Why does it take men so long to take a dump?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Went to run an errand. Came back and standing in the rain knocking on door as I didn’t take my key. DH messages me “sorry, on the loo”. Can hear the children crying and running amok. Have been standing here for 10 mins now, raging. If you need to shit, surely you just do it, wipe, flush, wash your hands?!?! Women never seem to take this long - it seems utterly self indulgent and drives me mad 🤬💩 (should be an angry poo emoji)

He’s lying. He’s wrapping your Christmas present/watching porn.

Omg I feel your pain. This literally drives me insane! My DH takes around 20mins and takes in his phone and vape with him. Then he wipes and wipes and wipes and wipes. There's making sure you're clean and then there's using a whole fucking toilet roll on your ass. I could scream every day as we only have one toilet

Yeah, bastard men and their shitting. Bastards.

If couples agreed a 'no phones in the bathroom' rule I guarantee male shits would miraculously take only a few minutes.

@hanketypankety

Omg I feel your pain. This literally drives me insane! My DH takes around 20mins and takes in his phone and vape with him. Then he wipes and wipes and wipes and wipes. There's making sure you're clean and then there's using a whole fucking toilet roll on your ass. I could scream every day as we only have one toilet

There’s no delicate way to put this. Hairy male cracks need considerable wiping. Now bleach your mind and forget I ever mentioned it.

That's male shits as in the bowel movements of men not male shits as in your men are twats 😁

Sorry but he does have to finish the crossword you know.

OMG the wiping does my head in! At night all I can here is endless rip, rip, rips as individual squares get ripped off and used. No wonder it takes so long, just use a wad!!

I am so fucking glad to not have to deal with this anymore . Men are truly vile. I think they find shitting pleasurable and enjoy taking their time over it. Yuck.

It’s a control thing. My ex used to go for a shit at times when he knew others would need to use the bathroom (such as getting kids ready for school etc). After 25 minutes he’d come out and say “give it 10 minutes before you go in there” 😡😡 errr no because we’re already late now you selfish cunt.

He’d also do it when we were out - suddenly need the shitter and expect me and the kids to wait around for half hour

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 🤣🤣🤣 best caption!!

Honestly, I think there's something not right with a lot of mens digestion.

I think a) they don't eat a good diet so are mildly constipated and b) they are controlling and do not respond to their own physical signals. So women wait until their body indicates it's time to go, me decide they like going at 8am when the children need to be got ready for school, their body may not be ready at that time so they sit there forcing it!

Hairy male cracks need considerable wiping. Now bleach your mind and forget I ever mentioned it

HAHAHAHA! Thank you for cheering up a very soggy and cold person

@hanketypankety

Omg I feel your pain. This literally drives me insane! My DH takes around 20mins and takes in his phone and vape with him. Then he wipes and wipes and wipes and wipes. There's making sure you're clean and then there's using a whole fucking toilet roll on your ass. I could scream every day as we only have one toilet

Does he vape on the toilet? I don't know why but I'm really quite surprised that anyone would do it. My mum told me that our neighbour would occasionally eat a banana on the toilet and I found it quite weird.

Anyway, my husband takes absolutely ages too. He's on his phone. Sometimes he also leaves the shower on so "the water can warm up" if he's using the toilet right before showering, and then I can hear the shower wasting water for half an hour before he even gets in.

We do not have phones in the bathroom and DH still takes 40 minutes a day. Since I gave up work last year and am at home I discovered he has a second half hour session around 10 am.

(I also discovered our mainly outdoor cat naps on the bed from 10-ish to noon. That;s much more cute).

My OH takes ages too, even if he doesn't have his phone. I just don't understand it. We only have one loo so quiet often I'm on the landing desperate for the loo! I don't get it.

And then, to make things worse he's in the shower so quickly I miss my turn!!

40 minutes? How the fuck does he get up off the loo after 40 minutes? His legs must have gone totally numb.

• 40 mins a morning. then another session.

He is a vegetarian who eats mainly vegetables and legumes. So in theory his system is in good shape.

Sorry @Justheretoaskaquestion91 I nearly spat my lunch out then laughing at your post. I fully sympathise!

My DH always needs to go just before we go out anywhere, and will then spend ages in there while I wait downstairs all ready to go. He also sometimes randomly goes to the loo several times each day. I know he often plays games on his phone while on the loo

If we have to be somewhere at a certain time e.g. for a restaurant booking or whatever, he'll go into the loo for a good half hour or so before we leave

My Dad always took ages having a shit. Often stole my gameboy to play tetris whilst in the loo. But it isn't healthy, shits shouldn't hurt or take more than a few minutes at most.

I used to work with a man who at 8.20 every morning would disappear off for his morning shit in the works toilet. Grim.

Should say 20 minute shit.

Have you seen 'This is 40'?
Excellent scene with Paul Rudd on this very topic

@SeaAndSnow

- 40 mins a morning. then another session.

He is a vegetarian who eats mainly vegetables and legumes. So in theory his system is in good shape.

If I ate a load of veg every day I’d be on the loo for 40 minutes. Vegetables aren’t good for everyone! Less fibre will speed things up.

Or you can buy him sugar free Haribo bears for Christmas