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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorcing 4 months after language - relationship 10 months altogether

179 replies

larrydavidisagenious · 11/12/2021 20:27

I met my partner through work just over 10 months ago, we really hit it off and it was very intense. I'd never felt this way about anyone so fast and as ridiculous as it sounds I thought I'd met my 'soul mate' and he felt the same. Everything just fit, we had the same values and beliefs, he made me laugh, I felt comfortable around him almost immediately, the sex was great, I just felt blissfully happy.

However things did move quickly which I was thrilled about at the start. He proposed after we'd been together 3 months. We just wanted a small wedding so we planned it for 3 months after. I think part of it was worry that Covid would make it impossible as things were changing all the time and we really wanted to get married.

My family and friends had concerns we were rushing in as did his family. We were told many times there wasn't any rush and I was constantly asked by my mum if I was sure. She liked him but it just seemed awful fast but I was positive.

Had a lovely day and about a month of pure bliss afterwards. But the past 3 months have been horrendous. He's not how he was the first 6 months, he's lazy, he's moody, I feel like things are awkward and we have nothing to talk about. I have a constant pit in my stomach that I can't get rid of. To make matters worse he seems unaware of these issues so I feel guilty as he seems happy but I'm just not, I don't want to even kiss him and tense up. When he comes in from work my stomach drops. I just feel like I'm living with a stranger and am screaming internally what the fuck did you do!?

I can't speak to anyone in real life either as I'm embarrassed as I had so many opportunities to pull out but at the time I felt genuinely happy and as if I was making the right choice so I didn't want to pull out.

It really is as if as soon as we married a flip switched and I don't know if he's the problem or I am.

I don't want to do counselling, I don't want to try and talk to him, I don't want to try and make this work. I want rid of this constant knot in my stomach, and the only way I can think of is to break up (I can barely even say divorce or separate as it sounds so ridiculous as this is a man I barely know). I feel like I'm living with a total stranger.

If this was your daughter would you be really disappointed in her? I know my parents and friends will support me but have I disappointed them? Will I be a laughing stock? Do I just hold my hands up and admit I made a mistake?

OP posts:
altiara · 12/12/2021 09:49

They won’t be disappointed, they love you and want the best for you. Be brave. Flowers

mdh2020 · 12/12/2021 09:54

You should leave. My DS had a whirl wind romance and realised it was a mistake on her honeymoon. She stuck it out for three years and when she finally left she had a complete breakdown. Go back to your family now. They love you and will look after you.

ScrumptiousBears · 12/12/2021 10:02

Maybe he's acting like he is because he thinks he made a mistake and also doesn't know what to do.

I agree with some PP that you bringing a man into your DD home after such a short period of time is not acceptable and very selfish. You don't k owe him at all and this atmosphere really won't be good for her.

FatBettyintheCoop · 12/12/2021 10:02

My mum got married during WW2 after being love bombed by my dad and the real stress of not knowing if you’re going to die soon as both of them were in the forces. They stayed married until he died in his sixties and they had children together, but it was obvious that she shouldn’t have stayed married to him. They definitely weren’t soul mates!

I know that was her biggest regret in life.

If you know it’s not right, then separate and get divorced. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about your situation.

Hertsgirl10 · 12/12/2021 10:08

@LowlyTheWorm

Genuine question. If a person either the husband or the wife genuinely hates having their spouse around and just wants out. Why should they force themselves to remain in a situation that is making them miserable?

Ummm- because they took marriage vows? Because being married IS and should be different from just being with someone. In this situation the OP hasn’t and isnt even attempting to try to work out what’s gone on or why. Rash decision to marry and now rash decision to divorce.

All those saying you’d be proud as her Mum? Wtf? My 21 year old daughter makes more sensible decisions and I’d be disappointed if she gave up on a marriage so easily and quickly. And the op is 32- not some daft lassie.
What message is she sending to her child? When the going gets tough just walk away? Doesn’t matter what you’re promising to do, just quit.

@LowlyTheWorm

She’s sending a message to her daughter that her happiness is what matters, that mistakes happen, we all make them and marriage certificates aren’t handcuffs where we all have to stay together because we took vows.
And OP was always sensible till she got into this impulsive marriage so you might be thinking at 21 your daughter is has more sense but that can always change. I would hope if she makes a mistake and is this miserable that you would be proud that she fronts it and sorts the situation out, for her own happiness and mental health.

Tivermeshimbers1 · 12/12/2021 10:12

Run and don’t look back

YouSetTheTone · 12/12/2021 10:20

I have a friend who got married quickly and divorced him very quickly too when she realised she’d made a mistake.
I’d forgotten it ever even happened until I read your post - don’t stay in a marriage who know in your bones is wrong for the sake of other people.
FWIW I also admired her for walking away when she did. It shows strength of mind and self-esteem, and you’ll be showing your DD that women can walk away from a relationship they know is wrong.
Good luck with your future op.

GoodTid · 12/12/2021 10:44

No OP I wouldn't be disappointed at all. Go tell your family and get divorced ASAP.

mcmooberry · 12/12/2021 12:42

Goodness, this sounds an awful situation to be in. Not sure if anything can be done to save the relationship, it doesn't seem likely as the whole thing seemed like a hormonal madness. Am beyond shocked to hear the update of an 8 year old child though. Hope you get support from your family. He is not blameless proposing after 3 months, I think you need to speak up and swiftish. Wishing you the best of luck.

VodselForDinner · 12/12/2021 12:59

Honestly OP, based on what you’ve posted here, I don’t think anyone will be too surprised to hear it’s over.

Ring your mum tomorrow and start divorce proceedings.

I do feel for your daughter in all of this. So much change in her life in a very short time.

GabriellaMontez · 12/12/2021 13:05

Don't waste another minute.

Start the ball rolling. Make sure you're protected from any possible bad behavior for eg if you share a bank account or credit card. Remember he's not who you thought he was.

You made a mistake. You're not the first. You wont be the last.

Hankunamatata · 12/12/2021 13:22

You have to suck up the fact that yes people are going to laugh and singer or eye roll but these people are not your friends. Yes your parents may be disappointed about the way things have turned out BUT that doesnt matter. You need to talk to your husband now. Not making all these plans and having all these worries about what people think.

Big girl pants on and have a conversation with your husband

Graphista · 12/12/2021 17:20

@mathanxiety yes I'm aware anyone can become a victim of various abuse techniques but op doesn't strike me as particularly naive or ignorant and I think as seen by the response of many of those around her BEFORE the wedding most people do understand that marrying someone you've only KNOWN for 10 months and only been with for 6 months!

Especially when there's a child involved.

The op was warned and knew that others thought what she was doing was unwise and yet pressed ahead.

I do think more public and widespread info about how abusive relationships start and things like love bombing should be communicated. Alongside issues like consent they should be part of pshe but also public ads to reach already adults.

The longer you stay together the more chance he may have a claim on your assets but it's unlikely he'd have a claim to the house or even part of the value if the divorce is organised as quickly as possible

20 years ago I probably would have said the couples divorce too quickly and give up on their marriage without trying hard enough. Now I know better.

After my divorce I ended up working in the wedding industry. One bride (who was also rushing into marriage!) made the blasé comment "it's too easy to get divorced in this country" I'll admit my response was "I've been through a divorce it is far from easy! Getting married however is! Minimal notice required and few limitations"

28 days notice in uk. No requirement for pre marital counselling or anything which as I get older I think there SHOULD be. Perhaps then there'd be fewer divorces but even better fewer people trapped in abusive relationships!

DBI78 · 12/12/2021 23:09

I want my daughter to be happy above all else. You need to talk to him and if things can't be worked out leave. I stayed with an awful man for ten years feeling too ashamed to leave it's only after we split I realised I was more foolish for staying married so long

MzHz · 13/12/2021 00:09

Sweetheart, this is nothing you have done wrong.

It’s him

He’s not a good partner and he knows this otherwise he’d not have rushed to catch/trap you.

It really is as if as soon as we married a flip switched and I don't know if he's the problem or I am.

I had this with my ds ex. We moved to his country and it was like a switch from day to night.

It was so pronounced that I actually asked hi if he was “showing off cos we’d got guests”

He made my life hell, I couldn’t get out for 3 years.

Cut your losses, leave him asap, don’t look back

Any decent family worth anything will just be happy you’re out and you’re safe.

My family were AWFUL, it took far far longer to get out as a result. Don’t let that happen to you.

We’re all here for you, please let us know what we can do to help?

mathanxiety · 13/12/2021 00:20

I'm aware anyone can become a victim of various abuse techniques but op doesn't strike me as particularly naive or ignorant

I know your heart is in the right place, @Graphista, but I want to emphasise that you don't have to be naive or ignorant to fall victim to love bombing, and the nature of love bombing - the future faking, the mirroring, the devotion - makes it impossible to hear the warnings of friends or family.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2021 00:21

@MzHz, I experienced the flipped switch too.

m1shap3 · 13/12/2021 00:25

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I read your first post and was like “these mistakes happen”. Then I read the update that you have a young daughter snd you did this snd now I’m just 😱
Same
mathanxiety · 13/12/2021 00:36

No requirement for pre marital counselling or anything which as I get older I think there SHOULD be. Perhaps then there'd be fewer divorces but even better fewer people trapped in abusive relationships!

I think that's far too simplistic.
It's not as if RCs, who have to do pre marriage courses, never end up being abused or divorced.

Original poster
larrydavidisagenious · 13/12/2021 00:55

I'm so tired, it's been an emotional day but he left tonight with some of his things. We will sort the rest out this week. I will update properly tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
larrydavidisagenious · 13/12/2021 00:57

Thanks everyone for your comments and opinions. I know I can't behave like this again especially as I have a daughter, it's so unlike me, but I need to make sure her life remains as stable as possible from here on out.

OP posts:
Graphista · 13/12/2021 01:30

I hope my heart is in the right place

Apologies if I am in the wrong which I may well be.

It's good he's gone I think

As with any split your head and heart will be mashed so take it easy on yourself BUT please protect yourself legally and financially at this point

Again personal experience as my ex emptied our joint accounts within days of our split and spirited away the car, computer and other valuables (inc heirloom jewellery of mine!)

Mintyt · 13/12/2021 04:57

Well done,

IAAP · 13/12/2021 05:07

@AlmostAlwyn

If it was my daughter, I'd be proud of her having the strength to admit that she made a mistake. If your family had reservations before, I'm sure they'll only be relieved that you're not stuck in a marriage you don't want.

Be brave and know your family and friends will have your back Flowers

This don’t spend another second on this
garlictwist · 13/12/2021 05:31

Marriage actually has very little to do with love. It's more a contract which essentially says "I will give you everything I own and vice versa".

This is why you need to get out of it if you're not happy, otherwise you'll have to give him more than you want.