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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why does it take men so long to take a dump?

330 replies

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 13:11

Went to run an errand. Came back and standing in the rain knocking on door as I didn’t take my key. DH messages me “sorry, on the loo”. Can hear the children crying and running amok. Have been standing here for 10 mins now, raging. If you need to shit, surely you just do it, wipe, flush, wash your hands?!?! Women never seem to take this long - it seems utterly self indulgent and drives me mad 🤬💩 (should be an angry poo emoji)

OP posts:
iwantadogdhdoesnt · 11/12/2021 15:33

I have a 6 year old boy and a 3.5 year old girl. My daughter says she needs the toilet, sits down, goes and wipes and leaves. In and out. My boy prefers an audience, likes me to sit and have a chat with him, takes a bloody age. Must be the way they're born Wink

GrandDuchessRomanov · 11/12/2021 15:39

Dh says it takes so long because he doesn't want "winnits"

Ellen888 · 11/12/2021 15:40

@SeaAndSnow

- 40 mins a morning. then another session.

He is a vegetarian who eats mainly vegetables and legumes. So in theory his system is in good shape.

I'm a vegetarian and I can be out in 5 mins.

My DH ( non-veggie) takes at least 20 mins.

Part of that is lining the bowl with bog paper so when it drops his bum doesn't get splashed. Then he has to flush 3 times to get rid of the excess bog-paper.

I won't even mention the stench Shock

Ellen888 · 11/12/2021 15:42

@GrandDuchessRomanov

Dh says it takes so long because he doesn't want "winnits"
Are those the same as 'dingleberries' ?? Shock
oviraptor21 · 11/12/2021 15:43

I do think it’s something biological, about how their bodies are made. Although surely there’s more room in their bodies for the poo-ing equipment, what with not having female reproductive organs in the way.

You may have stumbled on the answer. Men have less stuff in there, helping to push it through?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 11/12/2021 15:44

It is actually physically unwise to sit on the look for a long time with your anal sphincter open, hoping that you might pass something. It makes the muscle weaker and in time less retentive!

I don't think the actual point of dispatch takes any longer, does it? It isn't a case of deliberately teasing it out of an open sphincter 1mm at a time: it's just the significant amount of unproductive time spent before and after the prompt delivery.

Men seem to be completely disfunctional when it comes to going to the loo. My dad, my cousin, my husband, my son. Women just go in, do it, come out. Not the male of the species though!

To be fair, that's probably what a lot of men think about women when they see the long queues outside the ladies' toilets whilst the gents is just straight in and out.

Of course, there are several obvious reasons why women need longer to use the toilet; but does anybody know if there might be a subtle difference in men's and women's poo-related plumbing and muscle structure?

Like the fact that both sexes have two arms (excepting disability), but on average, men find it much easier and quicker to swing along using monkey bars than women do. Or that thing where women can kneel and lean over forwards without losing their balance whereas men usually can't.

I've no idea if there is any actual difference in male and female bowel dispatch: just wondering if it's been examined scientifically at all.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 15:44

@PinkPiranha11

Same! 😆

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 11/12/2021 15:48

I do think it’s something biological, about how their bodies are made. Although surely there’s more room in their bodies for the poo-ing equipment, what with not having female reproductive organs in the way.

True - but men also have narrower pelvises in the first place and the structures of the two do differ in a number of ways.

PeeAche · 11/12/2021 15:51

The frequency too. I poo once a day. Occasionally twice, if I've had a lot to eat the day before, or I'm unwell. Sometimes less than once, if I'm off my food.

My DH takes himself to luxuriate in the shitting THREE times a day.

It amounts to about 90 minutes a day! Do you know what I can get done in 90 minutes? Several loads of washing, for a start. A supermarket shop. A roast fucking dinner. I could change all of the beds 10 times!!! 😅

It's such a waste of time. And his arse ends up with this unsightly red ring around it. Like a dart board.

Shodan · 11/12/2021 15:52

We have a small loo room. It houses only the loo, and if you did chicken elbows you'd be able to touch the walls either side. It does have a window, which opens with the magic of a handle.

XH used to go in, sit there for a minimum of 20 minutes, then wipe, flush etc and carefully enclose the resulting stench in that small room. Not once did he open the bloody window, or even use the air freshener I thoughtfully supplied.

Which meant, of course, that some poor unsuspecting soul (usually me) would open the loo door and be hit with the poo equivalent of mustard gas.

When we eventually divorced, and he would come round to pick up ds2, he would inexplicably 'need' to use the loo. And it was ALWAYS for a poo. After a few of these occurrences I started to ask what he needed for and denying permission if he needed a shit.

He quickly learned that he was no longer allowed to 'mark his territory' and, one assumes, did his business elsewhere from then on.

RobinsReliant · 11/12/2021 15:53

@DeepaBeesKit

Honestly, I think there's something not right with a lot of mens digestion.

I think a) they don't eat a good diet so are mildly constipated and b) they are controlling and do not respond to their own physical signals. So women wait until their body indicates it's time to go, me decide they like going at 8am when the children need to be got ready for school, their body may not be ready at that time so they sit there forcing it!

YES!!!!! I think you have nailed it @DeepaBeesKit
DiamondBright · 11/12/2021 15:56

I had a line manager who would disappear off for a leisurely shit mid morning and while he was in there you'd get an email from him, I didn't like that !!

thismeansnothing · 11/12/2021 15:57

@NMC2022

They don't tend to do it at work (well not at my work anyway!) If someone was away from their desk for 30 mins my boss would be "wtf you doing"
At DH work they do. He does data and performance kind of work and noticed a particular employee was logged out of the phone system for "toilet breaks" that accumulated the equivalent of a month of working time 🤣 had to have a meeting to make sure it wasn't another issue they needed to make allowances for.
Fifteentoes · 11/12/2021 15:57

I'd be interested to know whether there are any peer reviewed double blind studies objectively measuring the speed of male vs female bowel movements.

Cos my daughter takes bloody forever.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 11/12/2021 15:57

Dh says it takes so long because he doesn't want "winnits"

Are those the same as 'dingleberries' ??

They're also referred to as 'dagtails' (I think that might be specifically in a farm animal context, though).

Nobody under 40 will remember it, but there was a very sad army-related song by Stan Ridgway called 'Camouflage', with the line "Here, take his dogtag, sonny - I know he'd want you to have it now". I used to find it hilarious to change 'dogtag' to 'dagtail' - and then feel incredibly guilty afterwards for laughing.

GuineaPigPosie · 11/12/2021 15:59

I don't understand it either Grin DF has to shower after every time he uses the loo. So if he's got a stomach bug... Hmm

My older brother used to go in to take a dump and would be in there forever. I'd go in after and he'd left his VR headset thing on the floor by the toilet where he'd obviously been watching VR porn after shitting Confused men Grin

Holothane · 11/12/2021 15:59

Phone in toilet not in this house.

IncompleteSenten · 11/12/2021 16:05

"This is simply not true. I remember my dad in the 80s/90s taking a newspaper or magazine in to the loo with him to read/pass the time."

I don't get what you're trying to say. Before people had mobile phones with internet access they would take a paper or magazine in to read and that means they aren't on the loo longer because of the phone? The medium may have changed but not the behaviour.

It's still sitting in there reading. If anything, it's supporting my opinion that they faff about in there. 😂

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 11/12/2021 16:09

My dh is the same. Phone goes in with him and he takes 40 minutes. I take about 5 max. No one can enter whilst he's in there too whereas when I go in I have DD following me and cat1 climbs on my lap. I sum up my toilet life with this one picture. I had a shower other day, Dd6 came in asking what I was doing. It suddenly felt cold, I told her to shut door. She did but she was still in there with me staring at me. I meant go out and shut door. Grin

Why does it take men so long to take a dump?
Panacotta · 11/12/2021 16:11

Yep. Fuckers. The lot of them! 💩

SpanielsAreMyLife · 11/12/2021 16:11

If I'm ever sent to prison, DH's shitting habits will be at the top of the list of the reasons why I've murdered him. I'm hoping for lots of female jurors.

CandidClarisse · 11/12/2021 16:28

I always assumed if men took ages in the bathroom, they were masturbating, especially if they take their phones etc.

fakereview · 11/12/2021 16:36

I've no idea if there is any actual difference in male and female bowel dispatch: just wondering if it's been examined scientifically at all

It's a good point. All I can say about my husband is that he won't go anywhere but at home. So he can need to go at work, but saves it until he gets home! If we are away eg staying in a hotel, I have to go out of the hotel room so he has complete privacy, he doesn't like it if there is someone outside the bathroom.

Whereas if I need to go, I go, even in the mankiest public toilet.

JudgeJ · 11/12/2021 16:41

@IncompleteSenten

If couples agreed a 'no phones in the bathroom' rule I guarantee male shits would miraculously take only a few minutes.
Not sure about that, it's a problem that precedes mobile phones!
JudgeJ · 11/12/2021 16:45

'predates, not 'precedes' !

My late OH used to quite jealous of how quickly I could do it! I called it my SAS training, get in, do the job, get out as quickly as possible. Do all men also expect to 'perform' at the same time? If he hadn't been by 9 30 he was very worried, the idea that it might happen later was always pooh-poohed, pun intended.

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