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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend keeps asking me to have her kids

212 replies

Kelwar · 07/12/2021 04:32

I have two children, one is a teen with additional needs who is going through a difficult time.. my other is in primary school. I’ve a friend in my youngest child’s class who has 3 kids.. her child in my little ones class isn’t close friends with my child but they get on ok.
Anyway, my friend keeps asking me to look after her kids. I know she doesn’t have an abundance of help around her although she does have a husband who mostly works from home, a brother and best friend up the road.
I’ve had her middle child for the day so she could go somewhere.. her son over at mine twice after school, and now she keeps asking me to pick him up and take him to swimming (he has swim lessons same time as my child) that starts around 5 but says I may as well take him to mine after school too! This is becoming a regular thing, my problem is, she never has asked to have my child for a play.. or offered to help. I just don’t think it’s reasonable to keep asking someone when you aren’t ever returning the favour.
I feel it’s ruining our friendship as I am trying to put in some boundaries by mostly making excuses but she’s starting to get moody with me about it..
I’ve a voluntary job as a MH support worker and a young dog who is quite demanding and needs good walks every day..

friend doesn’t work but can’t seem to manage her three kids.. so two of her kids have clubs at the same time every week which means I am asked to do one club when hubby can’t..
she also has a baby and she was dropping massive hints about being tired and me looking after her baby while she could sleep..
I don’t have help either, I think as mums we have to try and manage.. or at least if you are asking for help, offer to help too..
WWYD?

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 07/12/2021 07:29

Can't believe she doesn't work. As a SAHM looking after her kids is the equivalent of her job.

Think how you'd feel of she had a conventional job and started trying to palm that off on you. "Kelwar can you just file those documents / teach that class /deliver that parcel" etc etc. You'd be incredulous she was asking. This is the same.

FreedomFaith · 07/12/2021 07:31

She's not your friend.

You are free childcare to her and a pushover.

Stop being a mug and tell her to fuck off.

pictish · 07/12/2021 07:31

Just do a good natured outright Phoebe.
“I’d love to help…but I don’t want to.” Laugh. Tell her you’ve got enough on your own plate to be a standby childminder. Wish her luck.

ThePoetsWife · 07/12/2021 07:33

Stop being such a doormat. She's a CF.

No is a complete sentence - no need to make excuses.

Riverlee · 07/12/2021 07:35

I imagine this situation has crept on you, you agree to help once ir twice as a favour, but now she expects it as a regular commitment.

Just say no, or throw it back at her. Ie. Regarding the swimming, if she asks, propose doing alternate weeks.

She has got help - husband, brother etc.

Her childcare arrangements are not your responsibility. No doubt she will make you feel like the bad guy for not helping out, but that’s her problem, not yours.

NoSquirrels · 07/12/2021 07:47

I am trying to put in some boundaries by mostly making excuses but she’s starting to get moody with me about it.

There’s your problem - those are excuses not boundaries. They’re temporary and might be different next time so she tries again.

Boundaries are strong and fixed.

DF, I can’t have your DC over after school and do the swim run, it’s really inconvenient with all my other commitments. If you’ve got a clash with clubs you need to sort out the schedule with your DH. I can’t take on any more at the moment so I’m no good for favours, I’m afraid.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 07/12/2021 07:56

This is not a friendship

It’s a user, who is using you

Happened to me. The whole “it makes sense” argument is only true if you both take turns having each others kids

You are being a doormat (been there myself, the “friendship” faded very quickly when I was no longer useful)

WimpoleHat · 07/12/2021 07:57

It’s nice to have friends who will help in an emergency. But that’s the key - it’s reciprocal and it’s not a run of the mill thing. An emergency is needing to take a child to hospital; having kids booked into clubs at the same time is poor organisation. Say no. And no again. She won’t be your friend any more, but don’t be confused into thinking she really was to start with….

MLMshouldbeillegal · 07/12/2021 07:57

friend doesn’t work but can’t seem to manage her three kids.. so two of her kids have clubs at the same time every week

What sort of idiot books two children to be in two places at the same time?

Friends don't treat each other like this though. Time to take a step back and start saying no.

AhNowTed · 07/12/2021 07:58

I wouldn't be hand wringing over this one.

She's not even grateful.

She just expects now.

No reciprocation.

Classic using CF, she saw you coming.

TokyoTen · 07/12/2021 07:58

She isn't your friend, you are her unpaid help. Be blunt, say no.

diddl · 07/12/2021 07:59

I wouldn't try to get her to reciprocate-she'd be doing that already if she wanted to!

Tell her no & watch her disappear-as if by magic!

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 07/12/2021 08:01

I can never understand how people can be so cheeky! I feel bad if I ask someone to have my kids ( which isn't often ) at all and it's only usually when I'm desperate ( appointment etc! )

tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2021 08:08

I also wouldn’t be asking her for favours in return, it will just drag things out.

Just say no, you’re too busy.

Camembear · 07/12/2021 08:09

It’s ok to say no. Personally I wouldn’t write much if sending a text because texts always get misconstrued. I’d just say “I can’t sorry” or something.

She will just have to be moody but hopefully she’ll get over it and you can still be friends

Anjo2011 · 07/12/2021 08:10

Just say it’s not working for you and that she will have to make other arrangements. Some people will take advantage given half a chance. You will feel much better once you’ve said something. Do it today.

HollowTalk · 07/12/2021 08:12

I am another one who thinks she's a user not a friend. If you stop doing her favours you won't see her again.

AliceA2021 · 07/12/2021 08:24

She isn't your friend. As others have said she is using you for her own ends. She could get her husband to help out, or her brother or other friend but she doesn't because she knows you are a soft touch and struggle to say no.

Start saying no. It doesn't work for me. Distance yourself from her. If she is grumpy with you so what, you don't need people like this to spoil your life.

SarahBennettAdvice1978 · 07/12/2021 08:27

The police need to be called.

thisplaceisweird · 07/12/2021 08:29

She doesn't work and you do. What a CF!

Nc123 · 07/12/2021 08:31

Don’t make excuses, just tell her no. She’s treating you like staff!

She has more help than I do! And she chose to schedule these clubs. It’s not up to you to help her make them. Be busy the next few times after school that your D.C. has swimming lessons so that you can’t pick up her child and take them to swimming too. Tell her your job is getting very busy and definitely don’t agree to look after the baby. If she drops hints suggest helpful alternatives like DH taking some time off, or her brother or best friend helping out. You are not her maid.

hivemindneeded · 07/12/2021 08:37

People like this aren't friends. They are users. Say no and they drift away as though you never existed.

KerryWeaver · 07/12/2021 08:38

I would be very upfront with her.

State what you said in the OP but in very direct language. Be as blunt as possible.

Comingup · 07/12/2021 08:41

There should be warnings about these CF when you get pregnant! Sorry to say there are so many of them and they don't care who does the work with their kids as long as they don't. She isn't your friend as PPs have said. I fell for this, had her child, gave her lifts etc because she was soooooo busy working ( so was I and had more kids than her). Then her daughter let slip mum was actually at a running club. Day after I said no to one of her requests, she sailed straight past me and my kids in her car while we walked In pouring rain. Get rid , don't give it a thought.

Suzanne999 · 07/12/2021 08:41

Sounds like she’s only your friend for the free childcare.
I agree with the stock phrases and stick to them. Saw this happen to a friend years ago—- another mum always enrolled her kid in the same clubs as friend’s kid —- then asked her to pick her child up, deliver him home, etc… as she had 3 children and the times were difficult/ clashed. After my friend eventually said no the friendship ended.