To give up house to get a house for my kids

[NoNameHere12]

Hi,

Me and DH have just split after 16 years. We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 children. I won’t be eligible to buy somehwere for the 3 of us with that deposit as I don’t have an income, and I’m in the south east, so wouldn’t even get me a studio flat.

As I’d have 85k I wouldn’t get help with being housed. It’s not enough to buy somehwere, but too much to be entitled to help.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

Take the 85k and use it to help you retrain to get a good enough job and as a buffer for a few years. Keep some in savings for a rainy day too!

If he is well off why can't he let you keep the house until the kids are 18? can you afford the mortgage by yourself? do you have a job? how old are the kids?

@NoNameHere12

Yes well that’s the problem, he won’t leave so I have too. I can’t live like this. I just don’t know what to do!!

He is willing to make your life difficult and yet you think he can be trusted with £85k?

If you give the 85k to your ex universal credit will see this as deprivation of wealth and you will not be entitled to benefits.

Once the 85k reduces to below 6k you will be entitled to benefits but will need to probably provide proof of where the funds have been spent. If it is just going on living costs just keep a record to avoid conflict in future.

Personally I would push for my ex to move out of the property and expect him to still support his children.
I would get a job to pay my half of the mortgage still and take on responsibility of the council tax and other bills.

But if that wasn’t an option then I would take the 85k and put as much as I could into the children’s ISA’s since it is for their future.
I would then find a job and try to rent- you could look to see if there is any subsidised housing associations in your area.
I rent through an housing association but I’m not a social housing tenant as I rent under their affordable rent scheme. (80% of open market)
You could also if you don’t have many ties to the south east move to a cheaper rental area

I do actually work and pay tax, I have my own business. It’s not doing very well at all because of covid and I have a drop of 80% revenue through the last two years.
As it’s so low (my profit) I can’t use those to get a mortgage as you need 18-24 months of income to show, and recently they are shockingly low and wouldn’t help me get a mortgage at all.

For reference I was warning about 30k before covid. 2020 I earned 14k, this year 2021 it’s going to be around 8k come April.
So no chance of getting a mortgage and would have to wait 2 years, but by then the deposit would be gone on renting.
I need to get a job as you only need 3 months pay slips.

Have you had legal advice?

Don't make any decisions based on emotion - get advice and make a sensible plan.

Do not assume your ex will protect the financial interests of your children.

Your life is in turmoil and it sounds awful for you but things will come clear once you've processed everything and had some good advice.

Buy the smallest flat you can in the cheapest area you can. Get a job, pay the mortgage (small one).

@NoNameHere12

Yes, renting, so it would be better to sign it over to him wouldn’t it, rather than just give it to a landlord instead of the girls.

He won’t waste it or spend it, it will be for the kids as he is well off and doesn’t need it.

If he is well off and doesn't;t need it, why won't he let you and your DDs stay in it until they are 18?

You have no guarantee muir girls will get your share of the house - he may re-marry, have other children, or just not make another will, in which case everything will go to his then widow when he dies.

Hang onto your share like grim death!

Move to a more affordable area, that's what most do.

Information quells panic. Or at least corrals it: you need to get on Rightmove and see what rent actually is where you are. And then where it’s cheaper, and then where the jobs are. And look at commuting costs, and what jobs you’re qualified for, and wraparound care, etc.

Basically: do your sums. Approach it from the POV that you’ve got £85k and that’s loads more than most people. The real sticking point is the lack of income, but presumably you’ve worked before?

That is a ridiculous idea. There are barely any council houses in the SE and the list is very long, so you'd be trying to rent in the private sector and pay the rent on benefits, which is going to be far from easy.

Use the money to pay the rent and get yourself established in a good career. It could pay for training and childcare whilst you get work experience.

While his name is on the house I would be expecting him to be paying half mortgage- as he will still have half the equity even if he stops paying in now.

First thing to do is find a job.

Wrap around care costs should be split between you and their father and won’t last forever anyway, presumably the DC are nearing or at secondary?

With income, any payment for the DC agreed with your ex + house fund I would aim to get a mortgage and a new home asap. Your ex may help you do this?

I’d use as little of the equity as possible to rent for as short a time as possible until I could buy again. You might also be entitled to some top up benefits if your income is low.

You can do this!

Get
Legal
Advice.

Qualified. Not armchair experts from Mumsnet.

Can you use the £85k towards a shared ownership deposit, get a job and claim Universal credit to help towards childcare? That would give you the most security and stable base for the kids and you. You should also get CM from your ex.

I'd work out exactly what you need to do and timescales - you can find most info out online via turn2us and other organisations. I believe you can claim UC even if living together if separated so you could start the ball rolling with job, childcare, UC claim. Just take it one step at a time.

Leave the kids with him and get a full time job and rent a one bed flat?
Alternatively, move to a cheaper place in the UK. I can't understand how he is so well off that he will see his children become homeless and you trust him with the equity.

@NoNameHere12

I’m in the south east, I haven’t looked on rightmove as I’m too scared, but I imagine rent for a 2 bedroom flat (I will sleep in the front room) is very expensive, I can’t see a standard job being enough to pay rent, so once the 85k runs out, we will be homeless. Getting two jobs is not a problem, I’m not work shy, but I have no family so how would it cover rent in south east and wraparound childcare?

If you have no family, move further north. 85 grand would buy you a property in a lot of areas.

Arm yourself with information OP.

Rents, locally and as far north as you’d move. Get job hunting ASAP.

What are your ex and your plans for his contact with the children. Would that help the wraparound bill? Look at childminders too. Child benefit? Maintainence? Then use first payslips to get a mortgage on a small house. Both girls can share a room, give them the bigger one if you want. Then look into universal credits to help with childcare costs.

Please don't be so naive or value yourself so low.

I absolutely would not give him your share of equity. You say he is wealthy and can be relied on not to withold it, but if that were the case he would step aside and leave you and the DC in the house.

So many of us have personal experience of exes who remarry and leave their money to new wife/new DC. It's just not worth the risk.

I would get legal advice. He doesn't just get to tell you he is staying in the house like that.

Who is the primary carer OP? If the girls were going to be living with you would he agree to move out and continue paying the mortgage in exchange for you taking less equity out when it comes time to sell further down the line? If house prices continue to rise he wouldn’t really be losing out. Even if you could sort something like this out as an interim transition for a few years, wouldn’t it be a bit easier for the kids and give you time to sort yourself out with an income?

If that’s not a possibility then you should use the 85k to rent short term whilst you sort yourself out with either training for a job you want, or setting up your own business or form of income. You have the rest of your life to live and kids to support here and now so the money is needed here and now, not as some sort of inheritance that your girls may never need. It would be insane to hand it over to your ex and hope for the best leaving yourself at the mercy of the council and benefits system.

Don't give him your half.

Remain in the house while you find a job, once in a position to get a mortgage you can sell him your half or both sell the house. It's obviously unpleasant living with him but if you take your time to calmly plan everything out you could walk away with a new home for yourself and children.

You need to seriously take a look at the deprivation of capital rules. You are not going to get any help with paying rent for yourself or claiming any kind of benefits ( unless they are non means tested) when you have given away 85k.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

No guarantee that will happen. He could make a will stating other wishes, or marry someone else.

You are panicking and upset. Get s big piece of paper and write down all the options you can think of, the likelihood of each and the pros and cons of each. Don't forget to facto in child maintenance income and/or childcare provided by ex. Or an option to use the money to invest in yourself: business, retraining etc. Creating a long term happy sustainable life for yourself is the best way to support your kids.