Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£300 on Xmas presents?

234 replies

TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:00

My partner and I have 4 children. 2 each from previous relationships. Parenting is split 50/50. All teenagers.
So in our house we have a rule of £300 on each child for Xmas. Which I think is ok.
However, my step children's dad (my partners ex h) always has and always will absolutely spoil his children. They get a lot, and I do mean a lot, all throughout the year, nevermind Xmas and birthdays. Latest iPhone, ipads, 4 or 5 pairs of £150 trainers, lots of very nice clothes, both of the latest xbox and playstation, the list could go on.

My 2 have older games consoles, older phones, not apple products, more reasonably priced clothes.

I've suggested to my partner that we level things up a bit. And only a bit. But she says that we have to treat them all equally. I do agree with this. But it's really hard seeing the ever increasing gap between what the children have, and wear. My 2 children don't moan about it, or ask for much, or anything really. That doesn't mean that they don't notice the difference though. It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.

We all want our children to have nice things right? And provide for them based on what we can afford without spoiling them.

My partner is adamant that if I spend more on my 2 to level things up a bit, then she will have to spend more on her 2, which she doesn't want to do as 300 is plenty.

What do I do?

I've tried talking to my partner about it, and we both have different opinions.

I definitely need to have another conversation about it with her, but it will be difficult, and will end up with her getting angry so I'm avoiding it for the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:49

@MelroseGrainger

If it means that much to you (and I can certainly see why it does) then surely it would make the most sense to keep back the extra money you want to spend until next year and then spend it on them during the year, like the other kids get? Then it all evens up (your terminology) and you’re not politicising Christmas or upsetting your partner. Win win!
This seems sensible, thank you. Thank you to everyone else who suggested it too.
OP posts:
RevolvingPivot · 13/12/2021 08:53

I totally understand understand both sides.

Do your kids see their dad?

It's hard for blended families.

I know one mum with 3 kids with different dads. The eldest doesn't see their dad but youngest two are really spoilt throughout the year. She spends the same on all 3.

I think that is just what happens if you get with someone with children or have children with different fathers?

Think the best bet is to buy them things throughout the year as you said you can afford it?

RevolvingPivot · 13/12/2021 08:55

If you can afford too why don't you buy them trainers and phones when they need them? That's a bare minimum for teenagers these days? Don't have to be the newest model just newer than what they have.

Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:56

@Mumdiva99

I get your predicament. One child has iPhone15 (or whatever) and one has second hand daddy's old android. You jist want it a bit less noticeable they have very different things.

Life isn't fair - and you can argue that both ways.....so you both are right. However, I actually think you are more right in this situation. If you can't resolve it now with your wife maybe birthdays are the time to do it - when there is less comparison between kids.

Fwiw - I have 3 kids and they don't all get exactly the same spent on them. Sometimes one needs/wants something more expensive. For example my son needed a larger violin this year - he got it and it wasn't birthday or Xmas......he is now getting a little less at Xmas because we spent a lot of money already. If a child wants to go on a school residential that will be paid even though the others might not get that spent on them. Older kids tend to ask for more expensive items too....so I have taken advantage of the younger ones wanting less.

My partner does not agree with this unfortunately. Birthdays have to be the same too. And regardless of age. All has to be equal.

I can't help but think that if the shoe was on the other foot, would she have a different opinion.

It's all good and well my partner saying it has to be equal when it's not her children that receive less.

OP posts:
Original poster
TuesdaySmoozday · 13/12/2021 08:59

@RevolvingPivot

I totally understand understand both sides.

Do your kids see their dad?

It's hard for blended families.

I know one mum with 3 kids with different dads. The eldest doesn't see their dad but youngest two are really spoilt throughout the year. She spends the same on all 3.

I think that is just what happens if you get with someone with children or have children with different fathers?

Think the best bet is to buy them things throughout the year as you said you can afford it?

That's a real shame for the eldest. I do feel for him.
OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/12/2021 09:00

Sounds like a weird set up to me. Personally, I spend what I want on my child and wouldn't entertain the idea of "equal" budgets with a partner's kids (if I had one). You spend what you want on your kids, I'll spend what I want on mine.

Comedycook · 13/12/2021 09:03

Yabvu...some people have more stuff than you do, that's life..I'm sure your kids will be totally fine with their £300 worth of presents Hmm

Biker47 · 13/12/2021 09:05

It's never going to be fair though, you personally spending more on your kids while spending less on the other kids in some attempt to "even it out" is intrinsically; "unfair" as well.

Them having an additional parent who can spend more on them when your kids presumably don't have another parent who is spending on them is irrelevant, and whatever way you look at, trying to even it out is pretty much indirectly punishing them because they have another parent who can afford to spend on them.

Comedycook · 13/12/2021 09:05

But anyway, spend whatever you want you want on your kids...it's not anyone elses business, even your partner's imo

Thatsplentyjack · 13/12/2021 09:06

At first I was going to say YABU because I thought you wanted your partner to spend less on her dcs, but I don't see the problem with you spending a bit more on your dcs. Do your children see their other parent? Do they spend money on them for Christmas.

Honestly thought I would be telling my partner to fuck off if I'm honest. If I could afford to give my children more, then j would be regardless of what my partner said. I wonder if she would feel the same if it was the other way around, I think not.

Thatsplentyjack · 13/12/2021 09:08

is pretty much indirectly punishing them because they have another parent who can afford to spend on them.

Punishing them how? They have this stuff already. The OP is not taking anything away from their step children, just wants to give their own children more so they don't feel too different. I think that's completely fair and if the step children and their mother can't see that and accept it then they are spoiled and controlling imo.

Mumdiva99 · 13/12/2021 09:09

@tuesdaySmoozday but it's not equal is it. If one needs new school shoes do you buy 3 other pairs to make it fair? If one needs a new jumper do you buy 3 more? If one is invited to a birthday party and you buy a gift for the birthday child you don't immediately spend the same on the other 3 kids etc etc Next time one has a school trip point out to her that's not fair.....

I would find it hard to reconcile that attitude with the reality of life. Does your wife have issues from her childhood around this? (My mum is funny about equality because she was bought up believing her sister - who was her parents by birth - got more than she did).

Georgy12 · 13/12/2021 09:09

I understand everyone on here saying the kids should all get the same from you but tbh I'd be upset if it were my kids. Their dad is spending what he wants on HIS kids and people seem to think that's fine. I'm of the opinion of you want to spend more money on YOUR kids, and you can afford it, no-one has the right to say you can't, that includes your wife. I'm sure she's lovely but I wouldn't let anyone dictate what my kids get from me xx

girlmom21 · 13/12/2021 09:10

OP my SSis always had more than us because her dad could afford it but that wasn't my SM's or DF's faults.

We never resented them for it, if that helps.

Georgy12 · 13/12/2021 09:11

I mean of course your wife is happy with the arrangement, it's her kids who benefit 🙄🙄

MollysDolly · 13/12/2021 09:12

It's all good and well my partner saying it has to be equal when it's not her children that receive less.

But they only receive more because of the non resident parent. This isn't your partner buying them brand new iPhones.

But then you say you can do exactly that for your children. I guess it's because the lavish things for her children don't come out of your household income, where as the lavish things for your children would. She has no say in what her ex does. But I do think she is quite right in saying that the household pot of (just making up figures) £2000, should not be £600 on her children, and £1400 on yours, just so you can keep up with her exH.

Where's their mother in all this?

Popcornriver · 13/12/2021 09:13

I see the point your partner is making but it's not her children that live with others who have much more is it. And while it might be fair to keep things equal in your household, it's not really equal is it?

I'd also be annoyed at a partner deciding what I could and couldn't spend on my own children. Sorry. And if she spends more because you have, that's not your fault. The current set up isn't fair.

RevolvingPivot · 13/12/2021 09:14

@MollysDolly

It's all good and well my partner saying it has to be equal when it's not her children that receive less.

But they only receive more because of the non resident parent. This isn't your partner buying them brand new iPhones.

But then you say you can do exactly that for your children. I guess it's because the lavish things for her children don't come out of your household income, where as the lavish things for your children would. She has no say in what her ex does. But I do think she is quite right in saying that the household pot of (just making up figures) £2000, should not be £600 on her children, and £1400 on yours, just so you can keep up with her exH.

Where's their mother in all this?

I assumed both were female. Bad assumption if not sorry.
Popcornriver · 13/12/2021 09:15

I just wanted to add that's it's not always the 'fairest' thing to spend absolutely equal amounts on children. I don't! They're both different ages and need/want different things.

Tal45 · 13/12/2021 09:17

To be honest I'd be more concerned that her kids would grow up with the assumption that money grows on trees and that all these very expensive things are easy to come by as they are given out so freely. I'd worry they might grow up with a very entitled view and have a big shock when they start working. Your kids are likely to have far more realistic expectations about what they 'should' be able to afford.

Babyvenusplant · 13/12/2021 09:18

One good thing is that your two will value things more because they're not constantly getting the latest of everything without having to do anything for it

UsernameInTheTown · 13/12/2021 09:32

This is just another part of the shitty stick some kids in blended families are beaten with and one of the many reasons I would never subject DD to a step parent.

NameChangeCity123 · 13/12/2021 09:34

I can understand wanting them to be more equal but they're teenagers and I'm sure they will understand that you have different financial set ups in different situations anyway

Georgy12 · 13/12/2021 09:38

@MollysDolly

It's all good and well my partner saying it has to be equal when it's not her children that receive less.

But they only receive more because of the non resident parent. This isn't your partner buying them brand new iPhones.

But then you say you can do exactly that for your children. I guess it's because the lavish things for her children don't come out of your household income, where as the lavish things for your children would. She has no say in what her ex does. But I do think she is quite right in saying that the household pot of (just making up figures) £2000, should not be £600 on her children, and £1400 on yours, just so you can keep up with her exH.

Where's their mother in all this?

When you're a blended family it's not all the same pot though is it? Yes for practical everyday living you'd each contribute but when you have your own kids your money is for them and shouldn't be joined to a 'family pot', why should OP fund his step kids at the expense of his own when they have their own parents! Not fair to OPs kids. Where does it stop? Inheritance for example shouldn't be split 50/50 but based on what each person contributed. Out of interest OP, who's the higher earner, you or your wife because if it's you, and everything is to be split 50/50, your kids are being cheated.
JustLikea · 13/12/2021 09:46

It's just stuff they get it they're not stupid so don't worry about it

If they're upset they'll tell you but they won't be because they love you

I'd be fine with the fact that at least he's buying things I don't have to.

Swipe left for the next trending thread