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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend keeps asking me to have her kids

212 replies

Kelwar · 07/12/2021 04:32

I have two children, one is a teen with additional needs who is going through a difficult time.. my other is in primary school. I’ve a friend in my youngest child’s class who has 3 kids.. her child in my little ones class isn’t close friends with my child but they get on ok.
Anyway, my friend keeps asking me to look after her kids. I know she doesn’t have an abundance of help around her although she does have a husband who mostly works from home, a brother and best friend up the road.
I’ve had her middle child for the day so she could go somewhere.. her son over at mine twice after school, and now she keeps asking me to pick him up and take him to swimming (he has swim lessons same time as my child) that starts around 5 but says I may as well take him to mine after school too! This is becoming a regular thing, my problem is, she never has asked to have my child for a play.. or offered to help. I just don’t think it’s reasonable to keep asking someone when you aren’t ever returning the favour.
I feel it’s ruining our friendship as I am trying to put in some boundaries by mostly making excuses but she’s starting to get moody with me about it..
I’ve a voluntary job as a MH support worker and a young dog who is quite demanding and needs good walks every day..

friend doesn’t work but can’t seem to manage her three kids.. so two of her kids have clubs at the same time every week which means I am asked to do one club when hubby can’t..
she also has a baby and she was dropping massive hints about being tired and me looking after her baby while she could sleep..
I don’t have help either, I think as mums we have to try and manage.. or at least if you are asking for help, offer to help too..
WWYD?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2021 06:24

I'd start saying no and watch how quickly my 'friend' disappeared after realising she couldn't get free childcare out of me any more.

ChimChimeny · 07/12/2021 06:31

@Rainbowqueeen

I’d ask for favours in return. So next time she asks for you to take her DC on Thursday say you can do it if she can take your DC on Saturday. If she says no then say oh well another time then.
Just be careful that she doesn't say yes then back on at the eleventh hour. Preferably ask for your favour before hers to make sure she follows through.

Or just start saying no, it is hard but she is taking you for a mug so you need o stand up for yourself. when I had someone asking me for lifts regularly I'd see the message on my phone but not open it until it was too late & then reply saying I hadn't seen the message. She soon stopped asking

couchparsnip · 07/12/2021 06:32

No. Practice saying it and be strong. Don't give an excuse because she'll try and get round it.

My mum used to take in various kids for after school care because she couldn't say no to people. There was one family where all the 5 kids used to come and 'play' and we never went there. I hated them but mum said we had to help because they didn't have anyone else.
I'm pretty sure she only eventually said no after one of my brothers got punched.

Graciemacey · 07/12/2021 06:37

I thought from the thread title you were being asked to carry your friend’s baby! As in surrogacy. So not quite as demanding as that, but your friend is being ridiculously cheeky. It’s great to help friends out from time to time but I can’t believe she never offers you favours in return.
As others have said, she’s hardly stuck for options with her best friend and brother nearby… or have they already done what you should, and told her to organise her kids’ clubs and family life so she’s not dependent on free childcare.

ittakes2 · 07/12/2021 06:41

Is she really your friend? Would you treat her like she treats you?

malificent7 · 07/12/2021 06:43

Dump her using arse.

Restawhile · 07/12/2021 06:46

I agree with everyone who says you should say no to these cheeky requests.

To help persuade you to stop ,remember these precious years with your own family soon slip away. Cherish the time you take your children to clubs or chill at home. This time soon passes and don’t clog it up with kids your children are not even friends with doing pointless favours. Harsh but true.

Good luck.

Perrymenopausal · 07/12/2021 06:49

I had a friend like this (please to say had)

I’d get messages on the school pick up, that she was delayed and can I get her daughter, often not picking her up till gone 5. Her daughter and mine were friends but she was one of those friends that you knew she was at your house as the girls kept falling out.

After I had been doing it for months, I had a hospital appointment and asked her if she could have my DD if I was late back (appointment was about 2 pm so if I was late it wouldn’t have been by much). She said no as she was meeting a friend for coffee (another mum from school that she was often with while I had her dd).

That changed something in me and next time she asked I said no I can’t I have plans. I got a call from the school at 3.30 saying her dd had not been collected and she had put me down as a contact. Mum was not answering calls/texts. I collected her DD and ended the friendship as I knew deep down I was being used, but I had not long moved and was trying to make friends.

Beautiful3 · 07/12/2021 06:55

She isn't your friend, she's just using you. Next time she asks, I'd say," I can't, I'm too tired". Thats what I say sometimes. What can she say to that?! Nothing.

IAAP · 07/12/2021 07:00

Just say no - the next time she asks ‘that doesn’t work for me I can’t’ no apology nothing to apologise for then repeat

Actually it’s easy

Recently I had loads of help getting youngest to school whilst me and daughter had Covid - everyone got wine and gin - and a thank you and I would do the same again

gingerbiscuits · 07/12/2021 07:03

@Bogeyes

What a piss taker. She is not a true friend. She is just someone you know.
This! ⬆️ Be blunt - say no & don't give a sh!t if she gets 'moody' with you! She's not a friend, your kids aren't friends & you owe her nothing!!
Lovemusic33 · 07/12/2021 07:06

Just say “no” 🤔

Howeverdoyouneedme · 07/12/2021 07:06

She doesn’t work? She’s having a laugh.

Larryyourwaiter · 07/12/2021 07:08

It’s common. So many mothers will try this on.

I’ve always been happy for DD to have other kids around but can’t believe the number of parents who don’t reciprocate and invite other kids. This included DDs best friend.

I had a good friend where the relationship has soured. The girls were friendly but not great friends, her DD was in my house constantly. DD has been there once. Worst thing is her mum was frequently complaining to me about not being able to go away for the night because of her 2 children ‘hint hint’. Her children are both hard work so she also wants them out the house all the time, my DD is very easy going. Tough, not my problem.
I stopped having her DD round and now we aren’t really friends.

Gensola · 07/12/2021 07:10

Lol no way. Ditch her!

drpet49 · 07/12/2021 07:11

** I’d just say no and end the “friendship”.

She’s not your friend, she’s a user looking for childcare who gets moody if you say no to her.

Her kid and your kid “get along ok” but they’re not exactly friends.

I could not be arsed maintaining anything more than a smile and wave relationship in the playground, I really can’t see what you get out of it.**

^This

Mindymomo · 07/12/2021 07:13

I’m afraid you’ve just got to start saying no. I’d still take the boy swimming, but drop him back home off after. Like everyone says, she’s starting to take advantage and you have to put a stop to it.

PieMistee · 07/12/2021 07:17

A new family moved to our school with a single Mum and I helped her out with finding her feet, invited her out with my friends, got her kids into clubs etc. She aske did her son could walk with us for a week to school as she had a new job. I gladly did it, even though he was a pain in the arse and wound up my youngest. She then (by text) asked if I could keep doing it for the rest of the year. It was fucking September. I wrote a very kind no but offered another week while she found an alternative (lots of pre school stuff available). She never replied or spoke to me again! CF that she was.

ikeptgoing · 07/12/2021 07:17

@Mindymomo
The friend is hinting/asking that once a week OP picks her son up from school, keeps (and therefore feeds) him, then take him to swimming 5pm and drops him to her at home afterwards 6pm. So ..3 hours childcare a week.

That's hardly not being taken advantage of and just taking him swimming but dropping him off afterwards...

PieMistee · 07/12/2021 07:17

The moral is just say no and watch for their true colours.

grapewine · 07/12/2021 07:21

@Howeverdoyouneedme

She doesn’t work? She’s having a laugh.
This in spades! She's blatantly using you.
gamerchick · 07/12/2021 07:22

@Rainbowqueeen

I’d ask for favours in return. So next time she asks for you to take her DC on Thursday say you can do it if she can take your DC on Saturday. If she says no then say oh well another time then.
That won't work. She'll agree and then cancel at the last minute.

OP you need to be tough with her. Pisstakers just get worse.

Start saying no. Even if she does fet moody. Pull back from the friendship and be less available. If she moans about being tired, tell her you're sorry to hear that and then nothing. No solutions. If she complains she can't do the pickups. Say the same. It's not your problem.

She'll find some other mug to Palm her kids off on.

User112 · 07/12/2021 07:22

This is not friendship. She is simply using you. Say NO and offer no explanation.

Just say “sorry Hun, I can’t do it, I’m busy”

Fairylights25 · 07/12/2021 07:24

You are free childcare to her.

Nip it in the bud, if she gets moody that tells you all you need to know.
This is not a friendship op, perhaps lets go of the idea she cares about you or your kids, she doesn't, she just sees you as a convenient person to take advantage of. Distance yourself and start being assertive.
" I have a lot on my own plate at the moment xx, so I can't take on anything else, I hope you manage to organise some childcare"
On repeat every time.

If she was a real friend she would offer to help you, take the kids. I am pretty sure that will not be forthcoming, more boundaries are needed even if costs the friendship. What is the point in having a CF friend that takes advantage anyway?

toolazytothinkofausername · 07/12/2021 07:25

Tell your friend you can't babysit for the foreseeable future as you need to focus on your teen DC with additional needs.

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