£300 on Xmas presents?

[TuesdaySmoozday]

My partner and I have 4 children. 2 each from previous relationships. Parenting is split 50/50. All teenagers.
So in our house we have a rule of £300 on each child for Xmas. Which I think is ok.
However, my step children's dad (my partners ex h) always has and always will absolutely spoil his children. They get a lot, and I do mean a lot, all throughout the year, nevermind Xmas and birthdays. Latest iPhone, ipads, 4 or 5 pairs of £150 trainers, lots of very nice clothes, both of the latest xbox and playstation, the list could go on.

My 2 have older games consoles, older phones, not apple products, more reasonably priced clothes.

I've suggested to my partner that we level things up a bit. And only a bit. But she says that we have to treat them all equally. I do agree with this. But it's really hard seeing the ever increasing gap between what the children have, and wear. My 2 children don't moan about it, or ask for much, or anything really. That doesn't mean that they don't notice the difference though. It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.

We all want our children to have nice things right? And provide for them based on what we can afford without spoiling them.

My partner is adamant that if I spend more on my 2 to level things up a bit, then she will have to spend more on her 2, which she doesn't want to do as 300 is plenty.

What do I do?

I've tried talking to my partner about it, and we both have different opinions.

I definitely need to have another conversation about it with her, but it will be difficult, and will end up with her getting angry so I'm avoiding it for the moment.

She's being ridiculous. It's none of her business what you spend on your children, you're their Dad for goodness sake. Why should you restrict your spending because she doesn't want to match it? Her children get enough from their own Dad.

It's none of her business what you spend on your children, you're their Dad for goodness sake.

Well it is if they live together and she has to pay far more of the living expenses, so he can buy his children more presents. If the household rent/bills are (say) £2000, and both partners pay £1000, and have £300 left over for presents, that's fair. What's not, is "well, I'm spending my £1000 on my children, matching what your exH buys...so I'll spend my money on my children, and so you'll need to cover my rent and bills" That's very much her business.

Why should you restrict your spending because she doesn't want to match it?

It all depends where the increased spending is coming from. OP says he doesn't earn more than his partner. So it's not like he's got all this excess kicking about. If they both had loads of excess, then there wouldn't be a £300 budget and this "my children only have one pair of decent trainers" situation that OP says there is.

Her children get enough from their own Dad.

And this is a conversation OP needs to have, with his own children's mother.

@MollysDolly
They contribute equally to the house but have separate finances.

The extra would be coming out the Ops pocket nothing to do with the partner.
I'm reading it as neither of them are skint and their is plenty excess cash.

Just because people have excess cash it doesn't mean they are happy for their kids to have more than one decent pair of trainers. Kids are in school shoes half the time and they have growing feet why on earth do they need more than one decent pair of trainers, that will be out grown before they are out worn?

I'm assuming the Ops children's mum isn't in the position to spend big money on their kids. Why should she influence his spending either?

£300 budget sounds generous until you consider the cost of teens clothing, although some would argue trainers and clothing shouldn't be a gift.
Other stuff like consoles and bikes are expensive and probably not manage able on a £300 limit.

The Ops partners Ex is spending BiG money on this kids, his choice to do that. Which in turn means they are the Jones. The Ops partner appears to have decided to avoid getting into a battle of trying to out spend her ex hence her £300 limit. Their kids know if they want big ticket items 'then ask Dad'.

Why should the Op also stick to that £300 limit because it suits his partner for them as a couple not to appear to spend more on his kids than hers?

The kids don't even open their gifts together!

"She gets angry"..... and what does that look like OP?
"I'm trying to avoid world war 3" Do you feel safe?
She sounds quite nasty to me, she's prioritising her own DC and doesn't care that yours have less. No way could I let my DC be treated like this. Teenagers are sensitive souls, they will notice their tatty trainers esp if their siblings have the latest gear. I don't know why you are with this arse of a woman, presumably she has other great qualities.

Have you noticed OP avoids any question that shows he's taking the piss once you have the full context.

He just wants sympathy and validation. Whilst hiding the whole picture. He and his children are the poor victims that way. It's rather manipulative.

So, on the basis, for example, you read it as: they both have plenty of excess cash....

What makes you think this? Because OP says his children only have one decent pair of trainers each and her children have 6. So what's his story, he only buys his children one pair a year, because with allllllll his excess cash, he can't buy another pair and neither can their mother who again, he's pretending doesn't exist can provide for her own children.

These "6 pairs" the other children have. Well they must all be from the exH. Because if he's claiming his children are these "poor relatives" because he can only spend the same as his partner, then she can't be getting her children anything. With all her excess cash. Never buys anything. They both have their own separate cash, loads of it, but for no reason at all, it can't go on the children. Starting to see OPs story not add up?

Oh, then there's the exH, buying both his children 6 pairs of trainers, both his children the latest console, both his children the latest iPhone, every gadget going, every time they go to his, they return with all these expensive and luxurious items. But as soon as you point out, he's just trying to keep up with her exH, OP starts, "no, he's not wealthy". Well, which is it. He's nice and rich when you want to list endless purchases of luxury items to make your children look hard done by. But as soon as it's pointed out you're in competition with him? Oh no, he's got no money.

I suspect there's far more to this than the story OP tells.

Possibly more too it, but define 'wealthy' ?My head wealthy means millionaire who doesn't need to think about money at all.

Not some one who makes the choice between increasing their savings fund or spending a bit extra at Christmas to buy a PS5.

@MollysDolly My ex buys our kids lots of expensive stuff (despite probably having credit card debt) because that's how he shows his dad guilt. Our kids have the latest iPhones, ds is getting a PS5 and the kids say that he regularly offers to buy them stuff that they don't need.

He's posted this dilemma before and always gets the same replies each time. Despite him saying that he's not prioritising his relationship over his kids, he clearly is by staying with this woman who doesn't sound like a good person at all.

@Lockdownbear

Possibly more too it, but define 'wealthy' ?My head wealthy means millionaire who doesn't need to think about money at all.

Not some one who makes the choice between increasing their savings fund or spending a bit extra at Christmas to buy a PS5.

Yes, I agree.

But is it a PS5 once a year that OP is portraying? It's not "a bit extra at Christmas" according to OP. Her DC are armed with the latest everything, every time they return from their father. Who is apparently not wealthy. But somehow has the ability to endlessly spoil them throughout the year in his 50% residence with them, so much that OPs children are "poor relatives"

Their own mother doesn't provide anything of consequence according to OP, and he doesn't want to talk about her contribution, whilst fixating on what OPs ex does. OPs partner sets a Christmas budget of £300 per child within their household. OPs problem is outside of their household, someone else keeps buying her children endless luxury items. Yet somehow he can't spend his own separate money throughout the year?

The exH doesn't limit his purchasing to Christmas. So why is it, by, say June, when the partners DC are lining up their 6 pairs of trainers, that OP can not buy another pair for either of his? If it's not a birthday, or a Christmas, (where budgets are set so the parents in the household treat the children in the household the same) why is it that he can't buy shoes for his children in June?

@TuesdaySmoozday

My partner and I have 4 children. 2 each from previous relationships. Parenting is split 50/50. All teenagers. So in our house we have a rule of £300 on each child for Xmas. Which I think is ok. However, my step children's dad (my partners ex h) always has and always will absolutely spoil his children. They get a lot, and I do mean a lot, all throughout the year, nevermind Xmas and birthdays. Latest iPhone, ipads, 4 or 5 pairs of £150 trainers, lots of very nice clothes, both of the latest xbox and playstation, the list could go on.

My 2 have older games consoles, older phones, not apple products, more reasonably priced clothes.

I've suggested to my partner that we level things up a bit. And only a bit. But she says that we have to treat them all equally. I do agree with this. But it's really hard seeing the ever increasing gap between what the children have, and wear. My 2 children don't moan about it, or ask for much, or anything really. That doesn't mean that they don't notice the difference though. It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.

We all want our children to have nice things right? And provide for them based on what we can afford without spoiling them.

My partner is adamant that if I spend more on my 2 to level things up a bit, then she will have to spend more on her 2, which she doesn't want to do as 300 is plenty.

What do I do?

I've tried talking to my partner about it, and we both have different opinions.

I definitely need to have another conversation about it with her, but it will be difficult, and will end up with her getting angry so I'm avoiding it for the moment.

Any updates on the current situation ?