Page 4 | £300 on Xmas presents?

Nevermakeit · 13/12/2021 11:44

@StarryNightSky26

Personally I think it's silly to split a budget into equal £ amounts between children. I never understand how it would work out fairly if you look for offers and such.

For example this year 2 of my dc are getting new bikes. I had a fantastic stroke of luck and saw someone advertising the exact bike i was due to buy for dc3 for £30 on Facebook - absolutely brand new and unused, had been in the garage since last Xmas. So I bought it and saved a fortune.

Dc2s bike however was £150 because obviously lightening that lucky doesn't strike twice! But I'm not about to rush and spend an extra £120 on dc3 for the sake of it.

What matters ime is gift equivalency, not equal £££ spent.

Totally agree with this. Also one year one will really need/want an expensive gift, and the nest year it will be someone else. Eg this year my DS getting expensive cricket bat, so probably spending twice as much on him vs his sisters, but last year his sister got a camera, so that year it was her...

BookBug482 · 13/12/2021 11:49

I have 2 children, 1 from a previous relationship and one with my husband. We spend the same on the kids but when my oldest goes to her dad's my husband will give our child a few extra presents so a bit of extra money nothing huge. I don't feel like that's unfair because why shouldn't youngest get a few gifts from their dad when oldest gets that too and gifts from dad's family. My husbands family treats oldest dc as part of the family so essentially oldest is getting gifts from 3 family's and youngest from 2 family's. Oldest understands that they see their dad and get presents so youngest gets a few extra. Oldest doesn't feel like husband loves them or treats them any differently so it works for us. We agree on that though it seems your partner doesn't which is the real issue I think

Original poster

TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 11:50

@LittleMysSister

I think the bottom line is OP - what would you be spending if your DP wasn't in the picture?

If you'd be spending more than £300 each then I'd say you're not being unreasonable in wanting to do that now.

However if you are only wanting to increase the gifts because of what your stepkids are getting then I do think you are being unreasonable and shouldn't bow to the pressure just because your DP's ex is spending more.

Good question, " what would I spend if my partner wasn't in the picture?"

What ever I wanted and could afford. And without the worry that my children feel like the poor relations.

What we have is all relative right?

My children live in an environment where 2 out of 4 children have lots of luxury stuff. And they don't. Which doesn't feel OK to me.

OP posts:

LittleMysSister · 13/12/2021 11:53

@aspirational

All the posters who expect OPs teens to understand that life is not always fair, why is it not ok for the DWs teens to understand that OPs DC are getting a bit more spent on them because they don't have as many lovely things?

It's just a bit different isn't it because the extra presents for DP's kids will be from DP and their mum?

DP and his partner can't do anything to control what other people give their kids, but they can make things even when it comes to their own gifts.

Quite honestly though I'd be inclined to go by need rather than by an arbitrary amount. EG if one child needs a new phone, they should get that (if affordable to OP and partner) rather than not being able to have it because it's more than £300 on this occasion. It sounds like there is a very healthy budget so the other children will still be getting a very decent amount of gifts themselves.

Hawkins001 · 13/12/2021 11:55

@TuesdaySmoozday

My partner and I have 4 children. 2 each from previous relationships. Parenting is split 50/50. All teenagers. So in our house we have a rule of £300 on each child for Xmas. Which I think is ok. However, my step children's dad (my partners ex h) always has and always will absolutely spoil his children. They get a lot, and I do mean a lot, all throughout the year, nevermind Xmas and birthdays. Latest iPhone, ipads, 4 or 5 pairs of £150 trainers, lots of very nice clothes, both of the latest xbox and playstation, the list could go on.

My 2 have older games consoles, older phones, not apple products, more reasonably priced clothes.

I've suggested to my partner that we level things up a bit. And only a bit. But she says that we have to treat them all equally. I do agree with this. But it's really hard seeing the ever increasing gap between what the children have, and wear. My 2 children don't moan about it, or ask for much, or anything really. That doesn't mean that they don't notice the difference though. It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.

We all want our children to have nice things right? And provide for them based on what we can afford without spoiling them.

My partner is adamant that if I spend more on my 2 to level things up a bit, then she will have to spend more on her 2, which she doesn't want to do as 300 is plenty.

What do I do?

I've tried talking to my partner about it, and we both have different opinions.

I definitely need to have another conversation about it with her, but it will be difficult, and will end up with her getting angry so I'm avoiding it for the moment.

As other posters recommend, i d offer the extra £ for e.g. Rewards or tasks completed ect as a cover for you giving them the funds. Although it's puzzling , does your partner see the gap with her ex giving extra funds ?

user38764345 · 13/12/2021 11:57

I don't think it matters what ex partners buy or spend.
I think it's good you both spend the same amount of all the children and it should stay that way.

What they get at other houses & from other families is irrelevant.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 11:59

Spending a fixed amount on each seems daft to me - a 5yo is happy with a fun £5 tshirt from Sainsburys and the teenager wants a £50 quid one...so the younger dc gets 10 extra gifts to make up the cash gap? Madness.

OP if you and your partner had a joint child, I could understand wanting to keep everything the same across the board in your household. But you dont.

You buy your children what you want, this christmas, and she can buy her children what she wants.

This opinion of hers seems quite nasty to me.

Original poster

TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 11:59

@Hawkins001

Partner acknowledges the gap but doesn't feel like there is anything we can do.

OP posts:

Nevermakeit · 13/12/2021 12:01

What about the DC's other parent, OP? You never mention that person, are they not around, are there no gifts from that side?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 12:01

[quote TuesdaySmoozday]@Hawkins001

Partner acknowledges the gap but doesn't feel like there is anything we can do.[/quote]
Of course she does, she just doesnt want it come from her pocket.

Original poster

TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:01

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Spending a fixed amount on each seems daft to me - a 5yo is happy with a fun £5 tshirt from Sainsburys and the teenager wants a £50 quid one...so the younger dc gets 10 extra gifts to make up the cash gap? Madness.

OP if you and your partner had a joint child, I could understand wanting to keep everything the same across the board in your household. But you dont.

You buy your children what you want, this christmas, and she can buy her children what she wants.

This opinion of hers seems quite nasty to me.

I feel like I either stand up for what I believe in, and create world war 3

Or go with the flow and allow it to carry on being unequal just to keep the peace

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2021 12:02

Get your children what you want to get them.

I'd say look, this isn't working so from now on you buy for your children and I'll buy for mine and we decide ourselves what our children get.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 12:03

I feel like I either stand up for what I believe in, and create world war 3.Or go with the flow and allow it to carry on being unequal just to keep the peace

Walking on eggshells, letting your dc be screwed over, and keeping the peace are not healthy actions in a relationship.

Original poster

TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:05

@Nevermakeit

What about the DC's other parent, OP? You never mention that person, are they not around, are there no gifts from that side?

Yes they are around. And I pay CM. And presents are given, but not to the same level.

It's the constant all year round purchasing of new stuff. It does feel like every week there is something. Phone. Clothes. Trainers. Repeat.

OP posts:

aspirational · 13/12/2021 12:07

I do see that point @LittleMysSister but the OPs DW is controlling what he can spend on his DC. Because her DC are fine, they have loads.
OP there is no way I would put up with this for my DC. As a op said it would be different if you had a child together but you don't.
MN is always telling parents their DC must come before any new partner, and this situation is no different.
If you would normally buy whatever you wanted and can afford then you should do that now.

LittleMysSister · 13/12/2021 12:07

Good question, " what would I spend if my partner wasn't in the picture?"

What ever I wanted and could afford. And without the worry that my children feel like the poor relations.

What we have is all relative right?

My children live in an environment where 2 out of 4 children have lots of luxury stuff. And they don't. Which doesn't feel OK to me.

@TuesdaySmoozday I do get your struggle OP, honestly. I have 2 SCs and it will be hard for me if we have a child of our own to watch my SCs getting so much more in terms of gifts, because they get a whole Christmas/birthday load from me and DP, and then go and get the same amount over again from their mum. Our child will obviously only get the one load from me & DP together, and it won't be more than what we get my SCs.

I would hope though that, like I said above, we would be able to agree to go on a basis of need, rather than trying to match everything exactly. So if our child needed, say, a laptop for school or something, then I wouldn't expect my DP to want to spend the extra again per child just to make it 'fair', then the other children are already getting lots of things they wanted. Same the other way round, I am not going to spend £700+ on Christmas gifts for my child just because my SS might be getting a new phone that year.

What I mean to say is - is there any way your partner might agree to rethink the arbitrary £300 amount in favour of a more balanced approach in terms of actual needs/wants? Not sure if it was you or another PP who said it above, but it does seem unfair that she is the one suggesting this amount when she knows that her children's more expensive gifts are covered elsewhere.

I do think £300 is a very generous budget per child, it's more than I would spend, but obviously there are some 'big ticket' items which occasionally need buying that are over that amount. It doesn't mean to say every Christmas or birthday you'll be spending a crazy amount on your kids and she won't, but on occasion you may need to spend more than that and it shouldn't be an issue.

cheninblanc · 13/12/2021 12:08

I've only skimmed this but surely if the op children are old enough to understand they might get less then the partners children are also old enough to understand that their Dad has bought more this year because they have top of the range stuff and the other kids don't plus extra gifts from other family members. I Bridge the gap here, my children have an absent father and my step child has a large family and gets more plus gifts at mums and gifts here. I buy more for mine but overall they get similar across the way it works. I'd be buying what you feel is right, can you do the new phones for Xmas and something else for birthdays?

Original poster

TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:09

I did give my parents some extra money last xmas to buy something a bit extra for my children (which made me feel very guilty and like I was doing something bad)

That caused a problem as she was upset that my parents bought my children more than her children

OP posts:

aspirational · 13/12/2021 12:10

You should not keep the peace of it means letting your children down.

aspirational · 13/12/2021 12:11

Why do your parents have to spend the same on her DC. Nice if they want to but really unreasonable to expect that. Your children are their GC. Hers are not.

LittleMysSister · 13/12/2021 12:12

I feel like I either stand up for what I believe in, and create world war 3

Or go with the flow and allow it to carry on being unequal just to keep the peace

I'd just approach it by not making it about her kids at all.

Ie next Christmas/birthday, just mention "DS/DD needs new trainers and an upgrade on her phone, so I'm going to get those for her birthday from us".

If DP kicks off, the argument is that it's something that your child needs and actually by giving it as a birthday/Christmas gift it's probably saving money as otherwise you'd be spending an extra £300 on top of buying her the things she needs. Don't even bring her kids into it.

HollowTalk · 13/12/2021 12:12

So your partner is saying that your children can never have a good iPad, iPhone or laptop? Ever?

She sounds incredibly controlling. Are you happy with her?

Original poster

TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:13

@cheninblanc

I've only skimmed this but surely if the op children are old enough to understand they might get less then the partners children are also old enough to understand that their Dad has bought more this year because they have top of the range stuff and the other kids don't plus extra gifts from other family members. I Bridge the gap here, my children have an absent father and my step child has a large family and gets more plus gifts at mums and gifts here. I buy more for mine but overall they get similar across the way it works. I'd be buying what you feel is right, can you do the new phones for Xmas and something else for birthdays?

This is a very similar situation, thank you for sharing.

Yes, saying the the children should understand, should work both ways. I've tried explaining that.

OP posts:

BurntO · 13/12/2021 12:13

You do nothing. Life isn’t always fair. Keep the amounts equal within your home. You cannot control everything

HollowTalk · 13/12/2021 12:13

Do her children get presents from their own grandparents? And do their grandparents spend an identical amount on your children?