To be really sad and upset at DH?

[Suspiciousmind20]

I work longer hours than DH who does a few hours here and there. I’m the main breadwinner. We moved recently and I was concerned re the longer commute and how I could continue to keep family life ticking along (I held the ‘mental load’ back then and was worried I wouldn’t have the energy to do it all still). DH reassured me that he’d take on more responsibility for life stuff as the change meant a drop in hours for him.

We have struggled. I still had the mental load. He didn’t really do the housework. So we now have a system. Bit better with house keeping now.

But recently, on his childcare day, when I’m working, he’s forgotten things like Xmas jumper day, Xmas school lunch for DS and said he’d order the Xmas cards DS designed at school but didn’t.

I just feel gutted for DS because he’s missed out. I don’t want to take over - it feels unfair that I still have the mental load for his days when I am at work and he may be does a couple of hours). But I can’t let this continue to happen to DS.

I feel trapped. If I take over I feel resentful. If I leave him to it this stuff happens a lot. He’s intelligent and has a good memory but he just doesn’t put thought into it and kind of drifts along. He’s great in lots of ways but this feels crap. I feel like crying for DS who is trying to fit into a new class.

I am a SAHM now so I carry all of that mental load and I genuinely consider it part of my “job”
Last two weeks alone-

• Pay money for teachers Christmas collection
• Christmas jumper day
• Christmas party clothes day
• Bring in a wrapped present for the homeless
• Carol concert during school day but making school day slightly longer
• Bring in Christmas decorations for a craft activity they are doing

And of course it’s reading book and record every night, spelling test, homework which needs returning on a specific day, school library book which always needs returning on a Thursday. 3 days a week PE kit, 2 days not. Etc.

DH and I are clear that it is “my” job while I’m not working and that the only way I will go back to work is if it is shared equally. He doesn’t feel he can with his job (admittedly, horrible hours and quite high profile) so we both stand where we stand with no resentment.

I think you do need to have a proper chat about it. You can help initially - make sure he’s on the class WhatsApp and making a note of what needs doing on what day - but he will need to take it on OR pay someone to do
It and up his hours.

I do wonder if it will at some point drive our generally excellent marriage to a crisis point.

Yes it will. I think you'll find this in about 3-4 months when you have a newborn and are on your knees with exhaustion and he's being as much use as a chocolate teapot. Your kindness and patience towards him will be nil if he keeps this up. I hope I'm wrong but having been there and watched friends and family go through the same I'd say be prepared for deep, dark resentment to set in.

My question to your Dh would be, what measures will you be putting in place to make sure this never happens again?

Up to him to sort it out, either family calendar with a week planner put up etc. Do not take this on yourself. It is his responsibility to work out how he would do this. Treat it like a job because that is what this is.

And no men are not wired differently. Dh has attended every sports day because he put it in his calendar and booked the time out. He enters it the second he is told about it because his phone is always near by. He has a work calendar for all his meetings etc and a family calendar for everything else. It is important to him to remember stuff the DC are doing because it is important to them.

They are now teenagers, he can tell you all the teacher's names, what after school clubs they attend, who their friends are. It is called parenting.

He sounds pathetic, in all honesty.

Why do you keep him?

With my Ex, if I sat down with him on Sunday night and worked through the admin with him, he'd just sit there looking bored and "forget" to do the stuff on his list. Unfortunately you can't make someone give a shit if they don't.

@TheReluctantPhoenix

This thread is MN at its sexist worst.

If a father posted about a SAHM forgetting Christmas jumper day and other such trivia, all the replies would be about the fact that his penis and ‘important job’ did not excuse him from taking equal responsibility.

And then there would be how he should be caring for her and respecting her mental health etc etc.

The devil is in the deftly here, which we don’t have.

Is the child actually upset by any of this?

Is it part of a broader pattern or just a lack of care about school details particularly?

Does the OP have form for micromanaging, which is resented?

Without any of the above, impossible to judge the rights and wrongs.

No, they wouldn't. They would say that in a marriage where it's been agreed that one person is the breadwinner and the other takes on the mental load of home and family admin then that's their job.

Do you still sent Xmas cards. I stopped last year, getting too expense with the postage. Just give to neighbours

It sounds like either he doesn't care or can't be bothered, or worse, both.

It's awful that your DH is behaving like this given the assurances he provided you with before moving. Strategic incompetence is such a turn-off, I'd quickly fall out of love and become resentful too OP, hugs to you.

I agree! My OH is great in so many ways, but general life and school admin? We often joke how life would just totally unravel if I wasn’t here...

Except that it wouldn't. If you died tomorrow he'd miraculously manage to organise the mundane school shit for his DC. Jesus listen to yourself.

Thanks so much for the replies.

I’ve ordered the book ‘Fair Play’ so can listen to that on my commute.

I’ll try and answer the questions.

He probably totals a full working day each week but it’s scattered. Sometimes two days worth. He is appointment based so it depends when people book in. Fewer people where we live now so he’s less busy. I work part time too but more hours. 3 days plus commute once a week (3 hours driving). I find my job exhausting so can’t cope with more. It’s enough financially to cover everything including treats. It’s a more stable income than his so I need to keep it.

He’s not lazy. Just not efficient or organised. He doesn’t engage fully in the tasks. We have had long discussions and are currently trialling TOMM method of cleaning and that is helping. He’s getting better. He understands about the mental load but then sometimes retracts that. TOMM helps a lot. I know if I see an unclean area of the house that it will get done on a certain day so I don’t have to hold it in mind. It’s eased a lot of the mental load of keeping the house in a reasonable state.

He probably does more cooking on the whole but other house keeping is now a bit more equal. We do half each childcare each week. Weekends are whatever is happening. So it’s a fairly even split. I feel like we are very close to how it needs to be.

It’s the remembering things and planning things he doesn’t do. If I remind him about Xmas jumper he’ll do Xmas jumper. He sometimes remembers but as soon as I’m not on it, things get missed.

A meeting once a week to plan is a great idea. I’ll try and subtlety do that - he won’t want a formal thing. I like the idea of a blackboard too. We did have a board with post it notes on it with different tasks but that didn’t work so well. I think a weekly ‘to do’ based on a discussion will be better.

To the ‘don’t micromanage’ poster. In what way am I micromanaging? I didn’t do anything. Just heard that he’d missed these things, (had left it to him to check the info from the school). I felt sad - but we were in company so I held back -and then posted here to vent and validate (or be challenged) before deciding what to do.

I’ve contacted the school but they can’t/won’t reorder. They say the company won’t accept orders directly. DH has said DS wasn’t bothered but he’s good at hiding his feelings so I can’t be sure as I wasn’t there. DH said that he apologised.

I probably feel more sad about it on behalf of my DS than DS does himself to be fair. I feel really sad that he put effort in for nothing and that the other kids got theirs and he didn’t. I can’t seem to shake it off. I want to cry.

I’ll try not to just take it on though. I know my days and I’ll keep on top of those and try and suggest a system for weekly planning.

I’m trying not to take it out on DH. I think if he looked sad about it I’d feel better.

Alexa is your friend here. You and your DH set Alexa up with your daily and weekly reminders. Worth a try.

This thread is MN at its sexist worst.

You always pop up with this shit it's so tedious. You're clearly a MRA with a chip on your shoulder. Women pointing out that many, many men are incompetent partners and fathers isn't sexist - it's based on reality and lived experience and backed up by scores of research.

A weekly planning meeting sounds necessary anyway if his work is variable.

If his work depends on when people book in, he's probably in a fairly reactive mindset a lot of the time.

If he isn't naturally organised and efficient, he needs to find strategies to help him be more so, as family life can't run on reactive decisions.

Ultimately, if your DH doesn't pull his socks up and continues to let your DS down, he's going to be firmly in 'shit dad' territory. DS will become aware quite soon that he can't rely on his dad to prioritise anything that matters to him. He will start reminding him or coming to you instead.

Ask your DH if he cares about your DS seeing him as a 'shit dad' who doesn't have his back. If he does, he needs to work out a system (diary, calendar on the fridge, phone reminders etc.) so he doesn't drop the ball. If he doesn't care, he should remember that not having a Christmas jumper on Christmas jumper day or being dressed in uniform on non-uniform day are the sorts of things that kids remember for a long, long time. That's why it's not acceptable for an adult just to 'forget' these things. A one-off mistake is fine and your child will forgive you, but not if it's constantly happening.

Explain to DH that when he doesn't remember things for DS it gives DS the subliminal message that DS isn't important enough. That may well sink in more!

It’s being a shit basically.

Dh used to be terrible with time keeping and getting home on time because there was always one more job that needed finishing at work. The children when younger have scream cried at home that his never here and to leave them alone as he doesn’t care. We have had the second it starts to get dark “dads late again”.

I just use the time now you know what dads like. He will get here when he gets here. It’s sad but he just can’t be arsed to prioritise anything other than work basically. They know and their relationship with him has been affected accordingly he may be the fun parent when his home but they know they can’t rely on him.

That’s what his setting himself up for. It’s not a men vs women thing either there are many mums on the school run who seem to forget it’s Pe day every bloody week or Christmas jumper day or whatever. They just don’t care enough to organise themselves.

Maybe play to your strengths depending on your dynamic. And depending on the age of dc you could print one of those free printable monthly calendars and fill it in for dc school things like non uniform day, PE etc and dc could also give a reminder to the parent in the morning. My dd loves knowing what’s coming up. It also helps that my dc go to a school where a lot of parents forget so it’s not a big deal if they don’t dress up etc. Get dh to join the class Whatsapp group. If he is genuinely terrible at remembering through no fault of his own, play to your strengths eg dh in charge of ironing and vacuuming, dishwasher, bills, you maybe meal plan and helping order the weekly shop (but he puts it away and helps cook), reading school newsletter and highlighting the required parts. Also no one orders those terrible cards, if you have a decent class Whatsapp group all the parents can decide not to buy them en masse and support the school a different way! And those money grabbing companies are always pleased to get a late order.

I'm someone who is naturally quite disorganised OP and in the early years of parenting our DC I forgot things like dress ups days and ordering stuff on time too. What changed that is using my phone calendar for ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. So any time I get a communication from school with a date on it for anything at all, I put the item on my phone to do list (in Notes) and I put a reminder with an alarm so I know I have to action that particular thing by a particular time/date. Unless your DH is a halfwit he should also be able to do this! In recent years I've often had compliments from people for my organisation, but it's all as a result of using the technology we all carry around in our pockets 24 hours a day. Your DH needs a fucking rocket tbh and he needs to get his shit together.

If my son missed out on this due to my husband's lack of organisation, I will want to cry and get pissed off too. He makes a mistake and you try to sort it out and your son is the one who's missing out. I will take a pay cut and get him to do more hours. It's never gonna change. A man either have it in him or doesn't.

“I’m trying not to take it out on DH.“

Err why? It’s his bloody fault after all!

@Undisclosedlocation

“I’m trying not to take it out on DH.“

Err why? It’s his bloody fault after all!

I agree. I'm afraid I would very much be taking it out on my DH in this scenario until he had apologised, made it up to my DC and put in place a plan to stop it happening again. Why the care for his feelings when he didn't show much care for your DS's?

Your DS has had a lot to deal with (house move, new school etc.) presumably to facilitate a lifestyle change that your DH wanted. And your DH, having benefited from that lifestyle change and working reduced hours, can't even prioritise helping your DS fit in at his new school even after the sacrifices your DS has had to make for him.

I wouldn't be holding back.

"I think if he looked sad about it I’d feel better."

It's unfortunate timing that all three big Christmas tasks the child need done fell on DHs childcare days and not on your childcare days.

You know your DH is forgetful and these things don't blip on his radar.

I'm not unsympathetic, I think you may be allowing DH to fail and then hoping he notices his mistake and gets to feel 'bad' about it.

You feel bad a lot of the time and you think it's unfair that he never seems to feel bad that much and that doesn't have a 'mental load'. You would like DH to look sad and notice how his behaviour impacts you.

Ask yourself if the function of your behaviour is to help DH remember things, and that the household runs relatively well. Not that the function of your behaviour is to prove you are right in thinking DH is a waster and doesn't care about anyone but himself.

When you talk about your 'mental load' that is something you can do something about, have you thought about therapy for yourself. You might be able to carve out some happiness for yourself and reduce you mental load. No one can do that for you.

Then you might feel a bit more freer and feel like a happier person, regardless of what practical Reminders system you might have to put up in your kitchen.

I do all the things which relate to the children (eg clothing/after school activities, anything to do with the school, Xmas birthday presents etc) - as I think it's more important and also somewhat more enjoyable.

But most of what is to do with the house (including cooking, shopping, tidying, cleaning any DIY) I leave to him (we split the laundry and ironing, I would say). Because to me, that is less important, and he is equally affected if not done, so he will do it.
To be fair, I realise I am lucky, as most men are terrible with all of the above..... and I would also say our house is not dirty, but it is definitely not tidy, it is far from being a showhome.... but i can live with that.

If it's his job to remember this sort of thing then remind him what happens to people who cant/won't do their job.

As an aside there are lots of companies online where your dh could get your sons picture put on an xmas card. He could sort this very easily IF HE WANTED TO.....................................