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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up house to get a house for my kids

351 replies

NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:08

Hi,

Me and DH have just split after 16 years. We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 children. I won’t be eligible to buy somehwere for the 3 of us with that deposit as I don’t have an income, and I’m in the south east, so wouldn’t even get me a studio flat.

As I’d have 85k I wouldn’t get help with being housed. It’s not enough to buy somehwere, but too much to be entitled to help.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

OP posts:

ChicCroissant · 07/12/2021 12:18

You'll probably have to rent for a bit, I note that you are not working currently - is that likely to change, are you able to work in the future because that would obviously help with the mortgage aspect and buying your own property.

Original poster

NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:21

Yes, renting, so it would be better to sign it over to him wouldn’t it, rather than just give it to a landlord instead of the girls.

He won’t waste it or spend it, it will be for the kids as he is well off and doesn’t need it.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 07/12/2021 12:25

I wouldnt do this as 1, if you give it away it will be noted that you gave this money away and will affect benefits too, and 2, you will regret it not getting back on the housing ladder. You need to find work and use that 85k on a substantial deposit for a cheap flat imo.

lastqueenofscotland · 07/12/2021 12:26

Don’t do that, no guarantee that he’ll do as you ask.
Get a job and use it as a large deposit

FriedasCarLoad · 07/12/2021 12:28

What if he marries and doesn't write a will? It would all go to his wife. What if he makes a terrible financial decision and loses most of it? And even if he never marries and does everything right, it could so easily all be used in care home fees.

If you rent and work on your career for a few years you might be able to get a mortgage or shared ownership.

At the very least, it would be safer in a trust fund for the children (maybe accessible at 25 rather than 18), than with your ex. Although the children might then blow the lot - who knows what they'll be like at that age?

Definitely speak to a solicitor before making any decisions.

HeyDugeesCakeBadge · 07/12/2021 12:29

No don't give it to your ex. What if he gets married and it doesn't end up going to the girls? If you can find work, 85k is a fair deposit for a flat or small house. Is there a possibility of moving further out to buy somewhere?

gukvguk · 07/12/2021 12:29

So you could have 85k and pay your own way or give it away and expect the tax payer to fund you?

Wonderful.

Get a job and pay your rent that way.

Negligee · 07/12/2021 12:31

I think you need to focus on getting a job first.

Mrscaptainraymondholt · 07/12/2021 12:31

don't give it to him as also if he remarries and then dies without a will specifically stating its for the kids then it will go to his new wife etc...

it's also fraudulent to give it away when you could use it to house yourself.... one option is to buy somewhere cheap and rent it out and then rent yourself until you are in a position to get a mortgage and buy your own place to live at which point you sell the small place to release the funds to buy where you are and hopefully the value will have increased a little

Fatgalslim · 07/12/2021 12:32

@gukvguk

So you could have 85k and pay your own way or give it away and expect the tax payer to fund you?

Wonderful.

Get a job and pay your rent that way.

Yeah, I probably wouldn't have been quite so blunt but I agree with this

GloriousGoosebumps · 07/12/2021 12:32

Signing the house over to your partner will not guarantee that your £85k eventually goes to your joint children. He is likely to marry and have further children. Any house he owns at his death is likely to go to his then wife and she may decide to leave her estate to her biological children thus disinheriting your children. There are many "first families" who miss out on inheritance because it goes to the second wife's children.

Notanotherusernamenow · 07/12/2021 12:32

You can live off £85k for 2-3 years!! Why on earth would you give it up???

Or you can rent somewhere decent enough for 2 years, plus invest in finding a job - upskilling, volunteering, paying for childcare, getting a professional wardrobe, etc.

EdgeOfTheSky · 07/12/2021 12:32

No way would I sign it over to him!

If he is wealthy why doesn’t he sign over his half to you, or to the Dc, in trust? So that they have a roof over their heads and their future protected?

Every single man I know has prioritised his new young wife over the interests of his children. Mid life crisis, head turned, woman keen to protect her own security and not be turfed out when he dies….

FanSpamTastic · 07/12/2021 12:32

Why can't you stay in the house until the DC are 18 and he moves out and finds somewhere else if he can afford a mortgage? Negotiate an agreed split of property value and how much you can afford to pay towards the mortgage - or he can keep paying the mortgage and maintain a share in the equity.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 07/12/2021 12:32

If he's well off and doesn't need it, can't he just give you the house instead?

ChicCroissant · 07/12/2021 12:33

@NoNameHere12

Yes, renting, so it would be better to sign it over to him wouldn’t it, rather than just give it to a landlord instead of the girls.

He won’t waste it or spend it, it will be for the kids as he is well off and doesn’t need it.

No, it would be better for you to sort your side of this out yourself.

Which will be more difficult without an income, but you are going to need to pay to rent somewhere for you and your girls if you can't buy another property when you leave your current one.

meh12 · 07/12/2021 12:33

Best thing you can do with that money for your girls is to set up a new life for yourself, get a home, pay for some training if required and get yourself a job and pension (assuming you are able to work of course). Try to save as much as you can and maybe one day you will be able to buy your own home.

Notanotherusernamenow · 07/12/2021 12:34

Plus afford the odd luxury, like take the kids on holiday.

A life on benefits would be awful - no treats, trapped in a poverty cycle, whilst dad builds on his wealth and security and so becomes the fun one who can do trips and new clothes.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/12/2021 12:34

what did you do for work before kids? Is there a way of using some of the money for a rental whilst you get back to work- still have some deposit?
I wouldnt assume anything of an ex- could get remarried/ get a gambling addiction/ etc etc- dont give any money over to him on assumptions or assurances

arethereanyleftatall · 07/12/2021 12:34

Don't give it to him!! That would be absurd.

£85k is a sizeable deposit.

Many areas of the country that would nearly buy you a house!

Mortgages take in to account child maintenance, spousal maintenance, child benefit as income. If he has a good job, and you're not working (presumably due to caring responsibilities?) then he will need to pay cm and sm. (and before anyone says they don't pay sm any more, they did for me just a few months back, same circs).

I'd rent until your dc are in school, then get a job, together with benefits above, that'll get you a mortgage.

NeedsCharging · 07/12/2021 12:35

You really are not thinking straight OP.
You cannot believe it is OK to give away £85,000 in order to claim benefits?

LefttoherownDevizes · 07/12/2021 12:35

That would count as deprivation of assets and bean you would not qualify for state support. And surely you must know in the SE there is a dearth of social housing, you may have little control over where you would be housed. In my area (London/Surrey/Kent borders) people are shipped up to Lancashire and Yorkshire to be housed, would you really want that?

If the answer is yes then have a look at properties as your £85k deposit may go quite far.

You could get a fairly decent mobile home with site fees for that money, could that be an option?

YetAnotherManicMonday1234 · 07/12/2021 12:36

No way. Let him buy you out or take your share and put it towards your future. House deposit, retrain, whatever.

Pippa12 · 07/12/2021 12:37

I’m probably going to sound harsh but honestly give it away so the benefits system can fund your housing. Surely we should be safeguarding that for those who have found themselves in unfortunate circumstances, not those with 85k in the bloody bank.

I honestly hope to god there is a clause in the benefits conditions which prevents this foul play!

Get a job. Pay your way.

EdgeOfTheSky · 07/12/2021 12:37

He won’t waste it or spend it, it will be for the kids as he is well off and doesn’t need it

So, he can afford to sign his half over to the kids, in trust, til the youngest is 21, say, or has left Uni. Enabling them to live in the house.

It would mean you would need to get a job to pay the mortgage. He will be liable to pay CM. Is the mortgage payment massive?

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