£300 on Xmas presents?

[TuesdaySmoozday]

My partner and I have 4 children. 2 each from previous relationships. Parenting is split 50/50. All teenagers.
So in our house we have a rule of £300 on each child for Xmas. Which I think is ok.
However, my step children's dad (my partners ex h) always has and always will absolutely spoil his children. They get a lot, and I do mean a lot, all throughout the year, nevermind Xmas and birthdays. Latest iPhone, ipads, 4 or 5 pairs of £150 trainers, lots of very nice clothes, both of the latest xbox and playstation, the list could go on.

My 2 have older games consoles, older phones, not apple products, more reasonably priced clothes.

I've suggested to my partner that we level things up a bit. And only a bit. But she says that we have to treat them all equally. I do agree with this. But it's really hard seeing the ever increasing gap between what the children have, and wear. My 2 children don't moan about it, or ask for much, or anything really. That doesn't mean that they don't notice the difference though. It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.

We all want our children to have nice things right? And provide for them based on what we can afford without spoiling them.

My partner is adamant that if I spend more on my 2 to level things up a bit, then she will have to spend more on her 2, which she doesn't want to do as 300 is plenty.

What do I do?

I've tried talking to my partner about it, and we both have different opinions.

I definitely need to have another conversation about it with her, but it will be difficult, and will end up with her getting angry so I'm avoiding it for the moment.

It's a tough one to manage BUT I'm sure your children won't think too much of it if you keep reminding them that it's the other kids' dad who is buying them all of these things, in the same way they might get gifts from your ex's side of the family while your DP's kids don't.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you spending a bit more on your children during the year if that works for you, but I think giving more expensive/double the amount to half the children in your household if they are all sitting there opening them together would be a bit unfair.

PS. £300 is already a generous amount per child! Your children are certainly not missing out, even if they are getting a bit less than their step-siblings.

@dottiedodah
Did you read the op? Where it says parenting is shared 50/50? So the father is not trying to buy them because he only sees them EOW

It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.
It’s really easy to get sucked into a deep level of guilt as a parent when families break up. Overcompensating is common, and measuring financial input is easier than really thinking about the other inputs.

I have made a point of buying stuff my kids need, it’s not always fair. I certainly don’t spend an equal amount at xmas, just make sure they have a decent pile each.

I remember getting my littlest on a really cute pair of trousers in the sale. My colleague was shocked i had bought just one pair of trousers, she thought that this was really unfair of me, and that if I couldn’t buy for them both, I shouldn’t buy for one. I went home and explained to my then 5 yr old that they didn’t have them in her size, and her sister needed a pair of trousers. She learned she’d get stuff when she needed it/ when her size came up in sale rack. No upset at all.

Sounds like your kids are already on the right path with accepting such ‘unfairnesses’ especially if they are not asking for much at xmas.

If you feel guilt, perhaps remind yourself at these moments of occasions when you have taught your kids to deal with life’s unfairnesses instead of indulging them, and know that this is a more important aspect of parenting than providing the latest iphone.

Wow, £300 is already a huge amount! We're financially comfortable but spend less than that between two dc. They get so much anyway, from grandparents, aunts and uncles. I wouldn't be levelling up anywhere. You cannot continue to play keeping up with the Joneses. Some people can afford more, that's life. I remember always being the poor relation with my step daughters, me and dh couldn't afford very much at the time and our presents always paled into insignificance. But the result has been that DSD2 understands the value of money more, as well as the value of spending time with family above all else. She's now a wonderful, socially and financially aware 21yo who we're very proud of and she respects us hugely and talks fondly about memories rather than material things.

Whatever happened to the real spirit of Christmas?!

This is just another part of the shitty stick some kids in blended families are beaten with and one of the many reasons I would never subject DD to a step parent.

Even a step parent without kids?

Do you and your partner have shared finances? If not then I would keep birthdays/Christmas equal but spend extra on your own throughout the year, the same as their own dad does.

I agree with your partner you should treat all the children equally. I am sure your kids understand that it is the grand parents of your partner that spoilt her kids and not you or her.

I wouldn't spend more at Xmas, £300 is a LOT, and it will just create tension.
But I would spend more during the year eg on better clothes, if you are concerned, so that Xmas really is just the superfluous stuff.
Your children are teenagers so they understand the situation, and you can explain it to them. Xmas is always unfair, as some children have loads of family (eg uncles and aunts) lavishing them with presents, and others have small families so just a couple of presents.
I had very small family (just parents and grandparents), so always had few presents, now I look at my DC who have so many (lots of childless uncles), and some years esp when they were smaller I actually didn't get them any presents at all (I was always asked to advise what they might want, so I could direct), as they just had so many anyway, and I would just buy them things through the year.
(I do think the question of who is the higher earner, you or you current partner is interesting).
And you need to consider the other presents they will get from your side of the family (and your ex????).

But fundamentally the real question here is not 'do they have as much as the other two', but 'do they have enough' - and I would think that with £300, they do!!

@Whatafustercluck

Wow, £300 is already a huge amount! We're financially comfortable but spend less than that between two dc. They get so much anyway, from grandparents, aunts and uncles. I wouldn't be levelling up anywhere. You cannot continue to play keeping up with the Joneses. Some people can afford more, that's life. I remember always being the poor relation with my step daughters, me and dh couldn't afford very much at the time and our presents always paled into insignificance. But the result has been that DSD2 understands the value of money more, as well as the value of spending time with family above all else. She's now a wonderful, socially and financially aware 21yo who we're very proud of and she respects us hugely and talks fondly about memories rather than material things.

Whatever happened to the real spirit of Christmas?!

Lol the real spirit of Christmas! I absolutely agree with this, but try saying that to a teenager!!

And yes £300 is a lot. But it doesn't get you far if you're trying to buy something like a bike, or a pc, or laptop, or phone. You don't get much for £300.

When ours have wanted something more expensive, we've asked family to club together which has worked well.

I would feel just like you in your position. It's one thing to be fair if you are genuinely a 50:50 household but why should your kids not get a particularly expensive present they would appreciate if you can afford it? My own DC don't get exactly the same spent on them at Christmas and birthdays.

I would give the equal Christmas presents then top up on the nice clothes during the year and if you think they're due a phone or laptop upgrade then I would buy that at a time that suits you and not for presents because it's needed to keep In touch or for school.

You should still be putting your DC first.

I completely understand where you're coming from!
I have DD with my partner, and have two DSD's. They are with us Christmas afternoon so we have to split DD'S presents so she has some to open when they come down.

We spend the same amount on all 3, maybe give or take a few pounds, and it always always plays on minds that when she wakes up to a very small pile of presents on Christmas morning, her sisters are opening a massive pile (theor words not mine) and i feel incredibly guilty that she doesn't have that same experience of seeing a pile of presents when she comes downstairs.
As with you, that's my feeling of guilt though, not hers. She is always over the moon with what she gets and so happy. Then grandparents, aunties turn up and she has another pile to open and I tell myself I'm feeling guilty over nothing and she gets wayyyyy too much stuff and to chill out next year! Fast forward and the same feeling of guilt lol
Whatever my feelings are, they are mine, and we even keep a spreadsheet of presents to make sure they have the same amount spent on them x

Do your children have another parent they see? If so what happens at Christmas from that POV? I think my view will depend on that.

I think you’re already really generous, and as your kids are teenagers they’re old enough to understand how different budgets etc work. They know life isn’t always completely fair / equal. And as ever, the monetary value of gifts is only part of the story - they know what else they get from you in terms of support, love, care etc.

Personally I think it's silly to split a budget into equal £ amounts between children. I never understand how it would work out fairly if you look for offers and such.

For example this year 2 of my dc are getting new bikes. I had a fantastic stroke of luck and saw someone advertising the exact bike i was due to buy for dc3 for £30 on Facebook - absolutely brand new and unused, had been in the garage since last Xmas. So I bought it and saved a fortune.

Dc2s bike however was £150 because obviously lightening that lucky doesn't strike twice! But I'm not about to rush and spend an extra £120 on dc3 for the sake of it.

What matters ime is gift equivalency, not equal £££ spent.

All the posters who expect OPs teens to understand that life is not always fair, why is it not ok for the DWs teens to understand that OPs DC are getting a bit more spent on them because they don't have as many lovely things?

So do you and your partner share finances? Are you the higher earner?

Tbh I wouldn't want anyone to tell me what I could and couldn't spend on my own children. I can see the need for fairness but if I had the money and wanted to treat my kids, I wouldn't want anyone to say I couldn't.

Initially I though you were unreasonable but actually. You want to spend more on your children but she's saying you can't because she doesn't want to spend more on hers. But the reason she doesn't want to spend more on hers is BECAUSE her kids get plenty because their dad buys them loads.
So your kids get less BECAUSE her kids get more. So yeah, spend what you want on your kids. Assuming you have separate incomes and pay equally into the household obviously.

I agree with aspirational. You can't have a new iPad because your step sister already has one? Ridiculous

What is the financial set up?

I don't think anyone should tell you how to spend your money, especially on your kids, however you haven't been clear on the finances within your house ie, do you work and bring home an income? How much is put in a family pot, how much is yours?

I don't think anyone can give an opinion until they know the background. As I said you should be able to spend what you like on your kids, but if the money is your partners then I understand them saying no.

My very first MN biscuit.

It completely depends on the financial set up as well. Do you have one household pot. Or do you keep finances separate.

If it's the former, then you have to both agree what will he spent on "the children". I'd be really annoyed if one parent wanted to take much more of the budget for his own children, purely on what my ex was doing. £300 per child is already a very decent budget. Plus their mother will be getting them all sorts of things separately too.

If it's the latter and you are all 4 separate parents who each buy for their own DC, then each parent would spend what they wanted. But it doesn't sound like that's the set up, or there wouldn't be this agreed £300 for all children.

The whole thing just smacks of keeping up with her ex partner though. It's not "my partner wants a budget of £300 per child, and if they all want an iPhone it's not enough".... it's "my partner wants a budget of £300 per child, but her ex will independently spend a lot and her children will probably end up with iPhones, so my children won't have everything he's bought them". That's not a good way to look at things.

Her children won't have things your ex has bought yours. Your children won't have things her ex has bought hers. That's how it is. It's not equal, because the parents are not. That's what happens in blended families.

I think the bottom line is OP - what would you be spending if your DP wasn't in the picture?

If you'd be spending more than £300 each then I'd say you're not being unreasonable in wanting to do that now.

However if you are only wanting to increase the gifts because of what your stepkids are getting then I do think you are being unreasonable and shouldn't bow to the pressure just because your DP's ex is spending more.

We both earn approx the same, split all bills, and have separate bank accounts. There is no joint pot for Xmas.

Hmm tough one and I can see both sides. Do your children not have gifts off other parent? Or are they not around?

Not the same but I have two dc. Oldest with ex and youngest with Dp we treat them both the same obviously but Ds gets stuff from his dad too.

If it was me I would be agreeing with your partner! as the family unit, you can't spend more on your children than your step kids. Yes it sucks they more than your two with their dad buying stuff but what can you do! It's just part
of being a blended family 🤷‍♀️ Your children are teens, so not young and I'm sure they understand. £300 is still quite a bit!

I assume your step children go off to their dads and open it all there and bring it home? So your children step children should still have the same amount to open at home with you!