To be really sad and upset at DH?

[Suspiciousmind20]

I work longer hours than DH who does a few hours here and there. I’m the main breadwinner. We moved recently and I was concerned re the longer commute and how I could continue to keep family life ticking along (I held the ‘mental load’ back then and was worried I wouldn’t have the energy to do it all still). DH reassured me that he’d take on more responsibility for life stuff as the change meant a drop in hours for him.

We have struggled. I still had the mental load. He didn’t really do the housework. So we now have a system. Bit better with house keeping now.

But recently, on his childcare day, when I’m working, he’s forgotten things like Xmas jumper day, Xmas school lunch for DS and said he’d order the Xmas cards DS designed at school but didn’t.

I just feel gutted for DS because he’s missed out. I don’t want to take over - it feels unfair that I still have the mental load for his days when I am at work and he may be does a couple of hours). But I can’t let this continue to happen to DS.

I feel trapped. If I take over I feel resentful. If I leave him to it this stuff happens a lot. He’s intelligent and has a good memory but he just doesn’t put thought into it and kind of drifts along. He’s great in lots of ways but this feels crap. I feel like crying for DS who is trying to fit into a new class.

This sort of thing is the biggest source of conflict between dh and I. Learned helplessness. Strategic incompetence, as another poster put it. Then passing the monkey back to me.

One poster mentioned meetings. Well I feel like I have to 'manage' dh like he was a lacklustre and lazy employee. And he feels like he is being managed as well.

OP, all I can say is I completely get it. There are days where I resent dh so much I can barely bring myself to speak to him. I do love him a lot less for it.

It's not important enough to him to remember. He needs to understand the longer term consequences of all these 'little' things adding up and how it will affect his relationship with his child and your relationship as a couple. If he wants to be organised and remember this stuff or set up systems to do so he will and if he doesn't want to he won't. That's the point at which you decide if you and your child get enough from the relationship or if you would be better off with the full work & mental load for just 2 of you rather than 3.

I'd be "suggesting" that he should pick up another job and use his pay to employ someone to do the housekeeping.

It's weird because I guess these men can manage to do these kinds of tasks at work.

I mean if they had to make an order of materials by x date, they would do it. So, I really don't buy that men are wired differently. It's just that they don't want to do this kind of work as they see it as women's work.

Tell him he needs to pull his socks up or he'll be fired. I'm sure he can understand that!

Tell him he has let his son down and ask him if he's happy with this or if he thinks he should come up with a system that works for him to get himself organized.

He's a grown adult. Not your second child.

Stuff like this makes my blood boil: selfish men who think they have the right to grind down the women they married into chronically exhausted beasts of burden. I'd be devastated if this happened to my daughter. It's parasitism. He's using your love for your son to enable himself to have an easy ride through life: because he knows you won't allow your son to grow up in a filthy home, or repeatedly miss out on special Christmas experiences with his friends...so he doesn't need to give a shit about any of that, just let you take it all on. Who cares least wins.

Having been in a similar situation, I've thought about this issue a lot and concluded divorce is the only solution. It's that or just learn to live with either the resentment of doing it all or the shame & distress of seeing your DS receive substandard care. He won't change because he knows he doesn't have to: you'll eventually crack and do the work because, ultimately, your tolerance for seeing your son go without is a lot lower than his.

Sounds like he's got what he wanted, move to a house and area he likes (i presume), and manages to drop his hours. Plus making a mess of his responsibilities mean you pick it up again.

I'd be asking him to do more hours at work and you so less even if it leaves you with less money

Wow what a loser.
Another incompetent man.

@PussInBin20 my DH just wouldn’t see this stuff as a priority for him.

This is really sad that your DH and a lot of men don't prioritise their children. I don't know if you realise the weight of what you've said there that I've quoted.

@Suspiciousmind20 this goes for you too

If your "D"H's don't care to prioritise their children or you what use are they? Seriously and with kindness, have a good long think about that question.

A partner is supposed to be exactly that, a partner. A team member. If you aren't working towards shared goals, helping each other out and each doing your bit for the good of the team as a whole.
If one or both of you aren't doing these things then you are on opposing teams, no longer a partnership.

A partner is supposed to enhance your life not make yours and your children's lives sadder and harder.

Take over not fair on your kid

No advice just sympathy

It's totally shit and somehow a problem even women with "good husbands" seem to have.

I have had the mental load conversation repeatedly and am already sick of the "would you mind" "can you please"
Our bathroom needs a clean and CLEARLY smells of mould as I haven't been monitoring ventilation post my DHs showers as much as usual as pregnant and very sleepy due to insomnia. I am 6/7 months pregnant if I just do it I will be chastised and he'll then take over and huff but there is no chance in hell he will just smell it and clean the bathroom on his own. I know if I just mention the smell I'll get told I am delusional and imagining it and it's fine. Then he will be all huffy if I directly ask him to clean it.
I can't even delegate jobsike his manager. he still wants my input and it drives me a bit insane.
I often wonder how this is my life now and in my deepest heart don't feel I can truly rely on him which he finds offensive and unjustified and gets very hurt over.
Despite saying "oh let's see" I have already decided we are sticking at 1 child. My job is well paid but demanding. we couldn't afford the house without it (I make 75% of household income) and I know I cannot hold the whole thing together with two.

My pregnancy has made me less able to do things and carry the load. Its all good intentions, not consciously knowing, forgetting, being too stressed and doesn't do things and then the puppy face and sad feelings. he now talking about seeing a therapist because he is overwhelmed by life in general and I want to be supportive but I just think wtf is going to happen when our child is here. I can't even voice this to him

What consequences does your totalwasteofspace partner experience for dropping the ball so spectacularly, @Totalwasteofpaper?

Or does none of this disrespect for you and for your shared home have an impact on him at all?

The usual 'just tell me what needs doing' trope. Which means you might as well have done it yourself because half of the time is checking they've done it. They haven't or have half done it. You either do it yourself and tell them. They then say 'I was just going to do that' or 'you should have just told me'.

I hate that. Much of has been resolved by now but bloody hell it was fairly hard to get it out of his clenched fist. However, I was raised by a powerhouse of a woman, and had brothers to boot - he was no match for me really.

@PussInBin20

YANBU. I could never trust my DH to do any of this. Tbh I just think men are wired different to us. I know this sounds a cop out but my DH just wouldn’t see this stuff as a priority for him.

Personally I would do it so that neither you nor your son are upset again but I would make sure your DH knows and give him another job to be responsible for.

Probably not what you want to hear but what’s the alternative? Rubbish isn’t it?

tbh I just think men are wired different to us. I know this sounds a cop out but my DH just wouldn’t see this stuff as a priority for him.

Because he does not have to.

Because you will step in - as you say.

Because you will be "mummy" to both.

It very much depends whether your son cares.

If he (your son) does, then, yes, he is letting him down and needs to step up.

If your son doesn’t care about Christmas jumper day, photos etc, and you are more concerned about school gate gossip, then it is just different parenting styles.

Some of this sounds v trivial to me and, if you want your husband to be the SAHP, you need to stop micromanaging him.

It sounds fairly awful written down but we in general have a good life and he tries.
He will happily make me teas and cook if I pick the meal, wash and eventually put away his laundry (and mine) or unstack the dishwasher (but never remember to turn it on). He also does all the insurance stuff annually.

There aren't really any dire consequences for him per se.
With big ticket items I make it happen or support then drop it.
He wanted a summer house - I did all the research, took us to a showroom got quotes and left it to him. We have a falling down shed.
We needed a car. I researched, picked it and bought and negotiated it myself because we have a baby coming.
Shared parental leave - we have 15 weeks full pay he is eligible to claim. I did all the leg work as he insisted wasnt eligible. I asked him to propose dates and sort application and suggested ee could have a month or so when baby is 4 mo ths old - upshot is i am taking full mat leave. This suits me in some ways.

I would love to understand how to help him as he genuinely seems overwhelmed with life in general. I am really hoping he goes to therapy and it helps.

I do wonder if it will at some point drive our generally excellent marriage to a crisis point.

Sorry to hijack the thread. Will stop now 😳

I’d do it myself if it means that much.
But I’ll tell you now that your resentment will lead to the end of your marriage, because your DH won’t change.

@Totalwasteofpaper

Sorry to hijack the thread. Will stop now 😳

I can assure you he won’t change, even when baby comes along. Eventually you will feel resentful. Make sure your ducks are in a row now, in case you need it in the future.

I'm with @TheReluctantPhoenix on this. You're micromanaging. Is this stuff THAT important?

How many hours does he work?

What responsibilities does he take on at home and do well?

If he works 20 hours and does all housework and food shopping for example, then I don't really see why he has to do everything. Plenty of posts on here from SAHMs and women working part time who are told that their dh still needs to take responsibility for aspects of family life.

If he works an hour a day and doesn't do much beyond making dinner then yes that's rubbish.

Maybe you need to take responsibility for school admin and let him take on something you're currently doing.

So - you travel the furthest for work (less time), earn the most, do most of the mental load, and he cannot remember a jumper.

Any long conversation about this he will tune out, and wait you out.

Try this out loud a few times, then use in front of dh:

"oh ds, did daddy let you down re your jumper? I am sorry sweetheart. Hopefully next time it will be better." Repeat as needed. (try not to fix it for ds).

And to dh -

"Sweetheart, I see that you are overwhelemed by your share of the childcare for DS. You need to hire someone to cover your side. It cannot be paid for from the family pot because I do mine on top of everything else so that wouldn't be fair, right? It needs to be sorted before he goes back after Christmas."
HIM: "I can't afford that!"
YOU:"The whole country is almost at a standstill for lack of workers, go to x pub".
That might help his memory!

You need to hold firm. Force some respect for both ds and you. His behaviour is selfish beyond measure, it is not being a team player, and there is very little 'give' in him. You need a giver by your side.

I would love to understand how to help him as he genuinely seems overwhelmed with life in general. I am really hoping he goes to therapy and it helps

I do wonder if it will at some point drive our generally excellent marriage to a crisis point.

@Totalwasteofpaper
I would strongly suggest introducing some motivating factor, and also that if there is something you really want, just do it/get it yourself. Don't do homework for him. Don't do research. Don't scaffold. Let him fail.

I suspect his passenger approach to your relationship will eventually be corrosive. I am not sure there is all that much to be understood about this problem. It's a case of someone seeing that another person is willing to do work that they would rather not bother with.

Leaving the laundry until he eventually puts it away is a game of chicken. If he leaves it long enough, will you do it? If he does the odd grown up thing like cooking, will you be so grateful for that that he gets away with not planning the meal or washing up everything afterwards?

By motivating factor I mean you stop providing the mental donkey work to projects an adult should be able to do from start to finish.
He will happily make me teas and cook if I pick the meal, wash and eventually put away his laundry (and mine) or unstack the dishwasher (but never remember to turn it on). He also does all the insurance stuff annually.
There are eleven year old children who can do all of that, maybe minus the insurance stuff.

If there's a full dishwasher which he forgets to turn on, take out a plate for yourself and wash it by hand. He can do the same for himself.

Wash and put away your own laundry. Leave his completely up to him.

You are going to have a lot on your hands during your mat leave. I would bet the farm that his incompetence will develop exponentially during your leave, and by the end of it you will be sick and tired of dealing with every single detail of both of your lives as well as exhausted from the mental load of mothering a baby 24/7. Then when you return to work everything you had to do on mat leave will still be left to you.

@PussInBin20

YANBU. I could never trust my DH to do any of this. Tbh I just think men are wired different to us. I know this sounds a cop out but my DH just wouldn’t see this stuff as a priority for him.

Personally I would do it so that neither you nor your son are upset again but I would make sure your DH knows and give him another job to be responsible for.

Probably not what you want to hear but what’s the alternative? Rubbish isn’t it?

We’re not wired differently.

Not seeing your child as a priority is a choice, it isn’t an innate thing.

You have married a child