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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up house to get a house for my kids

351 replies

NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:08

Hi,

Me and DH have just split after 16 years. We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 children. I won’t be eligible to buy somehwere for the 3 of us with that deposit as I don’t have an income, and I’m in the south east, so wouldn’t even get me a studio flat.

As I’d have 85k I wouldn’t get help with being housed. It’s not enough to buy somehwere, but too much to be entitled to help.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

OP posts:
Verbena17 · 07/12/2021 13:18

Pretty sure that if the kids are under 18, you’re entitled to remain in the family home until the youngest is 18.
Plus, if you’re not working, there is something about him paying you a dependent allowance/salary.....although not sure if that is only for spouses, not partners.

dottiedodah · 07/12/2021 13:19

I would not do this .The Benefit system will find out anyway ,you could get in trouble .My DSIS is in a similar position and has had to down size considerably . If you are not working ,then best to find a job .If you are working can you increase your hours at all? You mention living in the SE can you move out to somewhere cheaper. Maybe get a second hand bike to commute (or even to the station) Sadly you cannot really expect to swap lifestyle like for like once you are a SP .

EnidSpyton · 07/12/2021 13:20

@NoNameHere12

Ok, seems it best to keep it. I’m not thinking clearly. I will get legal advice.

In the meantime. If I did move far up north, would that be ok? Would I be allowed to “take” the kids that far away from where he would live? How would custody work? Is it the case that it just does?

Also, I’m the main carer as I work from home, and even if I didn’t, there isn’t a chance in hell I would leave my children with anyone.

You need legal advice.

Custody arrangements will need to be put in place and you can't just take the kids anywhere you like. Everything will have to be agreed and written into custody arrangements.

If your partner will have the kids every other weekend and you move a 6 hour drive away then obviously that will make this a logistical nightmare. Wherever you move to, it will have to work within the custody arrangements you make.

As I say, you need legal advice and you need it now. You must get a solicitor ASAP.

Viviennemary · 07/12/2021 13:20

AFAIK it would be counted as deprivation of assets if you intend to apply for means tested benefits. So not straightforward at all.

TherapistInATabard · 07/12/2021 13:21

@NoNameHere12

Ok, seems it best to keep it. I’m not thinking clearly. I will get legal advice.

In the meantime. If I did move far up north, would that be ok? Would I be allowed to “take” the kids that far away from where he would live? How would custody work? Is it the case that it just does?

Also, I’m the main carer as I work from home, and even if I didn’t, there isn’t a chance in hell I would leave my children with anyone.

What does your last line mean? You'd never use childcare?
Udouhun · 07/12/2021 13:21

dcadmam they're not married so I don't think she's entitled to his pension.

Heronwatcher · 07/12/2021 13:21

I think the questions about relocating and access are things you need to discuss with your partner. But yes if you can’t afford to live near your ex then moving is a perfectly sensible idea- plus there are many places within 2-3 hours of the SE which are much cheaper. You and your partner need to discuss this like adults- you’d only not be able to move if he got a court order stopping you and it should never come to that. I agree with previous posters that you should also start researching shared ownership places near to you too.

Original poster
NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 13:22

Someone said leaving my girls with the dad and me moving out, I was referring to that, I could never leave them behind.

Yes their dad is a good dad (shit partner though) but I wouldn’t have any concerns with him looking after them, I was just saying I would never leave them and move out without them.

OP posts:
Raspberriesbananas · 07/12/2021 13:22

You are not married, if you split it will be very awkward financially. Let him buy you out.

Use that money to try and keep you above water till you get a job.

Clymene · 07/12/2021 13:22

@dcadmam

Why are you assuming the split us 50:50. As non working mother of 2 kids you are entitled to more and maybe even to stay in marital home until kids are 18. And you are entitled to share of his pension Do not agree to anything without legal advice
They aren't married. She's not entitled to a share of his pension
Maxiedog123 · 07/12/2021 13:23

How old are your children? If school age you might need to look for a part time salaried job to supplement your business if you can't support yourself with the business.

EnidSpyton · 07/12/2021 13:24

@NoNameHere12

Someone said leaving my girls with the dad and me moving out, I was referring to that, I could never leave them behind.

Yes their dad is a good dad (shit partner though) but I wouldn’t have any concerns with him looking after them, I was just saying I would never leave them and move out without them.

Have you actually discussed custody, relocating, finances, and what happens next with your partner?

If he's a good dad, is he not able to put the kids and their welfare first in ensuring you are able to secure suitable accommodation for you all? Or is your relationship so acrimonious that his priority is not the kids, but punishing you?

If it's the latter then you really need to get some legal advice. If he won't engage then you'll need to make him by getting solicitors involved.

edwinbear · 07/12/2021 13:25

It's not just about him potentially remarrying, but if he needs to go into a care home in the future your £85k will get swallowed up in care home fees. You must keep your equity OP, you really must.

elbea · 07/12/2021 13:25

You can’t wilfully deprived yourself of assets in order to claim benefits, it’s fraud. The benefits office will treat you as if you hadn’t given the money away so you’d get no benefits and have no cash lump sum.

millymolls · 07/12/2021 13:25

To posters - they are not married so no entitlement to pensions
Even if married there is no automatic right to remain in the house until children are 18
If unmarried I believe through TOLATA and other acts it can be possible to remain. - but no automatic presumption
You cannot simplest move hours away unless your ex agrees presuming he has full parental responsibility. He could obtain prohibitive steps order to stop this

You need to seek legal
Advise and talk through what options you have

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2021 13:27

Pretty sure that if the kids are under 18, you’re entitled to remain in the family home until the youngest is 18.

^^
This is not correct, not even if you were married

I’d also seek legal advice

Joystir59 · 07/12/2021 13:28

You won't get any help with housing if you give all that capital away and neither should you.

Crazykatie · 07/12/2021 13:28

Maybe your OH has agreed to £85k but you don’t have the marriage entitlement so your share will be related to your contribution and you should get child support as well.

You say there is £170k equity, is that related to the original purchase price 16yrs ago or todays value which will be much higher

You do need a solicitor to sort this out

StaplesCorner · 07/12/2021 13:28

I can't understand why he won't offer to let you stay in the house, you get a job and pay the mortgage, he gets his equity when they are 18. Why won't he help you? is he punishing you? Is he abusive? Is he on the kids' birth certificates?

You need a shed load of legal advice; so much needs to be sorted out. OK you are in a shitty position as you are not married, but he still needs to pay for the children - how old are they now?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2021 13:30

“If you want to keep this house, but also want me and the kids to remain nearby you need to buy my share for more than £85k. Otherwise I’ve got no choice but to move to a cheaper area, and as the primary carer it’s likely the children will remain with me.”

Swonderswoman · 07/12/2021 13:30

there isn’t a chance in hell I would leave my children with anyone

What? Why? How the hell were you making £30k a couple of years ago by working from home when your kids were asleep?! You need to share some tips I think, sounds like the golden unicorn that I frequently see MNetters looking for.

MrMrsJones · 07/12/2021 13:30

If he is so wealthy, why doesn't he provide for his children and help you buy a home for them to live in?

Could it be put in their names and yours so a third each, with you being able to live there until they are 25 or something?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2021 13:30

^^
That’s the pragmatic negotiation rather than legal argument suggestion

wetpebbles · 07/12/2021 13:31

I just checked on Rightmove and can see flats and park homes for under £80,000 around Gloucester area so start looking! Good luck 🤞

Swonderswoman · 07/12/2021 13:32

@Swonderswoman

there isn’t a chance in hell I would leave my children with anyone

What? Why? How the hell were you making £30k a couple of years ago by working from home when your kids were asleep?! You need to share some tips I think, sounds like the golden unicorn that I frequently see MNetters looking for.

Sorry I see latest update you meant you wouldn't leave your kids living with their dad, not that you never use childcare.