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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up house to get a house for my kids

351 replies

NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:08

Hi,

Me and DH have just split after 16 years. We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 children. I won’t be eligible to buy somehwere for the 3 of us with that deposit as I don’t have an income, and I’m in the south east, so wouldn’t even get me a studio flat.

As I’d have 85k I wouldn’t get help with being housed. It’s not enough to buy somehwere, but too much to be entitled to help.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 07/12/2021 12:38

Get a job or even 2 you are in the SE so shouldn’t be that hard, use the money as a large deposit on a flat, you will be glad you did.

Ozanj · 07/12/2021 12:40

This is a ridiculous idea. Because whether he buys you out or not the very fact that the house is in your name means you won’t get any benefits. Get legal advice - you may be entitled to a bigger share if you have more than 50/50 custody and you stay put in the family home.

dreamingbohemian · 07/12/2021 12:40

Honestly, people have the most insane ideas about renting in this country

You'd rather give away £85,000 than rent privately??? Good lord

You need a solicitor to see if you can stay in the house until the kids are 18, given that he is wealthy enough to fund his own housing without the 85K apparently

Ozanj · 07/12/2021 12:41

In the meantime start looking for a job, get child benefit in your name.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/12/2021 12:41

That would be deprivation of assets... Don't do it!!

Also it's bloody madness...

You cannot rely on your ex to leave this to your children... ALL he has to do is remarry and not leave a will /change a will and all the money /both 'yours' and his would go to New wife and their children..

I've seen this happen too many times... Men talk themselves out of any responsibility to their first families... Egged in by their present wife....

Further, if he doesn't need the money... Why can't he :give the house to you??

Get some proper legal advice from a lawyer... Not on MN

canary1 · 07/12/2021 12:41

Deprivation of assets

hotmeatymilk · 07/12/2021 12:42

Why are the options “keep the money for housing but it won’t go anywhere because south east” and “give money to ex”? What about renting, but putting that money in pension and S&S ISA. Or getting a job and using it as a deposit on a 2-bed somewhere. Or moving to a cheaper part of the country – obviously tricky if ex-H is staying put.

But I can think of 1,001 uses for £85k before I’d get to “let my ex have it on the off chance my children inherit it”

Isis1981uk · 07/12/2021 12:42

This was literally the situation my ex and I were in. He moved into a house 2 hours away with a girlfriend, and the kids and I stayed in the house. I could afford the mortgage on my own, but my ex was desperate for money (we both had £90,000 equity in the house but, like you, I'm in the SE and with my solo salary I wouldn't have been able to buy anywhere near my kids' school). I stuck to my guns and stayed in the house, knowing it was better for the kids and that my ex couldn't afford to fight it in court.

Luckily I met the love of my life shortly after the separation and, 3 years on, we've bought my ex husband out of the house.

I've been told that most courts would not make a mum with kids leave the family home as it's in the best interests of the kids to stay there, so I'd stay there as long as you can, if you can afford the mortgage. The downside is that he can legally enter the house whenever he wants, so you have that hanging over you.

Ohshittt · 07/12/2021 12:42

To add to everything else that has even said; what's to say you will even be homed by the council/housing association? There's a major housing crisis going on with people in genuine need. Not people with 85k to 'give away'. They would probably have the kids stay with your ex and put you in some sort of bedsit if you were lucky. It's not as easy as rocking up and asking for a new lovely house to live in 😂

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/12/2021 12:43

Why can't he give you the house for his kids??? Why does it have to be you.
I did this and the money didn't go to my ex's son he squandered the whole lot over the years. I never thought he would do this but he made a load of poor choices and wasted the lot.
What if he gets married to someone else and has kids with her? The money isn't going to go to your children.
Luckily I had a great job and was able to buy a new house on my own without any of his money so I was ok.
Can't you put that money into a trust fund for the kids or something so it's not your money any more and cannot be assessed for benefits.
I'd see a solicitor and see what can be done but for Gods sake don't trust your partner. he could easily blow the lot.

Original poster
NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:45

I’m in the south east, I haven’t looked on rightmove as I’m too scared, but I imagine rent for a 2 bedroom flat (I will sleep in the front room) is very expensive, I can’t see a standard job being enough to pay rent, so once the 85k runs out, we will be homeless.
Getting two jobs is not a problem, I’m not work shy, but I have no family so how would it cover rent in south east and wraparound childcare?

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets1 · 07/12/2021 12:46

No - as advised it would be deprivation of assets. You need to live of the money if you aren't working. You can save 6k and you may be able to put a small amount into savings for the children but you need to check this out properly.

nokidshere · 07/12/2021 12:47

Madness. You need to seek legal advice.

Original poster
NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:48

Yes well that’s the problem, he won’t leave so I have too. I can’t live like this.
I just don’t know what to do!!

OP posts:
meh12 · 07/12/2021 12:48

You pay for wraparound care from your salary, plus some UC/TC if eligible and presumably your ex as he's well off and so well intentioned with the kids?

You've got a lot of research to do, you need to start with how you fund yourself rather than this bizarre idea of hoarding your cash via your ex, you're very lucky to be starting with £85k, very few single parents have that! Time to step up and look at the sensible options.

AnotherEmma · 07/12/2021 12:49

Pedantic point: it's confusing to refer to him as your DH if he's not.

Anyway. Can you reach an agreement with him that you can stay in the property with the children until the youngest turns 18? You say he's well off so he might be able to afford to rent (or even buy) without his share of the equity? If the two of you can reach an agreement about this, you could get an legal agreement drawn up.

It would be wise to get some legal advice. Your local citizens advice will probably have details of any local solicitors and law clinics that offer a free or low cost consultation. There is also lots of helpful information on the Advicenow website. eg www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-living-together-and-breaking

How old are your children? Do you claim child benefit? Do you have any income or savings in your own name? Are you able to look for work?

If staying in the house in not an option, look into shared ownership. If you can find a suitable property it could be a good solution. You could use your share of the equity to purchase the share that you own, and you would pay rent on the other share. You could claim Universal Credit (including the housing element).

You can't just give your money away in order to be eligible for benefits and social housing. That would be deprivation of assets.

Thursdaymiami · 07/12/2021 12:50

What adult ever said they were too scared to look at rightmove.

Job first.
Top up benefits
Child maintenance

Surely you could manage on that. Why don’t you work ?
How old are the children, it doesn’t make sense that you’ve been together for 16 years yet you need wrap around care?
Surely they’re old enough to just go to a sitter after school? And you weren’t married and don’t work, yet have school age children. I mean it was just a recipe for disaster

You just need to step up to the plate and stop expecting other people (your ex, the state) to support you

MaskingForIt · 07/12/2021 12:50

For goodness sake don’t give it all to your ex. When he dies it’ll all go to his new wife and her children, your children will be left penniless.

Either find a way to give it to your children now, or use it to get yourself set up in your new life. Give the children the maximum allowed each year.

Original poster
NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:51

Yes, I think I’m just panicking and catastrophising everything. I feel like my life is turning the wrong way around!

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 07/12/2021 12:51

@arethereanyleftatall the clue is in the name though - spousal maintenance - the OP isn't actually married (despite calling him her husband in the first sentence).

Skeumorph · 07/12/2021 12:52

No, you don't leave.

He can afford to, he goes.

Ask him to give you his equity, instead, if YOU are going to be housing the children?

dreamingbohemian · 07/12/2021 12:52

@NoNameHere12

I’m in the south east, I haven’t looked on rightmove as I’m too scared, but I imagine rent for a 2 bedroom flat (I will sleep in the front room) is very expensive, I can’t see a standard job being enough to pay rent, so once the 85k runs out, we will be homeless. Getting two jobs is not a problem, I’m not work shy, but I have no family so how would it cover rent in south east and wraparound childcare?
Assuming you are not in London proper, let's say a 2 bed is 1300/month.

That's 15K a year, so even if you had no other income at all coming in, you could pay rent for five years on that.

BUT you will have other income, you will have child maintenance and you will get a job or two. So no, you will not be homeless.

You really need to get informed about everything really quickly OP, about your rights to stay in the house and about what rents and salaries are like in your area.

FangsForTheMemory · 07/12/2021 12:52

You need a Shit Hot Lawyer. If you're providing a home for your two kids, that should be taken into account.

needmoreshinys · 07/12/2021 12:52

You can claim the benefits that you need to help with rent etc.

But I agree with PP, you seem to have rose tinted glasses on with regards to being able to rock up and claim a council house.

Assuming you are accepted onto the housing list, you maybe placed into a B&B, from what I remember that is only meant to be 6 months maximum if you have kids, but it never is and it is much harder to get out of that and into private rental, especially if you are throwing yourself on the mercy of the council, you might not even end up in the area you are in now, if (and big if) you actually are offered a house.

I am in Surrey, a 2 bed flat starts at £900, you can, if you are savvy get them cheaper, but they get snapped up quick.

Booklover3 · 07/12/2021 12:53

Do NOT give it to your ex. You will just be shopping yourself in the foot