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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£300 on Xmas presents?

234 replies

TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:00

My partner and I have 4 children. 2 each from previous relationships. Parenting is split 50/50. All teenagers.
So in our house we have a rule of £300 on each child for Xmas. Which I think is ok.
However, my step children's dad (my partners ex h) always has and always will absolutely spoil his children. They get a lot, and I do mean a lot, all throughout the year, nevermind Xmas and birthdays. Latest iPhone, ipads, 4 or 5 pairs of £150 trainers, lots of very nice clothes, both of the latest xbox and playstation, the list could go on.

My 2 have older games consoles, older phones, not apple products, more reasonably priced clothes.

I've suggested to my partner that we level things up a bit. And only a bit. But she says that we have to treat them all equally. I do agree with this. But it's really hard seeing the ever increasing gap between what the children have, and wear. My 2 children don't moan about it, or ask for much, or anything really. That doesn't mean that they don't notice the difference though. It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.

We all want our children to have nice things right? And provide for them based on what we can afford without spoiling them.

My partner is adamant that if I spend more on my 2 to level things up a bit, then she will have to spend more on her 2, which she doesn't want to do as 300 is plenty.

What do I do?

I've tried talking to my partner about it, and we both have different opinions.

I definitely need to have another conversation about it with her, but it will be difficult, and will end up with her getting angry so I'm avoiding it for the moment.

OP posts:
Dillydilly01 · 13/12/2021 18:32

What your partner in effect is saying - (because your ex cannot afford expensive gifts and hers can) her children can have all the latest gadgets/clothes/technology, etc because their Dad pays for it and because of her demands, she doesn't care that it means your children will have less.

She doesn't really care about you or your children, does she ? Your children probably realise this through their day to day interactions with her. I'd reconsider your relationship if an were you.

Butchyrestingface · 13/12/2021 18:43

Sorry, don't like the sound of your partner at all.

The idea of HER kids getting sack loads of luxury items that are denied to YOUR kids because of some weird, arbitrary sense of 'fairness' that she has, is all kinds of effed up.

Do your kids like your partner? They might not if they knew.

user97533676 · 13/12/2021 19:00

Are you both female OP or are you male?

esloquehay · 13/12/2021 19:19

Your partner can't dictate to you how much you spend on your children. This 'everything equal' isn't creating parity of esteem, is it? It seems to be divisive.

Nowayoutonlydown · 13/12/2021 19:25

thats a tough one, is it possible that your kids receive slightly more, or nicer things throughout the year instead of at Christmas?

this way it appears less like theyre getting more, but its levelling throughout the year when its less noticeable?

I can appreciate where you are both coming from, but I think your partner may ultimately need to have a look at the disparity of the lives of your vs their children have.

Lockdownbear · 13/12/2021 19:41

@user97533676

Are you both female OP or are you male?
The Op is male. His partner female. His kids other parent is their mum. The SC other parent is Dad.

So basically one Dad spoils his kids but the Op isn't allowed to splash out on his.

HikingforScenery · 13/12/2021 19:49

Yeah, yabvu I’m afraid. Of course, if you buy your children more, your partner would have to buy hers more. Otherwise, it’d be unfair.

Hawkins001 · 13/12/2021 19:53

[quote TuesdaySmoozday]@Hawkins001

Partner acknowledges the gap but doesn't feel like there is anything we can do.[/quote]
And yet when you try to fix the gap, suddenly that's unfair even though they are already ahead ? Seems unusual perspective

Thatsplentyjack · 13/12/2021 21:26

Someone may have asked this already, but why not just buy them more throughout the year? Then stick to the budgets for Christmas and birthdays (the birthday one is tight though)

FrothyDragon · 13/12/2021 21:35

I know you don't want your DC to feel that they're missing out. And with the love you're showing them, how could they be?

It's difficult to see how much your DP's ex is putting into his children and knowing there's a disparity. But that's not your gap to fill. He isn't setting the bar higher for you; he's doing what he feels is right for his DC, and he's within his rights to. That's not something you need to "catch up" to.

Your DC are old enough, from what you say, to understand that their circumstances are not the same as your partner's DC. Go easy on yourself. If you want to spend more on your DC, do it because you want to, not because you need to fill some gap that's created by your partner's ex.

Lockdownbear · 13/12/2021 23:18

Your DC are old enough, from what you say, to understand that their circumstances are not the same as your partner's DC.

How are the circumstances different?
4 teens, in a blended family.
2 get £300 from Mum and shedloads from dad.
2 get probably not too much from Mum and £300 from Dad.

This Dad can afford to and wants to give more to his kids. But is being stopped by the step mum who's probably quite happy her kids have the latest consoles etc

OkThenJustChill · 13/12/2021 23:19

Maybe instead of spoiling them OP, you should instead put some money aside for them for unj/house deposit. Your partner doesn't need to know how much you've contributed. It could even be a joint amount from you and your DC's mum. I would even privately explain to your DC that this is your intention. They might remember their step siblings being spoilt wnen they're older but they'll thank you in the long run.

Nowayoutonlydown · 14/12/2021 09:33

@TuesdaySmoozday

Ok. I think the majority opinion here is that I'm not being unreasonable.

And I should grow or strap on a pair of balls and have the conversation. As well as maybe get stuff throughout the year so it's not as big a deal at Xmas.

I've always tried not to spoil my children and don't really buy them much throughout the year. Maybe that's part of the problem.

Not looking forward to the conversation!

I hope your conversation went OK, I imagine it will have been a tough one. Your partner does read as quite controlling. I'm struggling to understand how she can see that one set of children are receiving all of this stuff, when the others aren't, and that's just OK in her mind. I couldn't personally do that myself...equality isn't just for Christmas (though it does seem to become painfully obvious at that time often!)

I can appreciate that she doesn't want a discrepancy at Christmas (always was one during our Christmases growing up.and it always hurt to realise I was receiving less than my siblings)

But it was also quite painful throughout the year, and was more of continuous reminder that I didn't matter as much, and also a source of embarrassment.
How do the kids feel themselves? Are yours envious? Do hers ever make comments that they have wheras the others don't?

I think she needs to think about what it would feel like if her own kids were the ones who were left behind... at that point wouldn't she want her children to receive additional stuff?

MollysDolly · 14/12/2021 13:54

Is the budget agreed at £300 each child because that's what she can afford, or could she afford more?

If you've got so much more excess to spend on your own children, where is that money currently going?

If your excess money is for necessary household expediture, then your partner has a point. If your excess is just sitting in your bank, going on nothing, or piling up your savings then she doesn't as much.

MrsWhites · 14/12/2021 14:03

Your partner is very unreasonable, she wants to limit what you spend on your children whilst her children enjoy the spoils of having a wealthy father and therefore have expensive things.

If it were her children who didn’t have the latest things etc would she feel the same?

sofakingcool · 14/12/2021 14:13

I'm with a lot of the other posters here, your partner is being very unreasonable

FuckingFabulous · 14/12/2021 14:37

So over the last seven YEARS you've not been able to get your kids what you want, because your partner says no?? Or is it the last year and a half of their lives that she's tried to change things for them so that her kids dad treats them as special and you treat them as if they're your kids, but your kids get no special treatment? She sees it as fine that her kids get special treatment from their dad who has them half the time but can't abide you treating your kids that you have half the time?

You have a jealous partner there.

Get your kids whatever the fuck you like! It's not down to her at all.

1forAll74 · 14/12/2021 16:44

I think a lot of children get too much , too soon, these days,especially when you are talking about expensive gadgets etc. You then get to the point,where other birthdays and Christmases come around again, so you have to up the ante with costs again, and then think of what they want next time again.. kind of never ending.

Yearonebesties · 14/12/2021 17:53

I absolutely would not let my partner tell me how much of my own money I could spend on my own children.

MrsBobDylan · 14/12/2021 18:18

I think you need to parent your kids and your partner can do hers.

If she wants things to be so bloody equal, why doesn't she stop her ex from spending such a fucked up amount on their kids?

I think there are bigger issues her than the Xmas budget.

luverlybubberly · 14/12/2021 19:07

My teen is getting a PS5 this Christmas from his Dad which wouldn't be possible if his partner constrained him to a £300 limit. He doesn't spend this much every celebration but this is how much they cost and ex wants to surprise ds

GrazingSheep · 14/12/2021 23:04

Why do your children have to suffer because of the choices you have made in your relationships?

GrazingSheep · 14/12/2021 23:05

Yet again 2 adults shack up together without giving a flying fuck about the impact on the children who have zero say in decisions that impact hugely on their lives.

Mellowyellow222 · 15/12/2021 08:26

This lady sounds very controlling.

You should be making decisions for your children. I do find it odd that some lady who isn’t related to your children is controlling how much they get for Christmas from their dad.

While £300 is generous - you should be free to spend more of you want.

Some years they may want or need big ticket items. If you can afford more why’s sore she get to say no? Her children are getting g these items elsewhere - why should yours be denied

MollysDolly · 15/12/2021 08:49

And when you say, you gave your parents extra money to spend on your DC, and she was cross because her DC weren't treated the same....

Presumably her parents do treat all 4 of the children the same, hence her annoyance that you created a situation where it wasn't the case with your parents.

And again, when people say "stop competing with her exH because he is wealthy" you are quick to say, "no he's not". You seem to have an answer for everything, to suit your narrative.

And you also say you and your partner earn the same amount. So this £300 budget isn't because you've got so much more to spend, and she can't match it. She knows what is required to run the household, because she's paying her half. And knowing the cost of that responsibility, she knows that £300 per child (£600 in total) is what is affordable to both of you, with your joint living costs.

So when you want to use more for your DC presents, where's that coming from? The money you've jointly saved up over the year? Well it can't be because you say you have separate finances. The money that should be going on joint bills?

Is the problem because she has to make up the shortfall because there isn't enough for general living costs in your house if you choose to spend more on your DC.

You also keep glossing over there own mother's responsibility. As if they only have (to use your example) one pair of decent trainers because that's all you spend. So their mother gets them nothing?