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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really sad and upset at DH?

177 replies

Suspiciousmind20 · 09/12/2021 22:40

I work longer hours than DH who does a few hours here and there. I’m the main breadwinner. We moved recently and I was concerned re the longer commute and how I could continue to keep family life ticking along (I held the ‘mental load’ back then and was worried I wouldn’t have the energy to do it all still). DH reassured me that he’d take on more responsibility for life stuff as the change meant a drop in hours for him.

We have struggled. I still had the mental load. He didn’t really do the housework. So we now have a system. Bit better with house keeping now.

But recently, on his childcare day, when I’m working, he’s forgotten things like Xmas jumper day, Xmas school lunch for DS and said he’d order the Xmas cards DS designed at school but didn’t.

I just feel gutted for DS because he’s missed out. I don’t want to take over - it feels unfair that I still have the mental load for his days when I am at work and he may be does a couple of hours). But I can’t let this continue to happen to DS.

I feel trapped. If I take over I feel resentful. If I leave him to it this stuff happens a lot. He’s intelligent and has a good memory but he just doesn’t put thought into it and kind of drifts along. He’s great in lots of ways but this feels crap. I feel like crying for DS who is trying to fit into a new class.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 09/12/2021 22:58

If this was me, I'm afraid I'd just take over the school things...your husband doesn't seem able to do it for whatever reason.

BUT I would put something else on him to balance things out. So think of something you do that doesn't involve DS and make your husband do that.

NumberTheory · 09/12/2021 23:02

What’s his response to your concern that he’s lazy and letting his son down? (Hopefully worded more tactfully than that, but not less clearly).

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2021 23:02

I would not enable him to be a useless fuckwit. Tell him to sort out a workable system, use the calendar on his phone, whatever, but he needs to grow the fuck up and be an adult.

Fleabagcounty · 09/12/2021 23:05

You'll get people suggesting rota, calendar etc but in my opinion it's just another thing women have to organise and police.
The usual 'just tell me what needs doing' trope. Which means you might as well have done it yourself because half of the time is checking they've done it. They haven't or have half done it. You either do it yourself and tell them. They then say 'I was just going to do that' or 'you should have just told me'.
Or in my case, the one time I didn't check that school uniform had been washed because they said 'I've done washing'. What they really meant was that yes technically they'd done washing. But had cherry picked out the easiest way of being able to say this, by picking out a few towels and washing them. Overlooking the hamper full of school uniforms and items that would have taken time to hang up to dry.

They never change get him to pay for a cleaner out of his fun money?
Shared online calendar, that only works if he looks at it. It'll be you updating it.
Divorce?

BabyofMine · 09/12/2021 23:07

I would ask him, calmly but clearly, why doesn’t he care that his son misses out and is upset about missing out?
Because the only reason a competent adult doesn’t take care of things like that is because they don’t care.

(Unless there’s something you aren’t telling us about your DH like neurodivergence).

DisasterPasta · 09/12/2021 23:09

This is so tough and I really feel for you. Have you heard of strategic incompetence?

timeisnotaline · 09/12/2021 23:09

If my husband was barely working and also missing all the school admin I’d be falling out of love with him very quickly.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 09/12/2021 23:10

Yes, his response to this will make a big difference to the advice you get. What does he say?

Fleabagcounty · 09/12/2021 23:11

@FortunesFave

If this was me, I'm afraid I'd just take over the school things...your husband doesn't seem able to do it for whatever reason.

BUT I would put something else on him to balance things out. So think of something you do that doesn't involve DS and make your husband do that.

Yeah something that negatively impacts only him if it's not done.

I find making my husband fix the messes he makes by only completing half a job or not doing it at all.
Yeah he's furious cleaning or redoing a job properly but why should I do it properly after he's supposed to have done it?

Changemusthappen · 09/12/2021 23:18

I think a lot of women face this problem. For many of us passing over the mental load means it doesn't get done and this affects DC. When if affects us we can manage this by just never expecting our husbands/partners to step up (and then doing the same to them). I'm afraid I think many men are just so self centred and selfish. They also for some reason don't understand why these things are important to DCs.

I would not let DC go without or miss out because my DH is so self centred and selfish. However what I would do is absolutely stop doing anything for my DH. I look at it like this, I have box that can only fit so much mental load - mine is filled with my DC and my needs (mainly).

Don't mess around, don't ask him why he forgot, don't approach it as if you are in charge and he is answerable, don't allow him to get away with it. What was his reaction when DS mentioned that it had been missed or is DS coming to you? DS needs to go to your DH and express his disappointment. Push it back on him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2021 23:19

Is he not upset by DS being upset? That would worry me the most.

One of those should have been enough. Everyone can have a crap day or a slip up but to realise he’d let his child down and then continuing to fuck up is really awful.

Why doesn’t he care? I’d go at it from that angle.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/12/2021 23:21

Could he increase his hours and you drop yours so that when you end up sorting all this kind of thing you at least have time to do it? What does he say about it when your son is disappointed?

Obsidiansphere · 09/12/2021 23:22

That would piss me off! Yanbu

RandomMess · 09/12/2021 23:28

Well what does he do and carry the mental load for?

DH did all food, meal, shopping, ordering, putting away, cooking etc plus all the laundry - washing, drying, folding - I wash and iron my own "delicate" work stuff though. Nothing else gets ironed. Bedding I have to ask for it to be charged but he does it all stripped, washed, dried, clean back on.

He does Dr and dentist appointments for the DC too.

NumberTheory · 09/12/2021 23:29

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Could he increase his hours and you drop yours so that when you end up sorting all this kind of thing you at least have time to do it? What does he say about it when your son is disappointed?
I agree with him picking up hours, but don't drop yours and jeopardise your financial future. You may well be doing it all solo soon - this sort of thing is liable to destroy your respect for him.
PussInBin20 · 09/12/2021 23:30

YANBU. I could never trust my DH to do any of this. Tbh I just think men are wired different to us. I know this sounds a cop out but my DH just wouldn’t see this stuff as a priority for him.

Personally I would do it so that neither you nor your son are upset again but I would make sure your DH knows and give him another job to be responsible for.

Probably not what you want to hear but what’s the alternative? Rubbish isn’t it?

Foolsrule · 09/12/2021 23:33

If my DH doesn’t bother to do things now, I tell the DC he’s forgotten. Harsh but he can remember things just as well as I can, he just can’t be arsed. It’s sad but they’re old enough to understand which parent puts in the effort and which one doesn’t.

MissMinutes24 · 09/12/2021 23:35

I swear I post this on every other thread but read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.

One of the things she suggests is having regular "meetings" to discuss admin. That alone has really changed things in my household.

Undisclosedlocation · 09/12/2021 23:40

So he works a tiny little bit here and there and can’t be arsed to sort things out for his son, despite knowing it upsets his child?
He sounds bone idle and not very pleasant quite frankly

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 09/12/2021 23:41

I suppose he thinks he's helping you out when he does childcare things, and that you really ought to be telling him what needs to be done.

It's depressingly classic. Of course he's intelligent and hard working. It is absolutely not beyond him to get organised for school things. He just thinks that it's your job so he doesn't make any effort.

Don't forget to thank him for helping you out. Xmas Angry

Camomila · 09/12/2021 23:44

Tbh I just think men are wired different to us

Socialised differently sure, but it's not impossible for them to learn to do this stuff. DH manages to work full time and do 90% of the school/nursery admin.

(I do drs and dentists).

HunterGatherer · 09/12/2021 23:44

He sounds like a bit of a Boris (lazy, incompetent git) to be honest.
What does he bring to your relationship?

Fidgetty · 10/12/2021 00:18

Tbh I just think men are wired different to us

No it's just these types have been told from birth that they are and behave accordingly IME. To them it's "women's work" and they don't feel responsible for it.

I would tell him straight that he's letting his son down. Things like this are really upsetting for small DC, make sure you drive that point home that his selfish behaviour is causing upset to your child. In regards to a solution, we have a big planner hung up in the kitchen and EVERYTHING goes on there. I find the visual of a physical calendar works better than a phone as you can't miss it and even the DC ask "what's on the calendar" in the mornings. Get one, put it in a prominent spot - ours is beside the kettle so in our line of vision multiple times per day - and tell him to look at it every single day to see what's on/what's coming up. Then things will run smoothly. You won't have to take over the organising, just maybe occasionally writing something on there.

Bunnycat101 · 10/12/2021 00:25

How many hours are a few? It sounds like he either should pick up more hours or crack on with being a sahp and stop being so shit. I would say though that in our year I think it would be much harder for a dad than a mum to deal with the school stuff. The mum’s WhatsApp is buzzing with reps issuing reminders etc. don’t think my husband has ever had a message like that on the dads’ group tbh. It’s always the mums that are reps etc.

Shuffalo · 10/12/2021 00:42

I really think it’s a male problem of ‘women’s work’. DH acts completely incapable of organising anything to do with the DC, or any household admin or housework at all frankly. He once refused to take a cheque to be paid in at the post office at the top of our road as the process was ‘too confusing’. This is a man in a very senior management position. It seriously pisses me off.