Friend keeps asking me to have her kids

[Kelwar]

I have two children, one is a teen with additional needs who is going through a difficult time.. my other is in primary school. I’ve a friend in my youngest child’s class who has 3 kids.. her child in my little ones class isn’t close friends with my child but they get on ok.
Anyway, my friend keeps asking me to look after her kids. I know she doesn’t have an abundance of help around her although she does have a husband who mostly works from home, a brother and best friend up the road.
I’ve had her middle child for the day so she could go somewhere.. her son over at mine twice after school, and now she keeps asking me to pick him up and take him to swimming (he has swim lessons same time as my child) that starts around 5 but says I may as well take him to mine after school too! This is becoming a regular thing, my problem is, she never has asked to have my child for a play.. or offered to help. I just don’t think it’s reasonable to keep asking someone when you aren’t ever returning the favour.
I feel it’s ruining our friendship as I am trying to put in some boundaries by mostly making excuses but she’s starting to get moody with me about it..
I’ve a voluntary job as a MH support worker and a young dog who is quite demanding and needs good walks every day..

friend doesn’t work but can’t seem to manage her three kids.. so two of her kids have clubs at the same time every week which means I am asked to do one club when hubby can’t..
she also has a baby and she was dropping massive hints about being tired and me looking after her baby while she could sleep..
I don’t have help either, I think as mums we have to try and manage.. or at least if you are asking for help, offer to help too..
WWYD?

I think that asking you to pick up her child from school and take them swimming is so rude and CF-ery, that my jaw dropped a bit when I read it.
Say no.
or start asking directly in return. So she sends a text ‘can you pick F up from school and take him swimming today’ you reply ‘of course no problem! Was meaning to ask can you start picking up DD from school and take her to yours on a Thursday? I’ll come pick her up around 6. Going to start a pottery class in town and can’t get back in time. Can you give her dinner too? So great to have some mutual support! You’re a great friend’

See how quickly she will magically be able to do the swimming lesson run after that.

" When are you going to take my kids?"
"I need to go shopping can you take my kids, get them from school and do the swim run then give them tea. "

She'll disappear like snow off a dyke.

Just no. These kinda people are always users. This is why I don’t talk to people at my kids school lol

You’re not her friend, your her unpaid minder
I completely believe that we should help each other out , especially mums. Love to see mums teaming up to keep each other sane BUT she isn’t doing this.
Any friend, no matter how much you enjoy their company, who leaves you exhausted is not a true friend.
I had to leave a good friend last year as her life was a riot ( despite , like your friend- having a support system around her) she changed nothing to facilitate her life and I eventually became her therapist.

Hours of my life spent worrying What a waste of my time.
Your time is precious, start standing your ground. You’ll find out very soon whether she rearranged her life appropriately, but I suspect she’ll find someone else

As soon as I read 'shes getting moody when I don't help her'...the red warning lights are flashing. She's not a friend if she is punishing u by going in a mood when you don't give her what she wants, when she wants it. Back right off and find other friends.

I used to end up taking and picking up my friends kid from school EVERY DAY! Then the child started coming on his bike and cycling on the pavement while myself and DS were walking. That was the final straw - it was bloody dangerous so `I stopped doing it. We have lost touch but such is life.

She's not a friend. She's just someone who thinks you'll eventually cave. She has this idea because you've done this in the past.

Just say 'No, sorry, and please stop asking. My hands are full and you need to look elsewhere for help.'

"I feel it’s ruining our friendship as I am trying to put in some boundaries by mostly making excuses but she’s starting to get moody with me about it."

And there's the surefire sign that she isn't your friend, just a user. As others have said - stop making excuses and just say 'no' to her requests. Or ask her to have your kids and watch her run! But never, ever have her kids again.

Just say no and don’t make excuses. You could have no children and live in a mansion and have no responsibilities at all. That still wouldn’t make it ok for her to see you as free childcare.

Honestly, tell her you can't/won't, and if she drops you, thank your lucky stars. She clearly is a user, and you don't need her "friendship" that desperately that you'll allow yourself to be used.

I'd rather have no friends than someone who was only interested in what I could do to make her own life easier.

Walk away from this friend. Ignore her calls, messages. You owe her nothing.

@Rainbowqueeen

I’d ask for favours in return. So next time she asks for you to take her DC on Thursday say you can do it if she can take your DC on Saturday. If she says no then say oh well another time then.

This ^

If she wants you to take her kid swimming say you will but can she do next week. At least you would be getting something out of it

She is a cf. What exactly do you get out of this friendship? If she has got 3 kids she is bound to be tired, so what? Suck it up like the rest of us who somehow manage without palming our kids onto other people. If she wants someone to mind her children then she can look into after school clubs or a childminder. You need to be firm and say no. I have 3 kids and I wouldn't want to look after anyone else's so wouldn't offer or entertain the notion. The reason being because I have my hands full and don't want to add anymore madness to rhe mix. You don't have to justify yourself to her though, just say no.

but I’m just confused that she would keep asking me and not one of her sons friends mums

Because (as others have said) those other mothers have got wise to her or said a blunt no. I think “no, that doesn’t work for me” is good. Don’t say “sorry, I can’t” because “sorry” implies you need to apologise and “I can’t” kind of implies you would if you could. Just keep repeating “no that doesn’t work for me”; you’ll lose a user, not a friend. Once you have put a stop to this you’ll probably find out from others that you’re now in quite a big club made up of the formally coerced who eventually said no to her.

Tell her friendship is a 2 way street.
I wouldn't be friends with someone like that, got enough of my own stuff to take care of without adding in a lazy friends workload.

This really made me laugh…
It’s such a great idea.. pottery here I come!! Thank you all so much for your responses..
I’m glad I’m not being a horrible friend by not wanting to help her anymore x

YANBU. This is not a friendship, this is a cf who is using you for free childcare who will not stop her cfery until you put your foot down. You honestly don't need people like this around you, she is selfish and a user. Tell her no, and stick to it.

This is so common in Primary, as soon as pick up time happened, Friend would say could you have him I have the dentist, hair appointment, etc, you feel used, but you go along because our boys were besties, then the 6 week holiday he'd show up, stay all day, it'll be lunch, snack, endless drinks. my son went 3 times maybe to his but the lad would say oh its better at yours. Took me a while to realise our friendship meant very little to her, when I said no and now she has moved on and barely smiles when we meet up. Some people use others for their own needs only. Say No and mean it op.

Why not just ask to talk to her and be honest. Tell her that:

You are very busy with your own kids
You like to take them to various activities alone to have a bit of time with them to chat in car or whatever
That you do not feel abe to look after her kids/as a set arrangement re swimming etc
You dont mind occasionally in an emergency and you like to think she would do the same for you in an emergency
You like to be friends with her but you cannot also be a babysitting support
You hope that the conversation will not mess up your friendship.

YANBU. I think I’d say something like the frequency with which you’re being asked to look after her children is starting to really impact your own plans and free time, and while you’ll always be happy to help her if she’s in real need, she does need to stop acting like the favours you’ve been doing her are a given. You’ll look after them if it suits you to do so, but you don’t want to continue with this very one-sided arrangement which only benefits her. If she’s upset by that very simple and fair assertion, you know she’s not a friend but a user.

The Daily Fail can fuck off xx

@Thwackit

The Daily Fail can fuck off xx

what does saying that achieve?

WhatTimeIsItMrGinola, it is stated in this thread by Gargellen: ‘I see the Daily Fail have picked up this thread.’ That means they will be directing traffic here. That means I want their readers to see what I think of the Daily Mail journalists trawling this forum to make news stories out of people’s problems. Is that ok with you, or do you think I should ask before swearing on here?

@Thwackit

WhatTimeIsItMrGinola, it is stated in this thread by Gargellen: ‘I see the Daily Fail have picked up this thread.’ That means they will be directing traffic here. That means I want their readers to see what I think of the Daily Mail journalists trawling this forum to make news stories out of people’s problems. Is that ok with you, or do you think I should ask before swearing on here?

I am sure their readers really care about what an anonymous poster on an internet forum thinks of their paper

Always looks so silly and infantile when people say this. But crack on if it makes you feel better