AIBU or is DH “joking” incredibly wearing?

[VentingNotErupting]

Long story short: married 7 years, together 10. Patience wearing thin.
Conversations where I am asking for help are very tiring as they end up much like the one this morning:
Me: please could you make two cake bases using this cardboard and wrap them in foil?
Him: huffing…well, yes, but why?
Me: because I want to get on with the icing and a bit of help will mean it’s done quicker
Him: huffing…bangs cardboard about…where are the scissors…. Don’t you think it would be better…blah blah…
Me: I don’t mind how they’re made, I just would find it helpful if you could do it while I make the icing
Fast forward 20 minutes…
Him: can I go to the loo?
Me: you don’t need to ask!
Him: well you’re being bossy today
Me: I just asked for a bit of help
Him: grumbles…goes off….
Fast forward ten minutes
Him: can you put lemon in the icing?
Me: I could, though cos it’s a fruit cake I’d rather not. Do you really want it in?
Him: no, not if it’s going to be an issue
Me: I’ll put some in next time
Him: hmmmm…next time…
Me: that ok?
Him: it will have to be won’t it. You never take advice.
Me: (thinking about the million times I’ve made Xmas cakes and finally found a recipe that works) I’ll try it next time
Him: you never listen.
Me: chuckling…you’re gonna have a cake stuck somewhere if I can’t get on with this…
Him: you can’t take a joke…huffs….Xmas cakes are boring

This is just an example. Insults are disguised as jokes every sodding day. Small comments constantly. If I weary of it I’m accused of not talking a joke but every…sodding…day….gah!!!!!

@Theremoresefulday

I buy a Christmas cake. This thread makes me even more glad I do.

This. ^ In spades. Who makes their own Christmas cake these days anyway? It's not the 1970s. It soooo much easier and more convenient to just buy one. And bloody cheaper too...

Making one is way much more effort than I could be arsed with to be honest. Aldi, M & S, Morrisons, Sainsburys, and Waitrose all do lovely Christmas cakes for much less than you can make one for.

X post, the issue is when the men see the running of the house as the woman's work. If they just pitched in then you wouldn't have to ask. I'd want big changes. Even if you set out what needs doing for the day, it's still mostly on you.
Has a counselor come up with this 'no demand' policy? It very often doesn't work.

Who is it that wants a homemade Christmas cake?

There's a very obvious way to remove this particular stress. Either buy one or the person who feels strongly there should be a homemade one gets on and does it.

My late DH was very hands on and really did share the load. He'd had have had no interest in helping with the Christmas cake, a task he would have seen as completely pointless

He doesn’t do housework? What, exactly, is the point of him? He’s a parasite and you despise each other.

My dad would do this to my Mother. He wore her down in the end and after 27years, filed for a divorce. It broke her.

He sounds like a child

*she filed for a divorce

@TooWicked they sound like my mother and her current husband, too! Brutal being made to grow up with the two of them, endless drama-flouncing, hissed insults, digs, sighs, every word dripping with contempt and passive aggressive layers, walking on eggshells.
I barely ever see them now, it’s bliss. Feel obligated to see them on Xmas day for half an hour and already can’t wait to get away from that tense, hell house. Reap what you sow.

How long did it take to cut out two cardboard circles and cover with foil that he needs a toilet break halfway through?

Does he eek out everything you ask so that it is less painful to just do it yourself?

Oppositional behaviour personality disorder is a thing.

I would find this exhausting and unsustainable long term. You are being forced into the role of mother not equal or wife and that is also not sustainable.

@NowEvenBetter same, I’m already tense about having to see them over Christmas and planning to get it out of the way on Christmas Eve or even the day before that instead, so I can actually enjoy my Christmas Day without having to spend even a minute listening to their passive aggressive sniping at each other!

I have to be honest, it really drives me mad when DH takes it upon himself to do something and then doesn't let me relax as he insists on asking my "help" every few minutes.

If you want to make a Christmas cake, then that should be your activity and it shouldn't be something your DH is dragged into IMO. It's not like it's a necessary job - you could always just buy one.

I do see that if he does this with necessary activities it would be annoying, but I really don't think this is a good example. When DH starts fannying around with unnecessary Sunday jobs, I have to say I tend to ignore his "requests" for help.

I get really, really annoyed when my DH makes up busy work on weekends and then asks for my help in specific ways. If you are so busy with housework etc that you couldn’t make a cake stand in advance then there is no need to be baking cakes at home.

i never asked either of my husbands to do anything because it was like this 24/7.
I just divorced them instead.
No tedious childish comments these days.
My 40 year old son would have made the whole cake and the base with no arguments.

I thought the asking if he could go to the loo was quite funny!

Op if you want to bake, bake- but why drag others into it?

It's the whole 'mental load' thing, isn't it?

Are you always asking him to 'help' with stuff? Why can't he take the initiative? It doesn't sound like much of a partnership otherwise.

Sadly this is often the case with marriages and parenting but he needs to buck up and do things without being asked or (urgh) 'nagged'.

If not then he is a useless twat.

OP you say you are working on asking for help, but honestly do you not see that it’s unreasonable to ask for help in something that’s an entirely unnecessary activity and that you’ve voluntarily chosen to do? You chose to make a Christmas cake - I presume because you like baking - in which case it’s completely unreasonable to then drag your DH into it (and on a Sunday) and give him “chores”. If you don’t enjoy baking, then buy a cake like the rest of us.

Never a good idea to give examples like the OP, as you can see, it just descends into wittering about cake, missing the point of the shit bloke you married.

@Gargellen

Oppositional behaviour personality disorder is a thing.

I would find this exhausting and unsustainable long term. You are being forced into the role of mother not equal or wife and that is also not sustainable.

Is it? I’ve worked in mental health for thirty years and done a lot of work with people with personality disorders and never heard of it.

Are you thinking of ODD? Which is also still pretty controversial.

For what it’s worth OP, in this instance you sound like hard work and like it’s you making insults veiled as jokes.

Divorce.
Just divorce the asshole.

He obviously doesn't love you and why care anyway 'cos why would you invest any more of your life in this anus?
I'd be serving him divorce papers on 2 Jan.

It's the whole 'mental load' thing, isn't it?

Are you always asking him to 'help' with stuff? Why can't he take the initiative? It doesn't sound like much of a partnership otherwise.

But the example OP used is not a necessary task in the slightest, and as you can see, it causes the thread to descend into debates about buying Christmas cakes.

I suspect if a poster came on here and posted that their husband decided, unprompted to make an elaborate Sunday roast but kept asking for help, everyone would be on their side and say "He chose to do it, he can sort it".

Of course, if OP's partner is useless with everything, that is a problem but getting people to pick apart a minor argument over Christmas cake isn't helpful int the slightest.

The cake decoration was planned, yes, and yes he’s like this with anything: doesn’t do housework, school runs or anything as he sees any job as a demand and digs his heels in. I had given up asking for any help as the response would get me down

He refuses to do anything at all?

And people are having a dig at you? sometimes I wonder if people actually read a thread or just follow the first mean comment gleefully. Sad.

What's the point of him I'm wondering.

Is the "making a positive request" thing from couples counselling? Are you both on board with it?

@gamerchick

The cake decoration was planned, yes, and yes he’s like this with anything: doesn’t do housework, school runs or anything as he sees any job as a demand and digs his heels in. I had given up asking for any help as the response would get me down

He refuses to do anything at all?

And people are having a dig at you? sometimes I wonder if people actually read a thread or just follow the first mean comment gleefully. Sad.

What's the point of him I'm wondering.

The OP posted a conversation, people commented on it as that was all there was to comment on..

Only after it didn’t go OP’s way did she go on to post about some general unhelpfulness.

I don’t blame your husband , I really hate it when someone decides to do a job and then wants ‘help’ - if you want to do it the do it yourself.