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Original poster

Why does it take men so long to take a dump?

330 replies

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 13:11

Went to run an errand. Came back and standing in the rain knocking on door as I didn’t take my key. DH messages me “sorry, on the loo”. Can hear the children crying and running amok. Have been standing here for 10 mins now, raging. If you need to shit, surely you just do it, wipe, flush, wash your hands?!?! Women never seem to take this long - it seems utterly self indulgent and drives me mad 🤬💩 (should be an angry poo emoji)

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/12/2021 13:34

I have often pondered this. I also get unreasonably annoyed at how pleased with themselves they are after successfully achieving a massive dump. I suppose we all have our simple pleasures in life, but I would be appalled if I created such a stink.

SeaAndSnow · 11/12/2021 13:35

I just tell him that he has rubbish sphincter control.

converseandjeans · 11/12/2021 13:35

To get out of having to do stuff round the house
To get some peace and quiet
To have a wank

My Dad used to take ages when we were kids - when we were older he didn't. He used to take the newspaper in with him.

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 13:38

He’s lying. He’s wrapping your Christmas present/watching porn

The current smell in the house suggests otherwise (oh yes, he used the downstairs loo next to the kitchen, for extra bellend points!)

Everyone is really cheering me up, thank you. Makes me feel better that it’s not just my husband.

OP posts:
TheTeenageYears · 11/12/2021 13:40

@DeepaBeesKit

Honestly, I think there's something not right with a lot of mens digestion.

I think a) they don't eat a good diet so are mildly constipated and b) they are controlling and do not respond to their own physical signals. So women wait until their body indicates it's time to go, me decide they like going at 8am when the children need to be got ready for school, their body may not be ready at that time so they sit there forcing it!

I think you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Definitely the case in DH's case.
DuchessSilver · 11/12/2021 13:41

They go when they're not ready! They decide they want a poo, then go and spend ages forcing some out, and then they need to go back later to force some more. Much more efficient to wait until you actually need a poo.

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 13:44

They go when they're not ready! They decide they want a poo, then go and spend ages forcing some out, and then they need to go back later to force some more

This has to be correct. There’s no other explanation! It’s just such an odd thing to do; like the male equivalent of soaking in a bath but instead of a warm bath with nice smells it’s a cold throne of stench.

OP posts:
NMC2022 · 11/12/2021 13:45

They don't tend to do it at work (well not at my work anyway!)
If someone was away from their desk for 30 mins my boss would be "wtf you doing"

TooMinty · 11/12/2021 13:45

My theory is that men are badly designed and women have superior muscles and control - if we can push out a baby then a shit is easy...

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 13:45

@SeaAndSnow

No phones in the bathroom but in there for 40 mins would be dire!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 13:46

@TooMinty

Going to send this thread to DH and explain his pooing system is subpar

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 11/12/2021 13:47

Were you actually in the rain, and actually outside for 10 minutes?

This thread has taken a fairly, “men 🙄” lighthearted tone, but I don’t think there’s anything lighthearted about being in the rain for 10 minutes.

I have IBS and am no stranger to problematic bowel movements, and long toilet sessions. But unless I wasn’t physically able, I’d have had a quick wipe, aborted the movement, washed by hands and dashed down to unlock.

No surprised that his lengthy urge to shit came when you were out on a short errand and you have young children. 🙄

mnp321 · 11/12/2021 13:48

I'd take 20 minutes over his up to an hour. At least twice a day. I think Candy Crush may be partly to blame.

Chasingaftermidnight · 11/12/2021 13:49

I think they do it to escape household/parenting duties.

EveningOverRooftops · 11/12/2021 13:49

Those with DHs who do a ‘just before you leave’ shit.

Do they drink coffee? If so that could be the reason they suddenly need to go for a massive drop just as you’re about to go out.

Great at making things move when you need it too. Not so great for use.

Chocolatewheatos · 11/12/2021 13:50

There’s no delicate way to put this. Hairy male cracks need considerable wiping. Now bleach your mind and forget I ever mentioned it.

There's no delicate way to put this. Unless waxed, most womens cracks are also a tad hairy. Shit doesn't slide off our hairless oiled cheeks like a fried egg off a JML frying pan. If it takes you 20 minutes to scrub your bum beard you might want to consider a trim.

I'd be Impressed if DH only took 20 minutes. Half the time I think he's been for a nap or to work when he comes strolling back in!

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 13:50

Were you actually in the rain, and actually outside for 10 minutes?

Yes, although he is saying it was 3 minutes 🤨 and yes we have a porch covering thing but rain doesn’t care about falling directionally down so I was getting f wet from side rain. Thanks, side rain.

OP posts:
PriamFarrl · 11/12/2021 13:50

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

They go when they're not ready! They decide they want a poo, then go and spend ages forcing some out, and then they need to go back later to force some more

This has to be correct. There’s no other explanation! It’s just such an odd thing to do; like the male equivalent of soaking in a bath but instead of a warm bath with nice smells it’s a cold throne of stench.

I had a boyfriend who would refuse to leave the house until he’d had a shit, even if he didn’t need one. He was worried that he’d get caught short while he was out, which I understand. He used to be ages and this was long before mobile phones.

DH once said that we didn’t need two loos in our house as there is just two of us. I pointed out that a number of times I’ve used the downstairs one while he’s been upstairs luxuriating in a shit.

NMC2022 · 11/12/2021 13:51

@Chocolatewheatos

There’s no delicate way to put this. Hairy male cracks need considerable wiping. Now bleach your mind and forget I ever mentioned it.

There's no delicate way to put this. Unless waxed, most womens cracks are also a tad hairy. Shit doesn't slide off our hairless oiled cheeks like a fried egg off a JML frying pan. If it takes you 20 minutes to scrub your bum beard you might want to consider a trim.

I'd be Impressed if DH only took 20 minutes. Half the time I think he's been for a nap or to work when he comes strolling back in!

That ^^ Get a bidet bottle and some soap or wipes or trim
Hawkins001 · 11/12/2021 13:51

If it's an emergency situation, 5 mins, if it's normal toilets, then 10 mins if it's toilets with tablet around 20 mins

TheRigatonini · 11/12/2021 13:51

OMG this is such a good question, I always wonder this too. I don’t understand people taking their phones or a magazine or book to the loo. Surely it takes only seconds / a minute or so at most to go — why make an event of it? My DP will disappear for a solid (ha!) 15 minutes. Why? Don’t get it.

AiryFairyLights · 11/12/2021 13:52

@IncompleteSenten

If couples agreed a 'no phones in the bathroom' rule I guarantee male shits would miraculously take only a few minutes.
Sorry you’re wrong - my hubby doesn’t take his phone, no magazines etc etc - 20 minutes minimum - I don’t get it!
CorvusPurpureus · 11/12/2021 13:53

You need a shetaf installed. That'd sort out the wiping, if nothing else - you blast your bum with water, pat dry with two squares of bog roll, all done! Life changing...

GlitterSquid · 11/12/2021 13:53

Also, the regularity of the shitting!
I honestly don't even go every day, never mind several times a day, precisely 20mins after food.

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