Divorcing 4 months after language - relationship 10 months altogether

[larrydavidisagenious]

I met my partner through work just over 10 months ago, we really hit it off and it was very intense. I'd never felt this way about anyone so fast and as ridiculous as it sounds I thought I'd met my 'soul mate' and he felt the same. Everything just fit, we had the same values and beliefs, he made me laugh, I felt comfortable around him almost immediately, the sex was great, I just felt blissfully happy.

However things did move quickly which I was thrilled about at the start. He proposed after we'd been together 3 months. We just wanted a small wedding so we planned it for 3 months after. I think part of it was worry that Covid would make it impossible as things were changing all the time and we really wanted to get married.

My family and friends had concerns we were rushing in as did his family. We were told many times there wasn't any rush and I was constantly asked by my mum if I was sure. She liked him but it just seemed awful fast but I was positive.

Had a lovely day and about a month of pure bliss afterwards. But the past 3 months have been horrendous. He's not how he was the first 6 months, he's lazy, he's moody, I feel like things are awkward and we have nothing to talk about. I have a constant pit in my stomach that I can't get rid of. To make matters worse he seems unaware of these issues so I feel guilty as he seems happy but I'm just not, I don't want to even kiss him and tense up. When he comes in from work my stomach drops. I just feel like I'm living with a stranger and am screaming internally what the fuck did you do!?

I can't speak to anyone in real life either as I'm embarrassed as I had so many opportunities to pull out but at the time I felt genuinely happy and as if I was making the right choice so I didn't want to pull out.

It really is as if as soon as we married a flip switched and I don't know if he's the problem or I am.

I don't want to do counselling, I don't want to try and talk to him, I don't want to try and make this work. I want rid of this constant knot in my stomach, and the only way I can think of is to break up (I can barely even say divorce or separate as it sounds so ridiculous as this is a man I barely know). I feel like I'm living with a total stranger.

If this was your daughter would you be really disappointed in her? I know my parents and friends will support me but have I disappointed them? Will I be a laughing stock? Do I just hold my hands up and admit I made a mistake?

@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain

If you were my daughter I would support you, but yes, I would probably be thinking (but not saying) you should have listened.

I mean this in the kindest way - you need to mature up a little. You were being very naive. You allowed yourself to get swept up which is fine, that's lust for you, but at 32 you'd hope you'd have put the breaks on a realised you can't know anyone enough after 3/6 months to marry.

You need to work on things. As quick as you got together you're wanting to break up. Why be so impulsive? What is it about waiting and seeing how things work out that scares you? I would maybe see a counsellor about that. Do you have an impulsive personality generally? Do you leave jobs a lot? Gamble? Drop friendships etc?

Don't be ashamed. We all make mistakes.

No I really don't have an impulsive personality which is why everyone was so surprised. I have been single since my daughter was 1 year old and she is now 8 so I think I just got swept away with everything.

Luckily our finances aren't intertwined much, he moved into my house and his house is sitting empty so he can move back in there. The plan was to sell the two houses and get a place of our own but that didn't happen thankfully.

I was married 6 months to ‘D’H 1.

Never regretted leaving even for one second. Sure people had their opinions but they didn’t have to live with the nasty prick, I did!

Leave as soon as you can; there is a fab life out there waiting for you.

Bless you. Not at all, you're around the right 'stage' where people start realising a relationship isn't for them so I'd just be happy you realised now and not further down the line with kids or a mortgage etc.

Hope the divorce goes smoothly for you, OP.

If you were my daughter I’d want you to ring me and say you’re coming home. I wouldn’t be disappointed or say I told you so.
I’d desperately want you to get out.

I don't want to do counselling, I don't want to try and talk to him, I don't want to try and make this work.

Why don’t you want to try and make it work?

My view is that it doesn’t matter if you’ve been together a day or 50 years, if you’re unhappy then leave but I don’t know why after such a short space of time you wouldn’t at least try and make things work.
Every relationship has ups and downs and no relationship is going to be pure bliss every single day. You rushed through the fun dating stage so it’s only natural that the mundane stage has come sooner too.

If you were my daughter I wouldn’t judge you but I think you may regret your decision. It seems you rushed into marrying him and now you’re rushing into separating.
Why nit slow things down a bit.

Don’t worry what other people think, do what is right for you. Life is too short.

@Cocomarine

I would welcome you back with open arms, and one day - one distant day - we’d laugh and say “what the fuck happened there?”

Call your mum tomorrow. You need a mum hug.

This

@WonderfulYou

I don't want to do counselling, I don't want to try and talk to him, I don't want to try and make this work.

Why don’t you want to try and make it work?

My view is that it doesn’t matter if you’ve been together a day or 50 years, if you’re unhappy then leave but I don’t know why after such a short space of time you wouldn’t at least try and make things work.
Every relationship has ups and downs and no relationship is going to be pure bliss every single day. You rushed through the fun dating stage so it’s only natural that the mundane stage has come sooner too.

If you were my daughter I wouldn’t judge you but I think you may regret your decision. It seems you rushed into marrying him and now you’re rushing into separating.
Why nit slow things down a bit.

I just know in my gut that I've made a terrible mistake. I can't shake the feeling. It's like a constant feeling of homesickness in my old home. I feel like I'm sharing my house with a complete stranger. My full body reacts and tenses up when he is around me. I just feel it in my bones it's more than just the honeymoon stage wearing off. I am miserable.

This WILL be a vaguely funny story you tell in the future if you get out of it now.

@lilmishap

This WILL be a vaguely funny story you tell in the future if you get out of it now.

I really hope so. It feels dreadful just now but I'm going to go round and speak to my mum and dad tomorrow and take things from there.

"Do I just hold my hands up and admit I made a mistake?"

Yes, do that.

Then move on to a better life.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

Return to your Mum's - she'll be delighted and relieved.

As it appears that there was lovebombing then a mask drop once you were "secured", I'd say there is a high risk he'll try to ensure you become pregnant as soon as he gets wind you're leaving.

He'll be even worse if there is a baby and then you're stuck with him forever. Don't forget that - because this is who he really is.

Legally, you may not complete the divorce until you've been married 1 year, however you can engage a solicitor and commence the paperwork. Do all of this living apart and don't let him love bomb you back in.

I know I am in a minority but I wouldnt rush into separating. You rushed the relationship and it didn't work out. You don't want to rush the split and regret it - or aspects of it.

Unless the relationship is toxic, I would recommend having a breather. Speak to him. Tell him you need things to change. Date. Make an effort. Give it another 6 months.

I know it's different but I've been with my partner for over 10 years and we've had ups and downs. Most serious relationship have good and bad times and effort needs to be made. Yes, at 10 months you'd expect things to be hunky dory still but without knowing him it's hard to say why he's changed. And there's no reason, after only 3 months of a bad run, that things can't change around.

At least if you work at it you can hold your head high later and know it really couldn't have worked. If you end it now, I think in the future you may look back wondering if you ended it as quickly as you started it.

Just my view though, and ultimately, if you really can't face working on it, there's no shame. It's your relationship and you can end it whenever you feel you need to. You don't have to answer to anyone

If this was one of my daughters I’d just want her to be safe and happy.
Living with a permanent knot in your stomach is not a good sign, it shows your subconscious knows there’s something seriously wrong.
You can’t live your life for other people, for what they think.
If you 100% feel you should walk away, listen to your gut and do that.

I'm going to go round and speak to my mum and dad tomorrow and take things from there

Good idea op. Just be straight with them ''I've made a mistake,I want to end it and I'm not sure how to go about it'' they will only support you.

Better to do it now as you feeling that bad is bound to affect your child

I'd be pleased for you that you recognised your haste and have seen that you aren't suited.

I'd respect you even more if you undertook some counselling (post split) to help you work out how you got swept along so quickly.

You made a mistake - get the divorce. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or says.

I have to be honest, thought. You mention you have a daughter, and I'm assuming she lives with you? I'm amazed you brought a man you don't know to live with you both.

How did you rationalise taking such a big gamble with your child's safety and wellbeing?

It sounds as if he love bombed you and this is the real him. Well done for realising this. If you were my daughter, I’d be disappointed for you. But back you all the way. I’m glad you’re going to talk to your parents tomorrow.

@AbsentmindedWoman

You made a mistake - get the divorce. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or says.

I have to be honest, thought. You mention you have a daughter, and I'm assuming she lives with you? I'm amazed you brought a man you don't know to live with you both.

How did you rationalise taking such a big gamble with your child's safety and wellbeing?

I agree, I'm amazed anyone could bring a man into a child's life after just 3 months, let alone marry him.

Don't worry about the 'sunk costs' emotionally of the marriage, get out. Maybe say to people 'Look, I don't want to hear "I told you so" - he's just really changed and it's not working out'.

A friend left his marriage a short while in after his other half revealed a really aggressive, difficult side he hadn't seen before and everyone understood.

End it. It is only 10 months and you have discovered he isn't the guy for you. If you had been married for ten years, maybe it would be worth trying to work on it, but after such a short time it is best to walk away. A friend of mine got married to someone she knew less than a year, realised a week after the wedding that she had made a huge mistake (he changed personality as soon as they were married), and within three weeks she had left him for good. Maybe some people thought badly of her, but I never heard about them. Anyone I knew was just glad that she got out of there so quickly.

You are almost certainly going to get some 'I told you so's for getting the obvious outcome of rushing into marriage so fast, and people who will have already been judging you for that decision will feel like that judgement is confirmed, but you've already made the mistake of marrying him, doubling down on that mistake by staying with him and being miserable won't help things.

OP, the relationship is so short you can laugh this off.

Blame it on covid

On another note - I heard on the radio a women married her self then divorced herself as she wasn't happy with herself. Can you imagine really not liking yourself that much .. True story, she spent a grand on the wedding.

Then there are the people that marry their horse.

Fuck it OP, you will laugh about this in a while with your friends 'ah do you remember when I married guy..'

Must admit, I was shocked when you mentioned you have a young daughter. You need to follow your instincts and end it asap. And thank good fortune that your daughter hasn’t been abused by this man who you do not know.

I'm sure your parents will support you. What a horrible experience for you.