AIBU or is DH “joking” incredibly wearing?

[VentingNotErupting]

Long story short: married 7 years, together 10. Patience wearing thin.
Conversations where I am asking for help are very tiring as they end up much like the one this morning:
Me: please could you make two cake bases using this cardboard and wrap them in foil?
Him: huffing…well, yes, but why?
Me: because I want to get on with the icing and a bit of help will mean it’s done quicker
Him: huffing…bangs cardboard about…where are the scissors…. Don’t you think it would be better…blah blah…
Me: I don’t mind how they’re made, I just would find it helpful if you could do it while I make the icing
Fast forward 20 minutes…
Him: can I go to the loo?
Me: you don’t need to ask!
Him: well you’re being bossy today
Me: I just asked for a bit of help
Him: grumbles…goes off….
Fast forward ten minutes
Him: can you put lemon in the icing?
Me: I could, though cos it’s a fruit cake I’d rather not. Do you really want it in?
Him: no, not if it’s going to be an issue
Me: I’ll put some in next time
Him: hmmmm…next time…
Me: that ok?
Him: it will have to be won’t it. You never take advice.
Me: (thinking about the million times I’ve made Xmas cakes and finally found a recipe that works) I’ll try it next time
Him: you never listen.
Me: chuckling…you’re gonna have a cake stuck somewhere if I can’t get on with this…
Him: you can’t take a joke…huffs….Xmas cakes are boring

This is just an example. Insults are disguised as jokes every sodding day. Small comments constantly. If I weary of it I’m accused of not talking a joke but every…sodding…day….gah!!!!!

You haven't read the OP's other posts. Her DH doesn't do any work around the house. Not even the school runs. Nothing. And he does not work either.

Exactly, so why focus on a totally pointless task like baking a cake when the reality is that he does nothing and doesn't contribute anything?

I don’t get the responses here.

OP was making Christmas cake and needed two bases made by cutting out two pieces of cardboard and wrapped in foil.

That’s neither taxing nor as some would tell OP if she hadn’t told him how, that he needed to be explained how.

It would have taken a minimum five minutes. Why was he being so difficult and belligerent over it? And I wouldn’t change the icing once I started either. If he wants a particular flavour icing ask before it’s being made or do it yourself. I take it he’ll eat the cake when it’s ready?

@frazzledasarock

I don’t get the responses here.

OP was making Christmas cake and needed two bases made by cutting out two pieces of cardboard and wrapped in foil.

That’s neither taxing nor as some would tell OP if she hadn’t told him how, that he needed to be explained how.

It would have taken a minimum five minutes. Why was he being so difficult and belligerent over it? And I wouldn’t change the icing once I started either. If he wants a particular flavour icing ask before it’s being made or do it yourself. I take it he’ll eat the cake when it’s ready?

Because OP is the one who chose to bake the cake.

If DH decides to do a task like that, I don't want to get roped into helping him with it.

The cake issue is a red herring anyway, but in our house, if someone wants to waste time doing an unnecessary task, they don't then get to rope everyone else into their activity too.

You are trying to maintain an Adult-Adult relationship in the face of the his "Child" position. This is an unstable situation, can persist for some time at much cost in energy expended as stress, tiredness and ill-feeling.
He chooses not to step up to responsibility and expects you to look after him He has gone into Child mode and the temptation for you to be Parental can be overwhelming.

Eric Berne's wonderful book - "Transactional Analysis"

-Next you will go off him and not want to have sex, and he won't understand why. The reason why, you can tell him, is that women don't want to have sex with husbands who act like they are our children.

I’ve read the rest of the thread now and would personally make plans to LTB.

But if part of Christmas prep is baking a cake in your household, I’d fully expect a quick helping hand from DH, hardly going to take him hours of graft and back breaking labour. Unless he wants a shop bought cake and bought it himself and won’t be eating any home made Christmas cake himself.

Everyone pitches in with tasks in my house, if I’m cooking I’ll ask DH to do some prep too makes the tasks less onerous and finish faster instead of me standing slaving in the kitchen whilst DH sits around on his phone.

@icedcoffees the cake making was an agreed task. Presumably he was benefitting too.

*Because OP is the one who chose to bake the cake.

If DH decides to do a task like that, I don't want to get roped into helping him with it.

The cake issue is a red herring anyway, but in our house, if someone wants to waste time doing an unnecessary task, they don't then get to rope everyone else into their activity too.

I agree.
It's the OPs' project- christmas cakes are unecessary.
If my OH was brewing cider or making a weather vane and asked my to filter the cider or put some screws in- I would be reluctant to help.
I have enough of my own shit to do I have my own hobbies and interests, my OH has zero interest in baking, I wouldn't even ask him to cover two sheets of card in foil. That is part of the whole deal surely- the OP could have done that the day before.
He would absolutely do stuff like emptying the dishwasher, hang out laundry, change sheets, cook meals, but these are things that are needed.
Icing a cake is a recreational activity.

Well that’s quite the drip feed. He sounds absolutely awful. The cake base thing is a complete red herring when he is essentially a man of leisure who doesn’t do anything around the house

Stop thinking of this as “helping you”

I echo the other posters - what do you get out of this relationship?

@speakout

*Because OP is the one who chose to bake the cake.

If DH decides to do a task like that, I don't want to get roped into helping him with it.

The cake issue is a red herring anyway, but in our house, if someone wants to waste time doing an unnecessary task, they don't then get to rope everyone else into their activity too.

I agree.
It's the OPs' project- christmas cakes are unecessary.
If my OH was brewing cider or making a weather vane and asked my to filter the cider or put some screws in- I would be reluctant to help.
I have enough of my own shit to do I have my own hobbies and interests, my OH has zero interest in baking, I wouldn't even ask him to cover two sheets of card in foil. That is part of the whole deal surely- the OP could have done that the day before.
He would absolutely do stuff like emptying the dishwasher, hang out laundry, change sheets, cook meals, but these are things that are needed.
Icing a cake is a recreational activity.

But then why plan to make the cake with OP? OP didn’t say it was ‘her project’.

standing slaving in the kitchen

Hardly.

The OP has chosen to make a christmas cake- presumably because she enjoys baking.
The world won't fall apart without a home made christmas cake.

For those who are saying why did she ask him to help?

Don’t couples help eachother out?

[quote VentingNotErupting]**@youvegottenminuteslynn* @MMMarmite*

Those things are out because he doesn’t see the point of housework, doesn’t like the “mundane repetitiveness” of school runs and hates organising bills. I last brought up dividing housework jobs about a year ago and he was quite angry quite quickly that I was wasting time talking about it.
I have always been conscious of not being a nag so perhaps I’ve ended up being a doormat instead.
We chat about neutral things quite easily, it just gets difficult when ‘real life’ has to come into it.
Sticking up for myself is a new thing for me and I don’t let things escalate into arguments. If he says no, I’ll accept it and not grumble. If he complains he’s not involved in anything, I’ll suggest a couple of things (like decorating the sodding cake) need doing…but then it goes wrong. Sigh…I just don’t know, hence posting here. Some really good suggestions which I will apply, so thank you for those.[/quote]
He doesn't like the mundane repetitiveness of the necessary tasks of daily life? Well tough!

You're on a losing battle, wasting time trying to improve conversations about cake icing. He has shown contempt for you in his beliefs about the major aspects of home life. Time to split.

Those things are out because he doesn’t see the point of housework, doesn’t like the “mundane repetitiveness” of school runs and hates organising bills.

Well he’s going to have to do all these things without you!

No one likes doing these things, that doesn’t mean we make a doormat out of our spouses to do them instead. Can’t you see that he’s doubled your workload in order to give himself a cushty life?

Have my very first ever LTB.

Tell him to make his own fecking cake

You both sound tiresome and like you're having a mini competition to see who can be more of a martyr.

OMG @VentingNotErupting what does he bring to the relationship? Is he independently wealthy or are you carrying all the financial burdens too?

DH is the main earner, but has just stood and ironed the whole pile, stripped and made the bed and taken DC to their weekend club and that's just today!

[quote VentingNotErupting]**@youvegottenminuteslynn* @MMMarmite*

Those things are out because he doesn’t see the point of housework, doesn’t like the “mundane repetitiveness” of school runs and hates organising bills. I last brought up dividing housework jobs about a year ago and he was quite angry quite quickly that I was wasting time talking about it.
I have always been conscious of not being a nag so perhaps I’ve ended up being a doormat instead.
We chat about neutral things quite easily, it just gets difficult when ‘real life’ has to come into it.
Sticking up for myself is a new thing for me and I don’t let things escalate into arguments. If he says no, I’ll accept it and not grumble. If he complains he’s not involved in anything, I’ll suggest a couple of things (like decorating the sodding cake) need doing…but then it goes wrong. Sigh…I just don’t know, hence posting here. Some really good suggestions which I will apply, so thank you for those.[/quote]
Fuck the cake, why are you with him?

Seriously OP - what does he bring to this relationship?

He doesn’t see the point in housework?
I don’t see the point in him!

Presumably he’s not working because he’s retired early, and is bringing money into the household so your reasons not to divorce are:

• the children
• financial impact
• the years of being ground down by a bone idle piece of shit that have left you thinking it’s all your fault for not asking him properly

Just get rid. Best Xmas present to yourself ever!

The cake thing is a bad example- if I were making the cake I would do the whole thing, it's not a 2 person job.

But it sounds like YANBU at all in general. I mean... fgs it sounds like he does nothing useful whatsoever! That isn't because you're 'asking in the wrong way' - he shouldn't even bloody need asking. It's his house and his children you're talking about here. And he doesn't even work! What the hell is the point of him?

Poor man. Leave him alone. You sound difficult!
I'd hate it if DH asked me to do something I had no interest in. He asked for a lemon? Fine, just squeeze a lemon a little bit and move on!

It sounds like he's reacting to the way you are treating him.

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@icedcoffees the cake making was an agreed task. Presumably he was benefitting too.[/quote]
To me, it being an agreed/planned activity just means she set aside Sunday morning to bake a cake, and her DH knew about it. That doesn't mean DH has to be roped into it as well.

DH decided to clear out the garage this morning - I knew it was happening but that doesn't mean I'm going to join in and help him!

@Justsotirednow

For those who are saying why did she ask him to help?

Don’t couples help eachother out?

I help with necessary jobs like, I don't know, cleaning out the spare room or loading the car to go to the tip, but if someone chooses to spend their Sunday morning faffing around making a Christmas cake, that's on them, not me, and I'm not going to be roped into giving up my free time to help, lol.

Sounds like you’re married to a lazy arsehole of a man. Definitely consider getting divorced as I can’t see what he brings to this relationship that’s genuinely worthwhile.

My DH is in his late 60’s and is happy to share the mundane stuff like hanging out laundry and sorting it afterwards, doing breakfasts every morning and DS’s lunch box. I do the general cooking but DH does most of the washing up inc. cleaning the kitchen afterwards. We do food shopping together mostly and he puts it away. He tidies whilst I hoover etc. We share the fun and the mundane stuff equally.

That’s what a partnership should be about. Otherwise, what’s the point?