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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really sad and upset at DH?

177 replies

Suspiciousmind20 · 09/12/2021 22:40

I work longer hours than DH who does a few hours here and there. I’m the main breadwinner. We moved recently and I was concerned re the longer commute and how I could continue to keep family life ticking along (I held the ‘mental load’ back then and was worried I wouldn’t have the energy to do it all still). DH reassured me that he’d take on more responsibility for life stuff as the change meant a drop in hours for him.

We have struggled. I still had the mental load. He didn’t really do the housework. So we now have a system. Bit better with house keeping now.

But recently, on his childcare day, when I’m working, he’s forgotten things like Xmas jumper day, Xmas school lunch for DS and said he’d order the Xmas cards DS designed at school but didn’t.

I just feel gutted for DS because he’s missed out. I don’t want to take over - it feels unfair that I still have the mental load for his days when I am at work and he may be does a couple of hours). But I can’t let this continue to happen to DS.

I feel trapped. If I take over I feel resentful. If I leave him to it this stuff happens a lot. He’s intelligent and has a good memory but he just doesn’t put thought into it and kind of drifts along. He’s great in lots of ways but this feels crap. I feel like crying for DS who is trying to fit into a new class.

OP posts:
TellMeItsPossible · 10/12/2021 07:59

My ex now has a new secretary is remarried, and guess who organises all their Disney Dad excursions? Guess who gets blamed when the dc's school doesn't notify him about parents evenings (when he could easily look on the website)?

Call it what you want - learned helplessness, strategic incompetence, whatever. What it actually pilsner down to is utter contempt for anything deemed "woman's work " and yes, that absolutely includes raising their own damned children.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 10/12/2021 08:01

if you forgot those things would you feel bad?
i forgot ds first christmas jumper day

its the organisation.
are you sure its not too late for the cards?
look in the book bag and have a discussion, make a plan

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/12/2021 08:01

It’s definitely societal conditioning not “wiring” that makes us do this. I don’t believe men are hard wired to be utterly selfish, which is what it is not to try to remember things for DC/ make sure they are included in school stuff.

I still end up having to manage my EX husband with stuff like this to make sure my younger DC doesn’t miss out on stuff, but at least I don’t have to look at him. DC1 manages all her own stuff so as not to rely on him.

Our primary school doesn’t help by saying they are only able to send info to one parent! Exh complained when I was forwarding it to him as “it’s too much” and he expected me to apply a filter so he only got stuff that was important Hmm

MrsJBaptiste · 10/12/2021 08:08

I'm always surprised that something like this (see also he does all the diy or 'looks after the car')

DIY is hardly comparable to sorting out the insurance. DIY is constant and can involve anything from putting up a shelf/wallpapering the bedroom to building an extension/landscaping the garden.

NewbieAlert · 10/12/2021 08:08

I’d take it back too.
Making sure I gave him something/everything else.
I couldn’t let my child be affected by his inadequate parenting.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 10/12/2021 08:08

@Beechview
Really ?
I understand the problem solving thinking behind this but the whole thing is ludicrous. Rewarding a grown man with drinks and snacks for essentially being a parent ?
I don't need a meeting every week to remember Xmas jumper day .
This babying of men has gone too far

CharityDingle · 10/12/2021 08:10

[quote Newestname002]@CharityDingle

I know this sounds a cop out but my DH just wouldn’t see this stuff as a priority for him.

Why wouldn't your husband see this as a priority for his child?🌹[/quote]
@Newestname002 I'm not if sure you meant to tag me?

I was quoting another poster.

CharityDingle · 10/12/2021 08:11

[quote Dontforgetyourbrolly]@Beechview
Really ?
I understand the problem solving thinking behind this but the whole thing is ludicrous. Rewarding a grown man with drinks and snacks for essentially being a parent ?
I don't need a meeting every week to remember Xmas jumper day .
This babying of men has gone too far[/quote]
And guess who would have to prepare and serve the drinks and snacks... Hmm

CharityDingle · 10/12/2021 08:12

...not sure if...

sst1234 · 10/12/2021 08:13

Tell him to work more and pay for someone to do the things he can’t.

Cheerbear24 · 10/12/2021 08:14

@PussInBin20

YANBU. I could never trust my DH to do any of this. Tbh I just think men are wired different to us. I know this sounds a cop out but my DH just wouldn’t see this stuff as a priority for him.

Personally I would do it so that neither you nor your son are upset again but I would make sure your DH knows and give him another job to be responsible for.

Probably not what you want to hear but what’s the alternative? Rubbish isn’t it?

No, no, no, no!!!! This is an excuse that men would love to us believe, so that women take over their tasks for them to allow them to continue on their merry way without having to distract themselves with those annoying mentality loads things. Much better to swap out some of your tasks and take the school related ones to it doesn’t impact DS.
CharityDingle · 10/12/2021 08:15

@MrsJBaptiste

I'm always surprised that something like this (see also he does all the diy or 'looks after the car')

DIY is hardly comparable to sorting out the insurance. DIY is constant and can involve anything from putting up a shelf/wallpapering the bedroom to building an extension/landscaping the garden.

Indeed.

But I wonder how often is that what it is being referred to, when it's used as an example of one partner's contribution rather than an occasional assembling of flat pack furniture, for example. Wink

Clymene · 10/12/2021 08:20

He thinks these are your jobs because you have a vagina. I wouldn't be sad, I'd be bloody furious. How dare he let his son down like this?

What an absolutely sorry, shitty shitty excuse for a father he is.

I hope he's going to apologise to your little boy.

Bunce1 · 10/12/2021 08:23

Dh and I get our diary’s out for the week and we forward plan.

School things
Work things
Meal plan
Anything else.

Then everything goes on the blackboard for the week ahead for us and the kids to see. We decide who will do what for the week.

Dh also has specific jobs- laundry, bins, fire/wood, garden and compost, dishwasher, all his families presents. Packed lunches.

JustDanceAddict · 10/12/2021 08:26

It’s crap if you work long hours and carry the mental
Load.
I’ve worked p/t or not worked since having kids and taken on the majority of the mental load. Dh’s earning potential has always outweighed mine so it makes sense.
When he’s not worked post-redundancy he def picked up the slack so your dh is being U.

MsTSwift · 10/12/2021 08:46

I did all this at primary school as I took it on and worked for myself Dh had long hours. Now I work more and dds at secondary Dh massively stepped up. He has found the tutors deals with them and spent every evening of the last 2 weeks doing gcse mocks revision.

Xiaoxiong · 10/12/2021 08:53

If men were wired differently then we wouldn't have whatsapp groups full of school mums going "what's pickup time today?" "omg I totally forgot christmas jumper day" etc etc. The difference is the societal expectations of who joins the groups, who gets the emails from school, and who drives to the 24h Tesco at 11pm to buy some tinsel to staple to a school jumper because last year's christmas jumper is too small.

@CharityDingle completely agree with you about "tasks" being shared out that have wildly differing levels of time commitment. I learned on here years ago that it shouldn't be the number of chores that are the same - it should be how much free time each partner has after chores are finished, to take account of some tasks being quick and easily done once a year, and others being day in day out grind. Eg. I really enjoy cooking and planning meals, but it takes a significant amount of time daily - DH needs to pick up at least 2-3 tasks to make sure we have the equivalent amount of free time once our respective chores are done.

@Bunce1 we do this too, we call it Sunday Night Business - after the kids are in bed we sit down with diaries, laptops, and a cup of tea and go over the week ahead, long range planning stuff, pay anything online that needs paying, that kind of thing. Used to be we'd have a glass of wine instead of tea to make it more fun, but we're getting old! Grin

EmpressCixi · 10/12/2021 09:02

Whatever you do, don’t take over from him.
As it’s recent change for him to do this, you have to expect a learning curve and a few missed things until he gets the hang of it,
One year missing Xmas jumper day, school dinner and not buying the cards they design is small on grand scheme of things. Your DS probably won’t even remember it when he’s a teenager, so don’t make it a huge issue to get resentful over.
If anything, I’d simply say to him that was an oops and suggest he keep a family calendar in the kitchen or a white board....start some system for him to write reminders to himself and things can get full on when they are primary school age.

BertramLacey · 10/12/2021 09:16

The usual 'just tell me what needs doing' trope. Which means you might as well have done it yourself because half of the time is checking they've done it. They haven't or have half done it. You either do it yourself and tell them. They then say 'I was just going to do that' or 'you should have just told me'.

Sadly, this is fifty years of my parents' marriage summarised in one paragraph. But for those who think it's because men are wired differently, my partner is a single parent (we don't live together) and he manages all this stuff perfectly well for his DC. If men chose to make it a priority, they are perfectly capable of doing so. Even if it's a bit difficult, they can still do it. Think how many times there is stuff that doesn't come naturally to you but that you've learned to do with a bit of effort. 'Oh it's because I'm a man' generally just means 'it's because I'm entitled and don't want to', and whilst there's a large overlap between those two, it's not a given.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 10/12/2021 09:20

This thread is MN at its sexist worst.

If a father posted about a SAHM forgetting Christmas jumper day and other such trivia, all the replies would be about the fact that his penis and ‘important job’ did not excuse him from taking equal responsibility.

And then there would be how he should be caring for her and respecting her mental health etc etc.

The devil is in the deftly here, which we don’t have.

Is the child actually upset by any of this?

Is it part of a broader pattern or just a lack of care about school details particularly?

Does the OP have form for micromanaging, which is resented?

Without any of the above, impossible to judge the rights and wrongs.

Newestname002 · 10/12/2021 09:23

@CharityDingle

Oops - sorry. Mea culpa! 🌹

ChangeChingyChange · 10/12/2021 09:24

@FortunesFave

If this was me, I'm afraid I'd just take over the school things...your husband doesn't seem able to do it for whatever reason.

BUT I would put something else on him to balance things out. So think of something you do that doesn't involve DS and make your husband do that.

This
rossclare · 10/12/2021 09:32

@PussInBin20

YANBU. I could never trust my DH to do any of this. Tbh I just think men are wired different to us. I know this sounds a cop out but my DH just wouldn’t see this stuff as a priority for him.

Personally I would do it so that neither you nor your son are upset again but I would make sure your DH knows and give him another job to be responsible for.

Probably not what you want to hear but what’s the alternative? Rubbish isn’t it?

I agree! My OH is great in so many ways, but general life and school admin? We often joke how life would just totally unravel if I wasn’t here.....I try and view him as a whole, and appreciate that we can’t all be good at everything, and life admin is not his forte.

However I lost my shit a few months ago when he went on strike with cooking (as he felt I should cook sometimes). Once I’d ‘reminded’ him of all the stuff I do in the background (the school stuff, but also the presents, wrapping, pizza for brownies party et etc), he picked up the frying pan pretty quickly!!

starfishmummy · 10/12/2021 09:35

@DogsandCatsB4u

Take over not fair on your kid
This.

The kid doesn't care whose job or "mental load" it is, just that they have missed out repeatedly

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 10/12/2021 09:41

It’s shit OP, but rightly or wrongly, I’ve accepted that my DH is absolutely hopeless with any school related admin, and so I just do it all (we both work although I do work less hours than him). I tried to get him to take on more of it, and share more equally but he just didn’t do it and I didn’t want my kids missing out, so I just do all school related stuff and make him do stuff that is less important.