Why does it take men so long to take a dump?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Went to run an errand. Came back and standing in the rain knocking on door as I didn’t take my key. DH messages me “sorry, on the loo”. Can hear the children crying and running amok. Have been standing here for 10 mins now, raging. If you need to shit, surely you just do it, wipe, flush, wash your hands?!?! Women never seem to take this long - it seems utterly self indulgent and drives me mad 🤬💩 (should be an angry poo emoji)

My dh is one of those miracle men who can be in and out in under 10 mins

It stinks though so not quite a miracle and he actually goes quicker to avoid sitting in his own stench

I think that some must be rendered semi conscious for a while due to the noxious fumes.

@WhatDidISayAlan

I JUST ASKED DH AND HE SAID THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TOO! NO FUCKING WONDER!!!!!! Mind you, he did get haemorrhoids a few weeks ago and says he needs to be “extra careful” 😆

No amount of tissue will get shit plastered hair clean. Maybe men should be required to have a shower after every shit, but then they'd rarely ever leave the bathroom

I wouldn’t mind but we have wet wipes

I think if you've not taken your key you've no one to blame but yourself tbh

I did not anticipate the poo timings. If it were me I would have waited until DH came back/could watch the children

Can’t remember where I heard it but apparently use efficient women are actually capable of pushing a poop out, whereas men sit and wait for gravity…

Maybe there is something baked into the sex-specific biology that gives women the natural instinct to push when things 'down there' need to be ejected from the body, which men simply do not have.

The same thing in reverse happens at petrol stations - when the tank is full and the pump trigger released, men always give it a good old vigorous shake to get all of the last reluctant drops out, but for some reason, women never seem to have the same innate behavioural reaction to do this

@OverTheRubicon thank you for posting that link about the woman who booked herself a weekend holiday and left while her husband was still on the toilet. I think I’ll print that out for some light reading in the bathroom.

This is so disgusting and unattractive imo.

My DH takes a few mins, same as me. I couldn't live with someone who took so long.

@NMC2022

They don't tend to do it at work (well not at my work anyway!) If someone was away from their desk for 30 mins my boss would be "wtf you doing"

I know someone who would disappear for an hour at the same time each day with a newspaper. He was lazy in all aspects of work, but management were too cowardly to get rid.

@Chasingaftermidnight

I think they do it to escape household/parenting duties.

Not necessarily true, plenty of single men take ages too.

Why anyone would take a phone in a bathroom is just mind boggling, that’s really repulsive

Prevent him taking his phone in with him, I guarantee he'll be quicker!

You do get the very occasional woman who isn't in and out in two minutes with zero drama....

www.bristolpost.co.uk/news/bristol-news/woman-threw-poo-out-window-429022

I'd go nuts if I was forced to wait outside with kids in the rain because he was waiting for gravity. Pull pants up, answer fucking door then go back to it if you must. Selfish git !

Learn how to bear down a bit.

DH often takes a good 20 miks but in his defence he does have IBS. I'll never live in house with just 1 bathroom again with him! There were a few close calls when we were renting and only had 1 toilet

It is certainly a weird thing! It is actually physically unwise to sit on the look for a long time with your anal sphincter open, hoping that you might pass something. It makes the muscle weaker and in time less retentive!

On the loo!

My DF used to do it many decades ago, so nothing to do with watching porn. He used to take the newspaper in and say in lofty tones, ‘I am going to commune with my soul’.

But my personal theory is that when they make the most of it, by stretching it out, so to speak, it stinks the place out that much more.

And their primeval instincts (most blokes are largely primeval anyway, aren’t they?) means they need to mark their territory with their scent, like dogs peeing a few drops up against several trees, or a hamster instantly peeing in the nice clean bedding you’ve just provided. Not to mention an un-neutered tom cat doing his stinky pees all over the house.

That’s my theory anyway, and I’m sticking to it. 🙂

@IncompleteSenten

If couples agreed a 'no phones in the bathroom' rule I guarantee male shits would miraculously take only a few minutes.

This is simply not true. I remember my dad in the 80s/90s taking a newspaper or magazine in to the loo with him to read/pass the time.

My dad used to smoke when he went for a poo 🤢

For years I thought his poo smelled of cigarettes.

I asked my father. Apparently they don’t push which doesn’t surprise me or my mother. He takes a minimum of half an hour in fact I’ll call and say I’m about 45 minutes away and she will send him off to the toilet.

Watching my “d”h while I’m showering take a poo as well I see no straining on his face, however he does scroll Facebook during the day when up there (no lock open door kinda thing) I tell him if he spent as much time pushing as he did scrolling he would be done ages ago.

My hubby doesn't take long at all. In fact, I think I take longer than him!

Men seem to be completely disfunctional when it comes to going to the loo. My dad, my cousin, my husband, my son. Women just go in, do it, come out. Not the male of the species though!

I don't push either. We have a small stool (no pun intended) and I put my feet on it. Makes things much easier and you're far less likely to get piles!

I’ve literally had a 9lb baby in less time than my DH takes to do a shit, I’m actually not joking. It drives me mental. So selfish.