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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend keeps asking me to have her kids

212 replies

Kelwar · 07/12/2021 04:32

I have two children, one is a teen with additional needs who is going through a difficult time.. my other is in primary school. I’ve a friend in my youngest child’s class who has 3 kids.. her child in my little ones class isn’t close friends with my child but they get on ok.
Anyway, my friend keeps asking me to look after her kids. I know she doesn’t have an abundance of help around her although she does have a husband who mostly works from home, a brother and best friend up the road.
I’ve had her middle child for the day so she could go somewhere.. her son over at mine twice after school, and now she keeps asking me to pick him up and take him to swimming (he has swim lessons same time as my child) that starts around 5 but says I may as well take him to mine after school too! This is becoming a regular thing, my problem is, she never has asked to have my child for a play.. or offered to help. I just don’t think it’s reasonable to keep asking someone when you aren’t ever returning the favour.
I feel it’s ruining our friendship as I am trying to put in some boundaries by mostly making excuses but she’s starting to get moody with me about it..
I’ve a voluntary job as a MH support worker and a young dog who is quite demanding and needs good walks every day..

friend doesn’t work but can’t seem to manage her three kids.. so two of her kids have clubs at the same time every week which means I am asked to do one club when hubby can’t..
she also has a baby and she was dropping massive hints about being tired and me looking after her baby while she could sleep..
I don’t have help either, I think as mums we have to try and manage.. or at least if you are asking for help, offer to help too..
WWYD?

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 07/12/2021 10:04

Sounds like she is after some free child minding!
She is using you, Cut loose.

Original poster
Kelwar · 07/12/2021 10:05

Thanks all.. you are all right.. I’ll have to just stand my ground.. it’s hard when you think you have a friendship with someone but actually you realise you don’t! still.. onwards and upwards… thanks again

OP posts:
twilightcafe · 07/12/2021 10:07

I've voted YABU.
You must learn to toughen up and say NO.
Otherwise you will be doing more and more childcare.

SockFluffInTheBath · 07/12/2021 10:09

Just say no. No excuses or reasons, just no.

SockFluffInTheBath · 07/12/2021 10:09

Good luck OP, the first no is the hardest.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 07/12/2021 10:10

Can't believe anyone's voting YABU! Just say if you think Kelwar should toughen up, but she's definitely NBU to want to back away from cf 'friend'

WellLarDeDar · 07/12/2021 10:12

YABU to keep saying yes tbh.

oakleaffy · 07/12/2021 10:12

@Kelwar

Thanks all.. you are all right.. I’ll have to just stand my ground.. it’s hard when you think you have a friendship with someone but actually you realise you don’t! still.. onwards and upwards… thanks again
Sadly some people are just ''Users''. I thought I had met a woman at school who seemed ok ,but she too was a grade 'A' user..It was a shock, but when I said ''No'', she backed right off.

She isn't a true friend to you, as a true friend reciprocates, and doesn't take advantage,

CaveMum · 07/12/2021 10:12

If she had another mum "helping" her before the baby came along I'm guessing that she (helper mum) put her foot down and started saying no so she (CF mum) moved on to her next victim - you.

She probably won't bat an eyelid when you say no, people like her have skin like a rhino, and she will just move on to another victim.

oakleaffy · 07/12/2021 10:14

@Kelwar
Your 'Friend' throwing moods is a classic 'User' technique to try and get you to comply with her wishes.
She probably uses 'Moods' to manipulate others in her life as well.

Jasmine11 · 07/12/2021 10:19

I know a couple of people like your friend who are always expecting support from others while not offering any back. I would never say this to them of course, but in both cases they managed fine with 2 children, but having a third has tipped them over the edge in terms of what they can cope with - they personally should have stuck with 2 children (3rd was planned in both families so not a surprise 3rd kid). This isn't a dig at people with more than 2 children by the way, I know plenty of families that cope just fine with 3+ children. But some people want to make their life choices other people's problem, OP you need to stand firm and if your friend gets moody with you, then so what - not your problem!

BatshitBanshee · 07/12/2021 10:25

No is a full sentence. She's a CF and she's not a friend, she's a user. Put your kids and yourself first.

WhenSepEnds · 07/12/2021 10:32

I'd say no today, that way it's coming up to Xmas holidays and you'll have a fresh start after the holidays without worrying about this carrying on

Couchbettato · 07/12/2021 10:33

Once or twice is a favour, routine expectations are taking advantage.

She's taking advantage of you.

Don't allow it.

Tigerblue · 07/12/2021 10:36

If you haven't got the courage to say anything direct or no, then I'd start asking for favours, ie can she take your DC to school one day a week, have your DC for tea so you've got extra time for xmas shopping in the afternoon, oh and babysitting on Friday night!

cstaff · 07/12/2021 10:37

You say that she had someone else who used to help her out. Do you know if that person had just had enough and left her to it because that is what I picked up from that and she has now moved on to you. She is definitely being a CF.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 07/12/2021 10:42

OP a bit of advice for you ,doesnt only apply to this particular problem but to all the other headaches that pop up in life,took me a long time to learn it but I am oldish now and really don;t give a toss about much and really don;t care who I offend these days!! Here it is...thinking about things is worse than atually doing it! There you go! Tearing yourself into peices,mulling things over,giving people and things undue headspace is robbing you of your time and contentment and happiness,Do it, tell her to sod off,get it out of the way,walk away and out it to bed,Might be temporarily uncomfortable but you can and will survive with or without her,,One shot we get at this life lovely lady just one dont spend it fretting about upsetting someone who brings no value to your own existance!!

AdmiralCain · 07/12/2021 10:48

She's got you hook line and sinker. She is a bonified CF.
Next time there's a CF thread put this in their.

TrashyPanda · 07/12/2021 10:52

She’s got tons of help!

Plus she doesn’t work.

She is just a lazy, disorganised user.

You sound so lovely, but she isn’t a friend.

TreeSmuggler · 07/12/2021 11:01

Start saying no, definitely, but it might not be the end of the friendship. In fact it's the only way to save the friendship, it can't last if you resent her.

I had a friend who was a real cf when it came to borrowing money. When I started saying no, she was shocked the first few times, after that she got the message. Now she would never ask and we are closer friends than ever. Maybe she was being a cf, maybe she really thought I didn't mind, maybe both. Could be the same for your mate too.

Original poster
Kelwar · 07/12/2021 11:03

I guess they think I shouldn’t be saying yes, there will also be some mums on here (not many) that will be the ones asking and expecting all the time

OP posts:
NotQuiteHere · 07/12/2021 11:05

Obviously, since you cannot resolve this problem with your "friend" and have to discuss all this behind her back, you are not proper friends. So do what you like.

billy1966 · 07/12/2021 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loudestcat14 · 07/12/2021 11:13

If your kids aren't even close friends and there would be no great fallout between them if you and the mum stopped talking, I really wouldn't think twice about saying no. She's using you and it sounds like she has form for it.

toolazytothinkofausername · 07/12/2021 11:15

@Kelwar

I appreciate having three children is hard work.. but that’s not really my problem.. and she’s the person who has double booked their clubs.. I don’t mean to sound judgmental, that wasn’t my intention.. but she was struggling before she had her baby, she was asking another mum to do everything for her before me and the new baby.. so… perhaps she shouldn’t have had another
You and the person she used before you need to start a support group.
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