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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend keeps asking me to have her kids

212 replies

Kelwar · 07/12/2021 04:32

I have two children, one is a teen with additional needs who is going through a difficult time.. my other is in primary school. I’ve a friend in my youngest child’s class who has 3 kids.. her child in my little ones class isn’t close friends with my child but they get on ok.
Anyway, my friend keeps asking me to look after her kids. I know she doesn’t have an abundance of help around her although she does have a husband who mostly works from home, a brother and best friend up the road.
I’ve had her middle child for the day so she could go somewhere.. her son over at mine twice after school, and now she keeps asking me to pick him up and take him to swimming (he has swim lessons same time as my child) that starts around 5 but says I may as well take him to mine after school too! This is becoming a regular thing, my problem is, she never has asked to have my child for a play.. or offered to help. I just don’t think it’s reasonable to keep asking someone when you aren’t ever returning the favour.
I feel it’s ruining our friendship as I am trying to put in some boundaries by mostly making excuses but she’s starting to get moody with me about it..
I’ve a voluntary job as a MH support worker and a young dog who is quite demanding and needs good walks every day..

friend doesn’t work but can’t seem to manage her three kids.. so two of her kids have clubs at the same time every week which means I am asked to do one club when hubby can’t..
she also has a baby and she was dropping massive hints about being tired and me looking after her baby while she could sleep..
I don’t have help either, I think as mums we have to try and manage.. or at least if you are asking for help, offer to help too..
WWYD?

OP posts:
SpecialchildSupermum · 07/12/2021 08:44

Been there worn the t shirt! My so called friend who used me relentlessly for so called play dates used to clean her house top to bottom then bring them round to trash mine! She’d be all upto date with washing, shopping etc and I’d be always chasing my tail while she sat there smuggly telling her kids to ask if they could sleep over at mine. The last straw was we went on holiday and we hired two caravans side by side. Her kids and husband would come over for breakfast while she had a lay in..... my caravan looked a top and hers had nothing out of place as no kids were allowed in hers! Then I was busy feeding my family and hers one evening and she’d invited more (local) friends over to my caravan as I ‘had lots of nibbles and wine’ 🤨 stacks of washing up, 8 kids in my caravan, and that was it..... I finally saw the light the next day. And simply said, “this friendship isn’t working for me right now, I haven’t got the time or energy for it - sorry”. No excuses, nothing, she’d run me dry and I wasn’t prepared to even have my holiday ruined by her selfishness! After the holiday I didn’t see her againSmile best thing ever!

greenmarlin · 07/12/2021 08:46

Just say no.

I have had a couple of these. Let it go on for too long and have now decided it's going to be a blanket no.

You have to be quite rude and blunt, and prepared to put up with a bit of guilt tripping and moodiness.

But I can assure you the feeling that you get when you have said no and there is actually not a thing the other person can do about it apart from sulk is worth it.

These people have a radar for people pleasers and will soon move on to someone else.

RocketPanda · 07/12/2021 08:48

She's not a friend. She had someone before you who ended up sick of minding her kids for free and there will be someone after you. I bet she doesn't really ask you to mind her kids, more of a 'you'll pick Johnny up on Wednesday and do the swimming and drop him back yes?!'

Blinkingbatshit · 07/12/2021 08:49

She really is just using you - there’s not really a friendship….I’m so sorry, I’ve been there a couple of times and it’s not very nice. I’m afraid you need to accept that when you say no she will cool the friendship - but that’s ok because it’s not a decent one anyway. I suggest you do respond with ‘yes, I can have your dc on tues but then shall we say you pick up and have my dc to play on thurs?’ Or ‘yes, I can take your dc swimming this week, can you take mine the following week?’ - she needs to learn to parent within her own means both practically & financially. I’m a sahm and have found myself called on more than most (‘cause I’m the one around more) and I’m always happy to help, but only those who have and will genuinely help me back when it’s required. I do now know the piss takers and, though it took me a while to find the balls, I just say no to them because I’ve learnt they will never put themselves out for me.

TheresAStarmanWaitingInTheSky · 07/12/2021 08:49

Just text and say no you are not taking them again. She is a complete chancer. Better off with her out of your life.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 07/12/2021 08:50

….I want to know what happens next…

Hellolittlestar · 07/12/2021 09:01

You have to learn to say no without making excuses.

Dietpepsiandshirley · 07/12/2021 09:07

You need to send her a message basically telling her to stop asking as it’s getting too much. Nip it in the but at the root so she doesn’t even ask anymore because it’s draining having to come up with excuses.

Just along the lines of

Dear friend
I am no longer in a position to help with any of your childcare/lift requests.it’s getting too much with my own kids/life/new dog etc please make alternative arrangements.

Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 07/12/2021 09:11

Be very clear with her. Tell her you already have your hands full and can’t help her with childcare. If it ends the friendship then it was a friendship of convenience rather than a real friendship. At least you will know.

I’ve been in your position. I had a newborn baby, 2 year old and 3 year old and a new neighbour who would keep asking if her children (aged 3 and 5) could play with my children in my garden, never offered her garden. She would practically dump her children on me whilst she ran an errand. When I put a stop to it the friendship immediately stopped.

You do also sound very judgemental ‘she can’t manage her three kids’. Three children is very different to two especially when one is a baby. She probably is exhausted and struggling.

AhNowTed · 07/12/2021 09:11

OP, if you've watched "Motherland", you've got yourself a Julia.

WhatTimeIsItMrGinola · 07/12/2021 09:13

YANBU to be annoyed!

YABU to carry on enabling her

WhatTimeIsItMrGinola · 07/12/2021 09:14

@AhNowTed

OP, if you've watched "Motherland", you've got yourself a Julia.
Don't you mean an "Amanda"? Julia ended up with ALL the kids!
zafferana · 07/12/2021 09:14

Well if she's a CF and you keep saying 'Yes' to all her requests, what do you expect OP?

Say 'No, that doesn't work for me' and repeat. She's not a friend, she's using you for free childcare.

zafferana · 07/12/2021 09:19

Three children is very different to two especially when one is a baby. She probably is exhausted and struggling.

If she can't cope then she shouldn't have bloody had three children then, should she!

Lushplease · 07/12/2021 09:25

If she asked you to have the child on Thursday after school I'd say "I've stuff to do Thursday after school BUT if you have my child on Wednesday I'll be able to get it done then so I'm free on the Thursday".
See her reaction.

CaveMum · 07/12/2021 09:27

Three children is very different to two especially when one is a baby. She probably is exhausted and struggling.

Maybe her husband could step up and actually do some parenting then!

tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2021 09:29

Yep the people to ask are the husband and brother surely.

billy1966 · 07/12/2021 09:43

Don't be so silly OP.

She's not your friend.

She's just another user who thinks you are a bit dim and she can use for childcare.

How you could describe this acquaintance as a friend is strange.

You are just someone with poor boundathat she has spotted can be used and that is EXACTLY what she is doing.

It is up to you if you wish to continue to be used as free childcare.

I would no more bring another child swimming.

It is a pain in the arse job that I was glad to be done with.

Find some self respect and stop being used as free childcare.

Flowers
Staryflight445 · 07/12/2021 09:43

Why can’t we just say no?

Be polite about it- no I can’t do that sorry it doesn’t work for me, hope you can find someone else to help you.

Staryflight445 · 07/12/2021 09:44

If she doesn’t like you for it, no big loss on your part op. At least she’ll stop asking.

Dacquoise · 07/12/2021 09:46

From the tone of your post you seem a bit 7nsure of your boundaries. You don't need to justify why you don't want to have this person's children. She has probably picked up on your tendancy to avoid confrontation by saying yes to everything and is thoroughly exploiting this. Wishing her to return the favour but not actually asking won't make this happen.

You need to clearly and firmly tell her you don't want to help her anymore and sit with the feelings of discomfort and anxiety that will arise in you. Perhaps some assertiveness training, at least read up on it. I say that as an ex people pleaser and doormat. Not one person that I have been overcompliant with has ever liked me or respected me for saying yes to. Same result as saying no to a CF like this. What have you got to lose?

thedefinitionofmadness · 07/12/2021 09:52

All her "help" WFH husband, BF and brother may be useless. But that is a red herring.

OP is too busy to take on regular care for anyone's children apart from the odd one off. So I would say to friend, upfront, I'm so sorry but I can't look after your kids at all at the moment (except swimming perhaps if that does feel entirely manageable but only if you want to offer it). I've a teen with complex needs, work commitments and the dog, I'm at my limits.

Then if she "gets moody" you know where you are with it. Excuses piss people off they can see its not true. Plainspeaking direct and outside the context of her asking.

DontBeCatty · 07/12/2021 09:59

Why do you keeps saying yes when she asks? People ask me favours a lot. I have free time and I’m good at fixing things and I have a van and I’m generally a helpful person. However if I don’t want to do something I just say no and I don’t come up with excuses. The thought of agreeing to do something that I don’t want to do would t cross my mind. I find it weird when people do that.

TBH I think people welcome my straightforwardness as it means they know that if I agree to do something I am doing wholeheartedly.

Original poster
Kelwar · 07/12/2021 10:00

I appreciate having three children is hard work.. but that’s not really my problem.. and she’s the person who has double booked their clubs.. I don’t mean to sound judgmental, that wasn’t my intention.. but she was struggling before she had her baby, she was asking another mum to do everything for her before me and the new baby.. so… perhaps she shouldn’t have had another

OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 07/12/2021 10:04

There’s no need to judge her though, just say no I can’t look after your children sorry.

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