Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£300 on Xmas presents?

234 replies

TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:00

My partner and I have 4 children. 2 each from previous relationships. Parenting is split 50/50. All teenagers.
So in our house we have a rule of £300 on each child for Xmas. Which I think is ok.
However, my step children's dad (my partners ex h) always has and always will absolutely spoil his children. They get a lot, and I do mean a lot, all throughout the year, nevermind Xmas and birthdays. Latest iPhone, ipads, 4 or 5 pairs of £150 trainers, lots of very nice clothes, both of the latest xbox and playstation, the list could go on.

My 2 have older games consoles, older phones, not apple products, more reasonably priced clothes.

I've suggested to my partner that we level things up a bit. And only a bit. But she says that we have to treat them all equally. I do agree with this. But it's really hard seeing the ever increasing gap between what the children have, and wear. My 2 children don't moan about it, or ask for much, or anything really. That doesn't mean that they don't notice the difference though. It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.

We all want our children to have nice things right? And provide for them based on what we can afford without spoiling them.

My partner is adamant that if I spend more on my 2 to level things up a bit, then she will have to spend more on her 2, which she doesn't want to do as 300 is plenty.

What do I do?

I've tried talking to my partner about it, and we both have different opinions.

I definitely need to have another conversation about it with her, but it will be difficult, and will end up with her getting angry so I'm avoiding it for the moment.

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 13/12/2021 12:14

@TuesdaySmoozday

I did give my parents some extra money last xmas to buy something a bit extra for my children (which made me feel very guilty and like I was doing something bad)

That caused a problem as she was upset that my parents bought my children more than her children

This is mad though, your parents are not related to her children in the same way that her ex is not related to yours - yet she has no problem with her children getting more via that route??

Can she not see that's the same? Your children presumably don't get anything at all from her ex (obviously), yet it sounds like her children are actually getting gifts from your parents, even if not as much as their grandchildren. Very bad attitude from your DP here.

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:15

@LittleMysSister

Good question, " what would I spend if my partner wasn't in the picture?"

What ever I wanted and could afford. And without the worry that my children feel like the poor relations.

What we have is all relative right?

My children live in an environment where 2 out of 4 children have lots of luxury stuff. And they don't. Which doesn't feel OK to me.

@TuesdaySmoozday I do get your struggle OP, honestly. I have 2 SCs and it will be hard for me if we have a child of our own to watch my SCs getting so much more in terms of gifts, because they get a whole Christmas/birthday load from me and DP, and then go and get the same amount over again from their mum. Our child will obviously only get the one load from me & DP together, and it won't be more than what we get my SCs.

I would hope though that, like I said above, we would be able to agree to go on a basis of need, rather than trying to match everything exactly. So if our child needed, say, a laptop for school or something, then I wouldn't expect my DP to want to spend the extra again per child just to make it 'fair', then the other children are already getting lots of things they wanted. Same the other way round, I am not going to spend £700+ on Christmas gifts for my child just because my SS might be getting a new phone that year.

What I mean to say is - is there any way your partner might agree to rethink the arbitrary £300 amount in favour of a more balanced approach in terms of actual needs/wants? Not sure if it was you or another PP who said it above, but it does seem unfair that she is the one suggesting this amount when she knows that her children's more expensive gifts are covered elsewhere.

I do think £300 is a very generous budget per child, it's more than I would spend, but obviously there are some 'big ticket' items which occasionally need buying that are over that amount. It doesn't mean to say every Christmas or birthday you'll be spending a crazy amount on your kids and she won't, but on occasion you may need to spend more than that and it shouldn't be an issue.

She will not budge on the exact same amount per child. Had that discussion many times. It doesn't end well
OP posts:
IgneousRock · 13/12/2021 12:17

Regardless of the amount that the other kids get. If you have separate finances, which it seems that you do, surely it's none of your partner's business how much of your own money you spend on your own kids? Sorry but I would tell her to fuck off if she tried to impose a budget on my spending! Spend what you like OP.

username1293948 · 13/12/2021 12:20

Sorry but their father can buy whatever he damn well pleases for his own children…

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:20

@HollowTalk

So your partner is saying that your children can never have a good iPad, iPhone or laptop? Ever?

She sounds incredibly controlling. Are you happy with her?

Yes, apart from stuff like this.

I did manage to allow me to spend 160 on a Samsung tablet for a birthday present instead of the £100 limit she normally sets

OP posts:
Nevermakeit · 13/12/2021 12:20

Seems to me OP based on your latest post (and now I reread your first post I can see it there also) that the issue isn't actually Xmas, it's the rest of the year.
So I think to be diplomatic and manage your partner I would 'follow the rules' for Xmas but, if you can afford it, spend more on the children the rest of year. That way there will be less of the gap.
Beware however of spending more than you can actually afford to, as sometimes it's just impossible to keep up.
We are very comfortable, but circumstances mean we are often in the company of super rich people, and it's not nice. My DD's best friend was the DD of a leading footballer, and was a nice kid but would often show photos of them on jetskis and yachts on holiday and the likes, and always had beautiful clothes. My DD would try and put a brave face on but it wasn't nice, and I breathed a sigh of relief when they left. But there will always be people like that in life, and you need to get used to it, and learn to be happy with your life (within reason obviously).
On top of that on principle I don't like what I consider excessive materialism and wasteful spending. So my kids are always the 'poor kids', and don't have all the latest stuff (eg they have 1-2 pairs of trainers, not 6). But I hope they have principles and will be better set up for life when you can't always get what you want...

But in your case, I would definitely spend more across the year, if you can do it - that seems to be more the problem than the actual Xmas budget.

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:21

@IgneousRock

Regardless of the amount that the other kids get. If you have separate finances, which it seems that you do, surely it's none of your partner's business how much of your own money you spend on your own kids? Sorry but I would tell her to fuck off if she tried to impose a budget on my spending! Spend what you like OP.
Thank you. Easier said than done
OP posts:
IgneousRock · 13/12/2021 12:22

How would she even know exactly how much you've spent? Do you have to show her the receipts or something?!

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:24

@Nevermakeit

Seems to me OP based on your latest post (and now I reread your first post I can see it there also) that the issue isn't actually Xmas, it's the rest of the year. So I think to be diplomatic and manage your partner I would 'follow the rules' for Xmas but, if you can afford it, spend more on the children the rest of year. That way there will be less of the gap. Beware however of spending more than you can actually afford to, as sometimes it's just impossible to keep up. We are very comfortable, but circumstances mean we are often in the company of super rich people, and it's not nice. My DD's best friend was the DD of a leading footballer, and was a nice kid but would often show photos of them on jetskis and yachts on holiday and the likes, and always had beautiful clothes. My DD would try and put a brave face on but it wasn't nice, and I breathed a sigh of relief when they left. But there will always be people like that in life, and you need to get used to it, and learn to be happy with your life (within reason obviously). On top of that on principle I don't like what I consider excessive materialism and wasteful spending. So my kids are always the 'poor kids', and don't have all the latest stuff (eg they have 1-2 pairs of trainers, not 6). But I hope they have principles and will be better set up for life when you can't always get what you want...

But in your case, I would definitely spend more across the year, if you can do it - that seems to be more the problem than the actual Xmas budget.

Thank you for the advise and similarities.

The 6 pairs of trainers compared to 1 nice pair and 1 scruffy pair is a great example of things here!!

OP posts:
Nevermakeit · 13/12/2021 12:24

@username1293948

Sorry but their father can buy whatever he damn well pleases for his own children…
Sounds like she is very good at setting and enforcing limits.... If she sets a limit on what your parents spend, surely she should agree to what her ex spends. That way EVERYONE has a limit, and if there is a gap, it doesn't come from Xmas....?
Thatsplentyjack · 13/12/2021 12:25

I assumed you had shared finances, separate finances? Absolutely tell her to fuck off. Spend what you like on your own kids.

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:26

@IgneousRock

How would she even know exactly how much you've spent? Do you have to show her the receipts or something?!
No but she would know, it's mostly obvious approximately how much stuff costs
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/12/2021 12:26

Honestly, you need to find your backbone. Why are you putting up with this? Your poor children. This partner is dominating you and your children. Her own children are spoiled rotten and you're being told what you can spend on your children.

If I were your children I'd think you didn't have my back.

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 13/12/2021 12:26

What happens in her ex's home (and what happens in your exes home) is out of your control.
So you and your partner have to decide what happens in your home, with your (presumably) joint finances, when it comes to Christmas etc. Personally I wouldn't base this on what the ex partners are going to do.

Wheelz46 · 13/12/2021 12:26

Seems like it's her way or the highway.

How I would look at it is, 'if she wasn't in the picture, what would I buy?' If that turns out to be more than the £300 spent on her kids, then that's for her to deal with and increase her spending if she so desires.

Nobody would be telling me what I could or could not spend on my own kids out of my own pocket! I think you should put your foot down OP tell her this is what you are spending on yours and its upto her if she wants to even it out!

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:27

@Thatsplentyjack

I assumed you had shared finances, separate finances? Absolutely tell her to fuck off. Spend what you like on your own kids.
Separate. Yeah don't think saying that to her will get me far!!
OP posts:
Goldbar · 13/12/2021 12:27

She is being controlling.

You have largely separate finances apart from splitting the bills. So no joint family pot.

Why are you letting her tell you how you should spend your money? Do you tell her how she should spend her money?

Spend what you want on your own kids and she can match it for her children (out of her own money) if she thinks it is really necessary given what their dad already buys them.

If she insists on controlling your finances and your relationship with your children in this way, I would seriously re-think the relationship.

Nevermakeit · 13/12/2021 12:29

If it's any consolation at all, I spent my childhood being the 'poor kid' (very relative - we were very comfortable but I was in a school where some were ambassador's children and the likes, with lifts in their homes etc), with very principled parents.... I wasn't unhappy at all but very aware and the result of it was I developped huge ambitions to be successful in life and make a lot of money myself, to be able to be 'one of those people' and buy all those things myself!
Was def a big motivator to do well at school, go to a top university and get a high paid job (first job was in consulting) at the start of my career (which then went downhill when I had the DC but that's another story!:).

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:30

@Wheelz46

Seems like it's her way or the highway.

How I would look at it is, 'if she wasn't in the picture, what would I buy?' If that turns out to be more than the £300 spent on her kids, then that's for her to deal with and increase her spending if she so desires.

Nobody would be telling me what I could or could not spend on my own kids out of my own pocket! I think you should put your foot down OP tell her this is what you are spending on yours and its upto her if she wants to even it out!

I'd be told..

You're not supporting me
We're meant to work as a team
Why are you making such a big deal out of it
Why is everything so hard with you
We're meant to be a family

OP posts:
AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 13/12/2021 12:30

@TuesdaySmoozday

We both earn approx the same, split all bills, and have separate bank accounts. There is no joint pot for Xmas.
OK, then I change my opinion. She can't dictate what you spend your own money on, outside of the bills etc.
Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 12:32

Her opinion is that it would not feel nice or fair to her children if my children receive more

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 12:32

@username1293948

Sorry but their father can buy whatever he damn well pleases for his own children…
Of course he can. and so can the OP for her own - problem is she is being controlled by her partner who says she cannot buy what she wants for her own children.
Nevermakeit · 13/12/2021 12:33

Just realised one of my earlier messages not clear. Can you get her to set her EX a limit? Like she does to you and your parents? Sounds like he is the main one she is NOT setting a limit on, and therein lies part of the problem? That way the onus is on her.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 12:34

Do her parents spend equal amounts on her children and yours?

The more you tell us about her, the more I think she is being emotionally and financially controlling.

misskatamari · 13/12/2021 12:34

I'm with you on this OP. It's not like you want to spoil yours in the same way the dad spoils your step kids (with constant spending), you just want to give your children some of the same things that their step siblings have. I imagine in their shoes it does smart a bit, seeing their step siblings get given so much and them not. Even the nicest, most generous etc person, would struggle not to have that sting.

I always remember the phrase "fair doesn't have to mean equal" and think it applies perfectly here. The current set up isn't fair on your children. By gifting a bit more at christmas to them, you increase the fairness of the situation.

I hope your partner comes round and starts to see this. I would really struggle with seeing my kids be treated this way. Yes £300 is a fair whack of money, and kids need to learn they can't always have whatever they want etc etc. But the unfairness of this situation doesn't sit right with me, and I would be addressing it for sure.

Swipe left for the next trending thread