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Original poster

Why does it take men so long to take a dump?

330 replies

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 13:11

Went to run an errand. Came back and standing in the rain knocking on door as I didn’t take my key. DH messages me “sorry, on the loo”. Can hear the children crying and running amok. Have been standing here for 10 mins now, raging. If you need to shit, surely you just do it, wipe, flush, wash your hands?!?! Women never seem to take this long - it seems utterly self indulgent and drives me mad 🤬💩 (should be an angry poo emoji)

OP posts:
Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 13/12/2021 03:38

@WhatScratch

Great use of that meme 👏🏻

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 13/12/2021 04:06

Recently I'd be sitting there 40mins having a poo. My excuse is I'd fractured my shoulder, was on opiate based painkillers which have unfortunate side effects.

It's much better now, I can tell you....but it's not always men!

aurynne · 13/12/2021 06:08

@DillonPanthersTexas

Yes, apart from a number of men confirming it, it is well known that men love to stimulate their prostate. Plenty of anal toys in the sex industry will confirm this. Why do you find this hard to believe?

Why are you conflating anal sex toys with having a shit. Yes, prostrate stimulation as part of foreplay,/sex is a thing but the notion that blokes get sexually turned on everytime they take a dump sounds like something from some third rate glossy magazine pop psychology bullshit.

Why don't you just ask some men? Their answers may surprise you. i wouldn't have believed it until I started asking them. And they were surprised too, that for us defecating was not "pleasurable" in a sexual way.
Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 13/12/2021 07:14

@aurynne

DH says this is “absurd”
But that’s just him 😬

OP posts:
Fomofo · 13/12/2021 07:23

I've always thought the prostate had something to do with it

plinkplinkfizzer · 13/12/2021 07:28

I did read once a couple of yrs ago about a man who had a bowel prolapse after sitting so long on the loo . Let that be a lesson .
Might it have something to do with men usually stand to pee , so needing to sit to go to the toilet is treated as something like an event .😣

DillonPanthersTexas · 13/12/2021 07:52

Why don't you just ask some men? Their answers may surprise you.

FGS, I am a man, I don't take some weird sexual pleasure everytime I take a dump. Pretty sure most of my male friends and associates don't either. It's just a normal body function. Let's just think this through, if taking a shit is a sexually arousing experience (some men even orgasm according to a few on here), don't you think that trying to pee (as most people do when defecating) while sitting down on the toilet while sporting an erection is going to be a bit difficult or messy?

This thread is like listening to a bunch of young virgin teenage boys try to describe what sex is like.

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 13/12/2021 09:10

This thread is like listening to a bunch of young virgin teenage boys try to describe what sex is like

Made me LOL

OP posts:
Bangolads · 13/12/2021 09:23

@danorak yep that’s a sane response all men are vile because they take a long time in the loo and wiping their bums 🤔

Coronawireless · 13/12/2021 09:24

@Sonex

OMG the wiping does my head in! At night all I can here is endless rip, rip, rips as individual squares get ripped off and used. No wonder it takes so long, just use a wad!!
😂
danorak · 13/12/2021 09:38

@Bangolads 😁

Bathcubesfromthe80s · 13/12/2021 09:52

MY H takes around 40 mins for a shit. He takes the phone in and laughs out loudly while watching whatever crap he is watching. He also has to goes straight after eating dinner (waits till he his home to go if we have eaten out. He wont take a shit in a pub/restaurant no matter how desperate he is). The bathroom fucking stinks after he's been. He leaves lumps of shit in/around the pan, not just your standard skid marks. He never uses the bleach by the loo. He has has a red ring around his arse and back of thighs, being the mark of the loo seat where he sat on it for so long. I'm not allowed to be anywhere near the bathroom door while he goes (our shoe rack and coat stand which houses my handbag are both outside the downstairs loo). If I'm downstairs then i can hear him shitting. He has IBS and often splatters the bowl with shit as he goes.

A friend of mine once claims he once ate his sunday roast while sitting on the loo taking a dump. Beyond gross.

Coronawireless · 13/12/2021 09:53

@BellaTheDarkOverlord

My dh is the same. Phone goes in with him and he takes 40 minutes. I take about 5 max. No one can enter whilst he's in there too whereas when I go in I have DD following me and cat1 climbs on my lap. I sum up my toilet life with this one picture. I had a shower other day, Dd6 came in asking what I was doing. It suddenly felt cold, I told her to shut door. She did but she was still in there with me staring at me. I meant go out and shut door. Grin
Fantastic photo! Is that yours or one you found on tinternet?
Coronawireless · 13/12/2021 09:54

I meant this photo

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/12/2021 09:57

It is rather weird how many people are assuming that all men must be routinely going to the toilet for sexual thrills - watching porn, masturbating, getting off on the poo teasing their prostate on its departure etc. I hear that there is a particular fetish involving poo, but however gross some men can be, I really can't believe that many/most of them find the whole pooing business erotically pleasing.

As PP said, it's a bit like Prince Charles men assuming that women must be sneaking off to the bog for a cheeky thrill to treat themselves to a change of sanitary wear, to enjoy all the sensations of messing around down there in their 'sexy zone'.

There may be some, but aside from any possibly biological differences that there may/may not be (e.g. men not really in tune with their pelvic floor the way that women have to be), surely most of them are just taking their time/having a read/avoiding family duties or similar.

I also think there might be some truth in the fact that women sit down every time, so it's a multi-time daily occurrence; but if it's the one 'sit-down job' of the day for a man, that might make it something more of an occasion, as he's already made the 'special effort' rather than just unzipping, spraying weeing, re-zipping and leaving?!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/12/2021 10:04

A friend of mine once claims he once ate his sunday roast while sitting on the loo taking a dump. Beyond gross.

I once shared student accommodation with a bloke who would take a huge tupperware container of Weetabix in with him and sit there eating it (dry) whilst going about his business. I think he must have been aiming for maximum efficiency by making himself into a perpetual motion (sorry!) machine?! But he was weird in a lot of ways....

OverTheRubicon · 13/12/2021 10:17

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll were you reading the same thread? Almost every poster assumes men are doing it to rest and mostly to avoid domestic chores / childcare etc, nothing sexual.

SloeFox · 13/12/2021 12:25

For years I thought DH was taking so long to avoid chores (because he times his for before the school run). But actually he does take this long. If we have to be up out and about early he will set his alarm for 45 minutes earlier than usual so he can get his full time in.

It used to drive me mad. But I actually pointed out to him that he is avoiding a critical part of the family day and so now we have a deal where I do the morning stuff and he does all the evening stuff. I am usually in bed by 9 pm reading while he finishes up with the kitchen and the animals and the final bits of making sure the DCs are in bed.

It took about 16 years though before we got to this point!!! I think on the whole I have the better deal tbh!

CulturePigeon · 13/12/2021 13:26

A bit off topic, but I used to work in a school where, every morning without fail, the postman would come in (having asked the caretaker, not the teaching staff) and go to the gents. The smell permeated the whole ground floor of the building. We nicknamed him 'Postman Poo'.

He must have had a very predictable digestive transit!

DoncasterHombre · 13/12/2021 14:23

Inspired by this thread, I've just been for a big poo and it was orgasmic - like being bummed in reverse (I imagine, never actually having been bummed). I was inspired to think of it that way having seen a previous poster tell me that my poo "rubs on my g-spot" and will now be spending even more time in there so, Mumsnet, you have inspired me to spend more time in the toilet and I thank you for it.

JudgeJ · 13/12/2021 14:32

@DillonPanthersTexas

Why don’t they want to poo and go like us, I just want to get the business over with?!

When else will you get to read Private Eye without interruption?

If he hadn't already died I would have murdered him if he had taken my Private EYe into the loo for his long sit! He wouldn't have taken it, he wouldn't have been able to ask me to explain things!
user1471423151 · 13/12/2021 15:16

To answer a couple of couple of suggestions/ points:

“Turn off the WiFi”. Ermmm….3 / 4G??

“I bet they don’t take 30 mins+ at work “. Yes actually, always have. The trick is to ensure no one actually knows what you are doing or where you need to be. Add in a few mumbled comments along the lines of “I need to speak to Dave about that report” as you slope off, phone in pocket (used to smuggle magazines in under my shirt and tie before the days of smartphones / internet) for a leisurely 30 min dump.

It’s all in the planning.

Mirw · 13/12/2021 15:17

May be constipated and needs more fibre in his diet?

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 13/12/2021 15:40

@Mirw

Everyone’s husbands on the thread are constipated?! Dulcolax are about to make a killing!

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/12/2021 16:42

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll were you reading the same thread? Almost every poster assumes men are doing it to rest and mostly to avoid domestic chores / childcare etc, nothing sexual.

@OverTheRubicon - Yes, I've read the whole thread, and I was reacting to the posters who have pondered/assumed sexual motives. I realise that most people are suggesting more mundane motives, but quite a few have gone from that angle.