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Original poster

Divorcing 4 months after language - relationship 10 months altogether

179 replies

larrydavidisagenious · 11/12/2021 20:27

I met my partner through work just over 10 months ago, we really hit it off and it was very intense. I'd never felt this way about anyone so fast and as ridiculous as it sounds I thought I'd met my 'soul mate' and he felt the same. Everything just fit, we had the same values and beliefs, he made me laugh, I felt comfortable around him almost immediately, the sex was great, I just felt blissfully happy.

However things did move quickly which I was thrilled about at the start. He proposed after we'd been together 3 months. We just wanted a small wedding so we planned it for 3 months after. I think part of it was worry that Covid would make it impossible as things were changing all the time and we really wanted to get married.

My family and friends had concerns we were rushing in as did his family. We were told many times there wasn't any rush and I was constantly asked by my mum if I was sure. She liked him but it just seemed awful fast but I was positive.

Had a lovely day and about a month of pure bliss afterwards. But the past 3 months have been horrendous. He's not how he was the first 6 months, he's lazy, he's moody, I feel like things are awkward and we have nothing to talk about. I have a constant pit in my stomach that I can't get rid of. To make matters worse he seems unaware of these issues so I feel guilty as he seems happy but I'm just not, I don't want to even kiss him and tense up. When he comes in from work my stomach drops. I just feel like I'm living with a stranger and am screaming internally what the fuck did you do!?

I can't speak to anyone in real life either as I'm embarrassed as I had so many opportunities to pull out but at the time I felt genuinely happy and as if I was making the right choice so I didn't want to pull out.

It really is as if as soon as we married a flip switched and I don't know if he's the problem or I am.

I don't want to do counselling, I don't want to try and talk to him, I don't want to try and make this work. I want rid of this constant knot in my stomach, and the only way I can think of is to break up (I can barely even say divorce or separate as it sounds so ridiculous as this is a man I barely know). I feel like I'm living with a total stranger.

If this was your daughter would you be really disappointed in her? I know my parents and friends will support me but have I disappointed them? Will I be a laughing stock? Do I just hold my hands up and admit I made a mistake?

OP posts:
Rainbowshit · 11/12/2021 21:53

Far braver to admit you made a mistake than carry on because you're embarrassed.

I'm sure your family will feel relief.

Scarby9 · 11/12/2021 21:54

A school friend of mine got engaged very quickly to someone she met at a time when many of the rest of our group were getting married.

From what little we knew, we didn't think they were well suited, and that anyway they barely knew one another.

Another friend agreed to be the spokesperson for us all and went to talk to her to express our concerns and beg her to delay the wedding. She refused.

This was in the early 1990s, so no digital cameras or phones. None of us had finished the films in our cameras and had any of their wedding photos printed (at Boots, if you remember) before they split up - less than 3 months after the wedding. They have never met up in person again.

We were all there to help pick up the pieces. No blame or anything at all. She made a mistake and realised it. We all do that sometimes.

Take some time apart at least. You have the rest of your life.

milkyaqua · 11/12/2021 21:56

I just know in my gut that I've made a terrible mistake. I can't shake the feeling. It's like a constant feeling of homesickness in my old home. I feel like I'm sharing my house with a complete stranger. My full body reacts and tenses up when he is around me. I just feel it in my bones it's more than just the honeymoon stage wearing off. I am miserable.

Oh, god. Get out now. Always listen to your body and your feelings. I really hope your mum and everyone around you supports you to get out of this situation, and move him out of your house pronto. There's no shame in falling for someone (who put up a facade to reel you in) and there's no shame in making a mistake and recognizing it. Best wishes to you, OP.

lightisnotwhite · 11/12/2021 21:56

Yep go.

Although my parents met and married within 6 weeks. 50 years on still happily together ( although my mother has the patience of a saint).

MrSlant · 11/12/2021 21:58

Just get the hell out of this, chalk it up to the pandemic and move on. People think about what you are doing a lot less than you'd imagine, maybe a one minute conversation then move on to the next thing. If I were your friend I'd just want you to be happy and if I were your mum I'd be relieved you got yourself out of an unhappy situation.

I spent 10 more years in my marriage than I wanted to because I worried about opinions and I regret that deeply. Go, now, run!

Youdoyoutoday · 11/12/2021 22:02

Can I ask why you rushed to get married though? I'm not being goady but I've often wondered why people are so adamant to rush when if you believe you're in love and will be together for years, what's the rush?

I think you're better off cutting your losses at this point though, it's obviously not right if you feel so anxious all the time. You'll be OK, call your mum Flowers

Darkpheonix · 11/12/2021 22:03

If you were my daughter I would be happy you were strong enough to get yourself out of the situation.

However, I would have also been extremely concerned about your dd, during all this. Being given a new parental figure, who you barely know. So probably relieved.

You can't stay in a marriage to save face. Kids are quite switched on, your dd will pick up on how unhappy you are with this man.

So while you have made mistakes, especially concerning your dd, you can't change that. But you can't model this sort of relationship to her. Where the woman is miserable, the man is happy so ignores the obvious and everyone lives in an extremely awkward environment.....because the man is happy.

You can't change the past. But you can make sure you make better choices for you and dd going forward. Splitting sooner is better for her.

Original poster
larrydavidisagenious · 11/12/2021 22:04

@AbsentmindedWoman

You made a mistake - get the divorce. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or says.

I have to be honest, thought. You mention you have a daughter, and I'm assuming she lives with you? I'm amazed you brought a man you don't know to live with you both.

How did you rationalise taking such a big gamble with your child's safety and wellbeing?

Yes my daughter lives with me, she goes to her dads a night during the week and every second weekend. To be honest I really have been naive. He didn't move in until after the wedding but she met him after we got engaged, it's obviously been a big change for her as it's always just been us two. But she likes him and there have been no problems, he has never shown any signs of being abusive towards me or my daughter and I can assure you if he ever even thought about it he'd of been out of here faster than his feet could touch the floor. He is absolutely lovely with her.

She is bound to be picking up on the energy, I just want him out so things can go back to normal. I will never do this again, I'm usually pretty sensible, I don't know what happened and I do feel like I've let my daughter down. Up until this point she's had a very stable life, very routined, her dad has a partner but they're together 3 years and still not living together. I can't believe I've been so stupid. It doesn't seem like me looking back on it.

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 11/12/2021 22:06

I almost married a man who proposed after 6 weeks. Looking back, he lovebombed me in a way tailored to the young romantic in me, very specifically mirroring both my likes and tastes and behaving as if we were soulmates and he was indeed Heathcliff! He was not a good man.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 11/12/2021 22:08

Sounds like classic love bombing and impulsivity on his part.

Many relationships fizzle out around this point. The fact you got married is a red herring really. It's not the 50s. You don't have to stay married to someone if you're not in love with him.

Chimley · 11/12/2021 22:09

It's obviously a shame it hasn't worked out but it's absolutely fine to admit your mistake and end the marriage. Your friends and family will be there for you because they love you and want you to be happy.

LifeIsWhat · 11/12/2021 22:11

Did he change to a totally different person after the wedding? It is just peculiar how and why someone can switch so dramatically.

blueshoes · 11/12/2021 22:13

It was dangerous to bring a man into your dd's life without properly vetting him. Now it is coming back to bite you. He is showing his true colours and you have the ick. Please let it not be anything else.

You should reverse out of this marriage so quickly that it leaves skid marks. Your last thought should not be what your mother thinks of you but what you are doing to your dd.

RandomMess · 11/12/2021 22:15

Sound alike he love bombed you and promised and said what you wanted to hear and now he doesn't need to bother anymore.

frazzledasarock · 11/12/2021 22:15

Ask him to move back into his place tell your friends and family. Chalk it up to experience.

You won’t be able to get divorced till you’ve been married for a year though.

You could possibly do it online via wikivorce and online application if he and you remain civil.

JeffThePilot · 11/12/2021 22:20

OP, my first marriage lasted four months. I was mortified at the time but I knew I’d made a terrible mistake almost from day one. Unlike you, I’d been with him a while so I should have known better, but my self esteem was in the toilet.

I left, it was agonising but the right thing to do. I’m now married to a lovely man, for 14 years now and counting, and I’m so grateful I managed to leave that first marriage. Of course I wish I’d never gone through with it in the first place, but nothing to be gained from compounding those mistakes. Leave as soon as you can.

JumparooSavedMyLife · 11/12/2021 22:22

Oh don't be worrying about what other's think seriously, if you aren't happy and you know in your heart it isn't right leave him. There's no shame in admitting you dove in head first but it wasn't right. People might say "I told you so" but so what?

Don't be ashamed and don't stay in a marriage you don't want to be in.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 11/12/2021 22:22

Be brave, talk to your parents/trusted friends - I bet you they will all want to love and support you. And I echo everyone who has already said it's braver to admit you made a mistake than stay in a miserable marriage to save face.

Don't worry about being introspective now - sounds like now is the time for action. But I bet when you look back on this in five years, you'll see that there was a reason for you acting so impulsively and out of character. Maybe you were having a tricky time at work, a loved one had a health issue, your mental health was shaky, etc and then he came along and seemed like the answer to a prayer. Don't beat yourself up or punish yourself with "why was I so stupid". Be as nice to yourself as you would be to your best friend in the same situation.

Hertsgirl10 · 11/12/2021 22:22

Shit happens it’s not the end of the world!

Sounds like you was loved bombed and maybe there’s more to him than you realised and now your body and your mind are reacting and you instincts are kicking in.
What’s he like with your child? Does she like him?

Speak to your best friends and your family then make a plan, bit of a shit time of year to dump someone though..! I think that’s the only part that would be worrying me right now!

Hertsgirl10 · 11/12/2021 22:29

I read a few years ago that 12th Jan was the date most people left their partner’s so random but maybe stick that in your diary

CaMePlaitPas · 11/12/2021 22:31

If you were my daughter I would only ever want you happy. You tried something and it didn't work, I would think you were so brave for trying but braver to admit that it wasn't what you wanted.

lilmishap · 11/12/2021 22:32

You don't need to beat yourself up over this, you got sucked in and feel you fucked up.
You're now wanting to rectify it as you're not prepared to be unhappy, you're owning it and teaching your daughter that you can and should own up to mistakes and rectify/move on. Your daughter is fine and shouldn't be affected by this....but you are teaching her a valuable lesson. Mistakes happen and you shouldn't suffer them out of embarrassment or shame.

Your happiness matters more than your image and other peoples opinions. I wish I'd had that teaching growing up.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 11/12/2021 22:32

Let’s be honest…

The worst outcome is that you divorce him and move on with life and some people will be thinking or saying I told you so.

Actually I take that back…The worst outcome is that you stay married to someone you don’t love, deny yourself a chance to fall in love with someone else, and teach your daughter that it’s the right thing to do to put appearances in front of her own happiness.

If this was your daughter what advice would you give her?

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/12/2021 22:43

My first husband and I....

Together almost to the day for 2.5 years from first date until divorce. It was only that long because I became pregnant with DD1 and then his father passed away. If it hadnt been for that then I would have been waiting for the deadline of being married a year to file.

It happens, kick him out and move on.

Seedandyarn · 11/12/2021 22:45

So you rushed into marriage and now you are rushing into a divorce?
If you truly value marriage you owe it to both of you to try work it out. It's unfair not to even talk to him about it.