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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH “joking” incredibly wearing?

190 replies

VentingNotErupting · 12/12/2021 11:47

Long story short: married 7 years, together 10. Patience wearing thin.
Conversations where I am asking for help are very tiring as they end up much like the one this morning:
Me: please could you make two cake bases using this cardboard and wrap them in foil?
Him: huffing…well, yes, but why?
Me: because I want to get on with the icing and a bit of help will mean it’s done quicker
Him: huffing…bangs cardboard about…where are the scissors…. Don’t you think it would be better…blah blah…
Me: I don’t mind how they’re made, I just would find it helpful if you could do it while I make the icing
Fast forward 20 minutes…
Him: can I go to the loo?
Me: you don’t need to ask!
Him: well you’re being bossy today
Me: I just asked for a bit of help
Him: grumbles…goes off….
Fast forward ten minutes
Him: can you put lemon in the icing?
Me: I could, though cos it’s a fruit cake I’d rather not. Do you really want it in?
Him: no, not if it’s going to be an issue
Me: I’ll put some in next time
Him: hmmmm…next time…
Me: that ok?
Him: it will have to be won’t it. You never take advice.
Me: (thinking about the million times I’ve made Xmas cakes and finally found a recipe that works) I’ll try it next time
Him: you never listen.
Me: chuckling…you’re gonna have a cake stuck somewhere if I can’t get on with this…
Him: you can’t take a joke…huffs….Xmas cakes are boring

This is just an example. Insults are disguised as jokes every sodding day. Small comments constantly. If I weary of it I’m accused of not talking a joke but every…sodding…day….gah!!!!!

OP posts:
Ellen888 · 12/12/2021 13:42

@NowEvenBetter

He doesn’t do housework? What, exactly, is the point of him? He’s a parasite and you despise each other.
I was wondering that Confused
Dillydollydingdong · 12/12/2021 13:45

If you choose to spend your time making a cake, it doesn't mean that dh does! Buy a sodding cake next year.

LostForIdeas · 12/12/2021 13:46

Oh fuck that idea that you should never ask for help!!

Your DH does fuck all. He doesn’t ask for help with his ironing, cooking, cleaning. Nope. He demands and expects it the way he wants wo having to even ask for it.
If the OP is t supposed to ask for any help at all, not even making the base in cardboard for a cake he will eat, then why on Earth is she still cooking, cleaning, washing etc… for him???

I really hate it when people say it’s not ok to ask for help.

For one, anyone should be able to ask for help from their own partner. That’s the whole point of having a partner!! So according to those people, you have an off day. Nope can’t ask for help. You should be able to do it all on your own. Aren’t you an independent woman?? It’s so damaging!

But also when women, like the OP, start asking fir help it’s usually because in the other side you have a lazy arse who doesn’t do anything at all. And they’d like then to actually do SOMETHING for a change.

FlowerFlour · 12/12/2021 13:46

Your original post was a bad example and made it sound like you were micromanaging him to help you with an unnecessary project. From your later posts it's clear that he's a lazy sack of shit in general, you should probably have opened with that.

If he doesn't work he should be doing more than 50% of the household jobs, off his own bat, with no help or reminders for you. He's an adult man who needs to contribute labour to the smooth running of the household. If he doesn't want that he can move out and find another servant to run around after him. Your life will be easier without him.

speakout · 12/12/2021 13:48

I wouldn;t think to ask my OH to make a foil covered base for a cake - why don't just do it yourself?
My OH does have a tendency not to do housework, but he knows that if he stops doing a fair share then I stop doing anything to facilitate him too.
Works out fine.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2021 13:48

@icedcoffees

Can I ask a question - what's the point in him? What does he bring to your life?

He doesn't work.
He doesn't do housework.
He won't pay bills.
He won't do the school run.

Why are you with him? Honestly?

That's exactly what I was wondering. Sad
LostForIdeas · 12/12/2021 13:49

@VentingNotErupting you stop asking for help.

He is NOT helping when he is doing some house work. He is nit helping when doing the school run. He is nit helping by preparing the base of the Christmas cake. He is only participating in the daily life of running a house.

At he is not working, he is nit doing anything in the house. He is basically expecting to be Waite din like a king.
Fuck that. You need to find your voice.
And tbh you might also need to find your backbone and be ready to Chuck him out of the house. Because atm he gets away with dong nothing ‘because it’s your fault and you are nagging me’ whilst you do it all.

LostForIdeas · 12/12/2021 13:50

I wouldn;t think to ask my OH to make a foil covered base for a cake - why don't just do it yourself?

@speakout could you elaborate why it’s not ok fir the OP’s to ask her DH to do a simple thing like this?
Why does she have to do it all on her own?
Why is it not ok to ask for help?
Why is there a need for a REASON to ask for help? (Which implies too that the reason has to be good enough)

Arrivederla · 12/12/2021 13:51

Honestly op, you sound like you are constantly second guessing yourself around this nonsense! Tell him to fuck off and get a job!

Sorry, I know that's not helpful but really!! Angry

slashlover · 12/12/2021 13:51

Those things are out because he doesn’t see the point of housework, doesn’t like the “mundane repetitiveness” of school runs and hates organising bills. I last brought up dividing housework jobs about a year ago and he was quite angry quite quickly that I was wasting time talking about it.

If he doesn't see the point then he wont mind if his laundry isn't done or no cooking is done for him. He'll be perfectly fine if his dishes aren't washed.

DixieSun · 12/12/2021 13:51

He sounds like a total prick. No wonder you're not happy

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 12/12/2021 13:53

Honestly, I read the first post and thought "just buy a couple of cake boards!". I'd be nervous covering one in tinfoil in case it wasn't smooth enough/I ripped it.

Reading later on, he sounds useless around the house. I think he really needs jobs that are his and you just don't do — unloading the dishwasher maybe? Making your bed?

JanisMoplin · 12/12/2021 13:54

This is terrible. The cake and "joking" is a red herring. If he isn't working, he should at least do the school runs and half of the housework. If he has taken early retirement, I am sure he is still capable of doing that. They are his DC!

If I were you, I would stop cooking for him, doing his laundry or doing anything for him. I would also get a cleaner if I could afford one.

icedcoffees · 12/12/2021 13:54

@LostForIdeas

Oh fuck that idea that you should never ask for help!!

Your DH does fuck all. He doesn’t ask for help with his ironing, cooking, cleaning. Nope. He demands and expects it the way he wants wo having to even ask for it.
If the OP is t supposed to ask for any help at all, not even making the base in cardboard for a cake he will eat, then why on Earth is she still cooking, cleaning, washing etc… for him???

I really hate it when people say it’s not ok to ask for help.

For one, anyone should be able to ask for help from their own partner. That’s the whole point of having a partner!! So according to those people, you have an off day. Nope can’t ask for help. You should be able to do it all on your own. Aren’t you an independent woman?? It’s so damaging!

But also when women, like the OP, start asking fir help it’s usually because in the other side you have a lazy arse who doesn’t do anything at all. And they’d like then to actually do SOMETHING for a change.

You seem to have totally missed the point posters are trying to make, which is that if you choose to spend your Sunday morning doing a totally unnecessary task like baking (when you could easily buy a cake) then that's your choice and you shouldn't be roping other people into joining in with your activities.

If OP is so overwhelmed with everything because her DH is useless, the solution is to go to counselling (or get a divorce), not bake a Christmas cake and complain that he doesn't want to cut out some cardboard circles.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 12/12/2021 13:55

Ffs what joy does he bring to your life. You're married to the lodger the pain in the arse lodger who does feck all

GetOffTheTableMabel · 12/12/2021 13:58

If you divorced him, he would need to do 100% of the household tasks in his own accommodation, pay 100% of the bills pertaining to it and do 50% of the school runs when taking care of his kids 50% of the time.
Meanwhile, you could have some time to yourself and wouldn’t have to micromanage your own tone of voice just trying to get another adult to be an adult.
I hope he’s dynamite in bed because, otherwise, I’m failing to see how he adds to your life.

CandyLeBonBon · 12/12/2021 13:59

[quote VentingNotErupting]**@youvegottenminuteslynn* @MMMarmite*

Those things are out because he doesn’t see the point of housework, doesn’t like the “mundane repetitiveness” of school runs and hates organising bills. I last brought up dividing housework jobs about a year ago and he was quite angry quite quickly that I was wasting time talking about it.
I have always been conscious of not being a nag so perhaps I’ve ended up being a doormat instead.
We chat about neutral things quite easily, it just gets difficult when ‘real life’ has to come into it.
Sticking up for myself is a new thing for me and I don’t let things escalate into arguments. If he says no, I’ll accept it and not grumble. If he complains he’s not involved in anything, I’ll suggest a couple of things (like decorating the sodding cake) need doing…but then it goes wrong. Sigh…I just don’t know, hence posting here. Some really good suggestions which I will apply, so thank you for those.[/quote]
He sounds awful and you sound utterly downtrodden. Life is too short to live like this.

Loubilou09 · 12/12/2021 13:59

Christ I can't imagine in what hemisphere I would ask my husband for help with a Christmas Cake that I had decided I wanted to bake.

Never in a million years would I get or expect any help, I am astounded he is so compliant! Shock

tallduckandhandsome · 12/12/2021 14:01

yes, and yes he’s like this with anything: doesn’t do housework, school runs or anything as he sees any job as a demand and digs his heels in.

He doesn’t work, he’s in his fifties, he likes to sit down all day.

What is even the point of him?

For a start, stop doing anything for the lazy dickhead. No meals, no washing, no tidying, no paperwork.

And then make a plan to leave as he will never change.

tallduckandhandsome · 12/12/2021 14:01

@Loubilou09

Christ I can't imagine in what hemisphere I would ask my husband for help with a Christmas Cake that I had decided I wanted to bake.

Never in a million years would I get or expect any help, I am astounded he is so compliant! Shock

RTFT FFS
JanisMoplin · 12/12/2021 14:01

@Loubilou09

Christ I can't imagine in what hemisphere I would ask my husband for help with a Christmas Cake that I had decided I wanted to bake.

Never in a million years would I get or expect any help, I am astounded he is so compliant! Shock

You haven't read the OP's other posts. Her DH doesn't do any work around the house. Not even the school runs. Nothing. And he does not work either.
CandyLeBonBon · 12/12/2021 14:01

@Loubilou09

Christ I can't imagine in what hemisphere I would ask my husband for help with a Christmas Cake that I had decided I wanted to bake.

Never in a million years would I get or expect any help, I am astounded he is so compliant! Shock

Was this meant ironically?
PinkSyCo · 12/12/2021 14:02

I was going to say maybe he just wasn’t in the mood for making cake at the time you snapped your fingers, but reading on it’s not about the cake is it and that is the last thing I would be complaining about in your shoes. Confused

reasysteady · 12/12/2021 14:02

Honestly?

I would consider divorce a priority of 2022.

You've got potentially another 30 years of this.

I can't imagine there's a positive single thing he brings to the table apart from take in parcels I guess? (He probably doesn't even fucking do that!)

Thatsplentyjack · 12/12/2021 14:03

This is a bad example because if my dp decided to make a cake and them started asking me to do things to help but wouldn't alter any decision to do with the cake to suit me, I would tell him to do it himself then. It does seem you treat him like a child but then goi g by your description of what he is like the rest of the time, I can see why you might default into talking to him like a child since he acts like one.

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