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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH “joking” incredibly wearing?

190 replies

VentingNotErupting · 12/12/2021 11:47

Long story short: married 7 years, together 10. Patience wearing thin.
Conversations where I am asking for help are very tiring as they end up much like the one this morning:
Me: please could you make two cake bases using this cardboard and wrap them in foil?
Him: huffing…well, yes, but why?
Me: because I want to get on with the icing and a bit of help will mean it’s done quicker
Him: huffing…bangs cardboard about…where are the scissors…. Don’t you think it would be better…blah blah…
Me: I don’t mind how they’re made, I just would find it helpful if you could do it while I make the icing
Fast forward 20 minutes…
Him: can I go to the loo?
Me: you don’t need to ask!
Him: well you’re being bossy today
Me: I just asked for a bit of help
Him: grumbles…goes off….
Fast forward ten minutes
Him: can you put lemon in the icing?
Me: I could, though cos it’s a fruit cake I’d rather not. Do you really want it in?
Him: no, not if it’s going to be an issue
Me: I’ll put some in next time
Him: hmmmm…next time…
Me: that ok?
Him: it will have to be won’t it. You never take advice.
Me: (thinking about the million times I’ve made Xmas cakes and finally found a recipe that works) I’ll try it next time
Him: you never listen.
Me: chuckling…you’re gonna have a cake stuck somewhere if I can’t get on with this…
Him: you can’t take a joke…huffs….Xmas cakes are boring

This is just an example. Insults are disguised as jokes every sodding day. Small comments constantly. If I weary of it I’m accused of not talking a joke but every…sodding…day….gah!!!!!

OP posts:
Binglebong · 12/12/2021 12:12

He sounds a pain. My sympathy!

tallduckandhandsome · 12/12/2021 12:15

He sounds like arse. Is he like this with housework too?

ShirleyPhallus · 12/12/2021 12:15

It sounds wearing all round

To his defence, I find it really annoying if my husband is doing a job and asks me for “help” but in a quite specific way. I’d rather he just got on with it and did it exactly the way he wants and I can spend time doing things the way I want.

It sounds like it was you who made insults veiled as jokes - the second to last line about getting a cake stuck somewhere

Royalbloo · 12/12/2021 12:24

I may be going totally against the grain but that would do my head in. If you both decided to bake then fine, but if someone started doing something they wanted to do and dictating to me, I'd be off!

Like if they were doing something with the car and asked you to pass this, that or the other.

5foot5 · 12/12/2021 12:25

I am prepared to believe you about the insults disguised as jokes but don't think this particular dialogue is a good example.

For one thing, icing the cake might be your top priority today but it is not necessarily his so he might feel slightly disgruntled at being dragged in to help if he had other plans.

Also I don't think the lemon suggestion is so out there. I assume you are doing royal icing? My recipe for total icing contains lemon juice.

Actually your responses to him sound just as snippy as his to you. Sorry. Maybe you have to be there.

Theremoresefulday · 12/12/2021 12:25

I would have sorted the bases myself and not asked him because that’s part of the whole job.

5foot5 · 12/12/2021 12:26

Royal icing not total icing!

Stiffcondomhat · 12/12/2021 12:28

Agree this is a bad example. I want to be on your side but you do sound snippy.

DrManhattan · 12/12/2021 12:28

Omg I hate that ' I'm joking / I was only joking'
Imo jokes are meant to be funny. I will decide if it's a joke!!!!

Shoxfordian · 12/12/2021 12:29

Doesn’t sound as though you like each other very much

ThisIsBanana5 · 12/12/2021 12:30

Sorry but I agree with PPs, I hate it when someone decides they want to do something then gives me a task to 'help'. Just because you've decided to get the cake done, doesn't mean that's what he wants to be doing.

I mean I'm not horrible and will help if someone needs me to, asks nicely and we agree a time that works for everyone.

Unless there's a back story and you only make the cake because he insists or something.

notamilf · 12/12/2021 12:33

He probably didn't want to help with making a cake in the first place could you not possibly have done it on your own?! I would hate being ordered about in my own house

TheNewSchmoo · 12/12/2021 12:34

Unless that's a bad example, you sound awfully bossy. That conversation is very parent/child

LittleDandelionClock · 12/12/2021 12:34

@Stiffcondomhat

Agree this is a bad example. I want to be on your side but you do sound snippy.
This. I think constantly getting 'got at' and critisized by anyone is hard going, but the OP sounds like the unreasonable one here.

@VentingNotErupting this particular 'cake job' you were doing sounds like it would have been better done alone (by you.) Why bother your DH with 'helping' you with it? Confused

Sounds like he played up coz he couldn't be arsed with the faff. I'd have done the same if I had bee him tbh.

UsernameInTheTown · 12/12/2021 12:36

How old is he? 14?

Nevertime · 12/12/2021 12:38

Yes, in his shoes I'd have been ramming the cake based somewhere GrinGrinGrin See what I did there...

Aprilx · 12/12/2021 12:39

I think you sound more tiresome than he does, you speak to him like you are his mother. No need to get him involved in wrapping bases with foil in the first place, surely it is a ten second job.

gamerchick · 12/12/2021 12:40

I'd have shoved the cake where it doesn't shine Grin

He obviously doesn't want Christmas cake next year. What's the point if he's going to whinge?

Theremoresefulday · 12/12/2021 12:40

I buy a Christmas cake. This thread makes me even more glad I do.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 12/12/2021 12:41

Make him his own cake. Lots of lemon and laxatives.
Then he can spend Xmas day in the loo while you relax and enjoy your day..
Grin
I hate people who claim jokes when it's pure Twatism.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/12/2021 12:41

Shoxfordian

Doesn’t sound as though you like each other very much“

This. Both as bad as each other, too.
If you’re like this already, gawd help you both on Christmas Day.

Theremoresefulday · 12/12/2021 12:41

I would have told you to wrap the bases yourself.

Seriously this isn’t a good example.

Original poster
VentingNotErupting · 12/12/2021 12:43

Thank you for all the replies. Helpful to see it written down. We’ve both been working on “making a positive request” so it’s not a nag, a demand or anything else negative. Supposed to say what you’d like help with and what difference it would make and how it would make you feel…guess I need to keep practicing!
The cake decoration was planned, yes, and yes he’s like this with anything: doesn’t do housework, school runs or anything as he sees any job as a demand and digs his heels in. I had given up asking for any help as the response would get me down but I was advised to work on it. Working hard but “must do better”…so thanks for the pointers!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 12/12/2021 12:43

I used to hate when my DH would piss about with unnecessary DIY/gardening on a Sunday and ask for my help.
It depends on the general division of labour and if downtime etc was needed by him. Are you a 'busy-busy' person and he isn't?

TooWicked · 12/12/2021 12:46

The two of you sound exactly like my mum and dad.

45 years later they’re still together, committed to making each other’s lives as miserable as is just about tolerable, and I’m very low contact with them because of it, as the pair of them together are really fucking unpleasant to be around.