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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really sad and upset at DH?

177 replies

Suspiciousmind20 · 09/12/2021 22:40

I work longer hours than DH who does a few hours here and there. I’m the main breadwinner. We moved recently and I was concerned re the longer commute and how I could continue to keep family life ticking along (I held the ‘mental load’ back then and was worried I wouldn’t have the energy to do it all still). DH reassured me that he’d take on more responsibility for life stuff as the change meant a drop in hours for him.

We have struggled. I still had the mental load. He didn’t really do the housework. So we now have a system. Bit better with house keeping now.

But recently, on his childcare day, when I’m working, he’s forgotten things like Xmas jumper day, Xmas school lunch for DS and said he’d order the Xmas cards DS designed at school but didn’t.

I just feel gutted for DS because he’s missed out. I don’t want to take over - it feels unfair that I still have the mental load for his days when I am at work and he may be does a couple of hours). But I can’t let this continue to happen to DS.

I feel trapped. If I take over I feel resentful. If I leave him to it this stuff happens a lot. He’s intelligent and has a good memory but he just doesn’t put thought into it and kind of drifts along. He’s great in lots of ways but this feels crap. I feel like crying for DS who is trying to fit into a new class.

OP posts:

UsernameInTheTown · 10/12/2021 05:50

DD7 sets alarms on my phone for anything important. She loves 'managing' her hopeless DM (illness means my memory is fucked).
YABU wanting to order those extortionate Christmas cards though, I assume DS did more than just colour in baubles on a line, all predrawn for them? 'Design' a card indeed! I was fuming over school trying to extort money over that!

fourminutestosavetheworld · 10/12/2021 05:56

I think a lot depends on his response to this too.

If dh was angry at me for forgetting to put dd in a Xmas jumper id tell him to fuck off - I didn't mean to, am already upset about letting dd down, have other stuff going on to think about.

But if he's unconcerned, then that's rubbish.

SarahBellam · 10/12/2021 06:25

What does he do all day? He sounds lazy and entitled. It’s not your job to police him. He should want to do this for his family - especially since the home is his main area of responsibility.

DeeCeeCherry · 10/12/2021 06:29

Lazy

GnomeDePlume · 10/12/2021 07:02

We’re not wired differently.

Totally agree.

DH and I are similar set up to OP. The big difference is that DH sees running a clean, fed, organised, happy home as his job. He takes pride in it and he does it well.

We share the mental load. I do all finances (not a chore for me as I am an accountant) and long range planning. DH does detailed planning. We remind each other of upcoming jobs which will need to be dealt with but this is always as equals.

Salayes · 10/12/2021 07:08

So was it his idea to move so he dropped his hours? Guess it doesn’t matter as such but it’s worked out alright for him hasn’t it? You’re still doing what you were before (and anything you leave is being batted back because he’s not arsed to do it) and he’s had his life made easier.

And actually, your life has got harder as you’re now commuting further as well as needing to deal with him breaking his promises to you.

Sounds very much to me like he said whatever was needed to get the move to happen knowing full well him taking on more of the load with regards to his child was optional. And he’s opting out.

Atlanticli · 10/12/2021 07:16

Men and women are not wired differently.

Funnily enough when we were married, my ex husband was incapable of doing the DC and household admin, basic chores etc. He managed to do all of these things just fine when I divorced him and we no longer live in the same house.

Also, this is the kind of thing that quickly makes your spouse unattractive. An adult who chooses not to pull their weight.

wildseas · 10/12/2021 07:17

In your position i would give him the choice. Either he gets a full time decently paying job and you get a nanny/housekeeper or he thinks of nanny/housekeeper as his job and does it properly.
The third option is to set your life up as though only you have responsibility. You pay a cleaner, you take back on child admin, you meal plan and order etc. But the eventual upshot of this would be that you realise the family doesn’t need him any more .....

Shoxfordian · 10/12/2021 07:18

He sounds useless
Think about whether he’s really contributing anything of value to your lives together

DebIr · 10/12/2021 07:20

Could never have let my kids miss out. Think every woman I know deals with school stuff irrespective of working hours.
I made the decision years ago that I would stop devoting energy to nagging and just do what needed doing. It worked for me actually but can see it doesn’t work for most.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 10/12/2021 07:23

I had this with my ex and still now , if I don't write down ds clothes I pack , they dont come back. I refuse now and won't comply with this babying. I even had his mother text me this morning FFS because he doesn't know what to buy ds I Xmas!
This is a 40 Yr old MD of an international company .
Losers the lot of them

Sceptre86 · 10/12/2021 07:23

My dd stated primary school 2 weeks before I had a baby. Dh was left to organise school stuff. He missed a non uniform day. I realised later on that day and he admitted it. My dd said that everybody else was wearing their own clothes except her. An exaggeration but she felt singled out. Dh felt it wasn't the end of the world ( it isn't) but has since got his shit together as 5 year old dd was upset. He is an equal partner in everything but the mental load and previously just expected me to remember stuff as his own mum had done. I no longer respond when he asks me dates and times apart from saying check your bloody calendar and now he has gotten into the habit of doing it. He was just so used to not being the one to pick up the slack, he had no problems organising his diary for work though. Well his diary for home is just as , if not more important because failure to keep on top of it let's his family down.

You need to have a very blunt conversation and remind him of the promises he made regarding picking up the mental load. If you take it back on again which is pointless because you aren't going to be home for pick ups and drop offs then he needs to pull his weight elsewhere. For example he increases his hours, cooks daily, meal plans does the shopping, laundry etc.

GoodnightGrandma · 10/12/2021 07:25

My DH never did this sort of stuff, and I think it was laziness. He couldn’t be bothered, didn’t think it was important, so it wasn’t on his radar.
If I’d said anything I would be nagging. So you learn to not say anything, and they win.
It eventually turns into resentment.

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/12/2021 07:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster

Suspiciousmind20 · 10/12/2021 07:30

Thank you so much for all your posts. I fell asleep waiting for it to upload. I’ll respond later but thank you all.

It helps to know that with the exception of a couple of people, it’s considered reasonable to feel upset by this.

OP posts:

CharityDingle · 10/12/2021 07:32

He also does all the insurance stuff annually.

I'm always surprised that something like this (see also he does all the diy or 'looks after the car') is regarded as in some way sharing a workload/ smooth running of a household.

Get a few insurance quotes online, pick one, pay. That's it. Done for another year.

CharityDingle · 10/12/2021 07:34

@Suspiciousmind20

Thank you so much for all your posts. I fell asleep waiting for it to upload. I’ll respond later but thank you all.

It helps to know that with the exception of a couple of people, it’s considered reasonable to feel upset by this.

Not at all unreasonable, OP.

And as is evident from the thread, things like this add up, and lead to resentment.

Phineyj · 10/12/2021 07:34

We have a WhatsApp group for school and all these things would have been on there. There are, unbelievably, dads on there as well as mums (DH even ran it one year - to be fair though it's been a woman the rest of the time and nearly always a SAHM).

Tell your DH to set up and run a WhatsApp group.

And harden your heart.

Salayes · 10/12/2021 07:40

@CharityDingle

He also does all the insurance stuff annually.

I'm always surprised that something like this (see also he does all the diy or 'looks after the car') is regarded as in some way sharing a workload/ smooth running of a household.

Get a few insurance quotes online, pick one, pay. That's it. Done for another year.

Yea exactly, it’s hardly onerous is it, takes an hour tops, once a year.

Summerrain123 · 10/12/2021 07:41

I agree with PP. It's crap he can't be bothered to organise this. Talk and suggest a wall calendar. Does he receive the emails and paper letters? If he fails again in this basic task, then he must do other jobs that fall to you usually so you can take on this one. I would also be asking him why he doesn't care about DS's happiness and say that not only does it make DS unhappy to miss out but makes you respect him less that he can be so thoughtless.

CharityDingle · 10/12/2021 07:42

You are going to have a lot on your hands during your mat leave. I would bet the farm that his incompetence will develop exponentially during your leave, and by the end of it you will be sick and tired of dealing with every single detail of both of your lives as well as exhausted from the mental load of mothering a baby 24/7. Then when you return to work everything you had to do on mat leave will still be left to you.

100% agree with all that @mathanxiety said, and especially the piece I quoted @Totalwasteofpaper

Cocomarine · 10/12/2021 07:44

@PussInBin20

YANBU. I could never trust my DH to do any of this. Tbh I just think men are wired different to us. I know this sounds a cop out but my DH just wouldn’t see this stuff as a priority for him.

Personally I would do it so that neither you nor your son are upset again but I would make sure your DH knows and give him another job to be responsible for.

Probably not what you want to hear but what’s the alternative? Rubbish isn’t it?

Oh FFS, why do people keep posting this shit about the menz being wired differently?

My husband does all this stuff for his kids.

If there’s a gender difference to this, it’s that women seem to have a tendency to accept shit behaviour - but that’s societal conditioning, not “wiring” 🙄

Beechview · 10/12/2021 07:49

Ask him what his plan is for remembering this stuff.
If he’s still incompetent, tell him to get a calendar and put it on the wall then to enter every school event on it. Get him and ds to check it daily.
Every week have a family meeting (with drinks and snacks) and discuss what’s coming up that week for all of you and any problems.

CharityDingle · 10/12/2021 07:54

@PussInBin20

YANBU. I could never trust my DH to do any of this. Tbh I just think men are wired different to us. I know this sounds a cop out but my DH just wouldn’t see this stuff as a priority for him.

Personally I would do it so that neither you nor your son are upset again but I would make sure your DH knows and give him another job to be responsible for.

Probably not what you want to hear but what’s the alternative? Rubbish isn’t it?

I think the 'wired differently' is a cop out.

Your DH sounds very selfish, if things to do with his child/ children are just simply not seen as a priority for him.

Newestname002 · 10/12/2021 07:57

@CharityDingle

I know this sounds a cop out but my DH just wouldn’t see this stuff as a priority for him.

Why wouldn't your husband see this as a priority for his child?🌹

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