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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was called rude this morning - AIBU?

409 replies

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 07/12/2021 09:24

Hi everyone,

I had a call on the way to work from a random number - I picked up and it was someone asking if I was XX. I was tired and had a headache and said, "why are you calling so early?" (It was 7:20am). He replied;"I am a recruiter for supply teaching." I replied: "I have a permanent job, please take me off your books." Him: "Honestly. you don't have to be so rude." Me: "I'm tired and you know nothing about my life. Goodbye."

I then thought about the encounter all the way to work (another 30 minutes). Was I horrible? Am I someone who makes society worse with their behaviour? I have always been someone who smiles and is "nice" but sometimes it doesn't get me too far - particularly with men. Men still expect me to move out of the way, be a certain type of kind etc. and I sometimes have had enough. I do think I am angry and exhausted and my attempts to assert myself might come across as rude.

While I write this, I can't help thinking - would I even be questioning any of my behaviour if I was a man? Or even just a different woman?

Anyway - sorry for the thought ramble. I feel bad and then feel bad for feeling bad!

Thank you for your time XX

OP posts:
araiwa · 07/12/2021 09:27

I presume he was from an agency you signed up to for supply teacher work who you didn't inform that you've found a full-time position?

It's pretty usual to get calls early morning if you've signed up to a temp agency

Outlyingtrout · 07/12/2021 09:31

It all depends whether or not you are signed up to the agency he works for. If you are then yes, you were a bit of an arse and he didn't deserve to be spoken to like that when he was just doing his job. If you're not signed up then I can understand the frustration but I wouldn't have taken it out on the (probably badly paid) office worker who again was just doing their job and presumably isn't responsible for the error.

Hwory · 07/12/2021 09:32

You were rude. You don't have to rudely 'assert' yourself to someone you've given your number to. Especially someone just trying to do their job.

And of course a temp agency would call early they would need you to get to the school??

authenticforgery · 07/12/2021 09:34

You were rude and I think your being a woman is irrelevant.

incornerreading · 07/12/2021 09:34

I guess he has to phone early if he’s trying to fill a position for that day. It could be that he is a bit sensitive or it could be your tone of voice sounded pissed off and he wondered why you were taking it out on him.
I get feeling angry and wanting to be assertive, I’ve gone through this process of previously being too soft and then going too far in the other direction of coming across as too aggressive when I’m trying to be assertive. I have found that the most truly in control and assertive people are calm and polite even when something annoys them. As soon as you lose it, you’re not really being assertive, you’re being out of control. It’s hard though when things get too busy and stressful and that can lead to anger. The problem with anger is that it spills out and affects people who don’t deserve it - that guy this morning was just trying to do his job. I don’t think it’s a woman thing, I think it’s people getting fed up beating the brunt of other people’s anger. I think it’s about recognising that anger can easily lead to making bad choices and looking at where that anger is coming from and how to address it.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 07/12/2021 09:34

I think both things can be true.

Is it a good thing to be more boundaried and less amenable with 'men' in general? Almost certainly, yes.

Were you rude to that man in particular? Yes, it sounds like it, especially the 'you know nothing about my life' remark.

Lushplease · 07/12/2021 09:34

He was doing his job and you had signed up for it.
Not his fault you're on the books.
Likely thought you'd have been pleased he'd called.

Fatgalslim · 07/12/2021 09:35

Yep, agree with a PP, they'd have to call early and yes you were rude

Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 09:35

Yes, you were rude. You're on his list because you signed up to it and haven't told them you're no longer interested. So you weren't just rude you wasted his time too. If anyone had the "right" to be rude it was him.

incornerreading · 07/12/2021 09:35

*bearing not beating

Seeline · 07/12/2021 09:36

Agree, were you XX? And had you at some time required the services of the recruiter, and not informed them that you no longer required their services?

If yes, then you were very rude. IF this was a one off, then put it down to being tired with a headache. If you are like it to everyone, then yes you could be 'someone who makes society worse with their behaviour'.

Men have a lot to answer for, but I don't think you can blame your crap behaviour on them all the time Hmm

Saoirsesersha · 07/12/2021 09:38

You’re overthinking the whole assertiveness thing, the world isn’t out to get you. He was just doing his job. Yes it was early to call but as a one-off, just forget about it

namechangetheworld · 07/12/2021 09:39

You weren't "asserting yourself", you were rude. He was doing his job.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 07/12/2021 09:39

Rude and abrupt, and being a woman is neither here nor there in this case. He's just doing his job, he'd need to call early to fill the position for the day, and it's not his fault you didn't bother taking your name of their books.

Just10moreminutesplease · 07/12/2021 09:41

I think you were rude, yes. Supply agencies have to ring early. I don’t think this has anything to do with men expecting women to accommodate them. It could just as easily been another woman who called you.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 07/12/2021 09:41

Do you really think the recruiter wants to be online by 7am calling everyone on their books to get cover? I've done this job and it's a horrible thankless task - candidates agreeing to work and then going AWOL, pulling a final candidate out of your magic hat and the client still being unhappy because their travel time makes them late.

If you don't want to take calls at 7.20am, don't answer the phone.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/12/2021 09:42

Yes You were rude, if You were tired had a headache and didn't want to speak to anyone at 7.20am You shouldn't have answered.

This has nothing to do with being a woman.

AngelonTopoftheTree · 07/12/2021 09:42

I don't think you were rude at all, you said I have a permanent job, please take me off your list - what's rude about that?

FatCatThinCat · 07/12/2021 09:43

Being assertive means getting your point across/holding your boundary without being rude. You weren't being assertive, you were just rude.

Hiyawotcha · 07/12/2021 09:43

You were up and on your way to work. It’s not like they woke you - so yes I would say that you were rude.

myBumJuiceSmellsLikeRoses · 07/12/2021 09:44

It sounds to me like you got out the wrong side of bed this morning and have a grump on! No other analysis needed.

LolaLouLou · 07/12/2021 09:45

I don't think you were being rude, you were being factual. I think he was being rude for asking why you were being rude.

I can bet your bottom dollar that he wouldn't have made the same comment to a man.

I hope your headache gets better and your day improves.

SomethingBeginningWithX · 07/12/2021 09:45

Yes you snapped at him, he was trying to do his job. You were rude.

Him being a man is nothing to do with this!

Changechangychange · 07/12/2021 09:45

Depends on whether you signed up with them or not. If you did, then yep that was a bit rude - how are they supposed to know you don’t want work.

But equally medical recruiters pull all kinds of shady shit to try to get random doctors to sign up for shifts - I’ve had randoms cold cal me in the middle of a cardiac arrest, pretend to be “from IT and urgently need my email address”, having told switchboard they were a GP in order to get put through to my mobile. If it was something like that, you were very restrained. I usually shout at them.

ViaRia · 07/12/2021 09:49

It does sound like you were rude to him. But don’t dwell on it - consider it a misunderstanding and remember next time not to make assumptions. There are quite a few legitimate reasons for such an early call but it seems that he was a time waster.

I think your point about trying to assert yourself but coming out as rude could be very true. I think I’ve been that way in the past. It doesn’t always pay off well! I guess assertiveness is a skill like any other and needs practice. The fact that you have the self awareness to think about all this is good, as is your desire to do better next time.

Enjoy the rest of your day