Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up house to get a house for my kids

351 replies

NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:08

Hi,

Me and DH have just split after 16 years. We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 children. I won’t be eligible to buy somehwere for the 3 of us with that deposit as I don’t have an income, and I’m in the south east, so wouldn’t even get me a studio flat.

As I’d have 85k I wouldn’t get help with being housed. It’s not enough to buy somehwere, but too much to be entitled to help.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

OP posts:
MdNdD · 08/12/2021 21:56

Separated and divorced recently. Long drawn out process where now ex husband took control of all assets and i was so scared about how I would house the children. I was panicking. I understand you are scared and without wanting to sound condescending, you are probably also panicking. At one point I thought about leaving the family home and going into a council house to stop the control and emotional and financial abuse. I didn’t, I stayed and I fought.
I suggest you speak to a solicitor first and find out what your options are. Does the family court also deal with unmarried couple breakdowns? If so, they will look at the big picture and their first priority is the children, so if your ex ‘doesn’t need the money’ that means he has assets that the court would take into account and you may get to keep the house.

You could also use mediators to come up with an agreement that allows you to stay in the family home until the kids have left education and then the house is split. Solicitors can also help with this.
I have a friend whose mother died, her second husband the children’s step father, who contributed nothing financially to the house took all the money and the kids got nothing at all.
Seriously, speak to a solicitor, get advise, you may be surprised.

Don’t give him the money. You could really regret that.

Cocomarine · 08/12/2021 22:09

Yeah, I think she would be surprised.
What is it with all the married / divorced people on here suggesting OP has legal recourse that she doesn’t?

Cocomarine · 08/12/2021 22:16

Just to add, if o sound like an arsehole labouring this point about legal protection from marriage…

The more I see people posting that there are or may be basically equivalent legal protection for unmarried parents, the more I think that other readers will walk away with some vague impression that “marriage is just a piece of paper” and either (a) not bother or (b) not insist on it before ha Int children, or walk away.

Of course you don’t have to marry. If you’re the stronger financial party, I’d say don’t.

But thread after thread after thread on MN, in 2021, women think that they “can fight” or “the court will give them” something to which they have no legal entitlement. Something they would have had if they had married.

stalkersaga · 08/12/2021 22:30

Does the family court also deal with unmarried couple breakdowns? If so, they will look at the big picture and their first priority is the children, so if your ex ‘doesn’t need the money’ that means he has assets that the court would take into account and you may get to keep the house.

No. They don't. You don't get a financial settlement that goes with the dissolution of a marriage if you don't get married.

OP and her ex are two completely separate individuals legally who each own 50% of a property. That is it. One of them can buy the other out or force a sale and they get that half of the equity. It is a business contract.

If you want to be treated like a married couple who have pooled assets and roles, you have to get married.

AnotherEmma · 08/12/2021 22:30

@Cocomarine

Yeah, I think she would be surprised. What is it with all the married / divorced people on here suggesting OP has legal recourse that she doesn’t?
It's probably because OP refers to him as DH in her opening post. It's caused a huge amount of confusion.
PrincessNutella · 08/12/2021 22:41

Cocomarine--You are absolutely right. Marriage may be "just a piece of paper." But oh, what a piece of paper. It is a piece of paper that guarantees many legal rights in a relationship, especially for women who have children with a man. Most women are foolish to have children with a man without the protection of marriage, and they are disadvantaging their children as well.

Second, yes, I was referring to the housing stock in the whole country. I also think that some other posters have made some excellent points.

  1. Get the best legal advice possible and fight for as much money as possible. That will benefit your children. Don't fuck around.
  2. Invest your money in a reasonably priced flat or home--which definitely seems doable, especially if you get a job. You should be getting a job with a pension in any case. You need to be investing in your future at this point in your life.
  3. If you need to move, physically or psychologically, this is the time to do it. If you need help doing it, this is the time for therapy. You've been through a big change. Therapy can make it a good change.
Embracelife · 08/12/2021 22:42

There is some possible legal action under schedule 1 of children's zct
For the children to get assets
Fir example www.birketts.co.uk/insights/legal-updates/relationship-breakdown-children

www.familylore.co.uk/2020/06/v-and-w-deferring-sale-under-tolata.html?m=1

You need lawywr familiarxwith tolata and schedule 1

But if dc staying 50 per cent with dad
Why not dad keep the family home
And buy out the other parent?

sjpkgp1 · 08/12/2021 22:43

@canary1

Deprivation of assets
Absolutely this. Whereas I can see why you might not want to rent for all of the reasons, but if you had £85k and gave it away (and that is what this would be seen as) it would be classed by the benefit system as deprivation of assets, and you could end up having benefits queried or stopped. Yes, eventually, they might have to sort out some housing, but as others have said, it could be anywhere, anytime, and at their choice. As others have said, maybe take some independent advice (and CAB might help here if you can't afford legal). It's a really difficult position to be in, and I hope you manage to sort things out. x
Embracelife · 08/12/2021 22:44

For the children needs to be taken into account that should say
In both those cases
House was ordered to be sold

Derbee · 08/12/2021 22:59

Don’t sell until you’re in a better position to get a new mortgage. If he’s well off, he can wait for the equity

B2TN · 08/12/2021 23:07

Pretty sure whether you are married or not if you go to a solicitor and it went to court you would be permitted to stay in the house until your youngest child is 18. They can not be deemed to be making a child/ren homeless

me109f · 08/12/2021 23:10

First of all go and see a solicitor who will explain your position.
Get a job, then sell the house and get your grubstake. With kids you are entitled to maintenance from your Ex who I assume is the DCs dad so you won't be without an income and will also get child allowance.
You need to become independant and move on. However, every situation is different, and you need to weigh up your feelings and particular circumstances.

PlasticFreeIn2022 · 08/12/2021 23:10

@Pippa12

I’m probably going to sound harsh but honestly give it away so the benefits system can fund your housing. Surely we should be safeguarding that for those who have found themselves in unfortunate circumstances, not those with 85k in the bloody bank.

I honestly hope to god there is a clause in the benefits conditions which prevents this foul play!

Get a job. Pay your way.

Exactly this!
lisaandalan · 08/12/2021 23:14

I would not sign it over to him I'd put the money in an account or trust in your children's names it will also get interest then too. X

RavingAnnie · 09/12/2021 01:19

Stop panicking and get some legal advice.

If you do leave the house (I would resist this if you will be the main carer if the children), then the value of the house can be disregarded by UC if:

  • your partner is still living in it and he is a lone (main) parent; or,
  • for six months following a relationship breakdown
  • for six months (longer if reasonable) while it is being sold
  • the cash following a sale can also be disregarded for six months (longer if reasonable) if you intend to use it to purchase a new property.

You can also claim UC as a single person if you need to if you have genuinely split up but are still living under the same roof.

Anyway get some proper advice before you go anything. Legal and benefits.

Hont1986 · 09/12/2021 01:20

All the posts about how OP can buy a tiny terraced house in North Wales with her £85k are spectacularly unhelpful.

steff13 · 09/12/2021 03:58

@B2TN

Pretty sure whether you are married or not if you go to a solicitor and it went to court you would be permitted to stay in the house until your youngest child is 18. They can not be deemed to be making a child/ren homeless
How could a court order her to be able to stay in a house that doesn't belong to her? The children wouldn't be homeless; it's their father's house, he could stay there with them.
BanginChoons · 09/12/2021 07:26

Ok. This is what I propose you do. Firstly, you get over this damn quickly, you are no longer in this position of privilege. Your children need you to provide for them more than they need to be with you all the time.

Also, I’m the main carer as I work from home, and even if I didn’t, there isn’t a chance in hell I would leave my children with anyone

Start applying for jobs. North would be better, housing is much cheaper. Then, take your 85k and use £10k to rent a house/flat for a year (probably won't cost as much as this, in the Midlands for example). You may need to factor in another £10k for childcare. With a years salary you will be able to apply for a mortgage, providing you are in a secure role (NHS? Admin and care assistant roles don't always need prior experience, training is provided). You can get a 2 bed in many places for around £130k.
It is doable. Others have done it. Good luck!

Cocomarine · 09/12/2021 08:17

@B2TN

Pretty sure whether you are married or not if you go to a solicitor and it went to court you would be permitted to stay in the house until your youngest child is 18. They can not be deemed to be making a child/ren homeless
@B2TN why are you “pretty sure” about this? Because you think it’s a nice idea without even thinking it through?

That’s not even a legal right (only an option, via a Mesher Order or other option) if you are married.

Why have you posted something as almost fact, when you don’t know anything about it?

Cocomarine · 09/12/2021 08:27

@Embracelife

For the children needs to be taken into account that should say In both those cases House was ordered to be sold
@Embracelife what are you talking about “both those cases”? You do realise that you just posted two links to the same case ?

That particular case only establishes that children’s needs will be considered, but are not paramount. And in that one case, it was decided that both parties were able to rent.

I referred the OP to 15.1 of the Children Act 1989 myself, in an earlier post. She certainly should understand all her options. But that case tells her what many posters are - sell up, take your equity, rent, get on with your life.

Unicornspirit · 09/12/2021 08:36

Could you buy a share in shared ownership house?

Shanda5 · 09/12/2021 12:25

Please don't do that.

It will be seen as deprivation of capital and affect any benefit claim.

Have you looked into shared ownership? You can buy a percentage with your equity and pay rent on the rest (with the help of benefits if needed).

Alternatively, you say your husband is wealthy. Would it not make more sense for him to move out and continue paying the mortgage?

Ddot · 12/12/2021 17:20

Move to different area and buy something. if you gave away the money that would be classed as missapropiating funds so you wouldnt get help

Ddot · 12/12/2021 17:24

You could buy a house for that in NE then get a job only thing is the council tax here is expensive

ThinWomansBrain · 12/12/2021 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Swipe left for the next trending thread