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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend keeps asking me to have her kids

212 replies

Kelwar · 07/12/2021 04:32

I have two children, one is a teen with additional needs who is going through a difficult time.. my other is in primary school. I’ve a friend in my youngest child’s class who has 3 kids.. her child in my little ones class isn’t close friends with my child but they get on ok.
Anyway, my friend keeps asking me to look after her kids. I know she doesn’t have an abundance of help around her although she does have a husband who mostly works from home, a brother and best friend up the road.
I’ve had her middle child for the day so she could go somewhere.. her son over at mine twice after school, and now she keeps asking me to pick him up and take him to swimming (he has swim lessons same time as my child) that starts around 5 but says I may as well take him to mine after school too! This is becoming a regular thing, my problem is, she never has asked to have my child for a play.. or offered to help. I just don’t think it’s reasonable to keep asking someone when you aren’t ever returning the favour.
I feel it’s ruining our friendship as I am trying to put in some boundaries by mostly making excuses but she’s starting to get moody with me about it..
I’ve a voluntary job as a MH support worker and a young dog who is quite demanding and needs good walks every day..

friend doesn’t work but can’t seem to manage her three kids.. so two of her kids have clubs at the same time every week which means I am asked to do one club when hubby can’t..
she also has a baby and she was dropping massive hints about being tired and me looking after her baby while she could sleep..
I don’t have help either, I think as mums we have to try and manage.. or at least if you are asking for help, offer to help too..
WWYD?

OP posts:
DPotter · 07/12/2021 11:17

@billy1966

Think you may have the wrong thread

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2021 11:26

A sahm should be able to get her kids to clubs and look after them around school without help, unless she’s ill.

And she’s got her husband wfh

Plenty of help!

You just need to say no. With some people a reciprocal arrangement for the swimming would work but she’s too much of a CF for that to work.

Howshouldibehave · 07/12/2021 11:29

She’s using you and you’re letting her. Say no!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2021 11:38

Also, I don’t have any “support” locally (except a paid childminder). I work full time and am a single mum to 2 DC 13 and 7 - exh is around but is fairly useless and mainly causes drama.

I could ask friends in a pinch I guess, but I don’t like to, as I’m aware I can’t really reciprocate.

Udouhun · 07/12/2021 11:48

What a cheeky user. Tell her to go and shite.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 07/12/2021 11:57

What do you get out of the friendship, do you enjoy her company and are friends, or is it completely centred around the children?

If you don't want to do it or feel she's taking the piss then just say no. 'No sorry I can't help' if she pushes the point don't make an excuse, as difficult it will be, just say 'no, sorry it doesn't work for me'. She may ring in an emergency for clubs etc, just don't answer and don't read the texts until you're home.

I had a friend who who drop her dd off with me to take her into school. She was late more often than not, so I told her if she wasn't with me at x time I was leaving for work. There were a few occasions I left without her, she soon stopped being late

KrispyKale · 07/12/2021 12:00

Keep saying no.

Dietpepsiandshirley · 07/12/2021 12:02

@DontBeCatty

However if I don’t want to do something I just say no and I don’t come up with excuses. The thought of agreeing to do something that I don’t want to do would t cross my mind. I find it weird when people do that.

Wholeheartedly agree with this, unfortunately on mn people seem to agree with things they don’t want to do to “avoid confrontation “

Wheresthebeach · 07/12/2021 12:12

@KrispyKale

Keep saying no.
This
MsTSwift · 07/12/2021 12:14

Is this an English thing? cannot imagine the American or German women I know doing this they would just say a flat no without the handwringing!

thesugarbumfairy · 07/12/2021 12:17

YANBU. She is a CF. Be brave OP and say no. Good luck with it.

We both work and have no relatives nearby but we've managed nearly 15 years to NOT ask friends to help with childcare unless we are really really stuck. I did have a reciprocal arrangement with a friend for a few years to have her kids one morning and she had mine another morning. Note the use of 'reciprocal'. (but ignore the spelling - that may well be wrong!)

funinthesun19 · 07/12/2021 12:18

Yanbu. I get she’s probably finding things tough, but we all have our own lives to be getting on with.
My life is busy as a single mum of 4. But my children’s swimming lessons and my sleep patterns are mine to organise, not the mums at school.

Ironically, it’s the mums with just 1 or 2 children who are the ones who ask me for favours. Never the ones with 3 or 4+. It does annoy me when a mum of 1 can’t manage 1 child and asks a mum of 4 for help. You can’t even ask them to repay the favour because realistically they won’t want to look after 4 children so it ends up all being one way all the time.

Branleuse · 07/12/2021 12:22

I had a friend that always asked me to look after her kid - wasnt even an easy kid, but whenever i asked her to watch mine she was busy. I felt quite overwhelmed by it and eventually ended the arrangement. About a year or so later the kid confronted me about why i didnt like him!! God knows how she had presented it to him, but bloody hell.

Beautiful3 · 07/12/2021 12:26

I sincerely hope that you start to say no from now on. Easy excuses to use are:-
I'm too tired/busy/got too much on my plate/can't do that, sorry/have plans/can't manage with any more kids! Etc

lonelyapple · 07/12/2021 12:27

Ask her to look after your children after school a few times and then if she says no, you have a good reason to stop taking hers.

Whym · 07/12/2021 12:45

YANBU. I hate this type of thing. I’d definitely go for the ‘this doesn’t work for me….’ It’s a friend you could easily do without by what you’ve said.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/12/2021 12:47

I wouldn't ask her for any help at all. It will make it harder to say no.
I was in a very similar situation with someone on my school run route.
and it was CF 101..
At the moment you are at the thin end of the wedge and the demands will grow and grow. If you gave into one thing, then why would you refuse the next ask, you've already taken them to swimming in her mind, what reason could you have to say no this time.
This kind of person doesn't easily take no for an answer and now that they have put the work into recruiting you, you can expect a pushback when you say no. The worst that can happen is that she cuts you out and whines to people that you wouldn't help her out with continued and ever increasing free childcare ( hardly likely to gain much sympathy whining about that! )
It will be an awkward conversation, But the relief will be immense and you will have more time to spend on genuine friends. good luck

billy1966 · 07/12/2021 12:50

[quote DPotter]@billy1966

Think you may have the wrong thread[/quote]
I think I do🙄🤣👍

Original poster
Kelwar · 07/12/2021 12:53

I do like her.. it’s weird because we do have coffee together from time to time and the odd lunch… but I’m just confused that she would keep asking me and not one of her sons friends mums.. and to not ever offer to have my daughter is just annoying… my husband and I don’t have help so we decided that I would be a SAHM ans we would go without extra money.. but sadly some people see this as free childminding.. I do a cult art job to work around school hours and wouldn’t dream of asking other mums to take my children.. it’s my job to look after them and make sure I’m organised

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/12/2021 12:54

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

I wouldn't ask her for any help at all. It will make it harder to say no. I was in a very similar situation with someone on my school run route. and it was CF 101.. At the moment you are at the thin end of the wedge and the demands will grow and grow. If you gave into one thing, then why would you refuse the next ask, you've already taken them to swimming in her mind, what reason could you have to say no this time. This kind of person doesn't easily take no for an answer and now that they have put the work into recruiting you, you can expect a pushback when you say no. The worst that can happen is that she cuts you out and whines to people that you wouldn't help her out with continued and ever increasing free childcare ( hardly likely to gain much sympathy whining about that! ) It will be an awkward conversation, But the relief will be immense and you will have more time to spend on genuine friends. good luck
Absolutely this. Do not ask for favours, they will only ask for 10. You cannot win with CF's.

Saying NO, then just not replying is very effective.

Let them whine.

The last victim wisely dumped them.

Derbee · 07/12/2021 12:55

I think the biggest breakthrough in these situations, is where the person being used (you) realises that they DO NOT have a friendship, and they ARE NOT friends with the user.

Therefore by stopping, you are not ever “letting a friend down”, you are stopping being taken advantage of. There’s a massive difference.

Just say “No, I can’t. I’m busy too” Dont try and justify anything, or explain. Unless she gets very shirty, in which case you can say “you’ve been taking advantage of my good nature for too long now. I’m not having your children anymore”

CookPassBabtridge · 07/12/2021 12:59

I just don't get how people let others take advantage of themselves like this in terms of favours. I would do a one off but thats it.

billy1966 · 07/12/2021 13:00

@Kelwar

I do like her.. it’s weird because we do have coffee together from time to time and the odd lunch… but I’m just confused that she would keep asking me and not one of her sons friends mums.. and to not ever offer to have my daughter is just annoying… my husband and I don’t have help so we decided that I would be a SAHM ans we would go without extra money.. but sadly some people see this as free childminding.. I do a cult art job to work around school hours and wouldn’t dream of asking other mums to take my children.. it’s my job to look after them and make sure I’m organised
OP, She doesn't ask the other mothers because they have the measure of her and have likely said NO.

In my experience with 4 children, the CF's are know SO quickly.

Clued in people can spot them and don't get caught more than once.

They don't tolerate CF's and ruthlessly refuse to entertain them.

Then others get caught a few times, wise up and opt out of being available.

Then you have the likes of you, who has been sucked in, used repeatedly and are being made a right mug of.

Don't be THAT mug.

She is not a friend.

You are merely of use to her.

Flowers
billy1966 · 07/12/2021 13:01

@Derbee

I think the biggest breakthrough in these situations, is where the person being used (you) realises that they DO NOT have a friendship, and they ARE NOT friends with the user.

Therefore by stopping, you are not ever “letting a friend down”, you are stopping being taken advantage of. There’s a massive difference.

Just say “No, I can’t. I’m busy too” Dont try and justify anything, or explain. Unless she gets very shirty, in which case you can say “you’ve been taking advantage of my good nature for too long now. I’m not having your children anymore”

This.

Do not offer any excuse other than, I have enough going on with my own. Simple.

Mamabear12 · 07/12/2021 13:29

I would just say, no I can not take the boys to swimming because I have an appointment, it is your turn to take the boys. Going forward, we should share the task.

My friend and I do this with tennis lessons and our kids (we each have 3 kids, two of them from both sides are doing lessons together)...so we split every other week we pick up the kids and bring them back home.