasing gap between what the children have, and wear. My 2 children don't moan about it, or ask for much, or anything really. That doesn't mean that they don't notice the difference though. It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.

We all want our children to have nice things right? And provide for them based on what we can afford without spoiling them.

My partner is adamant that if I spend more on my 2 to level things up a bit, then she will have to spend more on her 2, which she doesn't want to do as 300 is plenty.

What do I do?

I've tried talking to my partner about it, and we both have different opinions.

I definitely need to have another conversation about it with her, but it will be difficult, and will end up with her getting angry so I'm avoiding it for the moment.

OP posts:
Watchingpeppa12 · 13/12/2021 08:04

Don’t play catch up or compare, although I can see how it would be so easy too. Your kids will love you no matter what

Jumpingintochristmas · 13/12/2021 08:07

I would want to shorten the gap a bit too.

Sirzy · 13/12/2021 08:09

£300 each is loads.

It’s not a competition

2TurtleDovesInARow · 13/12/2021 08:09

We have a similar predicament as my oldest is with my ex and he is very wealthy. We don't even things out as they all sit down together and open together. I think two having more from you both sends a message. Similarly with wills our kids will all inherit equally regardless of what DD gets from her other side.

£300 is plenty and I'm sure they're not going without. You can always top up clothes etc throughout the year more discreetly if you think your kids don't have enough.

MollysDolly · 13/12/2021 08:12

You're annoyed that the exH is buying what he wants for his own children, because you can't do it for yours?

Sorry, but that's life. You can't always have exactly the same as everyone else, and in this case, your children don't, because neither of their parents provides this.

Your partner is correct. You and her are treating your children equally. What her exH chooses to do with his children, isn't your concern (other than eg knowing he's buying xyz trainers so your partner doesn't buy the same pair). If you want to balance it up, your exW is who you have the conversation with.

girlmom21 · 13/12/2021 08:12

£300 is a massive amount.

SnowWhitesSM · 13/12/2021 08:12

It does feel unfair.

Fair isn't everyone getting equal.

Chely · 13/12/2021 08:13

Spend what is affordable for you.
£300 is a lot to most.

santasmuma · 13/12/2021 08:13

'Level up'

It's not a game. You do you.

RedwineforSantaplease · 13/12/2021 08:16

Is your Ex still around and what do they spend on the children? Grandparents/wider family?

I think lots of things are unfair. Subsequent children often get lots of hand me downs compared to first borns. Is that fair?

Starlightstarbright1 · 13/12/2021 08:18

I agree about it been even. If they wanted a new games console it is ,£250 for the x box s..

My ds is having the x box x because it is £450 he knows it is joint birthday and Christmas. If it is a games console they want upgrading get them to agree to trade in old one.

£300 is a great amount

honeylulu · 13/12/2021 08:19

The Christmas budgets need to stay equal or the wrong message will be given. I can see why you want to "even out" but if it happens out needs to be spread throughout the year like your partners ex does.

Unfortunately this is something that does happen when the ex-spouses have different budgets and attitudes for gift giving. (You don't mention your ex but I assume they aren't as well off and/or generous.) You can only control what goes on in YOUR household and even then you need to reach agreement with your partner.

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:34

@Watchingpeppa12

Don’t play catch up or compare, although I can see how it would be so easy too. Your kids will love you no matter what
I know they will love me regardless, thank you
OP posts:
Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:36

@Sirzy

£300 each is loads.

It’s not a competition

You're right, definitely not a competition. I don't feel like it's a competition. Just want things to feel even between the children
OP posts:
Autumndays123 · 13/12/2021 08:36

Yes I'm not sure why because you're partners ex can provide more for his children, they have to get less from their mum than your kids? Life doesn't work like that unfortunately. I would speak to your ex wife about getting some more work between you if it bothers you that much, you get punish someone else's kids because they get more than your kids do

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:36

@Jumpingintochristmas

I would want to shorten the gap a bit too.
Thank you. Think we're in the minority with that
OP posts:
Autumndays123 · 13/12/2021 08:38

Typos everywhere, apologies. I'll try that again

Yes I'm not sure why just because your partners ex can provide more for his children, they have to get less from their mum than your kids? Life doesn't work like that unfortunately. I would speak to your ex wife about getting some more work between you if it bothers you that much, you can't punish someone else's kids because they get more than your kids do

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:38

@2TurtleDovesInARow

We have a similar predicament as my oldest is with my ex and he is very wealthy. We don't even things out as they all sit down together and open together. I think two having more from you both sends a message. Similarly with wills our kids will all inherit equally regardless of what DD gets from her other side.

£300 is plenty and I'm sure they're not going without. You can always top up clothes etc throughout the year more discreetly if you think your kids don't have enough.

Thanks, maybe that's the way to do it, through out the year
OP posts:
SnowWhitesSM · 13/12/2021 08:38

I think the poster who said to even things out more discreetly through the year had it spot on.

Keep with the £300 budget but treat them a bit more in the year with nicer clothes.

dottiedodah · 13/12/2021 08:39

Well we spend around £300.00 for our DC each .I think thats plenty TBH. Your partners EXH is obv trying to buy them .They live with you guys ,he sees them EOW or whatever .Christmas shouldnt be all about money anyway.

MelroseGrainger · 13/12/2021 08:39

If it means that much to you (and I can certainly see why it does) then surely it would make the most sense to keep back the extra money you want to spend until next year and then spend it on them during the year, like the other kids get? Then it all evens up (your terminology) and you’re not politicising Christmas or upsetting your partner. Win win!

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:41

@MollysDolly

You're annoyed that the exH is buying what he wants for his own children, because you can't do it for yours?

Sorry, but that's life. You can't always have exactly the same as everyone else, and in this case, your children don't, because neither of their parents provides this.

Your partner is correct. You and her are treating your children equally. What her exH chooses to do with his children, isn't your concern (other than eg knowing he's buying xyz trainers so your partner doesn't buy the same pair). If you want to balance it up, your exW is who you have the conversation with.

I can afford to. I want to. It will bring more balance overall to what the children have, i.e. not as big a gap. But my partner doesn't agree.
OP posts:
Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:46

@santasmuma

'Level up'

It's not a game. You do you.

I can't do me.

That's the point unfortunately as my partner and I have different opinions.

I don't want to do what I want regardless of how she feels and her opinions.

OP posts:
Saoirse82 · 13/12/2021 08:48

I agree with you OP. I think you should all keep to your Xmas budget per child as it would be unfair on Xmas morning your children getting more gifts but I think during the year I'd spend more on clothes etc to keep things a bit more equal. It's difficult as I can see your wife's POV too but if it was my kids getting less I'd want to even things out a little too.

Mumdiva99 · 13/12/2021 08:48

I get your predicament. One child has iPhone15 (or whatever) and one has second hand daddy's old android. You jist want it a bit less noticeable they have very different things.

Life isn't fair - and you can argue that both ways.....so you both are right. However, I actually think you are more right in this situation. If you can't resolve it now with your wife maybe birthdays are the time to do it - when there is less comparison between kids.

Fwiw - I have 3 kids and they don't all get exactly the same spent on them. Sometimes one needs/wants something more expensive. For example my son needed a larger violin this year - he got it and it wasn't birthday or Xmas......he is now getting a little less at Xmas because we spent a lot of money already. If a child wants to go on a school residential that will be paid even though the others might not get that spent on them. Older kids tend to ask for more expensive items too....so I have taken advantage of the younger ones wanting less.