AIBU or is DH “joking” incredibly wearing?

[VentingNotErupting]

Long story short: married 7 years, together 10. Patience wearing thin.
Conversations where I am asking for help are very tiring as they end up much like the one this morning:
Me: please could you make two cake bases using this cardboard and wrap them in foil?
Him: huffing…well, yes, but why?
Me: because I want to get on with the icing and a bit of help will mean it’s done quicker
Him: huffing…bangs cardboard about…where are the scissors…. Don’t you think it would be better…blah blah…
Me: I don’t mind how they’re made, I just would find it helpful if you could do it while I make the icing
Fast forward 20 minutes…
Him: can I go to the loo?
Me: you don’t need to ask!
Him: well you’re being bossy today
Me: I just asked for a bit of help
Him: grumbles…goes off….
Fast forward ten minutes
Him: can you put lemon in the icing?
Me: I could, though cos it’s a fruit cake I’d rather not. Do you really want it in?
Him: no, not if it’s going to be an issue
Me: I’ll put some in next time
Him: hmmmm…next time…
Me: that ok?
Him: it will have to be won’t it. You never take advice.
Me: (thinking about the million times I’ve made Xmas cakes and finally found a recipe that works) I’ll try it next time
Him: you never listen.
Me: chuckling…you’re gonna have a cake stuck somewhere if I can’t get on with this…
Him: you can’t take a joke…huffs….Xmas cakes are boring

This is just an example. Insults are disguised as jokes every sodding day. Small comments constantly. If I weary of it I’m accused of not talking a joke but every…sodding…day….gah!!!!!

I too don't think this is a good example as really if you wanted to make Xmas cake, unless he's volunteering to help, it comes across as a bit demanding.

I can imagine however give what else you say that he sees most household and DC things as your job and has ducked out of being equally responsible with planning and involvement. It sounds like he does everything under duress when he's a parent and adult member of house too. That's the bit to tackle. He has to be responsible for jobs and thinking about jobs to be done including collecting DCs and homework etc

Is he lazy? Or does he do other equal things?

Thanks for the further replies. Can I ask a really daft question? What should I ask for help with?! Considering basics like housework, school run, sorting the bills are out of the equation, and DH says I don’t ask for help…when I do, it’s the wrong situation. Maybe I’m just really bad at relationships but I don’t know when it’s ok to ask for help and when it’s not. The cake thing seems to be a poor example, so sorry about that.
He doesn’t work, he’s in his fifties, he likes to sit down all day. That’s the situation. I work school hours and evenings. The weekends are days off for me to do the jobs that need doing. Bit sad, I guess, and genuinely looking for solutions that could help. I’ve read all the replies and will take on board everything. I’m very aware that when asking I ask in a nice voice, make it clear that he doesn’t have to but it would be helpful, and I’ve spent the last three years not asking for anything so I’m just dipping my toe in the water again and want to get it right.
Thanks all.

From the dialogue it sounds like six of one of and half a dozen of the other. Not much fun having continual arguments over such everyday stuff.

Why can't he do housework, school runs or bills?

Considering basics like housework, school run, sorting the bills are out of the equation

Why? Why can't he do his share of those things?

Stop framing it as 'asking for help' when it's a perfectly reasonable expectation for him to do his share of adulting in your shared home.

Cooking, cleaning and childcare don't require a vagina. And I'm sure his penis isn't so big it would get in the way of him equally contributing to the family.

You shouldn't be asking for help to run the household or go parent. He is an equal partner and if he isn't working, he should be doing more than half.

Hand responsibility over to him as he isn't there to "help you" he's slacking if he thinks that's all he needs to do. Let him get on with it in his own way. If he doesn't then miss him out for dinners and laundry and see how he likes things not being done!

"Thanks for the further replies. Can I ask a really daft question? What should I ask for help with?! Considering basics like housework, school run, sorting the bills are out of the equation, and DH says I don’t ask for help…when I do, it’s the wrong situation."

Given your update, my advice would be to seriously consider divorce.

Why can't he do his fair share of those things?

"

He should be doing at least half the housework, childcare and all other adult tasks eg finances.

Otherwise, what's the point of him? You're working, he's not, he's spending his life sitting on his arse and getting shitty when you ask him to do anything...

Why doesn't he think he should act like an adult?

What should I ask for help with?! Considering basics like housework, school run, sorting the bills are out of the equation, and DH says I don’t ask for help…

1. why can’t he do these things?
2. it’s not asking for help. It’s doing his fair share.

He doesn't work, but also doesn't help with housework, school runs or lifemin? What does he actually do?!

I don't get any of this- why is not working, and why does he not do 50% of the household tasks, childcare, household admin at least, if not more, if he's not working?

The issue with this one task is- if you want to make a cake, the best thing to do is crack on and do the whole thing yourself.

The main issue is he doesn't seem to have whole jobs he has responsibility for- why can't he do the household washing, or cooking, or cleaning?

It's just that fussing over doing cake bases is missing the point really, that he doesn't contribute to the household. Cake bases are the least of the issues here.

If he doesn't work & you do-why isn't he running the house?

@VentingNotErupting

Thanks for the further replies. Can I ask a really daft question? What should I ask for help with?! Considering basics like housework, school run, sorting the bills are out of the equation, and DH says I don’t ask for help…when I do, it’s the wrong situation. Maybe I’m just really bad at relationships but I don’t know when it’s ok to ask for help and when it’s not. The cake thing seems to be a poor example, so sorry about that. He doesn’t work, he’s in his fifties, he likes to sit down all day. That’s the situation. I work school hours and evenings. The weekends are days off for me to do the jobs that need doing. Bit sad, I guess, and genuinely looking for solutions that could help. I’ve read all the replies and will take on board everything. I’m very aware that when asking I ask in a nice voice, make it clear that he doesn’t have to but it would be helpful, and I’ve spent the last three years not asking for anything so I’m just dipping my toe in the water again and want to get it right. Thanks all.

A divorce.

He's a bone idle prick who has trained you to serve.

There is nothing wrong with asking him to actually do something or indeed give him a list of things to do just don’t ask him to join in with what you are doing , he can then do his own jobs at a time that suits him .

You need to get away from the idea that he's "helping" especially as it's possible you may be a bit of a control freak (?).

For the routine housework tasks you need his n hers jobs and provided he does them you don't get to tell him how or when. E.g. DH was responsible for all laundry and ironing. I didn't check he'd done it or expect it done my way, but if DC hadn't got a clean shirt, that was very much his problem.

He needs actual responsibility for his share of the tasks, not to help you here and there.

@youvegottenminuteslynn @MMMarmite

Those things are out because he doesn’t see the point of housework, doesn’t like the “mundane repetitiveness” of school runs and hates organising bills. I last brought up dividing housework jobs about a year ago and he was quite angry quite quickly that I was wasting time talking about it.
I have always been conscious of not being a nag so perhaps I’ve ended up being a doormat instead.
We chat about neutral things quite easily, it just gets difficult when ‘real life’ has to come into it.
Sticking up for myself is a new thing for me and I don’t let things escalate into arguments. If he says no, I’ll accept it and not grumble. If he complains he’s not involved in anything, I’ll suggest a couple of things (like decorating the sodding cake) need doing…but then it goes wrong. Sigh…I just don’t know, hence posting here. Some really good suggestions which I will apply, so thank you for those.

Ok, so maybe laundry is a good place to start. Presumably he does see the point of having clean clothes ?

Can I ask a question - what's the point in him? What does he bring to your life?

He doesn't work.
He doesn't do housework.
He won't pay bills.
He won't do the school run.

Why are you with him? Honestly?

Well initially I felt a bit sorry for him that he’d been roped into doing a job he didn’t want to do. But after reading your updates where he doesn’t work and basically does NOTHING I’d actually just throw the fucking cake at him. Total waste of space! Divorce.

OP I'm interested in this, and all the responses, as I am in a similar situation and also been married many years like some posters' parents. Sadly I see myself in a lot of these scenarios but that's another thread entirely.

So with that colouring my view, I suppose you would have been better off posting in relationships as this isn't really an AIBU; there's a general problem by the sounds of it - is that right? Intriguing to see those defending him and saying if you want anything done you should do it all yourself. If I had never asked my H to "help" (i.e. share the load) he would have happily never lifted a finger.

Funny though, I reckon if your H was making a cake and asked you to help, and you posted "OMG DH has asked me to help making a pointless cake why can't we just buy one" you'd have your arse handed to you on the tin foil covered cake base.

Why doesn't he work op?

That said, if he can't see the point of the mundane repetitiveness of taking his own children to school it does sound like you might all be better off without him.

Actually, putting the work thing aside, do you really want to be married to him? He sounds absolutely bloody awful.

Oh OP this is awful, you're letting him do fuck all because he doesn't enjoy mundane tasks? Do you leap out of bed excited to Hoover? Quiver at the knees at the thought of paying bills? Positively swoon at the opportunity to do another school run as well as working full time?

Adulting includes boring stuff, he needs to get over it and you need to stop being a doormat.

You have kids? They're learning that women should work, do cooking cleaning and childcare and be responsible for managing men's moods. And that men can do what they like and if they don't want to, they can tell a woman to stop 'nagging' them and the conversation is over.

Is that a relationship model you're comfortable with them replicating as adults?

He doesn't see the point in housework? So stop doing it for a week.

Poor baby doesn't like the repetitiveness of school run? Noone likes it but it's parental responsibility to get them there and back.

He sounds like a miserable arsehole tbh. I'd stop tryig, emotionally disengage and stop doing anything for him. Then I'd start seperation and divorce proceedings.