To be really sad and upset at DH?

[Suspiciousmind20]

I work longer hours than DH who does a few hours here and there. I’m the main breadwinner. We moved recently and I was concerned re the longer commute and how I could continue to keep family life ticking along (I held the ‘mental load’ back then and was worried I wouldn’t have the energy to do it all still). DH reassured me that he’d take on more responsibility for life stuff as the change meant a drop in hours for him.

We have struggled. I still had the mental load. He didn’t really do the housework. So we now have a system. Bit better with house keeping now.

But recently, on his childcare day, when I’m working, he’s forgotten things like Xmas jumper day, Xmas school lunch for DS and said he’d order the Xmas cards DS designed at school but didn’t.

I just feel gutted for DS because he’s missed out. I don’t want to take over - it feels unfair that I still have the mental load for his days when I am at work and he may be does a couple of hours). But I can’t let this continue to happen to DS.

I feel trapped. If I take over I feel resentful. If I leave him to it this stuff happens a lot. He’s intelligent and has a good memory but he just doesn’t put thought into it and kind of drifts along. He’s great in lots of ways but this feels crap. I feel like crying for DS who is trying to fit into a new class.

Twitterwhooooo

Thanks. I agree. I would do it jointly if it wasn’t for the fact that we have just started a new house cleaning system. It’s really not how he does things - he’s embracing it and doing his best but it stresses him out (there are good reasons for this) so to ask him to implement another new system would be too much. There is a bit of me is ‘FFS it’s your job!’ But also I understand that this is a new way of working for him. I think he would have been diagnosed with ADHD if he was a child today. I’m asking for leeway due to some stuff I’m struggling with at the moment so it’s got to be a two way thing.

It’s not onerous TBH, I am just asking him and looking in the diary etc on Sunday to see what is ahead in the week coming and chalking it up on the fridge. Both him and DS can then check when it’s not my childcare day and I can on my days. I would rather that than me having a constant worry that something important might get missed again. Eventually it will become shared - I’ll keep asking them to put things on the fridge and eventually they just will. If not there will be another serious chat (aka massive argument).

Adults can be diagnosed with ADHD, there isn't a cut off point. If you really think he is neurodivergent then it's worth getting it checked out so he can help himself. My friends have been diagnosed in adulthood and theya re amazed at the difference being on proper medication has made to their ability to plan, finish tasks etc.

We have a family calender in the kitchen. Everyone has a column and everything goes on it. DD also likes to have her own calendar in her room and she puts things on there as well.

This is awful. Because even though you're wanting him to take the mental load - the mental loaf is still there for you as you're worrying about whether or not he's done it or not! Still taking up brain capacity.

I wouldn't be able to bare my DC missing out on stuff like this, so I think if I were you I would take over that stuff and leave other stuff that wouldn't directly affect DC up to him.

How upsetting to imagine him there without Xmas jumper or dinner when all his friends would have it.

With the diary that you've got is it in a communal place? We have a family calendar up on the hallway that everyone can see.

Glad to see that you've spoken to him about it & I hope that it changes for you in the new year. Arguments aren't pretty but sometimes a big blow out is where the reality of the situation sinks in.

Thanks. I agree. I know I’m still holding the mental load with this but it’s temporary - I am going to hand it over.

With the cleaning system - that’s working well. When I see a room needs cleaning I no longer need to keep that in mind to do because I know he will do it as per the system and if he doesn’t there is something to hold him to account against. It’s early days with bedding it in so it’s habit. I just need to build up his taking it on slowly - me being in charge of putting things on the fridge is the first step towards him then doing it. It worked today. Something was remembered that is usually forgotten so success!

I will review in a months time to see how the cleaning system thing is working out and then build on that.

I’m on it and I’m determined!! If I can find this thread I’ll feedback in a month so you can all hold me to account

He sounds lazy. My dh is similar so I feel your pain.

FFS. He forgot to give him his water bottle today. I’m so angry. This is unacceptable. I want to do this alone. It would be so much easier but then DS will be with him without me for half the week!!! F-ing hell. I’m so angry.

He does sound shit and lazy - only works the equivalent of 1 day per week! What o earth does he do the rest of the time?

I have similar issues but I ensure I do all DS stuff (and I only had one child - partly for this reason) and leave the stuff that affects him. So no laundry or ironing his stuff and of course I leave everything that is important to MIL. She has no problem pulling him up on stuff.

And yes lots of men are like this - but I think they are socialised to be so. I'm trying to ensure DS isn't like this when he's an adult.

It's a pretty basic thing to do the mental checklist when you're walking out the door or making sure the schoolbag is packed.

Does he need to write one out for himself?
Don't do one for him. Make him sit down and think of all the items DS needs for school every day.

My oh is same can not do the mental load at all. I've suggested writing notes, calendar etc he even once said "I have my own stuff to think about!!" I pointed out the family stuff is his too. He also does jobs badly so I end up redoing . The compromise we reached was that he became bread winner and works full time and I work part time and do mental load. If a change round is not feasible maybe a daily planner on wall he has to check. Tho will be you filling it in!!

How old is DS? I agree that your husband sounds shit, but can you empower your DS to manage some of this himself? My twins just turned six and they know every morning to fill their water bottles and put them in their backpacks. I implemented this system because I kept forgetting the water bottles!
I think it’s time to have a bigger conversation with your H about the possible consequences of his carelessness. I understand your anger about the Christmas errors. I think you’re overreacting about the water bottle, but I think that’s because it’s a final straw situation. You need to tell him that this is driving you apart and causing you to think about ending the relationship. I would ask him to go away and think of a system he could use to ensure these things don’t keep happening. I rely heavily on lists and a calendar hanging in the kitchen.

I also think that you may be over-angry and in a few years Your'll re-read this and cringe. I only once or twice ordered Christmas cards or school photos. (Both ds's were unbothered. We got leaving year 6 yearbook and I know don't even recall where those are! ) 1/2 the class Orders them and receive them and generally half the class doesn't so no one should be made to feel bad about everybody else receiving theirs and then not getting them. I went to every sports day, but not some other stuff.

And ds should be starting to remember his own water bottle with less and less prompting, to become more independent. Our school both primary and secondary asks to make the children pack their bags the night before and to be responsible if they forget something. Yes I know he's young, but even starting that early is a good idea, with less and less prompting or reminders.

In relation to the Christmas cards, you could ask the school to include the card in the print run next year. I know it sucks for this year but next year you can get both cards printed (2021 and 2022) hopefully and you’ll still have it as a keepsake.

Thank you all. Yes. Final straw situation yesterday. I didn’t say anything. I just went to bed. I was angry because DS said he had a headache and that’s how I found out he hadn’t had a drink all day. I am just fed up with not being able to rely on him to do the basics and sometimes I’m not there so I can’t even be a safety net.

New day now. Oh and I am trying to train DS but he’s very similar to DH so that’s not going well!! Both are very ‘in their head’ and not very present. Hard to feel any hope I can influence either of them with this.

I know you shouldn’t have to but is it not best if you do the organisation stuff for your DS? Your DH could do the other bits- washing, cleaning, cooking etc- that would seem a fair balance? If you’re working and leaving early maybe get his water bottle and bag sorted the evening before.

I have two kids and do all the school stuff despite working full time too. It’s just better that way for us.

@Suspiciousmind20

Thank you all. Yes. Final straw situation yesterday. I didn’t say anything. I just went to bed. I was angry because DS said he had a headache and that’s how I found out he hadn’t had a drink all day. I am just fed up with not being able to rely on him to do the basics and sometimes I’m not there so I can’t even be a safety net.

New day now. Oh and I am trying to train DS but he’s very similar to DH so that’s not going well!! Both are very ‘in their head’ and not very present. Hard to feel any hope I can influence either of them with this.

With water bottle/Xmas jumper didn't he go home and get them? That would probably help with the remembering

If you think it might be ADHD, then it may be worth getting a diagnosis and medication as someone has already suggested, and also reading up on strategies to help with ADHD.

My DP has ADHD, he really struggles with anything involving paperwork/ processes so I tend to take on more of those tasks and get him to do things he has less difficulty with (e.g. mowing the lawn). Getting an Amazon Echo really helped because he can set himself reminders on the fly (not to mention it's Alexa reminding him to do stuff instead of me nagging). We have reminders going off several times a day (e.g. empty the cat litter tray!) but it's worth it because he's less likely to forget to do things. He also finds it helpful to have reminders out that he can clearly see all the time, e.g. a whiteboard.

He wouldn’t agree to meds. No way.

He should have gone back with water but prob didn’t notice until he picked him up.

If this was a paid job he’d have been sacked.

Don’t have Alexa. Don’t want it either. Thanks though. I’ve put a list of the four things DS needs on the fridge.

I don't expect to havecto such out jibs to my husband. I don't expect to have cajole him or congratulate him for pairing his socks. I expect him and myself to look for things and just do them; present buying, school uniform, washing....the lot. How do these men even get past the early stages of a relationship. They shouldn't need to be trained how unattractive.

@Suspiciousmind20

If this was a paid job he’d have been sacked.

This resonated with me. I feel the same.

I'm in a similar situation to you to be honest, I feel the same frustrations, so I don't really have any advice.

Could you show him this thread? Calmly though, it won't work in the middle of a fight when he's angry and defensive.

Sadly I think a lot of men just feel this kind of thing is beneath them and not really important. When in reality, your son hasn't had a drink all day, it is bloomin important.

@Suspiciousmind20

Don’t have Alexa. Don’t want it either. Thanks though. I’ve put a list of the four things DS needs on the fridge.

I was only trying to help

[quote yourestandingonmyneck]@Suspiciousmind20

If this was a paid job he’d have been sacked.

This resonated with me. I feel the same.

I'm in a similar situation to you to be honest, I feel the same frustrations, so I don't really have any advice.

Could you show him this thread? Calmly though, it won't work in the middle of a fight when he's angry and defensive.

Sadly I think a lot of men just feel this kind of thing is beneath them and not really important. When in reality, your son hasn't had a drink all day, it is bloomin important. [/quote]
I think that with my oh he's very successful in work but can't manage the day to day stuff

violetbunny

So sorry. Didn’t mean for that to sound blunt. I was trying to be quick and I’m very tired today. Thank you for suggesting it. I do appreciate you trying to help with solutions. I appreciate all of the responses with perhaps a couple of exceptions!

I’m listening to ‘Fair Play’ as PP suggested. Very informative but it’s also reminding me that he could be A LOT worse!

@BabyofMine

I would ask him, calmly but clearly, why doesn’t he care that his son misses out and is upset about missing out? Because the only reason a competent adult doesn’t take care of things like that is because they don’t care.

(Unless there’s something you aren’t telling us about your DH like neurodivergence).

So does your husband forget his own work chirstmas events? Does he forget essential stuff for himself....??

My guess is not...

I'd actually spell it out kindly...

'By forgetting to do x this meant our son lost out...this isn't on.

So what will you do in the future to avoid this happening? .. (NOT getting you to remind him)

There are some amazing on line resources for ADD/ADHD strategies etc.

I suspect the issue will be getting him to look at the website and then implement them! Or perhaps I am just speaking for myself and my DD 🤣

www.additudemag.com/category/manage-adhd-life/