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Original poster

Divorcing 4 months after language - relationship 10 months altogether

179 replies

larrydavidisagenious · 11/12/2021 20:27

I met my partner through work just over 10 months ago, we really hit it off and it was very intense. I'd never felt this way about anyone so fast and as ridiculous as it sounds I thought I'd met my 'soul mate' and he felt the same. Everything just fit, we had the same values and beliefs, he made me laugh, I felt comfortable around him almost immediately, the sex was great, I just felt blissfully happy.

However things did move quickly which I was thrilled about at the start. He proposed after we'd been together 3 months. We just wanted a small wedding so we planned it for 3 months after. I think part of it was worry that Covid would make it impossible as things were changing all the time and we really wanted to get married.

My family and friends had concerns we were rushing in as did his family. We were told many times there wasn't any rush and I was constantly asked by my mum if I was sure. She liked him but it just seemed awful fast but I was positive.

Had a lovely day and about a month of pure bliss afterwards. But the past 3 months have been horrendous. He's not how he was the first 6 months, he's lazy, he's moody, I feel like things are awkward and we have nothing to talk about. I have a constant pit in my stomach that I can't get rid of. To make matters worse he seems unaware of these issues so I feel guilty as he seems happy but I'm just not, I don't want to even kiss him and tense up. When he comes in from work my stomach drops. I just feel like I'm living with a stranger and am screaming internally what the fuck did you do!?

I can't speak to anyone in real life either as I'm embarrassed as I had so many opportunities to pull out but at the time I felt genuinely happy and as if I was making the right choice so I didn't want to pull out.

It really is as if as soon as we married a flip switched and I don't know if he's the problem or I am.

I don't want to do counselling, I don't want to try and talk to him, I don't want to try and make this work. I want rid of this constant knot in my stomach, and the only way I can think of is to break up (I can barely even say divorce or separate as it sounds so ridiculous as this is a man I barely know). I feel like I'm living with a total stranger.

If this was your daughter would you be really disappointed in her? I know my parents and friends will support me but have I disappointed them? Will I be a laughing stock? Do I just hold my hands up and admit I made a mistake?

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 12/12/2021 07:05

Your friends and family will support you and won't want you to stay in an unhappy marriage. Please don't do so for the sake of pride, it's not worth it. You made a mistake and that's OK - we all do - just get out and don't make the mistake of staying with him for years when you know it's not right - that would be much worse.

daretodenim · 12/12/2021 07:46

If you were my daughter I'd give you a big hug and help you pick a solicitor. And I'd come with you to take notes on the discussion/support. He's living in your house. You need to check that he has - or could have - no claim to it or any part of it. The sooner you have legal advice on how to get out of this with minimal financial damage, the better.

I say that because his behaviour isn't looking good. You say he's not abusive, which is great and maybe he never would be, but he's already showing signs of not being nice to you or really respecting you. The love bombing and then changing behaviour after marriage shows he can be manipulative. You do no harm to your situation by being prepared for all eventualities. Don't assume he's just going to say "Ok, no problem, I'll just pop back to my old place" because apart from everything else, he also has to admit he's made a mistake, and he may not be willing/able to do that.

I also would advise against moving out until you've had legal advice. Anyway, it's your house, you're not going to feel better knowing he's living in your house and your DD needs her own home.

Jabbawasarollingstone · 12/12/2021 07:56

If you were my daughter I wouldn't have any issue. I'd just want you to be happy.

A cousin of mine divorced quickly after marriage (his "d"w was having an affair) and the entire family were nonplussed. He met his current wife a couple of years afterwards and they are ridiculously happy.

crimsonlake · 12/12/2021 08:04

OP I dated and married in the same time frame as you many years ago now.
Caught up in a whirlwind romance and lust at the time, however unfortunately none of my family or friends expressed concern at the time. I wish they had, but no doubt I would have ignored them.
Basically I married a stranger as you are now discovering.
I won't bore people with the details but I stuck at it for 17 years, as I wanted to make it work and I have two wonderful son's who came along early in the marriage.
Knowing what I know, I would say be brave and end it so you can start afresh. If you had continued dating it would have eventually fizzled out as you got to know him better. It really does not matter what other people think at the end of the day.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 12/12/2021 08:08

Act now whilst his house is still empty and you can split without any financial problems

I stayed with my ex longer than I should have done, my friends and family all said I should have left when I first started having issues, that they'd have supported me, it was my own pride and embarrassment that stopped me. Don't be me

MatildaIThink · 12/12/2021 08:13

If this was your daughter would you be really disappointed in her? I know my parents and friends will support me but have I disappointed them? Will I be a laughing stock? Do I just hold my hands up and admit I made a mistake?

Honest answer is I would have been disappointed you married someone you didn't know, I would not be embarrassed if you had the honesty to admit that was a mistake.

You won't be a laughing stock, yes it was a rash decision, possibly a bit stupid, but that doesn't mean people will laugh, although some may feel sorry for you.

Honesty is almost always the best policy and admitting when you make a mistake is the mature and adult thing to do, no decent person will be disappointed in you or look down on you for admiting you made a mistake.

ViceLikeBlip · 12/12/2021 08:20

I'm sure a few people will mutter "we did try to tell her" behind your back, but they'll be over it within a week because it really doesn't affect them at all.

This is your actual life. You can't stay married to someone just through embarrassment. And it's not fair on him if your whole marriage is just you waiting out a "respectful" amount before you finally split.

knittingaddict · 12/12/2021 08:25

@Seedandyarn

So you rushed into marriage and now you are rushing into a divorce? If you truly value marriage you owe it to both of you to try work it out. It's unfair not to even talk to him about it.
Oh yes, let's get the op to make two mistakes. That should turn out well. I know that there are a couple of others saying the same thing as you, but it's obvious this marriage is over.

Both of my siblings and a cousin had marriages that ended after 6 months. As an outside observer I totally get why they didn't last. Put simply they married the wrong people and there was zero chance of rectifying that by staying and trying to maje it work. Both of my siblings met new partners quite soon afterwards and have been together for decades. They seem very happy.

My daughter married the wrong man (he was abusive) and we all wish she had left sooner because then she wouldn't have to deal with the arse for the foreseeable future. Better to leave now than bind yourself to a mistake for the rest of your life.

Despite what you might think I'm a Christian and a strong believer in marriage. I did something similar to the op. I dated for 3 months, got engaged and married 3 months after that. The big difference is that we have been happily married for 37 years now. Another big difference is that I wasn't love bombed and my husband isn't moody or lazy.

20 years ago I probably would have said the couples divorce too quickly and give up on their marriage without trying hard enough. Now I know better.

knittingaddict · 12/12/2021 08:30

@daretodenim

If you were my daughter I'd give you a big hug and help you pick a solicitor. And I'd come with you to take notes on the discussion/support. He's living in your house. You need to check that he has - or could have - no claim to it or any part of it. The sooner you have legal advice on how to get out of this with minimal financial damage, the better.

I say that because his behaviour isn't looking good. You say he's not abusive, which is great and maybe he never would be, but he's already showing signs of not being nice to you or really respecting you. The love bombing and then changing behaviour after marriage shows he can be manipulative. You do no harm to your situation by being prepared for all eventualities. Don't assume he's just going to say "Ok, no problem, I'll just pop back to my old place" because apart from everything else, he also has to admit he's made a mistake, and he may not be willing/able to do that.

I also would advise against moving out until you've had legal advice. Anyway, it's your house, you're not going to feel better knowing he's living in your house and your DD needs her own home.

Just to reassure the op, I strongly diubt that the husband has any claim on the op's property, unless he has been put on the deeds of a house. The marriage is far too short for him to have any claim. Another good reason to end it now.
PanicBuyingSprouts · 12/12/2021 08:37

If you were my DD I'd be doing everything I could to make you happy again. Absolutely no judgement as every one of us makes mistakes.

Get your happy back.

ThePants999 · 12/12/2021 08:41

To make matters worse he seems unaware of these issues

So... you're contemplating divorce when you've not even talked to him about how you're feeling?

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/12/2021 08:41

If your were my daughter I'd support you. The older I get the more I realise that very few things are worth judging someone about.

Practicebeingpatient · 12/12/2021 08:43

You made a mistake. It's unfortunate but it happened. Don't make a bigger mistake by staying in this relationship now you know it's not right for you. The sooner you end it the sooner it will be in your past.

LadyEloise1 · 12/12/2021 08:44

Those who matter won't mind ( that you want out as you are unhappy and you made a mistake - they love you )

Are finances intertwined ?
Will you lose out financially ?

Handholdtoday · 12/12/2021 08:45

OP get out now. If you didn't know/realise these things about him.. what else could there be about him you might find out further down the line ..

frazzledasarock · 12/12/2021 08:52

Oftentimes we give faaaar too much weight to what the neighbours or ‘people’ will think.

Truth is most people have their own shit to be dealing with. Don’t stay in a miserable situation because you’re worried about what others will think.

I’m sure some will be like I knew this would happen, but so what?

Don’t let this define you. But equally learn from this. You have a child to consider too.

Pinkgold1 · 12/12/2021 09:01

I wouldn’t judge you for leaving, but I do judge you for marrying a stranger and bringing him into your home, potentially endangering your dd.

billy1966 · 12/12/2021 09:05

OP,

People make mistakes but you can move on from this.

The absolute worst part is that there is an 8 year old involved.

It sounds like you lost your mind.

The worst thing you could do is remain with him.

Maybe I'm missing something but I don't see the importance of telling your parents first, you are 32 with a child?

Perhaps tell him when your daughter is with her father that it is a mistake and ask him to pack and leave.

There is no need to feel this is the end of the world.

You made a mistake.
You have ended things.
It really isn't anyone else's business.

Learn from this.

But do not allow things to drag on.

Get this done ASAP and do not share Christmas with him.

Best of luck.Flowers

Winter2020 · 12/12/2021 09:05

“If this was your daughter would you be really disappointed in her? I know my parents and friends will support me but have I disappointed them? Will I be a laughing stock? Do I just hold my hands up and admit I made a mistake?”

I think we can easily feel that other people are more concerned about our decisions than they are. How “disappointed” would you be if a friend separated after a short marriage? Not at all? You would just want to support your friend. Do what you need to do and any gossip will soon be yesterdays chip paper. My main concern for you would be practical - will you lose any assets following your separation/ can you stay in your home?

WonderfulYou · 12/12/2021 09:10

I know I am in a minority but I wouldnt rush into separating. You rushed the relationship and it didn't work out. You don't want to rush the split and regret it - or aspects of it.

I agree.

You are rushing into things way too fast. First the marriage and now the divorce.
Your poor daughter must be so confused.

You say your daughter is happy and the reason you want to split is because you’re homesick for your old life.
I’m usually the first to say end it if you’re not happy but I think you’re rushing into this. If he’s not nasty or abusive then I would wait it out a few more months for your daughters sake.
Because once you have left you absolutely cannot change your mind and get back together or with someone else as that would be so unfair to your daughter, and seeing as you’re quite impulsive I can imagine that happening.
Just slow down.

If you were my daughter I would be disappointed and judge you for marrying someone so quickly and definitely introducing them to your daughter but I absolutely wouldn’t judge you for leaving.

My friend was with someone for 15 years. They then got married and she left him the day after the wedding as she found out he’d been having a 5 year affair.
Everyone thought she did the right thing.

Does this impulsive behaviour have anything to do with your DDs dad getting a new partner or anything?

NerrSnerr · 12/12/2021 09:25

You need to sort this out ASAP for your daughters sake, so you can work on some stability for her. You need to do what is the right thing for your immediate family, you and your child and fuck what anyone else thinks.

Any future relationships need to be much slower and not introducing to your child for a long time.

awesomekilick · 12/12/2021 09:30

I'd be appalled if my DD had done what the OP did. To make that scale of a mistake at that age shows bad judgment, immaturity, and a dreadful lack of self esteem.

Id be angry if - and it is u clear if this was the case here - I'd been asked to fund the wedding. Id be worried about my GrandD.

If my Dd then left her husband id be fucking relieved.

If my DD did not reflect, take responsibility and learn from her experience id be surprised and disappointed, and worried about her emotional maturity.

frazzledasarock · 12/12/2021 09:30

I think I’m one of very very very few people who thinks and feels and would certainly back up any child of mine on.

I don’t think ‘abuse’ should be the line of acceptability for ending a relationship. Feeling incompatible, finding him lazy, just finding you can’t stand him for no reason is enough.

Otherwise you both end up miserable. You both deserve the chance to love and be loved and be in a healthy loving relationship.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 12/12/2021 09:35

I read your first post and was like “these mistakes happen”. Then I read the update that you have a young daughter snd you did this snd now I’m just 😱

Catastrophejane · 12/12/2021 09:40

My friend got married and left him after a few months. She was embarrassed about telling me ( and all our friends) but she earned a lot of respect from me for doing it.

I thought she was very brave and honest to face up to the problem.

Don’t worry- your friends and family just want you to be happy.