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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Divorcing 4 months after language - relationship 10 months altogether

179 replies

larrydavidisagenious · 11/12/2021 20:27

I met my partner through work just over 10 months ago, we really hit it off and it was very intense. I'd never felt this way about anyone so fast and as ridiculous as it sounds I thought I'd met my 'soul mate' and he felt the same. Everything just fit, we had the same values and beliefs, he made me laugh, I felt comfortable around him almost immediately, the sex was great, I just felt blissfully happy.

However things did move quickly which I was thrilled about at the start. He proposed after we'd been together 3 months. We just wanted a small wedding so we planned it for 3 months after. I think part of it was worry that Covid would make it impossible as things were changing all the time and we really wanted to get married.

My family and friends had concerns we were rushing in as did his family. We were told many times there wasn't any rush and I was constantly asked by my mum if I was sure. She liked him but it just seemed awful fast but I was positive.

Had a lovely day and about a month of pure bliss afterwards. But the past 3 months have been horrendous. He's not how he was the first 6 months, he's lazy, he's moody, I feel like things are awkward and we have nothing to talk about. I have a constant pit in my stomach that I can't get rid of. To make matters worse he seems unaware of these issues so I feel guilty as he seems happy but I'm just not, I don't want to even kiss him and tense up. When he comes in from work my stomach drops. I just feel like I'm living with a stranger and am screaming internally what the fuck did you do!?

I can't speak to anyone in real life either as I'm embarrassed as I had so many opportunities to pull out but at the time I felt genuinely happy and as if I was making the right choice so I didn't want to pull out.

It really is as if as soon as we married a flip switched and I don't know if he's the problem or I am.

I don't want to do counselling, I don't want to try and talk to him, I don't want to try and make this work. I want rid of this constant knot in my stomach, and the only way I can think of is to break up (I can barely even say divorce or separate as it sounds so ridiculous as this is a man I barely know). I feel like I'm living with a total stranger.

If this was your daughter would you be really disappointed in her? I know my parents and friends will support me but have I disappointed them? Will I be a laughing stock? Do I just hold my hands up and admit I made a mistake?

OP posts:
larrydavidisagenious · 11/12/2021 20:27

I'm 32 and he's 36 if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Cheerbear24 · 11/12/2021 20:35

If it was my DD I would be more upset if she stayed with a DH she realised she regretted marrying so that she didn’t disappoint me.

larrydavidisagenious · 11/12/2021 20:35

Sorry title should say 4 months after marrying not language obviously.

OP posts:
Capricopia · 11/12/2021 20:36

I think your friends and family would be much more disappointed if you stayed with someone you aren’t happy with because you’re worried about what rush would think.

Divorce exists for a reason. You would be mad to stay in this relationship. Free yourself!

AlmostAlwyn · 11/12/2021 20:40

If it was my daughter, I'd be proud of her having the strength to admit that she made a mistake. If your family had reservations before, I'm sure they'll only be relieved that you're not stuck in a marriage you don't want.

Be brave and know your family and friends will have your back Flowers

Cocomarine · 11/12/2021 20:48

I would welcome you back with open arms, and one day - one distant day - we’d laugh and say “what the fuck happened there?”

Call your mum tomorrow. You need a mum hug.

beastlyslumber · 11/12/2021 20:50

Everyone makes mistakes. Tell your friends and family and leave him ASAP.

Steelesauce · 11/12/2021 20:55

Easier to split now then be miserable for a few more years just to save face. Its a huge red flag to dive head first into a relationship then change quickly after marriage so you are probably saving yourself a lot of future heartache.

Yes you may get the odd comment and most certainly will get the 'i knew she was making a mistake' behind your back but your happiness is paramount. And learn from your mistake!

A580Hojas · 11/12/2021 20:55

People do split after very short marriages. I know someone. She never regretted it (the divorce).

SnarkyBag · 11/12/2021 20:55

I think being married is a bit of a red herring here. Essentially you want to end a 10 month old relationship that hasn’t worked out. That’s perfectly normal for people realise after 10 months they’re not suite it’s just slightly more red tape to deal with as you’re married.
I’d be more sad if my daughter stayed unhappy longer than she needed to

MoiraNotRuby · 11/12/2021 20:57

Do it OP. I would hate to think of a friend of mine staying married out of embarrassment.

PermanentTemporary · 11/12/2021 20:58

These things happen. Don't stay in this relationship out of embarrassment, I beg you. I stayed married to my first husband for 4 years because it was so hard to admit I'd rushed into a ridiculously wrong situation. You're not perfect, you made a decision which turned out to be wrong. Meh. We have divorce in this country, it's ok.

Ohpulltheotherone · 11/12/2021 21:00

Look you went for something, it was a gamble and it hasn’t worked out the way you wanted it to. You took a chance and went for it, you can’t be ashamed or sorry for that.
But you know it’s not right for you, the best thing you can do accept it’s not worked out and be honest with everyone,
Hold your hands up, own the mistake and move on.
Honestly no one would want you to stay where you are so miserable.
My marriage broke down after a year - we’d be together for ages before it. Shit happens. You’ll be fine!

Jessie75 · 11/12/2021 21:01

I stayed married to an absolute prick for 10 years that I knew on my wedding day wasn’t the one for me and ended up having children with him, for God sake bail now quickly before something happens and you end up stuck with a bugger for life.

GoodVibesHere · 11/12/2021 21:02

If you were my daughter, all I would want in the world would be for you to be happy.

I would be really proud of you for putting your hands up and admitting a mistake. To be honest it's not even a 'mistake' as such, it's just a chapter of your life which didn't go to plan, and you should forgive yourself and move on to the next chapter. Life is too short to spend it unhappy - free yourself from this situation and see what the future brings. You've had a whirlwind romance, it hasn't lasted, it's ok. You will be ok.

Snowywintersundays123 · 11/12/2021 21:06

The love for your children is unconditional, if you were my daughter I’d want you to be brave and leave. Brave to acknowledge something wasn’t right, my heart would sink if I knew that you were just carrying on hoping for the best.

whynotwhatknot · 11/12/2021 21:10

some annoying gits will say told you so but most will just be happy youve thought about this and its not right for you

HidingFromDD · 11/12/2021 21:16

no problem with admitting it didn't work, but please don't do what my nephew's ex did after a short marriage and insist on claiming half of the house deposit that was an inheritance from my late father. Nephew was so devastated that he didn't fight it, just wanted it sorted. Won't say what we think of her as it's not pleasant, but nothing to do with ending the marriage and everything to do with being a grabby CF

Blossom64265 · 11/12/2021 21:16

Your friends and family will be relieved that you admitted you rushed into this and got out before you ended up pregnant and tied to him forever.

If they expressed some minor concerns about the speed of the relationship, that was likely them trying to be diplomatic and not scream and yell and tell you what they really thought. It was a completely different situation, but when I divorced my XH, I finally got some insight into what the expressions of concern over the years had actually been masking.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 11/12/2021 21:16

If you were my daughter I’d just be relieved you were ending it

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 11/12/2021 21:19

If you were my daughter I would support you, but yes, I would probably be thinking (but not saying) you should have listened.

I mean this in the kindest way - you need to mature up a little. You were being very naive. You allowed yourself to get swept up which is fine, that's lust for you, but at 32 you'd hope you'd have put the breaks on a realised you can't know anyone enough after 3/6 months to marry.

You need to work on things. As quick as you got together you're wanting to break up. Why be so impulsive? What is it about waiting and seeing how things work out that scares you? I would maybe see a counsellor about that. Do you have an impulsive personality generally? Do you leave jobs a lot? Gamble? Drop friendships etc?

Don't be ashamed. We all make mistakes.

tara66 · 11/12/2021 21:20

If you honestly think you have had a complete change of heart and you will not change back again - then proceed with the break up and move on as painlessly as possible. You must feel like you have just woken up from a strange dream.

caketiger · 11/12/2021 21:20

I would be proud of you for facing the truth and getting yourself out. Tell the truth to one person your trust who loves you. Make a plan. Failing that just pack and leave, make sure all your important paperwork is with you.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 11/12/2021 21:20

I would find you strong and brave for admitting you had made a mistake and I would 100% support you.

Do jot stay with this person. Set yourself and him, free to move on Flowers

Notimeforaname · 11/12/2021 21:22

Oh god, leave him.
Its absolutely crazy to consider staying miserable rather than being honest. Crazy!!

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