Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend keeps asking me to have her kids

212 replies

Kelwar · 07/12/2021 04:32

I have two children, one is a teen with additional needs who is going through a difficult time.. my other is in primary school. I’ve a friend in my youngest child’s class who has 3 kids.. her child in my little ones class isn’t close friends with my child but they get on ok.
Anyway, my friend keeps asking me to look after her kids. I know she doesn’t have an abundance of help around her although she does have a husband who mostly works from home, a brother and best friend up the road.
I’ve had her middle child for the day so she could go somewhere.. her son over at mine twice after school, and now she keeps asking me to pick him up and take him to swimming (he has swim lessons same time as my child) that starts around 5 but says I may as well take him to mine after school too! This is becoming a regular thing, my problem is, she never has asked to have my child for a play.. or offered to help. I just don’t think it’s reasonable to keep asking someone when you aren’t ever returning the favour.
I feel it’s ruining our friendship as I am trying to put in some boundaries by mostly making excuses but she’s starting to get moody with me about it..
I’ve a voluntary job as a MH support worker and a young dog who is quite demanding and needs good walks every day..

friend doesn’t work but can’t seem to manage her three kids.. so two of her kids have clubs at the same time every week which means I am asked to do one club when hubby can’t..
she also has a baby and she was dropping massive hints about being tired and me looking after her baby while she could sleep..
I don’t have help either, I think as mums we have to try and manage.. or at least if you are asking for help, offer to help too..
WWYD?

OP posts:
Insert1x20p · 07/12/2021 13:41

I don't do any regular favours without them being reciprocal and tbh, I actively search out reciprocal agreements as I find they make life easier for everyone. It also makes it easier to say no to CF as can just say "oh sorry- I'm already in a lift share"- i.e. no freebies here Mofo.

Dacquoise · 07/12/2021 13:43

I suspect the odd coffee and lunch is her way of maintaining the 'friendship'. She could hardly ask so much of you without doing 'friend' things with you.

One of the worst CFs I met kept me on tap for years for various favours despite doing the bare minimum with me as a friend. She also kept telling me I was 'too nice' as she thoroughly exploited me and let me down when a true friend would have stepped up. She knew what she was doing. She had me sussed, like this woman does with you.

I look back and cringe now at how many times I allowed people to wipe their feet on me because I had this idea that nice = doing for others, always thinking the best of them, wanting to help. Rarely if ever reciprocated.

Protect your self esteem by saying No. She will probably sulk, badger or kick off. See that as proof of her CFness!

dottiedodah · 07/12/2021 13:53

This seems to be quite a common thread. I have had this in the past too. I think she is less of a "friend" and more of a CF! I think just to say "No " firmly .Just tell her its not working for you .I think you have to be as blunt as they come or she will keep on .Probably exhausted her other friends by now!

TurquoiseDragon · 07/12/2021 14:00

@IncompleteSenten

I'd start saying no and watch how quickly my 'friend' disappeared after realising she couldn't get free childcare out of me any more.
This. She seems to be a user, not a real friend.
PlanktonsComputerWife · 07/12/2021 14:08

I think this is really common. Some people appraise others and think, what can I get from her? Money? Childcare? Free haircuts? And lay claim without hesitation.

Pisstakers gonna pisstake, in short.

One of my friends got conned into paying a "friend" (and her children's) expensive daily bus fare about ten times. My friend and her kids were already on the bus. When the fake friend and her brood jumped on, there would be some problem with her bank card and the friend would melodramatically yell down the bus that the kids must get off, they'd have to walk. So my friend would leap up and pay... and never get paid back.

I also take this bus and I noticed that this lady always paid with her phone no problems when my friend was not there. Funnily enough, my friend finally refused to pay, the CF remembered she could pay with her phone.

This bastard woman conned about £70 worth of fares out of my friend, who earns barely that every week as a playground attendant!

Georgeskitchen · 07/12/2021 14:54

You need to be firm and explain that you have your own issues and although you value her friendship you can't keep bailing her out. She needs to organise herself better. That's the polite version.
What I would really want to say is look after your own brats and leave me alone!!

tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2021 15:18

@PlanktonsComputerWife

I think this is really common. Some people appraise others and think, what can I get from her? Money? Childcare? Free haircuts? And lay claim without hesitation.

Pisstakers gonna pisstake, in short.

One of my friends got conned into paying a "friend" (and her children's) expensive daily bus fare about ten times. My friend and her kids were already on the bus. When the fake friend and her brood jumped on, there would be some problem with her bank card and the friend would melodramatically yell down the bus that the kids must get off, they'd have to walk. So my friend would leap up and pay... and never get paid back.

I also take this bus and I noticed that this lady always paid with her phone no problems when my friend was not there. Funnily enough, my friend finally refused to pay, the CF remembered she could pay with her phone.

This bastard woman conned about £70 worth of fares out of my friend, who earns barely that every week as a playground attendant!

Could you and friend not go around and demand the money?

I have done that with CFs.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/12/2021 15:29

it’s hard when you think you have a friendship with someone but actually you realise you don’t

You're quite right, but it's harder still if you spend years doing whatever-it-is for them and then come to the same realisation

However once you make it a clear "no" I guarantee those years will never happen; instead she'll go cold on you and move on to the next hoped-for victim

JustDanceAddict · 07/12/2021 15:32

You’ll have to say no.
I had an arrangement where I picked up a friend’s son after school once a week and took him back to their house where his older sister at sixth form would be waiting. In the end I had to stop it as I’d turn up and his sister wasn’t in and it was out of my way and the boys weren’t really friends at that point.
I do have some sympathy for working parents as I was one too (DCs are older now), but any help has to be mutual, and your friend is a SAHM.

violetbunny · 07/12/2021 16:57

The reason she's asking you is probably because she's a pisstaker and has already taken the piss from everyone else she knows who is closer. They've probably cottoned on as you have done and now just say no!

MrsPetty · 08/12/2021 17:39

I’ve had this a lot! My sister would drop her daughter over to my house to play with my two DDs for the entire day. She would go out with her DP for lunch and a walk on the beach etc. I’m a single parent. I stopped it as I felt truly mugged off. A parent from DDs school did the same. Always asking if her two children could come to ours after school. Stopped it too. The givers have to draw a line because the takers never will ….

Mumkins42 · 08/12/2021 17:43

YABU in even questioning this. She has no boundaries clearly and yours are no where to be seen. I know how horrible it is when 'friends' use passive aggressive moods and sulking like little children when we don't meet their needs. But enough is enough here. Be clear in your mind what you want what you don't want, write it down even. Then be confident, assertive in your reply going forward. ' I really don't have the capacity to help at the moment, have you tried asking xyz'. You owe no apologies, no maybes, no hesitation. She is taking the piss and you need to be stronger on this. You can still be kind. Good luck x

Mumkins42 · 08/12/2021 17:46

Just to add I speak from many years experience as a people pleaser with next to no boundaries. Years of counseling has really helped me see the light. When you start setting boundaries, even kindly, you may see that the cling ons leave your life. They aren't friends.

Yuledo · 08/12/2021 17:54

@Rainbowqueeen

I’d ask for favours in return. So next time she asks for you to take her DC on Thursday say you can do it if she can take your DC on Saturday. If she says no then say oh well another time then.
This is good.
Mirw · 08/12/2021 17:58

Her kids... Her responsibility. If she can't cope, she has to ask her DH for money to pay for help. Just say No. Or ask for £20 per hour to help out.

Ludo19 · 08/12/2021 18:00

Nope not a friend, a piss taker at best tell her NO

Highfivemum · 08/12/2021 18:04

One of the smallest words is definitely one of the hardest to say. The word NO. ... I am a mum of 6 and my DH works long hours. I have a DB who is amazing but no other help. The thing is I chose this. They are my children to look after. I am tried all the time of course but that is my choice to have 6 DC. I had a mil at sch just like ur friend. My DC do lots of diff activities and she believed that I had a duty to take her DC Too to these activities!! Don’t get me wrong I will help people out but she didn’t want that. She wanted me to do it all as it was Hard ! For her with other committments!!! I put up with it for around a month then I learnt the word NO. best word I ever learnt. She ignores me now. So it was obvious that she was using me.
Say NO. In the long run it will make ur life easier.

Gargellen · 08/12/2021 18:20

I see this has made the Daily Fail then!

ChiefStockingStuffer · 08/12/2021 18:26

'No'
'That doesn't work for me.'
'Sorry, can't help.'
'You'll have to ask your husband, brother, someone else, etc'

Stand firm. She's a CF. She's not your friend.

hotfroth · 08/12/2021 18:30

"I'm really sorry I can't do it - you'll have to ask one of your other friends".

BridStar · 08/12/2021 18:31

Say no, and stop getting taken by these lazy con merchants and their sob stories.

She can find a childminder if she's so desperate. Of course she wants care for free, but the rest of us have to pay and she's not special, just a shitter parent. If she can't afford it she can, shock horror, look after her own children like everyone else.

ElinorOliphant · 08/12/2021 18:43

I think the Poll results speak for themselves!

Good luck OP 💪🏼

StartingGrid · 08/12/2021 18:51

Just ask her directly why she has three children when she doesn't want to do anything with/for them, and watch her jaw drop!

RubyViolet · 08/12/2021 18:55

I think Covid has just provided you for a cooling off period to this situation.
Tell her you are not mixing household , unless it’s your family / support as you want to have a healthy Christmas and enjoy the holidays.

Piggyk2 · 08/12/2021 19:04

Send a txt first OP but your friend asks you again. She sounds like a user!

Just txt Hi I won't be able to watch your child at swimming as you are very busy and have a lot on with your own kids at the minute!

Swipe left for the next trending thread