Why does it take men so long to take a dump?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Went to run an errand. Came back and standing in the rain knocking on door as I didn’t take my key. DH messages me “sorry, on the loo”. Can hear the children crying and running amok. Have been standing here for 10 mins now, raging. If you need to shit, surely you just do it, wipe, flush, wash your hands?!?! Women never seem to take this long - it seems utterly self indulgent and drives me mad 🤬💩 (should be an angry poo emoji)

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@TooMinty

Going to send this thread to DH and explain his pooing system is subpar[/quote]

😂 I hope he takes it well.
And makes up to you for leaving you out in the rain!

I don’t get it either. So you sit on loo do a small poo then what wait for 20min for next poo. Surely after 20y you know your body. So get off the loo let someone in to shower use loo open front door then go back for part 2.

I take ages too, send texts, emails etc....
Then ages wiping, washing etc...I have no shame, nor do I care...

Mine is the same and it’s the thing that annoys me most about him

I went to london and my partner spent 45 minutes on the toilet in Victoria coach station at 8am, at lunch time he spent 30 minutes on the toilet and I was stood loitering like an idiot in John Lewis, 5 hours later he spent 45 minutes on the toilet in Harvey Nics and then he spent over an hour on the toilet at 11pm when we got back to the hotel. I don’t get it! He says he can’t help it but it’s all the time, multiple times a day and I know he isn’t doing anything else as we live in a rented house with a sliding bathroom door (and the landlord hasn’t fixed) that won’t close so I know he’s on the toilet the whole time. It takes me about 4 minutes every 2/3 days

My exH used to take bike magazines into the bathroom, and judging by the time spent, read them cover to cover, and he was a slooooowwww reader. We moved somewhere with 3 toilets, which was the second best move we made (divorcing being the best move).

Every male I've ever cohabited with has needed to go for a time consuming shit about 10 minutes before we're due to leave the house.

I'm in, deposit made and out of the bathroom again in about 3 minutes tops. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@NameChange776543

The thing is all of that just leaves you alone for unreasonable amounts of time in public waiting around for him. DH did this once to me early in at a restaurant but what actually happened was he was tired and had fallen asleep 😂

He's looking at porn.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91
Exactly! And half the time he doesn’t have a charged phone so I can’t just drop him a message to say “Finished looking John Lewis, I’ve popped next door” or similar.

He’s my first boyfriend (been together since I was 19 and I’m 23 now) and I thought it was just him. He doesn’t leave me in public every time we go out but when he does it’s always for over half an hour.

I think they enjoy sitting in the warm fug

There's absolutely nothing biological about this.
It's an excuse to get away from family life. Always has been. My dad used to take a book or magazine in there. Nowadays its more likely to be a phone.

@NameChange776543

It’s baffling wanting to luxuriate in a poo in a public bathroom too 🤦🏻‍♀️

DH says “I don’t understand why you would want to rush something”

Vegetarian men take way less time on the loo than meat eaters. From my own personal survey of partners. They also leave less noxious smells behind.

Phone, porn, book, crossword, constipation, quality 'me' time

Can’t remember where I heard it but apparently use efficient women are actually capable of pushing a poop out, whereas men sit and wait for gravity…

@GiantHaystacks2021

He's looking at porn.

If he's really looking at porn while he's in sole charge of waking children who are crying and being noisy outside, that is despicable behaviour.

I doubt it, though. Men taking ages shitting has been a thing since before the internet. I know my dad didn't have a magazine in there other than sometimes Private Eye, but it didn't stop him taking an absolute age.

@Phrenologistsfinger

Vegetarian men take way less time on the loo than meat eaters. From my own personal survey of partners. They also leave less noxious smells behind.

No a vegetarian husband here who spends 20 mins or so in the loo. He eats the same diet as me.

For context I gave birth to a seven pound baby in 11 minutes.

I do think it’s something biological, about how their bodies are made. Although surely there’s more room in their bodies for the poo-ing equipment, what with not having female reproductive organs in the way.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

DH says “I don’t understand why you would want to rush something”

🤣🤣 It’s a poo, not a bubble bath, why would you want to take time over it?

I feel your pain, OP, my DH is exactly the same and it’s not phone use, he was the same 20+ years ago when we met. Why don’t they want to poo and go like us, I just want to get the business over with?!

I very much identify as a man on this point. Since dc2 I cannot shoot poos out at the same rate I used to. I do try not to do it at crucial times, mostly at work during a quiet period. Quite often I browse Mumsnet.

@GlitterSquid

Also, the regularity of the shitting! I honestly don't even go every day, never mind several times a day, precisely 20mins after food.

Going every day is healthy and normal. What isn’t is spending ages per session!

a cold throne of stench

Blokes indeed spend a long time taking a dump. However, quite what women do in the bathroom that takes so long when not taking a dump is another question of the ages.

The thing is it’s not like you can prolong the pooing itself. So either you’re sitting on actually quite an uncomfortable seat with your trousers round your ankles aka a bit cold not needing to poo, or you have pooed pretty quickly and are just sitting on an uncomfortable seat in an increasingly stinky room. Neither of those is nice.

I’m now having a revenge bath. It’s delightful.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91
The first time he did it when I was 19 I thought he’d stood me up and done a runner out of another door. It was after 10 at night and dark out and I rang my mam as I was so scared about walking home alone.

He thinks the same about ‘not rushing’. It also seems to come on with no warning for him. I can easily wait until I get home.

Why don’t they want to poo and go like us, I just want to get the business over with?!

When else will you get to read Private Eye without interruption?