Divorcing 4 months after language - relationship 10 months altogether

[larrydavidisagenious]

I met my partner through work just over 10 months ago, we really hit it off and it was very intense. I'd never felt this way about anyone so fast and as ridiculous as it sounds I thought I'd met my 'soul mate' and he felt the same. Everything just fit, we had the same values and beliefs, he made me laugh, I felt comfortable around him almost immediately, the sex was great, I just felt blissfully happy.

However things did move quickly which I was thrilled about at the start. He proposed after we'd been together 3 months. We just wanted a small wedding so we planned it for 3 months after. I think part of it was worry that Covid would make it impossible as things were changing all the time and we really wanted to get married.

My family and friends had concerns we were rushing in as did his family. We were told many times there wasn't any rush and I was constantly asked by my mum if I was sure. She liked him but it just seemed awful fast but I was positive.

Had a lovely day and about a month of pure bliss afterwards. But the past 3 months have been horrendous. He's not how he was the first 6 months, he's lazy, he's moody, I feel like things are awkward and we have nothing to talk about. I have a constant pit in my stomach that I can't get rid of. To make matters worse he seems unaware of these issues so I feel guilty as he seems happy but I'm just not, I don't want to even kiss him and tense up. When he comes in from work my stomach drops. I just feel like I'm living with a stranger and am screaming internally what the fuck did you do!?

I can't speak to anyone in real life either as I'm embarrassed as I had so many opportunities to pull out but at the time I felt genuinely happy and as if I was making the right choice so I didn't want to pull out.

It really is as if as soon as we married a flip switched and I don't know if he's the problem or I am.

I don't want to do counselling, I don't want to try and talk to him, I don't want to try and make this work. I want rid of this constant knot in my stomach, and the only way I can think of is to break up (I can barely even say divorce or separate as it sounds so ridiculous as this is a man I barely know). I feel like I'm living with a total stranger.

If this was your daughter would you be really disappointed in her? I know my parents and friends will support me but have I disappointed them? Will I be a laughing stock? Do I just hold my hands up and admit I made a mistake?

"I just know in my gut that I've made a terrible mistake. I can't shake the feeling. It's like a constant feeling of homesickness in my old home. "

Do you know in you gut the same way you knew "in your gut" that this guy you recently met would be your soulmate forever?

If so, then you need to do some serious work on your self-esteem, how you make choices and when to trust (and when not to) that "gut feeling" you have. Because in a very short period of time it has proven to be quite fickle. And as a result of it, you have hurt yourself, your husband and likely your daughter in the process.

I would be more disappointed that you brought someone you describe as a stranger into your child's life, I would be relieved at the divorce.

Do people who marry in register offices or other licensed places necessarily make 'vows' as in the Christian church service? I ask as a non-participant and infrquent attendee. It seems to me there is an assumption in discussions like this that everyone who marries vows life long fidelity and monogomy but does that even apply now? And what about in other religions? I don't think all weddings have the same import do they?

I just feel like I'm living with a stranger

That’s because you are. Why were you so desperate to be married?

@Pinkgold1

I just feel like I'm living with a stranger

That’s because you are. Why were you so desperate to be married?

Limerence

@LowlyTheWorm I guarantee not long from now that your 21 year old daughter is going to do something that’s going to shake you to your very core

Go chat to your Mum asap, explain how you're feeling and I bet you get a big hug and reassurance that they are there for you and your daughter no matter what. You got caught up in a whirlwind during a really strange time and I bet you are just one of a lot who rushed a relationship during covid. Divorce as soon as you can, then relax. I met my husband when my son was 8, started dating when he was 9, married when he was 16, never lived together before that, happily married 13 years now, there's no need to rush anything. You'll be fine and bugger anyone who says or thinks anything about it, you took a chance, it didn't work out but at least you tried and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Best of luck, let us all know how things go.

@Dita73 😂😂😂 what like getting pregnant at 17? Yep. Been there. I didn’t suggest she was perfect and wouldn’t ever make a mistake or a bad choice. But she already has shown that she faces up to her responsibilities and can communicate with people like the adult she is and make the best decisions for her child she can given her circumstances.
The same can’t be said for OP.
I’m not suggesting she sticks in an unhappy marriage forever. But to walk away without discussing it with her husband or attempting to address any issues at all through counselling or medication or just at least having the gumption to talk- that’s what I have a serious issue with a 32 year old mum of one doing.
I’m anything but naive I can assure you.

@LowlyTheWorm glad you think it’s funny. Until you do live a perfect life,maybe keep your judgement and self righteousness on mute

Don't be so hard on yourself, you've made a mistake but realised it....now is the time to sort it out. You can't live like this.
If you were my daughter I wouldn't judge at all, and would support you going forward. You are certainly living with a stranger, because there was not enough time to get to know the real person beyond the intense first feelings.
Make sure you have all your plans together first and then leave the relationship. Do make sure you have a plan though, just in case he "changes" again and things get nasty when you tell him you want a divorce.

Tbh you would benefit from counselling. Arguably I'd say you need to go. You have a DD and you jumped into marriage with a colleague and now want to jump back out. Whether it's about boundaries or self-esteem, you haven't learnt anything from this. And you need to, so you don't do it again.
It sounds as though you had a fantasy about marriage life and want to bail because it isn't like that. On a personal level there's no introspection or exploration of what went wrong. That's what would concern me. Not how long your marriage was.

I get that the OP made a 'mistake' and sure, we all make them sometimes. But I don't understand why we have to minimise the true situation.
OP brought a stranger into her childs life. Not only life, but home. She married a stranger fine, she's an adult, but the potential effect/result on her child shouldn't be glossed over.
OP leave. Grow up. And never, ever force a strange man into your childs life like this again. This time, you were lucky. Hopefully.

This, 100%.

OP the fact you already had a child makes this a very different scenario to if you were child-free. If you didn't have a child, it's a daft mistake, but one quite easily rectified in the scheme of things. Effectively just the breakup of a short relationship, but with a bit of paperwork.

I'm shocked that you would bring a stranger into your DD's life so quickly in this manner. I'm a single parent myself- I'm the same age as you with two DC very similar in age to your DD and I cannot imagine how you thought this was a good idea. And I absolutely think as a single parent you should be able to have a relationship- but it requires a great deal of care, and constant assessment of the safety and well-being of your DC. And a lot of time, my kids wouldn't be meeting someone I had been dating for only six months- there's no way I'd be marrying them and bringing them into my DC's home.

You need to get some support from family (who will likely be more relieved than anything else), ask him to leave and then consider what you need to do to get divorced. And learn a massive lesson from this- you cannot be so careless and immature in the future when you have a child to think about.

What message is she sending to her child?

That people make mistakes but that doesn't mean they have to be miserable and can't change anything once they realise its mistake.

That mistakes can often be rectified.

And that also, it's OK to admit you made a mistake and work at resolving it. That a marriage that makes you miserable is not one you should be in.

If you’re big enough to move a stranger into your daughter home (WTAF!) after four months, then you should be big enough to put your hands up to your ill judgment. Don’t let vanity compound your first mistake.

In answer to your question, I would be far more embarrassed and disappointed about your decision to move a man so quickly into a young girls home, then I ever would be about you coming to your senses.

I can’t believe you have been so rash with your daughters safety and happiness, never mind your own.

Ending it would be the sensible thing to do. You still don’t know what he’s like !

Ignore completely every one who is advising you to try to make this work.

Get divorced as soon as possible.

You've been sucked into a relationship that has reg flags all over it. I am very concerned that you were deliberately love bombed by this man. If you were, the sudden change in his demeanour is no surprise, and there is worse to come.

If this was your daughter would you be really disappointed in her? I know my parents and friends will support me but have I disappointed them? Will I be a laughing stock? Do I just hold my hands up and admit I made a mistake?

I would hold a ticker tape parade for you.

Please take a very deep breath, talk to your mum, tell her you made a horrible mistake, that your husband has changed beyond all recognition, that you are suffering from stress, and you need to end it asap for everyone's sake, especially your child's.

For reference, I'm 57 and my oldest daughter is 31.

@blueshoes I consider that a compliment thank you

@tomorrowalready there are 2 declarations that are legally required for marriage in uk - that you are legally able to marry and that your intent is to be legally bound as a spouse. Anything else is personal choice. The laws differ slightly in the component countries of the uk on other matters but I believe these are throughout the uk

and I bet you are just one of a lot who rushed a relationship during covid.

Just because others do a thing doesn't mean it's the right or sensible thing to do though does it? I don't disagree we saw a number of these type of threads on here mainly when things then (frankly obviously imo) started to go wrong! "Met dp at start of lockdown, we didn't want to be separated by the terms of lockdown and so moved in together and now it's all gone pear shaped"

It happens at times of war too. Many who married in the 40's chose completely incompatible spouses and were then (mainly the women) cornered by law, by societal expectations, by limited finances etc into having to put up with horrible even abusive spouses.

@LowlyTheWorm the worm may have been a bit harsh in how they worded things but I'm afraid op may well find those around her thinking the same even if they don't say so. It might come up in future arguments.

I happen to agree that the younger folk seem to move in together/marry VERY quickly these days and that seems even more the case when they already have dc! Which I find very odd for reasons I've already stated.

What is the rush?! Take the time to get to know each other PROPERLY warts and all BEFORE you make a commitment that's harder to get out of!

I've been through a divorce it's a horrible thing to go through. Wouldn't wish it on anyone if avoidable.

Nobody's perfect but you reduce the risks where possible of emotional and physical harm. Children ARE vulnerable and need their parents to protect them.

I can't help but wonder what ops dds father thought of all this! In his shoes I'd have been very concerned, enough to have said something at the time indeed I think I would have DONE something like gone for full residency in his place. I'm lucky to a degree that my dds step mum was already known to me (ow, previously a friend of several years had babysat dd)

I think I would have found it very difficult if ex had met and moved in with a stranger very quickly after our split and expected to have our dd around basically a stranger.

I KNOW my ex would have gone off his nut if I'd done this as not long after our split a stirring neighbour led him to believe I was having a chap over at weekends with dd at home weeks after our split (it was my brother visiting to provide support - nosy neighbour being an idiot!) and he DID go off his nut! Until I told him who it was.

On a personal level there's no introspection or exploration of what went wrong.

Well observed I think this explains what concerns several of us on thread.

Lots of excuses no explanations is a concern tbh

I am repeating my earlier advice that advice and support from a good therapist would be a good idea for you.

A 30 something single mum really shouldn't be getting misled by a whirlwind romance.

Whirlwind romances rarely work out they are the exception rather than the rule. My grandparents and one of my aunts marriages were of this type but even they conceded that looking back it was madness really and pure luck it turned out well.

My other grandparents similar but a very unhappy and abusive marriage. Both wartime marriages the grandparents. The aunt was a shotgun wedding situation (as were my parents). Hers turned out fine my parents another abusive mess.

Learn from this and take things more slowly and steadily in future.

All those saying you’d be proud as her Mum? Wtf? My 21 year old daughter makes more sensible decisions and I’d be disappointed if she gave up on a marriage so easily and quickly. And the op is 32- not some daft lassie.
What message is she sending to her child? When the going gets tough just walk away? Doesn’t matter what you’re promising to do, just quit.

@LowlyTheWorm
As I mentioned, I have a 31 year old daughter.

If she were the OP I would simply ask her how I could support her. A mother's duty is to her child, not to some abstract institution.

I'm talking about the OP's mother's duty as well as the OP's duty to her own child. The OP made a mistake and her child is now living in a bad situation that can thankfully be quickly remedied.

The OP's mother questioned the relationship all along, and she was right.

The OP is involved in a charade, not a marriage. She is a victim of love bombing. The longer they go on the worse relationships with love bombers tend to get.

I
In answer to your question, I would be far more embarrassed and disappointed about your decision to move a man so quickly into a young girls home, then I ever would be about you coming to your senses.

This is a good point. People already have an opinion on what you did. They are unlikely to judge you for coming to your senses.

Any judgment will be about decisions already made. Not undoing them

@Cocomarine

I would welcome you back with open arms, and one day - one distant day - we’d laugh and say “what the fuck happened there?”

Call your mum tomorrow. You need a mum hug.

Will you be my mum?

A 30 something single mum really shouldn't be getting misled by a whirlwind romance.

It's very, very easy for anyone of any age to fall victim to someone engaging in love bombing.

See centerforhopewny.org/blog/how-narcissists-hook-their-prey-in-three-steps-love-bombing-devaluation-discard/ and links within this site.

Love Bombing involves being showered with affection, gifts, and promises for the future with someone making you believe you may have discovered love at first sight.

...the first stage of abuse, when the NPD is totally focused on you to the exclusion of anything or anyone else. I can only describe this feeling like being enveloped by the sun. This is when you are placed high upon a pedestal, and you can literally do no wrong. Skilled NPD’s are masters at this phase. You are the answer to all their problems. No one who came before can hold a candle to you. You are the smartest, most beautiful woman in the world.

Narcissistic Mirroring
Early childhood circumstances prevent narcissists from establishing a stable sense of identity and self-worth, narcissists look to external sources for definition and esteem. When they find a prospective or new partner, they study that person and attempt to reflect their personality, style, interests, and values. People with NPD engage in narcissistic mirroring for three primary reasons:

<span class="italic">They lack a stable identity and are trying on yours.</span>
<span class="italic">They are working to win you over, reflecting what they think you want to see.</span>
<span class="italic">They are faking intimacy because they lack the skills and desire for genuine connection.</span>

...they take on the likes, habits or hobbies that you enjoy simply to convince you that they are the one for you. None of it is genuine. NPD’s are chameleons with no real sense of self; this mirroring phase is geared to make you believe that you have so much in common. It is another tool of seduction.

Gradually, the target begins to see bright red flags that indicate a problem in this fantastical paradise. The narcissist will begin—subtly, insidiously, and covertly—to devalue his or her significant other. This may happen via putdowns, gaslighting, intermittently lacking emotional or physical intimacy, withdrawing affection, seductive withholding, inexplicably disappearing from contact, or blaming the target for the narcissistic person’s issues (projection) and other forms of emotional abuse. and manipulation. During the devaluation phase, the narcissist will intermittently return to the idealization, love bombing phase, however briefly, to keep the victim off balance and to create and reinforce trauma bonds.

To be a bit brutal, as a member of your family I would feel annoyed that, despite me warning you, you still rushed in to marry a practical stranger and you were now splitting up. Despite that, if you were my family, I wouldn't want you to be unhappy and live in misery so obviously I'd support you leaving him.

My daughter is sensible and not impulsive. So if she’d done the same as you, I’d have believed her that she genuinely thought it was the right thing. If she came to me months later with your story I’d tell her I loved her, and to get my grandchild and come home to me immediately. I’d make up her old room and welcome her home and tell her everything would be ok. And it will be.

You’re not the first person in the world to marry the wrong person, and you won’t be the last. Xx

I'm pretty sure your family and friends will be behind you 100%. The quicker this is ended the better.

Just get out now and put it down to experience.