Why does it take men so long to take a dump?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Went to run an errand. Came back and standing in the rain knocking on door as I didn’t take my key. DH messages me “sorry, on the loo”. Can hear the children crying and running amok. Have been standing here for 10 mins now, raging. If you need to shit, surely you just do it, wipe, flush, wash your hands?!?! Women never seem to take this long - it seems utterly self indulgent and drives me mad 🤬💩 (should be an angry poo emoji)

@IncompleteSenten

If couples agreed a 'no phones in the bathroom' rule I guarantee male shits would miraculously take only a few minutes.

This.

However, quite what women do in the bathroom that takes so long when not taking a dump is another question of the ages

A whole other thread could be (and I think recently on here was) “what takes women so long in public loos when not pooing?”

It’s a reasonable question. But this thread is about stupid men and their stupid shits.

@CorvusPurpureus

You need a shetaf installed. That'd sort out the wiping, if nothing else - you blast your bum with water, pat dry with two squares of bog roll, all done! Life changing...

What is a shetaf?

You’re probably right, Dillon, we all have our hiding places for a bit of peace. Mine is the basement folding clothes…it can take me ages.😄

I wonder if it has anything to do with how they grew up? I had 1 bathroom between 5 whereas my partner had 5 toilets for 4 people including their guest bathroom.

@Cameleongirl

I asked this question and he was totally nonplussed and said again “just don’t understand what the rush is”

It's a man thing

Some men eat a huge volume of cooked meat (cooked breakfast, lunch, tea, supper.. especially if body builder at all or just an large old fashioned man who prefers meat to much veg) and can treat going for a shit a bit like "going to read newspaper". I swear my exH did it when he headed to toilet to get out of anything like cooking or dealing with DCs

I don't miss the exH commandeering bathroom for 2-3 hours a day
Nor having to get up an hour even earlier (so 5-6am) so I could get a shower and clean my teeth before xH - due to his 1& half hour shit, shower n'shave routine each morning

Anyway my DS having grown up in female household is well trained- he uses downstairs toilet for poos

@Cameleongirl

I too enjoy folding clothes in the utility room slowly but at least at the end of that there is a folded pile of clothes, not a skid mark and an odour.

Omg! You are singing the song of my people! Today I had waited 30 minutes and finally asked him to come out as I need THAT bathroom. The other one is pretty much his and I will use it as a last resort only. When he came out he said he had been “unsuccessful”. I offered all sorts of remedies but I think he enjoys sitting there. Me, in and out in minutes, every day, after my tea, like clockwork. ALL men do this. I want to build an outhouse and banish him to it.

@NameChange776543

It’s a good point. Although we had 2 loos growing up snd I had 3 brothers and they were all pretty speedy about their business. Must ask their wives if they still are now they have families 😆

Yesterday I cleaned the house top to bottom, did a load of laundry and looked after two children in the time that my husband was --hiding from his family-- on the loo

@MadCattery

Shame he couldn’t realise lack of success after 5 mins!

So, sorry, my point was that ime many men compared to only a few women, take a long time in toilet for their poos and I think it is often about diet.
I don't think anyone having fruit smoothies each morning will be having long sits in toilet for their poos!

@MadCattery unsuccessful! 😂😂 FFS mine does this too sometimes, gives them a great excuse to retreat back in there for another hour of peace later in the day

@StruggleStreet

That must be exactly why they do it

They probably like to have a good think in there. Obvious what Robin’s sculpture is doing.

Hairy male cracks need considerable wiping. Now bleach your mind and forget I ever mentioned it

No amount of tissue will get shit plastered hair clean. Maybe men should be required to have a shower after every shit, but then they'd rarely ever leave the bathroom...

play tetris whilst in the loo

Wow, that must take an incredible amount of concentration to produce multiple angular shaped interlocking turds - and then to guide them into place sight-unseen

You need a shetaf installed. That'd sort out the wiping, if nothing else - you blast your bum with water, pat dry with two squares of bog roll, all done!

By the sounds of the efficient, practical design, I would guess that was probably a Japanese invention, or maybe German.... so why did they give it a Scottish name?

@NameChange776543

I wonder if it has anything to do with how they grew up? I had 1 bathroom between 5 whereas my partner had 5 toilets for 4 people including their guest bathroom.

No my DH grew up with one toilet between 6 people. More than one toilet in a house was unheard of for the vast majority until about 30 years ago.

@Rockieroad

Can’t remember where I heard it but apparently use efficient women are actually capable of pushing a poop out, whereas men sit and wait for gravity…

THIS! I asked my boyfriend a few weeks back and he said he “waits for it to drop out because he doesn’t want piles”!

It's unhealthy to spend more than a few minutes at the very maximum.Yes, it will give you piles. It could be down to lack of fibre or liquid in the diet. It could be due to constipation from not going when they actually feel the urge. It could be down to going when they don't actually feel the urge but think it's a convenient time. This is seriously unhealthy.. They could hasten things along with a few pints of very strong black coffee and a mustard sandwich before they go.

I remember an old Dilbert cartoon where they noticed that Wally had started to spend literally hours on end in the toilet, rather than his usual 20 minutes.

They eventually discovered that, before, he had taken his newspaper in with him; but he'd just got himself an iPad and was now surfing the internet during each session, so he now had no actual way of knowing when he'd finished

🤢 You all need to demand your partners eat more fibre. My husband takes 5 minutes or less.

My husband does this. He can spend hours in the bathroom after work.
I just asked him why, and he said it was relaxing and is a way to hid from stuff. He also said sometimes he doesn't have anywhere to go poo when he's at work so he has to train himself to go when he is at home.
He also uses his phone (nearly always) and goes for a shower after (sometimes).

I feel like there was a very similar thread on here a few months back but the sexes were reversed- IIRC, the woman had serious diarrhoea, though I may be misremembering that- and the consensus was that he should have taken his keys with him when he left.

I think if you've not taken your key you've no one to blame but yourself tbh.