AIBU or is DH “joking” incredibly wearing?

[VentingNotErupting]

Long story short: married 7 years, together 10. Patience wearing thin.
Conversations where I am asking for help are very tiring as they end up much like the one this morning:
Me: please could you make two cake bases using this cardboard and wrap them in foil?
Him: huffing…well, yes, but why?
Me: because I want to get on with the icing and a bit of help will mean it’s done quicker
Him: huffing…bangs cardboard about…where are the scissors…. Don’t you think it would be better…blah blah…
Me: I don’t mind how they’re made, I just would find it helpful if you could do it while I make the icing
Fast forward 20 minutes…
Him: can I go to the loo?
Me: you don’t need to ask!
Him: well you’re being bossy today
Me: I just asked for a bit of help
Him: grumbles…goes off….
Fast forward ten minutes
Him: can you put lemon in the icing?
Me: I could, though cos it’s a fruit cake I’d rather not. Do you really want it in?
Him: no, not if it’s going to be an issue
Me: I’ll put some in next time
Him: hmmmm…next time…
Me: that ok?
Him: it will have to be won’t it. You never take advice.
Me: (thinking about the million times I’ve made Xmas cakes and finally found a recipe that works) I’ll try it next time
Him: you never listen.
Me: chuckling…you’re gonna have a cake stuck somewhere if I can’t get on with this…
Him: you can’t take a joke…huffs….Xmas cakes are boring

This is just an example. Insults are disguised as jokes every sodding day. Small comments constantly. If I weary of it I’m accused of not talking a joke but every…sodding…day….gah!!!!!

@Holothane

Don’t worry I’m leaving next year he does know yet. It being arranged new fella adores me that’s all I can say at the moment.

So you’re having an affair?

I've been with my dh the same length of time as you and would not stand for the way he is treating you. He doesn't work yet can't do school runs or housework. Unless disabled he needs to get a grip and a kick up the arse. How does he enrich your life because if he doesn't then it is time to ltb.

I do sometimes tell my dh to do stuff rather than ask and don't always say please. In some peoples eyes that might make me seem controlling. I'm not far from it infact but we have 3 kids he works full time and I part time. There is a lot of shit to get done and whilst I would love to get a cleaner in once a week dh wouldn't so we both need to do house stuff. He apparently doesn't see what needs done but it's the same every week so I do point it out and not always politely. My reasoning is that of he just saw what needs doing and did it I wouldn't need to tell him. He is working on not being so empty headed and me on being aware of how I phrase things.

@VentingNotErupting

Thank you for all the replies. Helpful to see it written down. We’ve both been working on “making a positive request” so it’s not a nag, a demand or anything else negative. Supposed to say what you’d like help with and what difference it would make and how it would make you feel…guess I need to keep practicing! The cake decoration was planned, yes, and yes he’s like this with anything: doesn’t do housework, school runs or anything as he sees any job as a demand and digs his heels in. I had given up asking for any help as the response would get me down but I was advised to work on it. Working hard but “must do better”…so thanks for the pointers!

What DOES he do that contributes to family life? He sounds like a tit.

He sounds absolutely pointless...just a lazy pointless loser.
I would be divorcing his lazy arse.

Do you have children? You talk about the school run so I suppose so. How is DH with the kid(s)? If you go out on a Saturday does he or the kids eat or go without. Can you force the issue at times? Just go out or away? Cook for yourself but not him? Tell him you’ll cook if he washes up and puts away or he doesn’t get dinner. Say you aren’t able to pick up the kid(s) today, would he go?

Are you sure there is nothing he does? My DH will sort all the car details or things needing to be fixed. It isn’t always as noticeable as the every day things.

I like @Santahatesbraisedcabbage’s idea. lots of lemon and laxatives for him.

He doesn’t work, he’s in his fifties, he likes to sit down all day. That’s the situation. I work school hours and evenings.

Sounds like a clasic case of cocklodging.

@Ourlady

He sounds absolutely pointless...just a lazy pointless loser. I would be divorcing his lazy arse.

This! What's the point of him? How does he add to your life? Sounds like he just creates work and annoys you...

Let me guess - he's been diagnosed (internet or otherwise) with ADHD/ASD.

So it's been framed as you being unreasonable because the pawr ickle baby boy can't possibly be a bone idle leech who despises you and all you stand for (being female, being a parent, being an employee, being an adult) and you're daring to expect that he does anything as he has deemed himself Too Special to trouble his butterfly like head with. Like being a good use of oxygen and space. Looking after children. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, working, keeping other people alive, well and safe.

Seriously, it sounds as though you're trying to deal with a six year old in a pushing sixty body who hates his Mummy for saying he needs to put his shoes on because it's time for school. Just with a somewhat creepy aside that he also has fucked his Mummy figure a few times.

Just divorce him. It'll be far better for you and the children in the long run. And he'll be fine. He'll get somebody else to protect him from the rigours of being nearly seven.

Dh and I are both in our fifties and yes, we too "would like to sit down all day." Sadly, we can't. :)

People still talking about the cake … 🤦‍♀️

Massive drop feed. Initially I was in sympathy with your DH but now it is clear he is just a lazy, work shy arsehole who gets out of doing anything by throwing a big hissy fit if asked.

But OP why on earth did you start the thread with done meaningless spat about a cake when you clearly have bigger issues

@VentingNotErupting Why the heck would you live like this? What sort of example are you setting for your children? Do you want your daughters to be doormats to their partners and your sons to be lazy and useless? That's exactly what they are seeing day in and day out! Don't you think you deserve better?

@Theremoresefulday @TheSpottedZebra no that’s a different poster.

I did Read the Fucking Thread - the fucking thread that the fucking OP wrote.

She decided to drip feed later and give another story but I am not sure why I should sit and read through all that - I was answering her first post, you know the one where she asked a question!

He is a completely pointless lazy - cocklodging? - twat and you should divorce him.

Nobody loves the mindless repetitive things that adults have to do to keep our houses clean and our kids fed, but we do them because we're adults!

He sounds awful, op.

@Loubilou09

I did Read the Fucking Thread - the fucking thread that the fucking OP wrote.

She decided to drip feed later and give another story but I am not sure why I should sit and read through all that - I was answering her first post, you know the one where she asked a question!

There is a See All function for the OP posts and quite often people who post about seemingly trivial things will go on to say about the bigger issues. Especially if it's going into several pages with more than one reply by the OP.

It's a bit like when people go to the GP and spend all the time talking about one thing before asking about the big thing.

We met online and let me say this try having the last few years I’ve had before you judge, we’ll meet next year, to discuss things and yes my fil knows and doesn’t blame me and that’s his son he’s on about. Dh not the other bloke. He’s seen me broke emotionally and physically by his son.

Not beating but just worn out, so no I’m not feeling guilty I did at first but no sex hardly even in the early days you’ve seen the names, wasting money thousands

Honestly it sounds like your relationship has run it’s course. At would you be losing if you were on your own?

@Holothane

We met online and let me say this try having the last few years I’ve had before you judge, we’ll meet next year, to discuss things and yes my fil knows and doesn’t blame me and that’s his son he’s on about. Dh not the other bloke. He’s seen me broke emotionally and physically by his son.

I would highly recommend being single for a while after leaving your current relationship which is abusive. Otherwise you may well launch from one abusive and toxic dynamic to another one, romanticising the new one as a sort of rescuer when really you don't know him that well and certainly don't know what he's like in a relationship. Just my thoughts.

@Holothane

We met online and let me say this try having the last few years I’ve had before you judge, we’ll meet next year, to discuss things and yes my fil knows and doesn’t blame me and that’s his son he’s on about. Dh not the other bloke. He’s seen me broke emotionally and physically by his son.

Huh?

You've name changed, but your FiL knows you're cheating on his son, with someone youve not met?

Why would you tell your FIL ?

@TheSpottedZebra I don't think @Holothane is OP, they're a different person.

No I’ve not name changed and my fil knows how I’ve unhappy I’ve been over the years especially this year so of course I told I might have a chance 0f happiness, sorry I mentioned anything now. I won’t be 0n this thread again.