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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£300 on Xmas presents?

234 replies

TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:00

My partner and I have 4 children. 2 each from previous relationships. Parenting is split 50/50. All teenagers.
So in our house we have a rule of £300 on each child for Xmas. Which I think is ok.
However, my step children's dad (my partners ex h) always has and always will absolutely spoil his children. They get a lot, and I do mean a lot, all throughout the year, nevermind Xmas and birthdays. Latest iPhone, ipads, 4 or 5 pairs of £150 trainers, lots of very nice clothes, both of the latest xbox and playstation, the list could go on.

My 2 have older games consoles, older phones, not apple products, more reasonably priced clothes.

I've suggested to my partner that we level things up a bit. And only a bit. But she says that we have to treat them all equally. I do agree with this. But it's really hard seeing the ever increasing gap between what the children have, and wear. My 2 children don't moan about it, or ask for much, or anything really. That doesn't mean that they don't notice the difference though. It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.

We all want our children to have nice things right? And provide for them based on what we can afford without spoiling them.

My partner is adamant that if I spend more on my 2 to level things up a bit, then she will have to spend more on her 2, which she doesn't want to do as 300 is plenty.

What do I do?

I've tried talking to my partner about it, and we both have different opinions.

I definitely need to have another conversation about it with her, but it will be difficult, and will end up with her getting angry so I'm avoiding it for the moment.

OP posts:
NoodlesPoodles · 13/12/2021 12:35

@TuesdaySmoozday

Her opinion is that it would not feel nice or fair to her children if my children receive more
But it's ok for your dc to receive less?!? I'm sorry but she sounds horrible...and controlling.
misskatamari · 13/12/2021 12:36

and the thing is (refering to your last post), your kids wouldn't be receiving more would they. Even just adding a bit extra to their christmas funds, the step kids are STILL getting more overall.

lockdownalli · 13/12/2021 12:39

As they are teenagers, they are plenty old enough to understand that their step siblings other parent is more wealthy and therefore they get more/better things. Just the same as a mate at school might.

I think you are infantilising them tbh OP.

Goldbar · 13/12/2021 12:40

@TuesdaySmoozday

Her opinion is that it would not feel nice or fair to her children if my children receive more
Tell her that the status quo doesn't feel nice or fair to your children so she needs to tell her ex that he needs to stop giving expensive gifts to his own children. See how far you get with that. Then everything can be completely equal between all the children.

This is ridiculous. You're making your relationship sound like a prison sentence. And it's not only you who is being controlled, but your kids through you.

luverlybubberly · 13/12/2021 12:40

Have you posted about this before ?

I would not be with someone who tried to prevent me from buying stuff for my kids with my money.

I would not have them living with step siblings who got loads more stuff when I could afford to match it.

5keletor · 13/12/2021 12:41

Sorry, but your partner sounds horrible and controlling. I wouldn't be having a discussion about it, if you want to spend more on your kids to even it out, do so. You don't need her permission. It's worrying that you don't like discussing it with her because she gets angry, to be honest, it sounds like you'd maybe be better off without her controlling you.

LittleMysSister · 13/12/2021 12:41

@TuesdaySmoozday

Her opinion is that it would not feel nice or fair to her children if my children receive more
I can see what she's saying in terms of Christmas, which is the only time they'd actually be sitting together to open gifts, so you wouldn't want some kids opening vastly superior gifts in front of the others.

But I don't think she should be limiting what you spend through the rest of the year, as long as it's not impacting you & the household financially.

If you can afford it without leaving yourself skint and you want to spend it, then you should be able to without her getting on your case.

Goldbar · 13/12/2021 12:43

What would happen if you just bought what you wanted to buy for your kids and, if challenged, shrugged your shoulders and said that they're your kids and it is your money that you are spending on things that they need so you don't really think it is anyone else's business? That's what I'd be tempted to do in your situation.

luverlybubberly · 13/12/2021 12:44

I did manage to allow me to spend 160 on a Samsung tablet for a birthday present instead of the £100 limit she normally sets

You have posted before. Can you not see that she is being outrageously controlling ? You are prioritising your dick over your kids. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:44

@lockdownalli

As they are teenagers, they are plenty old enough to understand that their step siblings other parent is more wealthy and therefore they get more/better things. Just the same as a mate at school might.

I think you are infantilising them tbh OP.

Other parent is not more wealthy
OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 12:45

@lockdownalli

As they are teenagers, they are plenty old enough to understand that their step siblings other parent is more wealthy and therefore they get more/better things. Just the same as a mate at school might.

I think you are infantilising them tbh OP.

Did you miss the part where the PP can afford to give them more, and wants to, but their partner creates holy hell if they do?
FuckingFabulous · 13/12/2021 12:46

How long have you been together?

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:47

@luverlybubberly

I did manage to allow me to spend 160 on a Samsung tablet for a birthday present instead of the £100 limit she normally sets

You have posted before. Can you not see that she is being outrageously controlling ? You are prioritising your dick over your kids. 🤦🏻‍♀️

This has nothing to do with sex
OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 13/12/2021 12:49

Spend what you want on your own kids.

I don't like the idea of budgets for Christmas it makes no sense, it makes more sense to me for each child to have the same number of gifts.

But I can see both sides to the argument especially if they are opening stuff together.

How co-operative would your kids mum be in giving a couple of "joint" presents at her house?

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:50

@Goldbar

What would happen if you just bought what you wanted to buy for your kids and, if challenged, shrugged your shoulders and said that they're your kids and it is your money that you are spending on things that they need so you don't really think it is anyone else's business? That's what I'd be tempted to do in your situation.
It would be a very unhappy and frosty atmosphere. And at some point me being told how much of a shit partner I am for not working together and acting like a family. I'd be told, 1 rule for you and your children, and another for everyone else
OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 13/12/2021 12:50

Separate. Yeah don't think saying that to her will get me far!!

Well time to put your kids first and do what you think is right rather than "keeping the peace" with your controlling partner.

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:51

@FuckingFabulous

How long have you been together?
Nearly 7 years. Lived together for 1 year and a half
OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 13/12/2021 12:54

Why on earth did you move in together? Was she this controlling when you lived separately?

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:55

@Lockdownbear

Spend what you want on your own kids.

I don't like the idea of budgets for Christmas it makes no sense, it makes more sense to me for each child to have the same number of gifts.

But I can see both sides to the argument especially if they are opening stuff together.

How co-operative would your kids mum be in giving a couple of "joint" presents at her house?

Unfortunately her children will be here Xmas day, and mine boxing day. Switches every year. Not ideal but that's the way it falls. Other than that the children spend half of each week here together

So not all opening presents together

OP posts:
Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:57

@Lockdownbear

Spend what you want on your own kids.

I don't like the idea of budgets for Christmas it makes no sense, it makes more sense to me for each child to have the same number of gifts.

But I can see both sides to the argument especially if they are opening stuff together.

How co-operative would your kids mum be in giving a couple of "joint" presents at her house?

Ha ha I did think of that. She would be fine. Feels very underhand though
OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 13/12/2021 12:57

Well then it doesn't matter what you spend the other kids won't see it.
Splash the cash and stand up to her. Why should your kids be the poor relations?

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:58

@Lockdownbear

Why on earth did you move in together? Was she this controlling when you lived separately?
Possibly. Maybe I didn't see it. Maybe I still don't
OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 13/12/2021 13:00

It's very sad that you need to be sleekit to spend money on your own children, either by giving money to their mum or your parents.

But I think if kids won't be opening at the same time just spend what you want. And stand up to your partner

2022HereWeCome · 13/12/2021 13:00

I think this is about more than Xmas presents to be honest. If I was your partner I would be worried about my kids getting to much / being spoiled / never having to wait for anything and would actively cut back on spending for them. I find it odd that she is so black and white about this and I do suspect she would not want this rule in place if it was the other way around ie her children getting less.

However, I wouldn't bother arguing the toss about Christmas and birthday gifts. I notice that you both have separate bank accounts - no joint account, but split bills etc. Personally I would speak to your DC individually and say that you will transfer a set amount into their bank accounts every month (doesn't have to be a lot) and they can then save or use this money to buy things they need ie new clothes, trainers etc. In this way you are supporting your DC but giving them responsibility to chose the things that matter to them.

And frankly it is none of your partners business if you do this - it is you choosing how to spend your money. If she remains unhappy you will need to sit down and work out what you pay for jointly and what is individual expenditure. And if she goes on I would say you no longer support £300 limits and would like it reduced to £150

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 13:01

@5keletor

Sorry, but your partner sounds horrible and controlling. I wouldn't be having a discussion about it, if you want to spend more on your kids to even it out, do so. You don't need her permission. It's worrying that you don't like discussing it with her because she gets angry, to be honest, it sounds like you'd maybe be better off without her controlling you.
Possibly!! Sometimes I think I'm the one being unreasonable. Hence asking on here
OP posts: