AIBU or is DH “joking” incredibly wearing?

[VentingNotErupting]

Long story short: married 7 years, together 10. Patience wearing thin.
Conversations where I am asking for help are very tiring as they end up much like the one this morning:
Me: please could you make two cake bases using this cardboard and wrap them in foil?
Him: huffing…well, yes, but why?
Me: because I want to get on with the icing and a bit of help will mean it’s done quicker
Him: huffing…bangs cardboard about…where are the scissors…. Don’t you think it would be better…blah blah…
Me: I don’t mind how they’re made, I just would find it helpful if you could do it while I make the icing
Fast forward 20 minutes…
Him: can I go to the loo?
Me: you don’t need to ask!
Him: well you’re being bossy today
Me: I just asked for a bit of help
Him: grumbles…goes off….
Fast forward ten minutes
Him: can you put lemon in the icing?
Me: I could, though cos it’s a fruit cake I’d rather not. Do you really want it in?
Him: no, not if it’s going to be an issue
Me: I’ll put some in next time
Him: hmmmm…next time…
Me: that ok?
Him: it will have to be won’t it. You never take advice.
Me: (thinking about the million times I’ve made Xmas cakes and finally found a recipe that works) I’ll try it next time
Him: you never listen.
Me: chuckling…you’re gonna have a cake stuck somewhere if I can’t get on with this…
Him: you can’t take a joke…huffs….Xmas cakes are boring

This is just an example. Insults are disguised as jokes every sodding day. Small comments constantly. If I weary of it I’m accused of not talking a joke but every…sodding…day….gah!!!!!

@Holothane

No I’ve not name changed and my fil knows how I’ve unhappy I’ve been over the years especially this year so of course I told I might have a chance 0f happiness, sorry I mentioned anything now. I won’t be 0n this thread again.

Please do keep this in mind in order to keep yourself safe.

I would highly recommend being single for a while after leaving your current relationship which is abusive. Otherwise you may well launch from one abusive and toxic dynamic to another one, romanticising the new one as a sort of rescuer when really you don't know him that well and certainly don't know what he's like in a relationship.

Fundamentally the issue is not how you communicate with him, it's that he sees all of these things as your job so how dare you ask him to "help", or to even talk about sharing the load.
Honestly OP, he does not want to change. I don't say this lightly, but I would get rid. What positive things does he bring to your life?

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]**@TheSpottedZebra* I don't think @Holothane* is OP, they're a different person. [/quote]
Oh gosh, my mistake, so sorry. I was totally confused there!

Holothane please do take care. I agree with what youvegottenminuteslynn posted next. You're in an abusive relationship now, and it would be horribly easy to fall into another.

Thanks one more for your replies. I know there’s more to this than the cake ( which he’s asked for which is why I was making it ) and while I wasn’t planning on looking at the big picture, I realise that this situation really is the icing on the cake. Pun definitely intended. I am a doormat, I have been trained to keep quiet and was tentatively speaking up. I see that in this and other similar incidents how I am dissuaded from asking for anything, including sharing jobs.

To answer a couple of points, he doesn’t work through choice. He’s not disabled. He has a small pension of £500 a month and I give him half the bills, which go from his account, though I cover children’s things with my wage as his leftover money is very little. The bills used to go from my account but I did put my foot down on that when he stopped working a few years ago.

I appreciate your time on this. It’s made things clearer for me. Thank you.

Well good luck with OP. I’m sorry to hear you have no voice in this relationship. Ironically you’re the one with your shit together - you’re stronger than you think.

If he chose not to work but was an ace SAHP who did everything, ok. But he’s a loser on all levels. His pension is too meagre to justify not working.

Would you not be better off on all fronts without him?

Seriously, does this guy have ANY good points? I can't work out why you are wasting your time with him

Please do think about the lessons this dynamic is teaching your kids too, OP.

It's teaching them that women are supposed to work, cook, clean, sort out all childcare and admin, while men are meant to do what they enjoy and nothing else.

It's such a damaging example for kids to grow up witnessing.

45 years later they’re still together, committed to making each other’s lives as miserable as is just about tolerable, and I’m very low contact with them because of it, as the pair of them together are really fucking unpleasant to be around.

Same. It’s exhausting. And I get “I just said to him….then he got all arsey” but we all know she didn’t “just say to him” she snipped at him and he snipped back and they bickered like kids.

Wait... so he doesn't work, and you do? And you still do all the chores (and childcare?)

He doesn't work, through choice. Those 5 words tell you everything. And you are making cakes for him, on top of doing all the housework and earning the money? I can't.....

@JanisMoplin

He doesn't work, through choice. Those 5 words tell you everything. And you are making cakes for him, on top of doing all the housework and earning the money? I can't.....

That is a VERY low bar to set in a man. That would be a dealbreaker for me. I am not a demanding woman, and I don't ask for much in a man, but he HAS to have a job/has to be working. No way would I be with a man who just lounged around not working.

And let's face it, the 'CBA to work' type of man is NEVER an asset around the home, or helpful with childcare etc; they are ALWAYS bone idle cocklodgers who don't lift a finger in the house, and sleep in til 10-11am.

Obviously if he was ill or disabled that is totally different. Like if my DH (in his mid 50s, and who has worked near enough 40 years,) had to finish work through illness or disability, that would be fine. (Or even if he had had to finish 10 years ago in his mid 40s.)

But if he had just said 'meh, can't be arsed with working anymore,' and jacked his job in, throwing us into financial strife/penury, and had just signed onto the dole, I would have been out of the back door with my suitcases, before you could say 'UB40.'

What's the point of his existence? He's draining, nasty, lazy, a waste of resources. How low is your self esteem to think you can't do better than this? Because you can. You really really can do better than this. He's a waste of space, he's not a father or a husband. Fuck that. Don't even know where to start to help you because in all honesty there is no way I would keep him around.

@VentingNotErupting how are you getting on?

Can I ask a really daft question? What should I ask for help with?! Considering basics like housework, school run, sorting the bills are out of the equation
You shouldn't be asking for help with anything - because these are not YOUR jobs. They're his responsibility too. More so than yours, as the shiftless fucker doesn't even work ...

He doesn’t work, he’s in his fifties, he likes to sit down all day.
What is the point of him?
Why are you with him?
How can you be bothered with his passivity, laziness & arrogance?

You have a cocklodger - but you have accidentally married him.
Can you repair that mistake? What is the living situation, finances etc - wouldn't life be easier without him in your house, dedicating his life to sitting down all day?

Have a look at this thread, @VentingNotErupting: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feminism/4430516-Ways-that-men-check-out-of-family-life