Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up house to get a house for my kids

351 replies

NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:08

Hi,

Me and DH have just split after 16 years. We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 children. I won’t be eligible to buy somehwere for the 3 of us with that deposit as I don’t have an income, and I’m in the south east, so wouldn’t even get me a studio flat.

As I’d have 85k I wouldn’t get help with being housed. It’s not enough to buy somehwere, but too much to be entitled to help.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

OP posts:
irene9 · 07/12/2021 13:04

How many months rent would 85,000 buy you?
Quite a lot.

EIIa · 07/12/2021 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Bettyboopawoop · 07/12/2021 13:06

What happens if he meets someone else and decides to leave the house to her?

dustandfluf · 07/12/2021 13:07

@gukvguk

So you could have 85k and pay your own way or give it away and expect the tax payer to fund you?

Wonderful.

Get a job and pay your rent that way.

This. You are very fortunate to have this kind of money. If you can't afford to buy where you are you need to move somewhere more affordable. That's what plenty of people have to do. I would love 85k if my own to put towards a property. I rent and work full time for nhs so have what's considered a 'livable' salary but will not be able to buy anytime soon. You need to get a job to support your children. How else will you feed them?
beastlyslumber · 07/12/2021 13:07

Get a lawyer
Get a lawyer
Get a lawyer

Platax · 07/12/2021 13:08

Why do you assume you won't get any maintenance for the children from your ex?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2021 13:09

Terrible, terrible idea. Got to be the second worst idea I’ve heard on MN (after the woman who wanted to give her H two more chances to strangle her)

Either take the money and private rent or move to an area where it is enough for a deposit.

minimecantrollerskate · 07/12/2021 13:09

No way should you give the money to your ex, you have no guarantee that your DC will ever receive it. You could invest the money in a BTL flat if you can't buy something big enough to live in.

It would also pay your living expenses for several years if you have to rent higher than what you can afford (if you are unable to lower your expectations say for school area or whatever). . I know it is tough to see the equity go, but that is what it is there for, and there is no way that the government should keep somebody who has £85K in the bank.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 07/12/2021 13:11

Do you think your business will bounce back? As Covid recedes will the need for it return? Can you pause it or keep it as a side hustle while you get a job to meet mortgage needs?

I'm assuming your business is something that fits around the kids there though.

If you think it's got long term potential then 2 years rent in the south east will be ~£25k so you'll still have £60k and that's if you live off maintenance, your current income and non means tested benefits and use the savings for housing.

If the business won't get back to a decent income then you're better to get job and have partner do 50-50 childcare

LolaButt · 07/12/2021 13:12

@TheCatterall

Get Legal Advice.

Qualified. Not armchair experts from Mumsnet.

Agreed!!!
MLMshouldbeillegal · 07/12/2021 13:12

Also agree that it's madness to think that it's OK to give £85k away and then expect the rest of us who pay tax to subsidise you.

There are lots of places in the UK where you could buy a perfectly decent house for £80 - £85k.

FreeBritnee · 07/12/2021 13:13

Well no because if he marries someone else that money could end up in her pocket, not your children’s. You need a plan.

Heronwatcher · 07/12/2021 13:13

I think you are panicking and I understand why, but you need to pause and think. Firstly would your DH agree to leave you in the house for a couple of years so you can get the kids a bit older so that childcare is a bit easier? If you do sell the house, and you’re housing the kids for the majority of the time then you should get a higher proportion of the equity- even if some reverts to him eventually (so if you sell it or remarry you pay him back some money). I do agree though that you need to think of a longer term plan- and you need to find a way to be financially independent. When is he going to have access to the kids? Can you work or study then- and yes it might be good to try to get a decent salaried job even for a short time to get a mortgage. If you earned 30k and got a deposit of 120k then you could probably get a mortgage of at least 200k which is enough for a 2 bed flat in most places. And if totally impossible then you should definitely consider relocating somewhere cheaper- it might seem upsetting but in the long term it might be a better plan than renting. There is also no guarantee that you’d get a council house, particularly in the south east (you might end up in a bedsit for years), and if you did get one it might be in a really grotty area/ terrible schools etc- far better to stand on your own feet.

EnidSpyton · 07/12/2021 13:14

Why do you need to remain in the South East? Is this so that the girls can see their father? Or do you have family in the area you want to remain close to? If it's not essential to stay in the South East, then you would have far more affordable options if you went further North.

That being said, the South East is a huge area. It encompasses London and its immediate environs - which are expensive - but also far cheaper areas, such as East Kent, the Kent and Sussex coasts, etc. It would be perfectly possible to rent a flat or even small house in these areas. In Canterbury, for example, you can rent a 2 bed flat for £1k per month, and buy a three bed house for less than £250k .

If your business is doing terribly you need to sit down and really think about how you want to move forward with it. How much time are you putting into the business for how much financial return? How much scope is there for business to improve over the next 12-24 months? If you're spending a huge amount of time for little return and a small prospect of significant financial recovery in the short to medium term, it might be wiser to wind up the business and find alternative employment. If you need some expert advice about this, contact your local Business Bureau - they may be able to put you in touch with a local business owner who can mentor you and give you a fresh eye to see what potential the business has. If it's not earning you anything, as hard as it might be to give it up, for now, you might have to. The priority is getting cash coming in and being able to save for the future - if you can't do that with your business within a reasonable timeframe then you need to start earning elsewhere.

I would also add that my dearest friend runs the Housing service for one of the London boroughs. She has a 25 YEAR waiting list for council properties. Relying on the council housing you is a very dangerous game. Also, I doubt very much if you would even be eligible - you could be classed as making yourself intentionally homeless if you willingly gave up your share of your house, which would mean you wouldn't qualify for council support. There is advice on that here:
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/intentionally_homeless

I'm sure right now you feel all at sea and desperate. This isn't going to be an easy journey, but with £80k to last you for a while, you will be ok. You just need to start the process of making decisions. If you're struggling with that then speak to your local citizens advice bureau - they are great at being able to give you an outside perspective and sort through all the crap to help you work out the way forward. Whatever you do - do not give the money to your husband. You can't trust he will do what he says with it and you must secure your own future as well as your daughters'. Take your share and use it to fund the next stage of your life. It will, I am sure, be much better than what has come before.

Good luck. You can do this!

PineappleWilson · 07/12/2021 13:14

If you have 2 children, depending on their age, can they share a bedroom with bunks, meaning you only need to pay for a 1-bed place?

What is your own business - online based, working from home etc. as that will impact on whether you can up sticks and move your business somewhere more affordable.

RobertsRadio · 07/12/2021 13:15

Concentrate on getting a job and look at moving away from the southeast. As you say you have no family local to you then you can look at cheaper areas where your money will go a lot further. I would decide on area first, rent in that area and look for a job asap, then look into a mortgage once you qualify.

SoftSheen · 07/12/2021 13:15

No one should actively choose to be on benefits, which are paid for by the taxes of hard-working people. Benefits are for those who genuinely can't work (on a temporary or permanent basis) and have no other funds. You should keep the £85k and look for a job.

backtoschool1234 · 07/12/2021 13:15

You don't need to give your money to your ex. Get a private rent and find a job. Whilst you have the cash you won't be eligible for universal credit but when it runs out you would get help with the rent and childcare (you can actually earn quite a lot as a single renter with dependents).

Unless he is going for 50/50 custody he will also have to pay maintenance from the start.

Start looking into rental prices, shared ownership properties, jobs available and benefit entitlements and I'm certain there is a better plan.

Original poster
NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 13:15

Ok, seems it best to keep it. I’m not thinking clearly. I will get legal advice.

In the meantime. If I did move far up north, would that be ok? Would I be allowed to “take” the kids that far away from where he would live? How would custody work? Is it the case that it just does?

Also, I’m the main carer as I work from home, and even if I didn’t, there isn’t a chance in hell I would leave my children with anyone.

OP posts:
dcadmam · 07/12/2021 13:16

Why are you assuming the split us 50:50. As non working mother of 2 kids you are entitled to more and maybe even to stay in marital home until kids are 18. And you are entitled to share of his pension
Do not agree to anything without legal advice

BigYellowHat · 07/12/2021 13:17

There are loads of places in the country you can buy somewhere outright for £85k. Can you do that and then let it out for income which you then use to pay your rent? Then you’ve still got your asset which is growing in value. Or just move somewhere cheaper and live there.

CSJobseeker · 07/12/2021 13:18

Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

No no no no no no no no! His death is a LONG way in the future and anything could happen between now and then. Keep the money and use it to benefit your kids.

If you have a business and pay tax, surely that means you have an income? Surely you can either get a mortgage on a tiny place, or otherwise invest the money?

MLMshouldbeillegal · 07/12/2021 13:18

Also, I’m the main carer as I work from home, and even if I didn’t, there isn’t a chance in hell I would leave my children with anyone.

You're really not doing yourself ANY favours with ridiculous statements like that OP.

HalfWomanHalfMincePie · 07/12/2021 13:18

So no chance of getting a mortgage and would have to wait 2 years, but by then the deposit would be gone on renting.

No it wouldn't. Even if rent was £2k a month without any help at all from your income, you'd have spent 48k of it renting and have £37k left.

You would be mad to give away £85k to your ex husband.

Embracelife · 07/12/2021 13:18

@NoNameHere12

Ok, seems it best to keep it. I’m not thinking clearly. I will get legal advice.

In the meantime. If I did move far up north, would that be ok? Would I be allowed to “take” the kids that far away from where he would live? How would custody work? Is it the case that it just does?

Also, I’m the main carer as I work from home, and even if I didn’t, there isn’t a chance in hell I would leave my children with anyone.

What do you mean? You wont leave them with their father? You don't send them to school?

*We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 childre*

Is he buying you out the house and keeping the house?
Will dc live with him 50 per cent of the time ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread